"! Creative commons licensed, 1990-2007, by Adam Rifkin Ink.  All lefts reserved.  No fair taking this line out, as I know many leeches, er, lawyers.  See: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/",
"! By the way, some of these are disgusting, so read at your own risk.",
"! Send offerings, additions, and changes to ifindkarma .at. gmail .dot. com...",
"#include <SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h>",
"$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt?",
"$${\\odot\\odot\\atop\\smile}$$",
"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.",
"$200K a year to Bill Clinton, leader of the free world.  $3.5 million a year to Jeff George, warmer of the free bench.  -- Top 5",
"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony that's life.  Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to money, then you die...  I can't change, I can't change.  -- the Verve, Bittersweet Symphony",
"'I know' is just 'I Believe' with delusions of grandeur.",
"'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat.  -- Top 5",
"'Technology' is 'things invented after I was born'.  -- Alan Kay",
"'Twas in a restaurant they met, Romeo and Juliet; Julie could not pay the debt, So Rome-oed, what Julie et.",
"'What is optimism?' said Cacambo.  'Alas!' said Candide, 'it is the mania of maintaining that everything is well when we are wretched.'  -- Voltaire, Candide, Chapter 19",
"(*) (*) <--- Tribbles with shields up.",
"(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer?",
"(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened?",
"(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.  -- Steven Wright)",
"(Rick) Steiner's eyes are glazed, even more than normal!  -- Jim Ross",
"(Seeing a CAT'S MUSIC store) Cat Music! That's ridiculous! Who would buy music for their cat?!  -- Thanh Boyer",
"(Who ARE you?)  I'm Batman.  -- Michael Keaton",
"(c) 1995 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.",
"(c) Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.",
"(lesson learned: never use ordinal numbers in fragment-identifiers)  -- Dan Connolly",
"(while driving) You should've horned him.  -- Thanh Boyer",
"**We are not hammer-wielders, we are nail-holders**.  We are going to outline our DistSysState **problems** and then nominate XML as a solution, not promote XML for its own sake.  -- Rohit Khare",
"*I* can't believe they still haven't changed their name to Snackin' Pickle.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"*Respect* the problem.  WHY IS IT A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?  -- Rohit Khare",
"*Style*.  Beauty.  Grace.  That's what matters.  If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.  -- Terry Pratchett, _Lords and Ladies_",
"*What* do you *see* when you *see* the *stars*?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"*shake shake shake* HELLO?  The Web is not a reference source!  It's a cesspool of dubious information!  -- Catherine Buzzell",
"... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.  -- Mark Twain",
"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.  -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare",
"... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!",
"... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.  -- Thom McLeod",
"... where the 'stuff of life' is raining out of the skies...  -- Carl Sagan",
"...Hoare-like client/server approach...  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"...I think I shall simply place my thoughts elsewhere while you chatter away.",
"...I will have hideous nightmares involving huge monsters in academic robes carrying long bloody butcher knives labelled Excerpt, Selection, Passage and Abridged.  -- Helene Hanff",
"...a can of Schlitz, a basket of nachos, and thou.  -- Top 5",
"...a generation that had found all gods dead, all wars fought in vain, and all faiths in humanity shaken.   -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar.  -- Mark Twain",
"...and you recognize the reflection in our eyes, because deep down inside we are all one and the same.  We're clutching at straws, still drowning.  Clutching at straws, but still drowning.  -- Marillion, The Last Straw",
"...being as we've reached this violent consensus...  -- Chuck Koelbel",
"...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me.  I enjoyed it.  Well, who wouldn't?  -- Naked Gun 2 1/2",
"...borrowed from the epidemiological concept of herd immunity...  -- Rohit Khare, under protest",
"...for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.  -- Hamlet II.ii.253-4",
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women...  -- law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote",
"...it's predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself.  -- C. Lawson",
"...live, reporting from the California Institution of Technology...",
"...meanwhile, back at the oasis, all the Arabs were eating their dates.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a cigarette got his butt stomped.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a mathematician got his root extracted.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a pool table gets his balls racked.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a teabag is up to his neck in hot water.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a toilet is taking it all in.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, disguised as a doorknob comes off in the Lone Ranger's hand.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, grandma was beating off the Indians, while the cavalry was coming.",
"...that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word 'suckers' in it.  -- Smithers, The Simpsons",
"...the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call inhuman.  -- R. A. Lafferty",
"...the substance of our first act will be shadows, and the strife with shadows.  Heavier the interval than the consummation.  All things prepare the event.  Watch.  -- T.S. Eliot, Murder in the Cathedral",
"...the two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.  -- Harlan Ellison",
"...uncontrolled descents into terrain...",
"/me does Snoopy dance all across living room...",
"/me flashes an evil grin and fondles his high power weapons...",
"0-60 in five miles.  0-60 in your dreams.  0-60 in April.",
"1 + 1 = ? ...  Ask my calculator.",
"1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation.",
"1 in 7 Americans would prefer to give up sex than their remote control.",
"1) Conquer the computer industry.  2) Conquer the world.  3) Conquer the universe.  4) Finally get around to making Windows easy to use, administer, and program for (if we feel like it).  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show.  -- Top 5",
"1. Don't be dumb and a butthead.  2. Don't do the bad thing with a horse.  -- Megan Coughlin's House Rules",
"1. Everything depends.  2. Nothing is always.  3. Everything is sometimes.",
"1. Never remove your wig.  2. Never say anything.  3. Don't get drunk and let him shag you.  -- Blackadder IV",
"1. Take care of your feet.  2. Try not to do anything stupid, like get killed.  -- Forrest Gump",
"1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight:  It's not just a good idea, it's the law!",
"1/100th of a second is called a jiffy.",
"10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!",
"10 pt winner to Adam... \"Sure, I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.\"  -- Robbie Polinsky",
"10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.",
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.",
"101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR:  1. Scarecrow for centipedes; 2. Dead cat brush; 3. Hair barrettes; 4. Cleats; 5. Self-piercing earrings; 6. Fungus trellis; 7. False eyelashes; 8. Prosthetic dog claws; ...; 99. Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors; 100. Killer velcro; 101. Currency.",
"11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.",
"11% of Americans that suffer from indigestion would rather retake the SAT than watch a Jesse Helms filibuster.",
"11% of people who have tried Prozac would like to see Dan Quayle make a comeback because Al Gore just isn't funny enough.",
"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.",
"11:15 Restate my assumptions:  1. Mathematics is the language of nature.  2. Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers.  3. If you graph these numbers, patterns emerge.  Therefore: There are patterns everywhere in nature.  -- Pi",
"12% of European homes have a PC, compared with 37% of American homes.  -- WSJ, 1/97",
"1200 bps used to seem so fast...",
"13th Generation: Abort, Retry, Fail, Ignore?  -- Strauss and Howe",
"14% of Americans surveyed agreed that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because \"that extra star would make the flag look bad.\"",
"16% of Perot voters believe \"if dolphins were really smart, they could get out of those nets.\"",
"17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.",
"18 IPS is moseying along. 200 IPS is hauling ass.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"186,282 miles per second:  It's not just a good idea, it's the law.",
"186,282 miles per second:  It's not the law, it's just a challenge.",
"1942 pennies are lucky.  1942 thousand-dollar bills are luckier.",
"1948, n.:  A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell.",
"1984 has past, forget about Big Brother.  Welcome to the 90's where the government's your mother!  -- Scatterbrain",
"1994, the only reality we have.  -- Robin Quivers",
"2 + 2 = 4, for the time being.",
"2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2.",
"2 + 2 now equals 5.15785423. Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly.",
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.  Leave mess.",
"2.7 percent of American men are active homosexuals.  I guess that means the rest just lie there.  -- Bill Maher",
"20,000 miles to an oasis, 20,000 years will I burn.  20,000 chances are wasted, waiting for the moment to turn...  Catch me if I fall.",
"20-Something, Floundering, and Off the Yuppie Track.  -- Steven Gibb",
"200 pounds of cowboy determination takes on 2000 pounds of beef with an attitude.  -- Kevin and Bean",
"21 letter acronym: NAVAIRWARCENTRASYSDIV (Nav Air War Cen Tra Sys Div)",
"23 really *is* the penultimate prime of life.  -- Rohit Khare",
"24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?",
"2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!",
"25% of American men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving the house.  99% of them kiss their houses goodbye when leaving the wife.",
"28% of those who called themselves \"normal\" Americans would like to be King of Great Britain, but not if they had to marry the Queen.",
"29% of Perot voters say \"The candidate I vote for usually loses.\"",
"3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?",
"3 minutes means everything to us... 7 minutes means even more.",
"3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.",
"3 step plan on how to get what you want in life:  1. Cheat.  2. Lie.  3. Steal.",
"3 ways to get something done:  1. Do it yourself.  2. Hire someone.  3. Forbid your kids to do it.",
"3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.",
"34% of those who voted Republican in the last election believe Forrest Gump was a documentary.",
"35% of Americans believe Richard Nixon went to heaven.  59% believe he went \"someplace else.\"",
"355/113...  Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation!",
"39% of Americans believe that guns are not \"as dangerous as they say.\"",
"400 sizzling chapters.  A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century, with some hot gypsies thrown in.  My magnum opus.  -- Blackadder III",
"42% of all major-league home runs were hit with 2 strikes on the batter.  That's the good news.  The bad news:  Of all the strikeouts ever recorded, 100% of them came with two strikes on the batter.  -- Men's Health",
"43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr <segmentation fault>",
"45 bucks?!?  You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!",
"45% of Americans believe that if space aliens could pick up C-Span and see Sonny Bono on the floor of the House, they would never visit Earth.",
"55 saves lives.  -- Rodney King",
"555!  The number of the Fnord!",
"640K ought to be enough for anybody.  -- Bill Gates, 1981",
"668 - Neighbor of the Beast",
"69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...",
"7 months ago I could give an order and 541,000 people would follow it. Today I can't get a plumber to come to my house.  -- Norman Schwartzkopff",
"70% of American women have never had an emotionally satisfactory relationship with a Republican.",
"72 degrees in your head, every lovin' day!  -- Brain Candy",
"80% of all statistics are wrong.",
"80% of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.  -- Jackie Mason",
"88% of Bush voters \"have no idea what rappers are talking about.\"",
"89% of Americans think we are way too rude, according to a recent telephone poll.  The other 11% hung up instead of answering the question.",
"9 men and no babes... what a pathetic, skewed lifestyle of geekdom and cold pizza. Sign me UP!  -- Rohit Khare",
"9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.",
"90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.",
"90% of what is thought shouldn't be said; 90% of what is said shouldn't be written; 90% of what is written shouldn't be published; 90% of what is published shouldn't be read; 90% of what is read shouldn't be remembered.  -- Israel Salanter",
"95% of the brain goes unused.  If we could tap into that... superman.  -- Slacker",
"95% of this game is half mental.  -- Yogi Berra",
"98% of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans.  It's the other lousy 2% that get all the publicity.  But then, we elected them.  -- Lily Tomlin",
"99.9999% of the budget was given to some special effects company while the other .0001% (the cost of a banana) was given to a chimp with a crayon to select from a list of lines.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"<choke> <choke> <run to bathroom> <vomit> <wipe mouth>  -- John Dobbin",
"<pot> /msg kettle you black",
"A 23 year old Italian man emerged from a coma after four years of caressing, rubbing and massaging by his girlfriend.  Yeah, like he wasn't pretending to be asleep.",
"A Beast is not like itself, but an evil man is half a beast and half a devil.  -- Joseph Hall",
"A Brother is someone you grok.  -- Earle M. Herbert",
"A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.",
"A CONS is an object which cares.  -- Bernie Greenberg",
"A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance.  -- John Wing Jr",
"A Catholic, Jew, Afro-American, and a Gay all walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up at them and says, \"What is this, a joke?\"",
"A Chernobyl man won the three-legged race.  -- Jay Leno",
"A Christian and a Moslem walk into a bar.  The Jew ducks.",
"A Cockney can have a great deal of difficulty making a distinction between feces and theses.",
"A DEAD TELEPHONE SANITIZER?  best kind.  BUT WHATS HE DOING HERE?  not a lot.  -- Douglas Adams",
"A Democrat is someone who would be a Republican if he had the money.",
"A Domino's Pizza employee was awarded $237,000 after his female boss sexually harrassed him.  I guess she wanted him to deliver in 30 minutes or less.",
"A Fast-Fish belongs to the party fast to it.  A Loose-Fish is fair game for anybody who can soonest catch it.",
"A French woman claimed she killed her husband because of his excessive flatulence.  In fact, she testified that when he died in her arms, his last request was, Pull my finger.",
"A Freudian Slip, like when you say one thing and mean a mother?  If it's not one thing, it's a mother.",
"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A Harvard study found that kids who feel loved grow into healthier adults.  On the plus side for the unloved group, they tended to land high paying jobs as IRS auditors.",
"A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.",
"A Law of Computer Programming:  Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.",
"A PC is the LSD of the 1990s.  -- Timothy Leary",
"A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to survive.",
"A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.  -- Canada Bill Jones",
"A TV set is an instrument with a picture in front, a loud speaker on the side and an installment behind.",
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.  -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin",
"A William and Mary Intramural Basketball Team:  Dick and the Four Skins",
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.",
"A Zen buddhist walks into a pizza place and says, \"Make me one with everything!\" -- Dave Sweeney",
"A Zen philosopher once said, a flute with no holes is not a flute, and a donut with no holes is a danish.  Think about it.  -- Chevy Chase",
"A [computer] virus that animates a penis and shoots things sounds pretty cool.  -- Robert Harley",
"A \"130MB\" CDROM?  What did they do, sandblast the other 400MB?  -- Rohit Khare",
"A \"no\" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a \"yes\" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.  -- Mahatma Ghandi",
"A baby is God's opinion that life should go on.  -- Carl Sandburg",
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.  -- Carl Sandburg",
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.",
"A bachelor is a guy who likes to love as long as it's not followed by honor and obey.",
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some poor woman out of a divorce.",
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1",
"A bad standard is better than nothing.  It gives you something to violate.",
"A bank is a very respectable, dignified institution that is established for you to keep the government's money in until April 15.",
"A banker is the person who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it rains.  -- Mark Twain",
"A barber is a clip-joint operator.",
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.",
"A bear in his natural habitat.  A studebaker.  -- Fozzie Bear",
"A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself, to keep his friends in countenance.  -- Benjamin Franklin",
"A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big.  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.  -- Senator Everett Dirksen, R-Ill.",
"A billion quadrillion tons of exploding hydrogen nuclei rose over the horizon and managed to look small, cold, and slightly damp.",
"A billion's a good round number.  -- CNN founder Ted Turner, announcing his donation of $1 billion (US) over the next decade to establish a foundation to fund United Nations programs",
"A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  A bird sings because it has a song.",
"A bird in hand is worth what it will bring.",
"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.",
"A bird in the hand can be messy.",
"A bird in the hand is useless if you want to blow your nose.",
"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.",
"A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.  -- Much Ado About Nothing",
"A bone to the dog is not charity.  Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.  -- Jack London",
"A book is a mirror: if an ass peers into it, you can't expect an apostle to look out.  -- G.C. Lichtenberg",
"A book is judged, not by its reference to life, but by its reference to other books.  -- Stephen Fry, Worse By Design",
"A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.  -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina",
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.  -- Bert Leston Taylor",
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.",
"A bore talks about himself.  A brilliant conversationalist talks about you.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"A boss says go.  A leader says let's go.",
"A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.",
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.  -- Homer Simpson",
"A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see the guy in an elevator and he is fat and smoking a cigar and saying long-time-no-see.  If he hadn't broken your heart, you couldn't have that glorious feeling of relief!  -- Phyllis Batelle",
"A brunette surrounded by blondes is vacuum packed.",
"A budget is a complete record of how you managed to spend more than you earned.",
"A budget is a planned method of worrying.",
"A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.",
"A bugless program is an abstract theoretical concept.",
"A bull in a china shop is not capable of appreciating the beauty and elegance of a fine piece of hand painted porcelain.",
"A bunch of us at work have these styrofoam \"ducks\" with states of mind on them.  Mine are HATE and LAME (you turn the duck to indicate which one best describes you on a given day).  We also have APATHY, HUBRIS, REVENGE, etc.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"A burp is not an answer.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"A bus station is where the bus stops.  This computer is a WORK station.  -- Roger B. Dannenberg",
"A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station.  On my desk I have a workstation...",
"A businessman is judged by the company he keeps solvent.",
"A butterfly flapping its wings in Galviston will somewhere down the road create a monsoon in China.  -- Slacker",
"A camel is a horse planned by committee.",
"A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.",
"A car can massage organs which no masseur can reach.  It is the one remedy for the disorders of the great sympathetic nervous system.  -- Jean Cocteau",
"A car is just a big purse on wheels.  -- Johanna Reynolds",
"A cat has paws at the end of its claws; a comma has pause at the end of its clause.",
"A cat has the paws before the claws, and a comma has the clause before the pause.",
"A cat that jumps on a hot stove will never jump on a hot stove again.  Neither will it jump on a cold stove.  -- Michael Cameron",
"A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer.",
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.",
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.  -- Carl Sagan",
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.  Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.  -- Ronnie Corbett",
"A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.",
"A chameleon looking into a mirror sees a mirror.",
"A chameleon on plaid.  -- Herbert Hoover about FDR",
"A champion fishmerman is a master baiter.",
"A change in the weather is enough to renew the world and ourselves.  -- Marcel Proust",
"A chaste woman ought not to die her hair yellow.  -- Menander",
"A cheerleader is an athletic supporter.",
"A chicken in every time zone.  -- Boris Yeltsin's campaign promise",
"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.  -- George Santayana",
"A child learns what he lives.  -- Dorothy Law Nolte",
"A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.",
"A child without a father is like a house without a roof.",
"A child without a vision is at risk of failing and living only day to day.  -- Jim Lewis",
"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.  -- Orben's Current Comedy",
"A chip on the shoulder means wood further up.",
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.  -- Bill Vaughan",
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.  -- Herbert Prochnow",
"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.",
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.  -- Mark Twain",
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.",
"A clean desk is a sign of a really full hard drive!",
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.",
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
"A closed mind gathers no intelligence.",
"A closed mouth gathers no foot.",
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.",
"A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.  \"Who died?\" he asked a nearby local.  \"I'm not sure,\" replied the local, \"but I think its the one in the coffin.\"",
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  -- Milton Berle",
"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.  -- Lazarus Long",
"A computer calls his son a microchip off the old block.",
"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.  -- Joseph Campbell",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  -- Mitch Ratliffe, Technology Review, April 1992",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  -- Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ 4/92",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the exception of handguns and tequila.  -- D.W. McArthur",
"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.",
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.",
"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.  -- Fred Allen",
"A conference is an elite meeting on equal terms; a congress is a group of elites meeting on opposite terms; a convention is a mob meeting on equal terms; a course is an elite instructing a mob; and a colloquium is a group capable of considering all these phenomena.  -- Malcolm Bradbury",
"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.  -- Abba Eban",
"A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.  -- Frank Rizzo",
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.",
"A conservative is just a liberal who has been mugged.",
"A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.",
"A constipated woman barged in on me and said, Eeek!  A boy!  Get out before I call Queer Nation.  -- Rugburns",
"A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.",
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.  -- Dyer",
"A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow death loses its sting.  -- Blackadder II",
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.  -- Ben Franklin",
"A couple billion here, a few billion there... before you know it, it starts adding up to real money.",
"A couple having sex in a McDonalds?  Talk about your happy meal.  And you think Clinton visited a lot before...  -- Jay Leno",
"A cow who cannot give milk is an udder failure.",
"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.",
"A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.",
"A curious energetically mellow mix of frivolity and unrestrained candor with five types of whole grain.",
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A daisy chain is no stronger than its weakest dink.",
"A day is a miniature eternity.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"A day not wasted is a day wasted!",
"A day without fusion and radiation is like a day without sunshine.",
"A day without puns is like a day without sunshine.  There's gloom for improvement.",
"A day without sunshine is like night.  -- Goldie Hawn",
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.",
"A decision is what people make when they can't find anyone to form a committee.",
"A delightfully depressing examination of the disillusionment and disenfranchisement of our generation.  -- Paolo Sivilotti",
"A diamond is just a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.  -- The Cooker",
"A different world cannot be built by indifferent people.  -- Peter Marshall",
"A dinner coat looks better than full dress.",
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.  -- Robert Frost",
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.",
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.",
"A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.",
"A dirty book is rarely dusty.",
"A dishonest man and a harp struck by lighting are both a blasted lyre.",
"A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done because a machine I've never heard of is down.  -- Leslie Lamport",
"A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...",
"A dog is a dog unless he's facing you; then he's MR. dog.",
"A dog is smarter than some people.  It wags its tail and not its tongue.",
"A dog's rule of life:  If you can't eat it or hump it, urinate on it.",
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.  -- Ogden Nash",
"A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys.  String and sealing wax give way to other toys.",
"A dream is like a call to Wabash, Australia.  You only get every other word, and nothing make sense.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"A drink a day keeps the shrink away.  -- Edward Abbey",
"A driver with a truckload of hogs was looking for a porking place.",
"A drop of love can prevent the spilling of oceans of blood.",
"A drop of nicotine on the tongue of a dog can kill a man.  -- Laurence McEwen",
"A drowning man does not die silently.  -- Snake Eyes",
"A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.  Geez, never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice cream.  The results can be a trifle unpredictable.",
"A dyslexic policeman spent Friday night giving out IUD's.",
"A failing Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the United States.  All of our big companies may have to move back here.",
"A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.",
"A famous ballerina's protege-lover could be said to be under her tutelage.",
"A famous sculpter when ask how he did such a masterpiece said, The masterpiece was always there I just removed the pieces that were covering it up and did not belong.",
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.  -- Winston Churchill",
"A fate WORSE than a fate worse than death.... That's pretty bad.  -- Blackadder",
"A feature is just a bug with seniority.  -- George G. Galdiano",
"A federal survey shows that California leads the nation in illiteracy.  This can't be true!  Most of our parents were married!",
"A few giant Chia pets would really set off the pink flamingos.  -- Top 5",
"A few months ago, I joined a physical-fitness club.  I now weigh $1250 less.",
"A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.",
"A fine lass, of nice ways and orderly conduct, none ever seeing her drunk above four days in the seven.  -- Mark Twain, The Prince and the Pauper",
"A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.",
"A fool and her money are soon courted.",
"A fool and his money are some party.",
"A fool and his money are soon partying!",
"A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.",
"A fool and your money are soon parted.",
"A fool is quick tempered; a wise man stays cool when insulted.  -- Proverbs 12:16",
"A fool is ruled by the stars, a wise man is aware of them.",
"A fool must now and then be right by chance.",
"A fool says in his heart that there is no God.  -- Psalm 14:1",
"A fool with the right tools, is still a fool.",
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.  -- G. B. Shaw",
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.  With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, _Essays: First Series_ (1841), Self-Reliance",
"A foolish hobgoblin is the small consistency of minds.",
"A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.  -- David Gries",
"A formal system that encompasses everything is good for nothing.  -- Leslie Lamport",
"A free agent is anything but.",
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.  -- Adlai Stevenson",
"A friend in need is a friend indeed.  -- English Proverb",
"A friend in need is a pain in the ass.",
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.  -- Emerson",
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes.",
"A friend is someone you call to help you move.  A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.",
"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.  -- Emo Phillips",
"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.  -- Steven Wright",
"A friend of mine once said, \"If you're ever around when someone dies, look up and wave.  They'll get a big kick out of it.\"  -- Poi Dog Pondering",
"A friend of mine won't get a divorce because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.",
"A friend once asked me to tote up trains, planes, and automobiles, and in 1996 the grand total came to about 183k miles. Yes, I have accelerated up to one light-second per year... It's a wave!, it's a particle!, it's TRAVELMAN! (yes, but are we certain where he is and where he's going?)  -- Rohit Khare",
"A friend told me to listen to my heart.  Another friend told me to listen to my gut.  Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.  -- Paul Reiser",
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed.",
"A fundamentalist is an idealist with whom you disagree.",
"A game is a closed field, a ring of death with, oh, sex as the center.  Performing is the only game I've got.  -- Jim Morrison",
"A game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.  -- Seinfeld",
"A gasoline carrier is like a police car, it's a petrol wagon.",
"A geek is a geek is a geek.  Caves are attractive to them.  Sunlight and crisp fall air are the sirens that lure them away from the purity of their mission.  A tan should be a warning sign to women that the guy might be faking it in the geek department.  -- Abigail Rabinowitz",
"A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.  -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981",
"A genius is an average student with a Jewish mother.",
"A girl I sent email to thought it was specifically directed at her, got VERY offended and won't talk to me anymore.  Plus she was a babe.  So I went back to the lame one.  -- Robert Harley",
"A girl asked me out last week.  I was in her house at the time.",
"A girl is busted, a tool is not.",
"A girl phoned me and said, \"Come on over; there's nobody home.\"  I went over.  There was nobody home!  -- Rodney Dangerfield",
"A girlfriend is a bottle of wine.  A wife is a wine bottle.",
"A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).",
"A global study reveals that US students are extremely weak in math.  The research shows that most teenagers can't even count their blessings.  The good news is, at least they're assured a job with the National Park Service.",
"A gnab gib is a big bang in reverse.  -- Douglas Adams",
"A gold rush is what happens when a line of chorus girls spot a man with a bank roll.  -- Klondike Annie",
"A good aphorism is too hard for the tooth of time, and is not worn away by all the centuries, although it serves as food for every epoch.  -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, _Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions_, 1879",
"A good collection of incremental examples is the best teaching tool.  -- Mani Chandy",
"A good compromise leaves everybody mad.  -- Bill Watterson",
"A good conversationalist is not one who remembers what was said, but says what someone wants to remember.  -- John Mason Brown",
"A good cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's.",
"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.  -- Alfred Hitchcock",
"A good imitation of measles rash can be effected by stabbing the forearm with a stiff whisk-broom.",
"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.  -- Wilson Mizner",
"A good marriage is like an incredible retirement fund:  You put everything you have into it during your productive life, and over the years it turns from silver to gold to platinum.  -- Willard Scott",
"A good motto for Seattle would be \"Settle for Seattle\".  -- John Dobbin",
"A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men usually have jobs and bathe.  -- Rita Rudner",
"A good plan violently executed NOW is better than a perfect plan next week.  -- General George S. Patton Jr, War as I Knew it",
"A good pun is its own reword.",
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of the idea.  -- John Ciardi",
"A good reputation is more valuable than money.",
"A good rule of thumb for car airbag owners is that if you're closer the steering wheel than about 11 inches (which you can think of as the long direction of a standard sized piece of notebook paper), you're too close.",
"A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is that anything that calls itself \"science\" probably isn't.  -- John Searle",
"A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.  -- Dr Morris Fishbein",
"A good vacuum really sucks.",
"A good woman is like a good bar... liquor in the front and poker in the back.",
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.  -- Barry Goldwater",
"A government with the policy to rob Peter to pay Paul can be assured of the support of Paul.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.  -- Saul Bellow",
"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage.  -- Goethe",
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.  -- William James",
"A great ring of pure and endless light dazzles the darkness in my heart, and breaks apart the dusky clouds of night; the end of all is hinted in the start.  -- Madeleine L'Engle",
"A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.  -- Albert Schweitzer",
"A group of elegant monster dogs in top hats, tails, and bustle skirts become instant celebrities when they come to New York in 2008.  -- Kirsten Bakis, Lives of the Monster Dogs",
"A group of hackers devised a protocol for transmitting Usenet over the Internet, which was completely subsidized by the federal deficit.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A grunge band from Seattle, well this sure beats raising cattle.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"A guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.",
"A guru went to the dentist and said, \"I'd like to transcend dental medication.\"",
"A guy came over and wanted to read the gas meter.  Doesn't anyone read the classics anymore?",
"A half moon is better than no moon at all.",
"A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.",
"A handsome man is not quite poor.  -- Spanish proverb",
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.  -- Andre Maurois",
"A harp is a nude piano.",
"A hat is wasted on a man with no head.  -- Mad About You",
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience.  -- John Updike",
"A helicopter is close enough to be brought down with small arms fire when you can no longer completely cover it with your thumb held at arm's length.  -- Vietnamese Rule of Thumb",
"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.  -- Samuel Butler",
"A hero is someone who does what he can.",
"A high level staff meeting will always make the big boss feel better.",
"A high-density computer with a very powerful three-dimensional resolution capacity... say what?  -- Robert Harley",
"A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.  -- Brander Matthews",
"A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!  -- One of dem Henrys",
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.  -- Shelley Berman",
"A house divided is a split level.",
"A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer.  Well, I suppose that proves they're really not all bad.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.",
"A hungry dog hunts best.  A hungrier dog hunts even better.",
"A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.   -- Helen Rowland",
"A job is nice but it interferes with my life.",
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.",
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.  -- Robert Frost",
"A jury took eight minutes yesterday to acquit a man who ran over and killed a teenage car thief after the judge said they should not convict him if they believed he had been trying to make a citizen's arrest.",
"A king is but a foolish labourer / Who wastes his blood to be another's dream.  -- W. B. Yeats",
"A kiss is the upper persuasion for lower invasion.",
"A koan is a story about Zen masters and their students.  Sometimes it is like a riddle; other times like a fable; and other times like nothing you've ever heard before.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.",
"A lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.",
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too.  -- Jake Johansen",
"A lady is known by the product she endorces.  -- Ogden Nash",
"A land without ruins is a land without memories - a land without memories is a land without history.  -- Abram Joseph Ryan",
"A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.  -- Max Weinreich",
"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do.  -- Dennis M. Ritchie",
"A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work by being declared to work.  -- Anatol Holt",
"A large viper must be swallowed with extreme caution.",
"A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss; in the Republican Party he is a leader.  -- Harry Truman",
"A legend is a lie that has attained the dignity of age.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A leopard never changes his stripes.  -- Al Gore",
"A lesser-known corollary of the Pauli exclusion principle: Mani and Rohit cannot work in the same department ;|  -- Robert Harley",
"A lex upon you, and a yacc on your kin!",
"A liberal always has both feet firmly planted in the clouds.",
"A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.  -- Tom Wolfe",
"A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.",
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but also more useful than a life spent doing nothing.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A light year has 1/3 the calories of a regular year.",
"A limerick crams laughs astronomical into space truly economical.  But the funniest I've seen are not often clean, and the clean ones so seldom are comical.",
"A lioness may mate a hundred times a *day* with many different partners during the week if she is in estrus.  What the hell!?  I don't know whether to say \"you go girl\" or OUCH!  -- Persephone Silverthorn",
"A list is only as strong as its weakest link.  -- Donald E. Knuth",
"A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.",
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.  -- Bismarck",
"A little exposure really boosted Pee Wee Herman's career.",
"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.  -- P.J. O'Rourke",
"A little greed can get you lots of stuff.",
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.  -- Saki",
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wits and add drama to an otherwise dull day!  -- Calvin",
"A little work never hurt anyone.  I just don't want to be its first victim.",
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.  -- Robert Frost",
"A loafer is a person who is trying to make both weekends meet.",
"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.  -- Thomas Paine",
"A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me cry...  -- Don McLean",
"A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.",
"A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe's:  1. TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.  Example: \"This childbirth really hurt's!\"  -- Dave Barry",
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.  -- Doug Larson",
"A lover is a strange bird.  He feels strongest when he's all in.",
"A loving wife will do anything for her husband except stop criticizing him and trying to improve him.  -- J.B. Priestly",
"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.  -- Arnold H. Glasow, WSJ",
"A machine that isn't checked out is a \"down\" machine and can't be used even though it may work perfectly.  -- Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance",
"A mafia hitman was taking a poor guy for a ride.  A slay ride.",
"A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.",
"A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.",
"A major part of Zen is the fight against reliance on words.  To combat the use of words, one of the best devices is the koan, where words are so deeply abused that one's mind is practically left reeling, if one takes the koans seriously.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  -- Carrie Snow",
"A man can be forgiven if he can quote Shakespeare in an economic crisis.  -- H.R.H. Prince Philip",
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.",
"A man climbed the fence to the bear cage in Karachi and began yelling to the bears, apparently challenging them to a fight.  According to hospital officials, the bears accepted.",
"A man could go quite mad, and not be all that bad.  Consider each superb, disturbing urge you've ever had:  to curse aloud in church or choke each bloke who throws a smile your way....  Sometimes I think that sanity is just a passing fad.  -- Rosa Bud, Drood",
"A man couldn't enter a fancy club without a tie, so he used jumper cables from his car for a tie.  The doorman said, \"Well, I guess you can come in, but you better not start anything.\"",
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.  -- Jack Handey",
"A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.  -- Alexander Smith",
"A man has a right to unrestricted liberty of discussion.  Falsehood is a scorpion that will sting itself to death.  -- Percy Bysshe Shelley, A Declaration of Rights",
"A man in general is better pleased when he has a good dinner than when his wife talks Greek.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"A man in my position... which is, seated upright...  -- David Letterman",
"A man in the house is worth two in the street.",
"A man is a king.  A king is a ruler.  A ruler is 12 inches.  Are you a man?",
"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she dares.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"A man is as old as he feels.  But never as important.",
"A man is as old as he's feeling.  A woman as old as she looks.  -- Mortimer Collins",
"A man is as old as the woman he feels.",
"A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.  -- Zsa Zsa Gabor",
"A man is not finished when he is defeated.  He is finished when he quits.  -- Richard M. Nixon",
"A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.",
"A man is rich in proportion to the things he can afford to let alone.  -- Henry David Thoreau",
"A man looks in the abyss, there is nothing staring back at him.  At that moment he discovers his character.  That keeps the man out of the abyss.  -- Wall Street",
"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A man may be born, but in order to be born he first must die, and in order to die he must first awake.  -- Gurdieff",
"A man of convictions, none of them pending.  -- David Letterman of Oliver North",
"A man of genius makes no mistakes.  His errors are volitional and are portals of discovery.  -- James Joyce",
"A man of great memory without learning hath a rock and a spindle and no staff to spin.  -- George Herbert",
"A man of principles.  None of them interesting.  -- John Dobbin",
"A man said to the Universe: \"Sir, I exist!\"  \"However,\" replied the Universe, \"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.\"  -- Stephen Crane",
"A man should build a house with his own hands before he calls himself an engineer.  -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn",
"A man should live forever, or die trying.",
"A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave.  -- William Drummond",
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.  -- Mark Twain",
"A man who finds it painful to smile should not open a shop.  -- Confucius",
"A man who is his own doctor should file a malpractice suit.  Either way he wins.",
"A man who kills one man is a murderer.  A man who kills 10,000 men is a hero.  -- Tolstoy",
"A man who was late paying bills was sent a note saying, \"Your account is long overdue.  It has been on our books over a year.  Must remind you, we have now carried you longer than your mother did.\"",
"A man with one watch always knows what time it is.  A man with two watches is never quite sure.",
"A man without hand is not a man.  I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.  -- Seinfeld",
"A man works hard for his filth, only to have vagrants come and steal it.  It's a crying shame.  -- Ren and Stimpy",
"A man would discover sorrow if all his wishes were satisfied.  -- Aesop",
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.",
"A man's body is 70% water.  However, a dolphin's body is 0% water, so dolphins have to live in the ocean.",
"A man's character is his destiny.  -- Heraclitus, the Obscure One",
"A man's dreams are an index to his greatness.  -- Zadok Rabinwitz",
"A man's got to know his limitations.  -- Harry Callahan, Magnum Force",
"A man's home is his coffin.  -- Al Bundy",
"A man's home is his hassle.",
"A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!",
"A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so he takes a hot one.  -- Dave Barry",
"A mass of stoney encrustatations rotating about its central axis gathers no bryophytic vegetation.",
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.  -- Paul Erdos",
"A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.",
"A meme is the simplest or smallest concept or idea that can be communicated between two people.  If the concept is not simple or small, it's not a meme, it's a culture.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"A microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan...",
"A midget telling you your hair smells nice.",
"A million dollars sounds like a lot, but it actually isn't.  -- Joan Collins",
"A millionaire requested he be cremated and his ashes sent to the IRS wish this message: \"Now you have it all.\"",
"A mind is a terrible thing to ****.  It's all gooey and there's no access without blood.  -- John Dobbin",
"A mind is a terrible thing to taste.",
"A mind is a terrible thing to ugg... I forgot...",
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but let's give it a shot.",
"A mind is a terrible thing.",
"A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.  -- Oliver Wendell Holmes",
"A miner's canary is an inch away and pointing in the wrong direction, sprawled out and dead on the floor.  -- Rohit Khare",
"A mohawk for the mind.  Snip away the shades of grey matter.  No matter, nevermind.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new; when an age ends; and when the soul of a nation long suppressed find utterance.  -- Jawaharlal Nehru, from his midnight speech on the occasion of India's independence from Great Britain on August 15, 1947",
"A month of experiments can save a couple of hours in the library.",
"A moose once bit my sister...",
"A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.  -- Top 5",
"A motion to adjourn is always in order.",
"A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, a libido, a denial.  -- Nirvana",
"A murder is only an extroverted suicide.",
"A myth is a female moth.",
"A national survey conducted by Off the Wall Street Journal shows that 86% of senior officers in 65% of the Fortune 500 companies keep a mistress currently, and have kept a mistress in the past or intend to find one as soon as they finish reading this article.  -- Off the Wall Street Journal, 1982",
"A near miss a HIT.  -- George Carlin",
"A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.",
"A neck wound that resembled, in the words of one bystander, a really bad hickey.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"A network computer with a virus has a stuffed up node.",
"A neurotic reacts wildly to stimuli.  A psychotic creates his own.",
"A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How much for a beer?\"  The bartender replies, \"For you, no charge.\"",
"A new discovery of a human jaw and some tools sheds new light on early man.  Although man's jaw has evolved, his obsession with tools has not.",
"A new study claims that a moderate amount of alcohol can help a person think.  Right.  You not only think the woman at the end of the bar is beautiful, but that she's also interested in you.",
"A new study reveals that 14% of all Americans do not speak English.  And the vast majority of them write computer manuals.  -- Dave Barry",
"A new study reveals that guests on daytime talk shows are predominantly female.  Of course, most of them weren't born that way.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"A new study says that marijuana does not make a good medicine.  It took years for the scientists to reach this conclusion, but no one in the test group seemed to mind.",
"A new survey found that 61% of adults know people who go to work under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  The other 39% used the survey as rolling paper.",
"A new survey reveals that 28% of all Americans admit they sometimes urinate in the swimming pool. Today, 19 countries withdrew from the '96 Summer Games in Atlanta.",
"A new wine is about to be released as a result of NAFTA.  The wine will be made in California, the cork will be made in Canada, the labels will be from Mexico, and the hangover will be from Hell.",
"A new... poll finds that 90% of those surveyed said \"improving the IRS\" should be a top priority for their legislators.  This is amazing.  What on earth could the remaining 10% be thinking of?  -- WSJ editorial, 6/25/97",
"A newspaper should be the maximum of information and the minimum of comment.  -- Richard Cobden, 1804-1865",
"A newspaper should be the maximum of information, and the minimum of comment.  -- Richard Cobden, 1804-1865",
"A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.  A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.",
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.  -- Yogi Berra",
"A night of \"Showgirls\" and Tequila shooters with Clarence Thomas.  -- Top 5",
"A nightmare of in-line hand-optimizations and micro hacks.  Register variables with names like p, pp, and ppp being used for multitudes of differebt purposes in different parts of a single function.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A nuclear bomb can really ruin your day.",
"A one track mind is about as good as an 8-track.  -- Cindy Parker",
"A painter should not paint what he sees, but what will be seen.  -- Paul Valery",
"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.",
"A pathetic, poorly written, pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-spiritual, pseudo-document of schmaltz.  But if they want me to be in the movie, sign me up.  -- David Duchovny on Bridges of Madison County",
"A patriotic American likes to discuss the Constitution of the United States despite the fact he has never taken the time to read it.",
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.  -- Gloria Steinem",
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.",
"A penny for your thoughts.  \"A dollar for your death.\"",
"A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.",
"A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.",
"A penny saved is a penny earned (copyright 1995 Chinese Proverbs Inc., Shanghai.  All right reserved.  No portion of this fortune may be reproduced in any way without express permission of the publisher.)",
"A penny saved is depreciated.",
"A penny saved is ridiculous.",
"A people who expect to be ignorant and free expect what never will, and never can, be.  -- Thomas Jefferson",
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.  -- James Dent",
"A perfectionist is one who takes infinite pains and passes them along to everybody else.",
"A person in search of a dream?  Maybe my new dream is to FIND a new dream.  Maybe my new goal IS to find a new goal, since I have this lifewish that sticks me wandering on this planet for another 50 or 60 years.  Every day brings me a little closer to dreaming a new dream.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A person is as big as the things which make him angry.",
"A person should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.  -- Alexander Pope",
"A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.",
"A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat.",
"A perversion of nature...  how exciting!",
"A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is one who hopes they are.  -- Chauncey Depew",
"A pessimist is never disappointed.",
"A pessimist looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.",
"A phone call costs less than you think.  Soon it will cost more than you believe.",
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.  -- George Wald",
"A picture is worth a thousand words.  So draw a picture of the Gettysburg address.  -- Leo Rosten",
"A picture is worth a thousand words... can you draw a picture to express that?  -- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut",
"A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.",
"A plague on both your spouses!",
"A planet where apes evolved from men?  -- MST3K",
"A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.",
"A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship.  -- Ivern Ball",
"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A politician isn't above corruption much like an ocean isn't above clouds.",
"A politician would do well to remember that he has to live with his conscience longer than he does with his constituents.  -- Melvin R. Laird",
"A porno row near a club I go to just shut down in the last month and I really miss seeing the people hanging around outside looking shady and the lights on the shops flashing invitingly.  Life's not quite the same without the seedy fringy.  -- John Dobbin",
"A positive anything is better than a negative nothing.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"A powerful relationship requires the capacity to enter another's reality; to see how that person sees the world.",
"A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.",
"A pride of lions.  A gaggle of geese.  An odd lot of programmers.",
"A principle widely held by physicists states that there is no such thing as a truly independent observer, that every act of perception, no matter how trivial, affects whatever is observed.  Information theorists recognize a similar principle: every message, no matter how perfunctory, is carried by a medium that colors its meaning for the recipient.  -- Jerry Kaplan",
"A process which led from the amoeba to man appeared to the philosophers to be obviously a progress, though whether the amoeba would agree with this opinion is not known.  -- Bertrand Russell",
"A proctologist with a psychology degree specializes in odds and ends.",
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.",
"A program is never less than 90% complete... and never more than 95% complete.  -- Terry Baker, IBM's Federal Systems Division, 1975",
"A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"A project is beginning in San Diego, California, to test a \"driverless\" freeway system.  This is great!  With both hands free, it will be so much easier to reload.",
"A prostitution archetype.  That is sooooooo funny!  -- John Thornley",
"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.  -- Joey Adams",
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.",
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.  -- Steel City News",
"A raise is like a martini:  it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily.  -- Dan Seligman",
"A real man would not shoplift the pootie from a single mother.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"A real optimist is a guy who can hand his car to a parking lot attendant and not look back.",
"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.",
"A really grand passion is comparatively rare nowadays.  It is the privilege of people who have nothing to do.  That is the one use of the idle classes in the country.  -- Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance",
"A recent statistical study revealed that the average American has one testicle and one breast.",
"A referenced outcome under a joint partnership is near an idiomatically simple purpose, but since a historical circulation is not realizable, a necessarily initial increment of an essential documentation is defined.",
"A relationship is a pervading and changing mystery.  Brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to.  -- Eudora Welty",
"A replacement player hit a home run with my cheatin' wife.",
"A repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.  -- Repo Man",
"A reporter asked me not long ago whether I had ever expected a commercial internet to operate. 'Yes,' I answered, 'that didn't surprise me.  Finding URLs in lipstick advertisements really threw me though.'  -- Fred Baker",
"A researcher in San Diego says that eating 25 pounds of chocolate can give you the same effect as marijuana. But as you know, the main effect of eating marijuana is eating 25 pounds of chocolate, so it's the same thing.  -- Jay Leno",
"A retentive memory is a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"A roast aardvark without an apple in its mouth is like a martini without the egg.",
"A rolling stone gathers momentum.",
"A room without books is like a body without a soul.  -- Cicero",
"A room-spent night does not a boyfriend make.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.  -- John Tudor",
"A salvage company has located George Bush's WWII plane at the bottom of the South China sea.  It also found Dan Quayle's Vietnam era 3 wood at the bottom of a lake at an Indianapolis golf course.",
"A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.  -- Peter McArthur",
"A scholar is he who doesn't repeat his mistakes but rather makes new ones.",
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.",
"A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  -- Jack Benny",
"A security system is only as secure as its secret.  Beware of pseudo-secrets.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"A sense of humor is the difference between ambition and achievement.",
"A sense of mystery always heightens desire... it is advisable for a girl to never reveal too much.  -- Helen Gurley Brown, Sex in the Office, 196x",
"A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.",
"A sex symbol becomes a thing.  I hate being a thing.  -- Marilyn Monroe",
"A shadow is the... mobile, persistent, distributed, self-descriptive, self-contained, pro-active, cooperative, trustworthy, object-oriented, software analog of some real world object.  -- Sandor Spruit",
"A ship in harbor is safe... but that is not what ships are for.  -- John A. Shedd",
"A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.  -- Dutch proverb",
"A showoff always gets shown up in a showdown.",
"A sign for a superintendent of schools was \"Bored of Education\".",
"A sign warning that police are doing arial speed checks:  Pigs in space!",
"A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mind like a steel trap.",
"A simile is like a metaphor.",
"A simple, half-done job is more virtuous than a complex, well-executed one.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.  -- Professor Steiner",
"A single fact can spoil a good argument.",
"A ski jump is a leap made by a person on the way to the hospital.",
"A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being frank.",
"A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust.",
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.  -- in the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance",
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.  -- the U.S. Army's PS magazine, August 1993",
"A small case of mood poisoning.  Must be something I hate.  -- Wild Palms",
"A small town is where there's little to do or say, but what you hear makes up for it.  -- Ivern Ball",
"A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.",
"A smile increases your face value.",
"A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.",
"A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation, is a society which is on the way out.  -- L. Ron Hubbard",
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  -- Solomon (Proverbs 15:1)",
"A soft drink turneth away company.",
"A son is one whose incantations and offerings keep a father's spirit from wandering homeless and hungry in the waste spaces of eternity.  -- Hindu proverb",
"A sorority girl's favorite wine is \"I wanna go home\".",
"A spirit with a vision is a dream with a mission.  -- Rush",
"A starving entrepreneur can't afford to offend customers.  One spends 40-80 hours/week doing favors for people.  Few religions can match that.  -- Ken Laws, laws@ai.sri.com",
"A stated design goal of Motif was to give the X Window System the window management capabilities of HP's circa-1988 window manager and the visual elegance of Microsoft Windows.  We kid you not.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement.  -- Abba Eban",
"A still tongue makes a happy life.  -- The Prisoner",
"A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:  When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here.",
"A store tomato is a tease.  It gives the false impression it is a tomato, getting your hopes up and then breaking your heart because it isn't even remotely what a normal person would call a tomato.  A home potato and a store potato are the difference between great and good.  A home tomato and a store tomato are the difference between good and evil.  -- Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, May 13, 1998",
"A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.  -- O'Henry",
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.  -- Daniel Webster",
"A strong man and a waterfall always channel their own path.",
"A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.  -- Patricia Neal",
"A student of Zen is not supposed to attach to any object or thought or person - which is to say, he must not believe in, or depend on, any absolute - not even this philosophy of nonattachment.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.",
"A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives.  For one thing, we're awake.",
"A study shows that a woman's breast feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics.  It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.",
"A stupid laptop that performs like a pII, has a 15\" active matrix screen, is lighter than 5 pounds, and can play a good GLQuake game over the IR port (so the flight attendants don't trip over the cable) with battery life that doesn't quit out playing it 3/5ths of the way through a stupid flight from OC into San Jose or SF including traffic and spilled drinks.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"A stupid person can do anything but think.  -- Bob Dobbs, Jr.",
"A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.",
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  -- Lana Turner",
"A successful technology creates problems only it can solve.  -- Alan Kay",
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.",
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.",
"A supercomputer is a machine that runs an infinite loop in finite time.",
"A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest percentage of obese people.  What do they expect?  The Louisiana state vegetable is butter.  -- Daily Scoop",
"A sweater makes anyone look like a babe.  -- Richard Goodman",
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first one you thought of.",
"A task becomes a duty from the moment you suspect it to be an essential part of that integrity which alone entitles a man to assume responsibility.  -- Dag Hammarskjold",
"A task without a vision is drudgery; a vision without a task is a dream; a dream with a vision is victory.",
"A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and a car on the TV game show Wheel of Fortune.  The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct buying a vowel as a legitimate business expense.",
"A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers.",
"A tea kettle sings though in hot water up to its nose.",
"A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.  -- Michael Winner",
"A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.  -- H.W. Dodds",
"A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability and beauty of the biotic community.  It is wrong when it tends otherwise.  -- Aldo Leopold, Sand County Almanac",
"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\"",
"A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterwards.  -- Jean Paul Richter",
"A tire is a Goodyear, but 365 condoms is a great year!",
"A tizzy is the thing you go through before you have a hissy fit.",
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"A tough guy bangs it on the side of the urinal to dry it off.",
"A trauma is when it happens to me.  No bid deal is when it happens to you.  -- Matt Groening",
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.",
"A trombone spends all of its time going in and out, whereas a violin just rubs itself all day.",
"A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway.  The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were \"stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded.\"",
"A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and the one that we take the least care of all to acquire.  -- Franois de La Rochefoucauld",
"A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes.  And doesn't.",
"A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.",
"A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.  -- William Blake",
"A twelve-gauge, double-barrelled, grenade-launcher of LOVE!  -- Leap of Faith",
"A uniform so smart it's got a PhD from Cambridge.  -- Blackadder IV",
"A universal human stupidity is the belief that our neighbor's success is the cause of our failure.  -- Charles V. Roman",
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.",
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.  -- John Ciardi",
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.  -- Tennessee Williams",
"A vacuum with nipples.  -- Otto Preminger on Marilyn Monroe",
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"A very interesting person to cuss and discuss with.  -- Kendall Bullen",
"A very special episode of ER was on last week.  The emergency room doctors operated for seven hours trying to remove Mark Fuhrman's head from his ass.",
"A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.",
"A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.  -- William Arthur Ward",
"A warning to the wives of baseball players.  No matter HOW ANGRY your husband makes you, never slap the face of a man chewing tobacco!",
"A waste is a terrible thing to mind.  -- Custodians of Love Canal",
"A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.",
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet.  It cuts off your circulation.  -- MAD Magazine",
"A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.",
"A white lie is aversion of the truth.",
"A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.",
"A wise man hears one word and understands two.  -- Jewish proverb",
"A wise man knows everything; a shrewd man knows everyone.",
"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.",
"A witty saying proves nothing.  -- Voltaire",
"A woman can become a man's friend only in the following stages: first an acquaintance, next a mistress, and only then a friend.  -- Anton Chekhov, Uncle Vanya",
"A woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.",
"A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be considered half as good.  Fortunately it's not hard.",
"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator.  Six feet tall, three hundred pounds, they make ice.  -- Homer Simpson",
"A woman is like a teabag.  You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.  -- Nancy Reagan",
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.  -- Rudyard Kipling, The Betrothed",
"A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.  \"Just lost a shoe?\" she asked.  He answered, \"Nope, just found one.\"",
"A woman must be pretty to please the men.  But as for a man, all he needs is five sound limbs....",
"A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.",
"A woman never forgets.",
"A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  A man of 35 thinks of dating children.",
"A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.  -- Gloria Steinem",
"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A woman was arrested for driving under the influence... of prozac.",
"A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was contemplating their ingredients.  I said to her, These things could kill you.  She said, Well, they're just for the kids.",
"A woman who demands equality is selling herself short.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A woman will do anything for a man she once loved except love him again.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"A woman with ESP and PMS is a know-it-all bitch.",
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.  -- Sanskrit proverb",
"A woman's place is in the house.  And the senate.",
"A woman's place is in the wrong.  -- James Thurber",
"A woman's whole life is a history of the affections.  -- Washington Irving",
"A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.  -- Jane Austin, Northanger Abbey",
"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.  -- F. Schubert",
"A word about pornography.  You'll need it.  Lots of it.  -- John Hughes, National Lampoon, 1979",
"A word about the suicide machine.  Don't buy.  RENT.  -- David Letterman",
"A word to the wise: a woman is topologically equivalent to a bagel, or a beer mug.",
"A writer is like a bag lady going through life with a sack and a pointed stick collecting stuff.  -- Tony Hillerman",
"A writer must not shift your point of view.",
"A yawn is a silent shout.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.",
"A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights.  He betrayed and murdered your father.  Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.  -- Star Wars",
"A young Roman named Marcus Valenti had troubles and anguish aplenty.  He's been beaten and plundered, by Huns by the C, before he had even turned XX.",
"A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.",
"A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.: Abbreviations Concatenated Rowwise, Obscuring (Naturally) Your Meaning.",
"ACRONYM - A Capitalized Representation Of Names You Memorize.",
"ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything.",
"AMC?  Bogus corn.  Totally stale, and like the ushers are the acne patrol.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"ANYTHING will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite.  -- Robert Heinlein",
"AOL is better than Prodigy; syphilis is better than AIDS.",
"AOL?  Isn't that \"Association of Online Losers\"?  -- Robert Harley",
"APL is a write-only language.  -- Roy Keir",
"APL programmers are functional.",
"APL programmers do it backwards.",
"ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma.",
"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.",
"ASPCA outraged that Lunar Rover abandoned on airless moon.  -- Top 5",
"AT MOST 3% of what either of us do is worth knowing.  -- Rohit Khare",
"AT&T Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.",
"AT&T says 122.5 million calls were placed on Mother's Day - 100 million to moms, 22 million to grandmothers, and half a million to something called 1-900-HOT-MAMA.",
"Aaahhhh...  nothing like a fine breakfast of snapple, cheetos, and rolaids...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Aaaugh!  Don't DO that!  -- MST3K",
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter messages here.",
"Abandon all hope, ye who have entered cyberspace.",
"Abandon all hope, ye who press ENTER here.",
"Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.",
"About 108% of all videos suck, no matter how loud you turn up the TV.  -- Butt-head",
"About 400 women turned me down for dates this year.  I can only conclude one thing... not enough quality women.  -- Scott Adams",
"About as funny as flatulence in a spacesuit.",
"About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.  -- Ernest Hemingway",
"Absence makes the heart go wander.",
"Absent, adj.:  Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.",
"Absentee, n.:  A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Absolute zero is cool.",
"Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.",
"Abstainer, n.:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Abstinence prevents sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy - every time it's tried.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Absurdity, n.:  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.  -- Wallace Sayre",
"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.  -- William James",
"Access denied.  Nah nah na nah nah!",
"Access to power must be confined to those who are not in love with it.  -- Plato",
"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.",
"According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, I COULDN'T go that fast!  -- Top 5",
"According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.  -- Top 5",
"According to Starfleet medical research, Borg implants cause severe skin irritations.  Perhaps you'd like an... analgesic cream?  -- Star Trek: First Contact",
"According to Who's Who, his interests include flogging servants, shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who hasn't got a knife in them.  -- Blackadder III",
"According to a recent study, sex has now replaced cigarettes as the leading cause of studies.",
"According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.",
"According to obituary notices, mean and hateful people never die.",
"According to our calendar o' fun, this Friday is not just May 5th; it's also Cinqo de Mayo!",
"According to the latest poll, 61% of Americans think OJ did it.  The other 39% don't think.",
"According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.",
"According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.",
"Accordion, n.:  A bagpipe with pleats.",
"Accountants do it with balance.",
"Accountants do it with double entry.",
"Accuracy, n.:  The vice of being right.",
"Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.",
"Acid takes the worry out of being.",
"Acquaintance, n.:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Acrophobes get down.",
"Act (so) that you... treat humanity... never simply as a means, but always at the same time as an end.  -- Kant",
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.",
"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living.  After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.  -- Katharine Hepburn",
"Action: the last resource of those who know not how to dream.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"Actions lie louder than words.  -- Carolyn Wells",
"Actors do it on stage.",
"Actors play around.",
"Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.",
"Actual size *doesn't* matter.  It's how big you can convince her it is that matters.  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually Digital threatened to sue Microsoft over having copied large chunks of VMS for WNT, unless they keep an Alpha version of WNT alive... that was before they got the pictures of Bilbo Gates doing heroinn acid with a call-girl from Proxima Centauri.  -- Robert Harley",
"Actually Nostril Weasels has a certain mystique to it as well...  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually it was in gym class.  I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me.  I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head.  We've been close ever since.  -- Seinfeld",
"Actually, I prefer to carry the Trusty +17 Vorpal Dancing Butterknife of Vampiric Life-stealing that shoots 9d6 Fireballs.  -- Eric Rossing",
"Actually, bottom line: you tell the truth sometimes.  Like you're pulling taffy.  -- Lisa Loeb",
"Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your breath while you sleep.  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually, given your arrival time I'll have just gotten up. (After having gone back to sleep after church, Richard.)  -- John Dobbin",
"Acute Alcoholic, n.:  An attractive drunk.",
"Ada is the 400 pound gorilla of programming languages.",
"Ada programmers do it by committee.",
"Ada programmers do it in packages.",
"Adam (and me too I think) is tall but understated.  He doesn't dominate a crowd so you really don't think of him as being as tall as he is.  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Feminist radar fork.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  First naked air form.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  I staff mirror, naked.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Infrared skirt foam.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Modern skirt affair.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Offer radiant smirk.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Skim torrid fanfare.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Rifkin squandered his life on entertaining himself through movies, books, music, and alcohol.  Squandered?  That sounds like a pretty darn good way to live to me...  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam \"obsessive compulsive email disorder\" Rifkin - Adam and Rohit are my two info junkie friends.  Rohit is to Adam as /dev/null is to /dev/zero.  Rohit sucks.  Adam blows.  -- Gordon Irlam",
"Adam and John: I'm ready to be flooded again.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the Serpent, and the poor Serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.",
"Adam doesn't care.  He sent me a credit card receipt complete with credit card number, expiration date and signature.  No more suggesting Adam buy something, now I can do it for him!  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam is God's apology for the Archie Bunkers of this world. A doctoral student at CalTech, comic book star, gen-x activist, future screenwriter, finder of lost CD's, cat-owner, HTML deity, holder of world record for longest relationship before marriage, my LA landlord and personal hero.  Pack a lunch if you intend to view his entire site.  Hell, pack a restaurant.  -- Duck",
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.  -- Mark Twain",
"Adam's First Rule of Speaking:  Nice guys finish fast.",
"Adam's help didn't move the column along one iota further.  But I did get to excoriate him all night long over the bad press I was taking on FoRK as a weight-obsessed sexist maniac.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Adam, honey, unbridled.  It's a horse, not a wife, you're restraining.  -- Michael Patrick",
"Adam, quick: MONGOOSE!  \"Uh, Multithreaded Open Networked Global Object-Oriented Serialization Engine?\"  -- Joe Kiniry",
"Adam, the one thing you're really lacking in your purely academic life is to see up close and personal just how badly most large software projects are run.  -- Ron Resnick",
"Adam, we're going to have to discuss this notion of yours that movies made in the 1940s are ripoffs of movies made in the 1990s.  That's like saying God stole the name Adam from you.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Adam, you don't keep *A* Green Day web page.  You keep *THE* Green Day web page.  -- a 14-year-old who wishes to remain anonymous",
"Adam: \"I can't take this anymore!  I'm too happy!  I need to be depressed!\"   Mack: \"Come with me, Adam; it's heroine time...\"",
"Adam:\"Sex is not so much a matter of fact as it is of friction.\"  Rob:\"Not if it's done right.\"",
"Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.  [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]  -- Ovid",
"Addiction is a drag.  -- Dennis Hopper",
"Addition is commutative; that way your additives become preservatives.  -- the ARs",
"Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot.  Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.  -- David Geary",
"Admiration, n.:  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.",
"Adobe left an artifact from the beta version of the program in the final shipping version: it causes Photoshop to expire if the system clock is set for a year other than 1994.",
"Adobe turned it's back on the Mac market (Adobe was so arrogant about this that they would go to Mac shows and demo their software on PC's), released a shitty upgrade for Illustrator, and kissed Microsoft's ass.  This is what they got for their efforts.  -- Tim Byars",
"Adolescence, n.:  The stage of life between puberty and adultery.",
"Adolescents are children old enough to dress by themselves, if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes.",
"Adopt Macaulay Culkin and rob the little monkey blind.  -- David Letterman",
"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you...  -- Gilda Radner",
"Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages, such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.",
"Adorable wind-up monkey with a powerful taste for human flesh.  -- David Letterman",
"Adult, n.:  One old enough to know better.",
"Adultery is pretty much laughed off today.  -- John Dobbin",
"Adultery, n.:  When a husband is too good to be true.",
"Adults choosing between good and evil is like kids choosing between celery and cookies.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Adumbration, n.:  A sketchy representation or outline.",
"Adverbs are fading from the English language slow, but sure.",
"Advertising gives us a new option, whereas before all we had were boredom and mania.  -- Crazy People",
"Advertising is legalized lying.  -- H.G. Wells",
"Advertising majors do it with style.",
"Advertising the fact that Matthew Perry is single and looking is like sending a man walking with a hundred pounds of hamburger strapped to his back through a famine infested country.  -- People",
"Advertising, n.:  The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.  -- Stephen Leacock",
"Aerospace Engineers do it with lift and thrust.",
"Afflictions are good, as every filmmaker knows, because they generate emotion and win Oscars.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Affluence trivializes, excessive affluence trivializes to the absurd.  -- Dren Geer",
"African sun was pure and good.  Never needed a hat, just brotherhood.  -- NWH",
"After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.  -- Freeman Dyson",
"After I threw the bowl of jello at her, she had me arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.",
"After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets awful lonely.  -- David Letterman",
"After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.",
"After all is said and done, much is said and little is done.  -- Olmstead",
"After all is said and done, the human struggle always filters down to substance abuse.  -- Baked Potatoes",
"After all, the purpose of the exercises is to make sure we all have the same definitions... mine.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  -- P. J. O'Rourke",
"After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.",
"After careful analysis I have developed a sophisticated theory to explain the existence of this bizarre workplace behavior: People are idiots.  -- Scott Adams",
"After columnist William Safire called Hillary Clinton a congenital liar, the President conceded that he'd like to punch Safire in the nose.  Can't anybody write about the Clintons without mentioning genitals?",
"After considerable thought, I have concluded that a Ponderance is merely a Rumination dressed up in fancy clothes.  -- Ed Smith",
"After dark all cats are leopards.  -- Native American Proverb",
"After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?",
"After eight years as president I have only two regrets: that I have not shot Henry Clay or hanged John C. Calhoun.  -- Andrew Jackson",
"After five years of playing football, they gave me a college degree.  -- Forrest Gump",
"After heavy lobbying by comedians, House Republicans have voted to keep Newt Gingrich as Speaker.",
"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.  -- Hemant Joshi",
"After my last game... I'll walk off the court and take off one piece of clothing with every step.  Then I'll be at about midcourt, and I'll walk the rest of the way into the locker room nude.  -- Dennis Rodman",
"After reviewing papers for IPPS, I see the appeal of your papers on Infospheres.  At least they have a strong vision.  Now I want to see the next step.  -- John Thornley",
"After surgery, they put me in the expensive care unit.",
"After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself, \"Maybe I'm not meant to be an I.Q.\"  -- Anna Chin-Williams",
"After the beep, leave a brief justification for man's ontological evolution in an existential universe.  -- Reality Bites",
"After the first death, there is no other.  -- Dylan Thomas",
"After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.",
"After working out, I feel like a 20-year old.  Unfortunately there's never one around.",
"After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?",
"Afterism, n.:  A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late (ant. aphorism)",
"Afternoon, n.:  That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.",
"Again with the finger!  -- MST3K",
"Against the assault of humor, nothing can stand.  -- Mark Twain",
"Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.  -- Dorothy Parker",
"Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperament and health.  Some men are born old, and some never grow old.  -- Tryon Edwards",
"Age is mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  -- Dan Ingman",
"Age shouldn't matter unless you are a cheese.",
"Age, n.:  That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit.",
"Agnes' Law:  Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.",
"Agony: Not all pain is gain.  -- www.despair.com",
"Ah ha!  Finally that failure to follow instructions comes back to bite you in the butt.  -- John Dobbin",
"Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.",
"Ah yes, ketchup.  God's other food.  Oddly, it's not wonderful on cranberry sauce.  -- John Dobbin",
"Ah, a meal fit for a king.  Here, King!",
"Ah, argument by profanity.  Very persuasive.  -- Joe Barrera",
"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.  -- Bob Dylan",
"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?  -- Robert Browning",
"Ah, the lesser known, 'I *don't* have a dream' speech.  -- Friends",
"Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, running ... but enough about fall sales at the mall.  -- J. Wagner",
"Ah, yes! I wrote the Purple Cow; I'm sorry now I wrote it!  But I can tell you anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it!  -- Gelett Burgess, The Burgess Nonsense Book (1914)",
"Ah, your flesh-mother used to bring me pudding.  -- Homer Simpson",
"Ahem!  I don't remember us talking on a tape.  Was this done without my knowledge?  That's illegal you know.  -- John Dobbin",
"Aibohphobia, n.:  Fear of palindromes.",
"Aim for the cat, dude!  Aim for a cat!  -- Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey",
"Aim to be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful.  -- Warren Buffett",
"Ain't I a stinker?  -- Bugs Bunny",
"Ain't no angel gonna greet me.  It's just you and I, my friend.  I can feel myself fading away.  -- Bruce Springsteen",
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.  -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower",
"Air Elementals blow a lot.",
"Air is water with holes in it.",
"Air travel is hours of boredom punctuated by a few brief moments of terror.  -- Charles Lindberg",
"Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.",
"Al Cowlings says he established his 1-900 OJ hotline because he wants to get the truth out.  Truth is, AC is greedy!  Anybody who would call that number must be stupid, and besides... it's always busy.",
"Alan Greenspan is the Jon Postel of the world money market.  -- George Mitchell (george@mvp.com)",
"Alan Lee Stark will spend 25 years to life in prison for stealing four cartons on cigarettes.  He was sentenced under California's new \"three Lucky Strikes and you're out\" law.",
"Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards.",
"Albert Einstein got the \"i before e\" rule wrong twice.",
"Albert's falling on the sun; cracks his head wide-open.  -- Counting Crows",
"Albert's vision is looming out of control.  All his wings are slowly sinking.  -- Counting Crows",
"Alcohol is a slow poison.  But who's in a hurry?  -- Robert Harley",
"Alcoholic, n.:  A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.",
"Alden's Law:  Always be backlit.",
"Alden's Law:  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.",
"Alden's Law:  Sit down whenever possible.",
"Alex Descends into Hell for a Bottle of Milk.  -- U2 B-side title",
"Alex Haley was adopted!",
"Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.",
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.",
"Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.",
"Algorithm may sound like liquored-up Vice President bustin' a move, but it's not.  -- Top 5",
"Alia jacta est. The die is cast.  -- Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon",
"Alice soon came to the conclusion that this was a very difficult game indeed.  -- Lewis Carroll",
"Alienation can be fun.",
"Alimony is paying for something you don't get.",
"Alimony, n.:  Disinterest, compounded annually.  -- Walter McDonald, Dictionary of Quotable Definitions",
"Alimony, n.:  The bounty after the mutiny.  -- Max Kauffmann, Penguin Dictionary of Humorous Quotations",
"Alimony, n.:  The high cost of leaving.",
"All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.",
"All I am saying is, let's try to stretch that fashion dollar.  -- Michael Keaton, Dream Team",
"All I ask for is a tall ship, and a Star to steer her by.",
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.",
"All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.",
"All I can say is, no good deed goes unpunished.  -- Grimm X. Pecktations, in excerpts from a TV debate on high-performance computing in 1994 and the outlook for 1995",
"All I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, and yet again... wonderful.  -- LA Story",
"All I have to say about religion is that if it doesn't make it easier to find disease-free virgins, then it isn't worth the two-hundred brain cells required to practice it.",
"All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave... I would change the polarity of the earth so you're plane wouldn't take off.  -- LA Story",
"All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping dram, lots of paper, a prostitute, and the best portrait painter in England.  -- Blackadder II",
"All I really wanted was for Mac to put the damn dog out, I swear.  -- Lady Macbeth",
"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die...  All I wanna do is have some fun.  I've got the feeling I'm not the only one.  -- Sheryl Crow",
"All I want is a little more than I'll ever get!",
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.  -- Ashleigh Brilliant",
"All I want is food and creative love.  -- Rusted Root",
"All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"All I want, to be able to do what I want to do, whenever I want to do it, with whomever I want to do it with and be able to afford it!     I can!...      While money isn't an end itself, it gives one the freedom from most other things.  -- Dave Naas",
"All I'm after is a good time.  All the rest is propaganda.  -- Alec Guinness",
"All Objects are Macroscopic, Invisible, Non-Physical, or otherwise Non-Heisenbergish.",
"All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp.  -- B.B. Franklin",
"All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.  It's an aphrodisiac.  -- Saul Bellow",
"All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.  -- George Orwell",
"All animals love him, for among the beasts he is the most affectionate... his mere presence quickens in the dim awareness of their own highest nature and divine creation.",
"All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.  -- Samuel Butler",
"All are but part of one stupendous whole, whose body nature is, and God the soul...  -- Alexander Pope",
"All around the world... It's the same song.  -- Digital Underground",
"All bleeding eventually stops.  -- Hayden Meeker",
"All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others.  -- Alan Truscott",
"All carry on luggage had to fit in the ass of the person sitting in front of me.  Well, I lost my luggage, but I gained a friend and confidant for life.  -- Dennis Miller",
"All change is not necessarily progress.",
"All children break things.  All children are forgiven.  It's a gift from God.  -- Flirting with Disaster",
"All computers wait at the same speed.",
"All discord, harmony not understood; all partial evil, universal good.  -- Alexander Pope",
"All dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare, most end with the dreamer.",
"All extremists should be taken out and shot.",
"All fashionable vices pass for virtues.  -- Moliere",
"All flames will be absorbed like photons falling in a black hole.",
"All flesh is grass.  -- Isiah...   Smoke a friend today.",
"All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin.  And therefore as a free man, I take pride in the words, Ich bin ein Berlinner.  -- John F. Kennedy",
"All games are built on prophecy.  -- Marian Helsby",
"All generalizations are false.",
"All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened.  -- Ernest Hemingway",
"All great truths begin as blasphemies.  -- G.B. Shaw",
"All grown up and no place to go.  Psych 1, Psych 2 - what do you know?  -- Billy Joel",
"All history is but a romance, unless it is studied as an example.  -- George Croly, 1780-1860",
"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.  -- Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 1948, Article 1",
"All human error is impatience, a premature renunciation of method, a delusive pinning down of a delusion.  -- Franz Kafka",
"All in all you're just another brick in the wall.  -- Pink Floyd",
"All intellectual improvement arises from leisure.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"All landscapes are imaginary.",
"All life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and those born of inward dreamings, and no cause to value the one above the other.  -- HP Lovecraft, The Silver Key",
"All life's answers are on TV.  -- Bart Simpson",
"All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye.  -- Alexander Pope, 1688-1744",
"All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men are equally insane, those of us outside of the asylums just hide it a little better.  -- Stephen King",
"All men are idiots, and I married their King.",
"All men are inherently good.  Women I'm not sure about.  -- John Dobbin",
"All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore all men are Socrates.  -- Woody Allen",
"All men hate to hear \"We need to talk about our relationship.\"  These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men live in abject fear of beautiful women.  All women are beautiful.  Therefore, all men are cowards.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.  Contact me for a list of names.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.  -- Sir Walter Scott",
"All men would still really like to own a train set.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All murderers have a human form.  You have a human form.  Therefore, you are a murderer.",
"All music is folk music.  I ain't heard no horse sing a song.  -- Louis Armstrong",
"All my exes live in Texas.  -- George Strait",
"All my finances were on the computer screen, but it got all screwed up when the dog peed on the socket and blew the fuse.  -- Men's Health, excuse for missing a bill payment",
"All my life I wanted to be someone.  I guess I should have been more specific.  -- Jane Wagner",
"All my life I've worked for other people who made bad decisions.  It was time for me to make some of the bad decisions.  -- Robert X. Cringely",
"All my life, I've been wanting to talk, really talk, but no one wants to listen.  You know what that's like?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"All my stars play their guitars loud Loud LOUD!  -- Replacements",
"All nature is but art, unknown to thee; all chance, direction , which thou canst not see.  -- Alexander Pope",
"All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.",
"All of Microsoft's products are programmed with good intentions, that's why nine out of ten computer users say they would choose to buy our products even if they had a choice.  -- Stale",
"All of life's riddles are answered in the movies.  -- Grand Canyon",
"All of reality is just a blur of Republicans and meat.  -- Zippy the Pinhead",
"All of the world's current population fits in the state of Texas.  Yup, all 6 billion people.  And each gets about 500 square feet (50 square meters approximately) as his/her own chunk.  -- Alex Wieder (tcs@tao.agoron.com)",
"All of this has led me to two conclusions.  1. When I'm thirsty, I gotta trust my gut, and 2. I watch too much TV.  -- Sprite",
"All of us get lost in the darkness; dreamers learn to steer by the stars...  -- Rush",
"All of us learn to write in the second grade.  Most of us go on to greater things.  -- Bobby Knight",
"All other things being equal, fat people use more soap.",
"All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike... and yet it is the most precious thing we have.  -- Albert Einstein",
"All over the world!  Ooo!  -- MST3K",
"All pain disappears.  It's the nature of my circuitry.  Drowns out all I hear.  No Escape from this.  My new conciousness.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"All phone calls are obscene.  -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon",
"All power corrupts, but we NEED electricity.  -- D.W. Jones",
"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.",
"All religions are hypocritical.  If you think yours isn't, look again.",
"All rumors are true.  Especially if your boss denies them.  -- Dilbert",
"All science is either physics or stamp collecting.  -- E. Rutherford",
"All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.  Keep supplies of them handy at all times.",
"All serious daring starts from within.  -- Eudora Welty",
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.  -- Saint Patrick",
"All standard disclaimers apply: ie, keep your lousy tort feasors to yourself.",
"All stressed out, and no one to choke...",
"All sunshine makes a desert.  -- Arabian proverb",
"All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.",
"All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent.  -- David Brower",
"All television is children's television.  -- Richard P. Adler",
"All that I need to be, I am.",
"All that glitters has a high refractive index.",
"All that glitters isn't gold.  All that doesn't glitter isn't either.",
"All that is gold does not glitter.",
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought;  it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts.  If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.  -- Buddha",
"All that's sacred comes from youth.  -- Pearl Jam",
"All the best people have chest problems and bone diseases.  It's all so terribly romantic!",
"All the clocks in Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20.  -- Baked Potatoes",
"All the easy problems have been solved.",
"All the good ones are taken.  The act of being taken makes them good.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?  All the lonely people, where do they all belong?  -- the Beatles",
"All the loose nuts in America end up in Los Angeles because of the continental tilt.  -- Frank Lloyd Wright",
"All the money, background, prestige... none of it compares with hard work and clean living.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.  -- Dave Barry",
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.",
"All the perfume of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.  -- William Shakespeare, Macbeth V i",
"All the promises we made from the cradle to the grave, when all I want is you.  -- U2",
"All the tactics, you must learn as an adolescent, you must retain: the carefull planning over what to wear, who your friends are, where to \"hang out\", who to date, the general social subterfuge... these things translate into future career environments as well.  -- Tara Morrison",
"All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.  -- Jim Fiebig",
"All the things I really like to do are immoral, illegal, or fattening.  -- Alexander Woollcott",
"All the words of love surround her.  -- Billy Joel",
"All the world is wild at heart and weird on top.  -- David Lynch",
"All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.",
"All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players, performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience outside the gilded cage.  -- Rush",
"All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.  -- Richard P. Feynman",
"All these years of thinking, ended up like this, in front of all this beauty, understanding nothing.  -- Bruce Cockburn",
"All things are green unless they are not.",
"All things are only transitory.  -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe",
"All things are to be examined and called into question.  There are no limits set to thought.  -- Edith Hamilton, The Greek Way",
"All this freaking bicycling is making my perineum sore.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"All this from a species which still gets excited about digital watches.  -- Douglas Adams",
"All this from the man that brought you... beer milk shakes!",
"All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.",
"All those curves, and me with no brakes.",
"All those vodka tonics make it *mighty* damn difficult to focus on the speedometer.  -- Top 5",
"All those who are not racially pure are mere chaff.  -- Adolf Hitler",
"All together now: \"I love GNU finger\" . . .  -- Rajit Manohar",
"All true beauty is analytic.  -- Edgar Allen Poe",
"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.  -- Goethe",
"All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.",
"All we are saying, is give pizza chants.",
"All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys.  -- Grandma Woody, Northern Exposure",
"All we wish is to be left alone.  -- Jefferson Davis",
"All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.  -- Aristotle",
"All wish to possess knowledge, but few, comparatively, are willing to pay the price.  -- Juvenal (Roman satirical poet)",
"All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?",
"All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  -- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest",
"All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"All work and no play, will make you a manager.",
"All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do at that time.  -- Arnold Bennett",
"All you do is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.  -- Reality Bites",
"All you do is sponge.  -- Reality Bites",
"All you have to do is make a pile of money, and everyone will think you're a genius.  -- Mitch Kapor",
"All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.",
"All's fear in love and war.",
"Alliance, n.:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.",
"Allow me to sound like Adam for a minute while I apologize for being so quiet lately.  -- John Dobbin",
"Almost everything you need to know about any subject is in the encyclopedia.",
"Alone, adj.:  In bad company.  -- Ambrose Pierce",
"Alright, you got yourself a bet, Mr. Rose!!  -- Top 5",
"Also, I'm pretty sure the guy who was accepting foreign language film did not accidentally call his country \"Bell Jam.\"  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  -- William Safire",
"Also, do you think the person searching for \"Aural\" really means that, or will they be disappointed to get stereo information?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Also, the isa/hasa design flaw shows up in the design of Knapsack.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Although botanically speaking a fruit, in 1893 the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that tomatoes are a vegetable (and thus taxable under the Tariff Act of 1883) because of the way they are usually served.  -- Smithsonian, 8/90",
"Although it's nice to be important, it's important to be nice.  -- Bud Light",
"Although this sentence begins with the word because, it is false.  -- Douglas R Hofstadter",
"Always avoid and eschew pleonastic redundancy.",
"Always avoid meetings with time-wasting morons.  -- Scott Adams",
"Always be ready to give an answer for the faith that is within you.  -- The Book",
"Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.  -- Irene Peter",
"Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He doesn't expect to be paid back.",
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be violent psychopath who knows where you live.  -- John F. Woods ",
"Always do right.  This will gratify some and astonish the rest.  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)",
"Always do what you are afraid to do.",
"Always do what you say you are going to do.  It is the glue and fiber that binds successful relationships.  -- Jeffry A. Timmons, The Entrepreneurial Mind",
"Always draw your curves, then plot the data.",
"Always forgive your enemies.  Nothing annoys them so much.",
"Always glad to share my ignorance.  I've got plenty.",
"Always leave clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.",
"Always pick on the correct idiom.",
"Always presume ignorance before malice.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Always put the important before the merely urgent.",
"Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.",
"Always remember there are certain people who will set their watches by your clock.",
"Always remember, Dogbert is just a small white naked version of Rohit.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that will make your product obselete.  -- Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D",
"Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.",
"Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.",
"Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't.",
"Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer.  -- David Letterman",
"Always try to do things in chronological order; they're less confusing to do that way.",
"Always use tasteful words.  You may have to eat them.",
"Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.",
"Am I a CLOWN?!  Do I AMUSE YOU?!  -- GoodFellas",
"Am I alive, or thoughts I drift away?  Does summer come for everyone?  Can humans do what prophets say?  And if I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake, but half asleep?  -- Primitive Radio Gods",
"Am I alone in the Universe?  Judging by the screaming coming from next door, I'd have to say no.  -- Chris Gahan",
"Am I going to have to come by and personally dust sodium on your toilet paper?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Am I going to have to come by and personally slip leeches in your snapple bottles?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Am I in trouble or something?  Because if I am, I didn't do it.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"Am I right?  Am I wrong?  My God, what have I done?  -- Talking Heads",
"Ambiguous headline:  2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER",
"Ambiguous headline:  ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE",
"Ambiguous headline:  BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD",
"Ambiguous headline:  CLOCK THIEF FACES TIME",
"Ambiguous headline:  COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY",
"Ambiguous headline:  DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING",
"Ambiguous headline:  DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984",
"Ambiguous headline:  DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE",
"Ambiguous headline:  ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX",
"Ambiguous headline:  EYE DROPS OFF SHELF",
"Ambiguous headline:  FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE",
"Ambiguous headline:  GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE",
"Ambiguous headline:  GREEKS FINE HOOKERS",
"Ambiguous headline:  HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS",
"Ambiguous headline:  HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE",
"Ambiguous headline:  INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES",
"Ambiguous headline:  IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS",
"Ambiguous headline:  IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?",
"Ambiguous headline:  JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT",
"Ambiguous headline:  KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACK",
"Ambiguous headline:  KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS",
"Ambiguous headline:  LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES",
"Ambiguous headline:  LIE DETECTOR TEST UNRELIABLE, UNCONSTITUTIONAL HEARING TOLD",
"Ambiguous headline:  LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT CUT IN HALF",
"Ambiguous headline:  MAN MINUS EAR WAVES HEARING",
"Ambiguous headline:  MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE",
"Ambiguous headline:  MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER",
"Ambiguous headline:  MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEW STUDY FOR OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABBIES",
"Ambiguous headline:  NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH",
"Ambiguous headline:  PANDA MATING FAILS - VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER",
"Ambiguous headline:  PLO INVITED TO RAID DEBATES",
"Ambiguous headline:  POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS",
"Ambiguous headline:  PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF",
"Ambiguous headline:  PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE",
"Ambiguous headline:  SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED",
"Ambiguous headline:  SEE THE MAN EATING SHARK!",
"Ambiguous headline:  SEX EDUCATION DELAYED; TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING",
"Ambiguous headline:  SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM",
"Ambiguous headline:  STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE",
"Ambiguous headline:  SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS",
"Ambiguous headline:  TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, JURY HUNG",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES",
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.  -- Charlie McCarthy",
"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.",
"America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allowadvertising in its chat rooms.  I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds.  Hey, what's this?  A Pepsi ad?  They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!  -- Jay Leno",
"America has the attention span of a ferret on double espresso.  -- Dennis Miller",
"America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.  -- Arnold Toynbee",
"America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.",
"America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.  -- John O'Hara",
"America will never be invaded.  Our juvenile delinquents are too well armed.",
"America's Madonna/whore complex about the computer and the television.  Televisions are creates that exist solely for fun, bought and sold on the basis of their looks and their ability to entertain.  If they're smart, fine, but their first duty is to amuse us.  Computers, OTOH, are [for the most part] serious machines for serious purposes, and we are loath to view them as playthings.  -- J.C. Herz",
"America's a melting pot.  The people at the bottom get burned and the scum rise to the top...",
"American culture disneyland freakshow screen in your living room, a window for your tomb.  If you can't compare to the world sitting there, repress your insecurities: watch and escape.  Give me artificial, give me superficial, give me a commercial life that can't be bought.  -- Operation Ivy",
"Americans can be quite tyrannical in the defense of democracy.  -- John Irving, _A Prayer for Owen Meany_",
"Americans take much more kindly to a president with blood on his hands than we do to one with other bodily fluids on a dress.",
"Amicus puriae.  Platonic friend.",
"Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.  -- Syrus",
"Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out.  Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring.  Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is... and still not caring.  -- Tom Robbins",
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.",
"Amo, amas, I love a lass, as a cedar tall and slender; sweet cowslip's grace is her nominative case, and she's of the feminine gender!  -- John O'Keefe (1747-1833) in Agreeable Surprise, act II, sc 2.",
"Among animals, it's eat or be eaten.  Among people, it's define or be defined.",
"Among the outlaw spellings that canyon residents have awakened to see were HOLLYWEED, PEROTWOOD, CALTECH and GO NAVY.  -- LA Times",
"Amsterdam is Out.  Iceland is In.",
"Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.",
"An 11 is a 10 who doesn't get headaches.",
"An Age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.  -- Michener, Space",
"An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.",
"An Americanized Asian is disoriented.",
"An Australian lover is like a wombat.  He eats roots, shoots, and leaves.",
"An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.  -- A. P. Herbert",
"An IRS audit is like an autopsy without the benefit of dying.",
"An O.S. that prints PANIC and dies isn't so great.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"An OS originally designed for a microprocessor that modern kitchen appliances would sneer at...  -- Dave Trowbridge, _Computer Technology Review_, Aug 90, on MS-DOS",
"An Oregon man protested his state's lack of dental insurance by pulling his own broken tooth in public. Thank goodness he didn't have hemorrhoids.",
"An adolescent is a youth old enough to dress himself... if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes.",
"An adult is a deteriorated child.",
"An advertisement in the NY Times:  Stop Illiteracy Now.  Learn How To Read.",
"An aide once asked Mohandas K. Gandhi how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.",
"An airplane is the only place where you can't walk out on a dull movie.",
"An amphibian is a land animal who is almost impossible to drown.",
"An angry Dogbert denied that his ego was so big he started a tabloid devoted entirely to himself.  -- Scott Adams",
"An anlogism is a word that isn't a word.  Is anlogism an anlogism?",
"An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.  -- Finley Peter Dunne",
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.  -- Winston Churchill",
"An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.",
"An archeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.",
"An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.",
"An author ought to write for the youth of his own generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of ever afterwards.  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"An authority is someone who can tell you more about something than you care to know.",
"An earthquake hit the Seattle Kingdome during a ballgame last week.  Final score: Cleveland 6, Seattle 3, God 5.3.",
"An echo speaks every language.",
"An economist is one who knows 200 ways to make love but doesn't know any women.  -- Nick Kessler",
"An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's.  -- Will Rogers",
"An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he'd have someone to look up to.  -- Gene Fowler",
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.",
"An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.",
"An eigenvalue is a unique scalar which when it multiplies an eigenvector, produces a resultant vector equivalent to the operator of the eigen-equation applied to the same eigenvector.  But you already knew that.  -- Ron Resnick",
"An election year is when a lot of politicians get free speech mixed up with cheap talk.",
"An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications.",
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.",
"An emergency situation is just an emergency.  EVERYTHING is a situation.",
"An empty desk is an efficient desk!  -- Brazil",
"An enlightened state is one where the borderlines between the self and the rest of the universe are dissolved.  This would truly be the end of dualism, for as he says, there is no system left which has any desire for perception.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"An epileptic in a lettuce patch is a seizure salad.",
"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.  -- Dr. Alex Comfort",
"An erection is a mysterious thing.  There's always that fear, each time one goes, that you won't be seeing it again.  -- Kirk Douglas",
"An eternity with Beelzebub will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.  -- Blackadder III",
"An evil deed is not redeemed by an evil deed of retaliation.  Justice is never advanced in the tacking of a human life.  Morality is never upheld by a legalized murder.  -- Corretta Scott King",
"An excellent name for a band would be: The Bones of Contention.  -- Dave Barry",
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.  -- Neils Bohr",
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.",
"An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them.  -- Werner Heisenberg",
"An extraordinary pilot uses his or her extraordinary judgement to avoid having to use his or her extraordinary skills.",
"An eye for an eye makes the world blind.  -- Gandhi",
"An honest man is someone who hasn't had a good enough offer.  -- Misguided debutante in Pharlap",
"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.",
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.",
"An idealist believes the short run doesn't count.  A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter.  A realist believes that what is