"! Creative commons licensed, 1990-2007, by Adam Rifkin Ink.  All lefts reserved.  No fair taking this line out, as I know many leeches, er, lawyers.  See: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5/",
"! By the way, some of these are disgusting, so read at your own risk.",
"! Send offerings, additions, and changes to ifindkarma .at. gmail .dot. com...",
"#include <SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h>",
"$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt?",
"$${\\odot\\odot\\atop\\smile}$$",
"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.",
"$200K a year to Bill Clinton, leader of the free world.  $3.5 million a year to Jeff George, warmer of the free bench.  -- Top 5",
"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony that's life.  Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to money, then you die...  I can't change, I can't change.  -- the Verve, Bittersweet Symphony",
"'I know' is just 'I Believe' with delusions of grandeur.",
"'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat.  -- Top 5",
"'Technology' is 'things invented after I was born'.  -- Alan Kay",
"'Twas in a restaurant they met, Romeo and Juliet; Julie could not pay the debt, So Rome-oed, what Julie et.",
"'What is optimism?' said Cacambo.  'Alas!' said Candide, 'it is the mania of maintaining that everything is well when we are wretched.'  -- Voltaire, Candide, Chapter 19",
"(*) (*) <--- Tribbles with shields up.",
"(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer?",
"(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened?",
"(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.  -- Steven Wright)",
"(Rick) Steiner's eyes are glazed, even more than normal!  -- Jim Ross",
"(Seeing a CAT'S MUSIC store) Cat Music! That's ridiculous! Who would buy music for their cat?!  -- Thanh Boyer",
"(Who ARE you?)  I'm Batman.  -- Michael Keaton",
"(c) 1995 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.",
"(c) Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.",
"(lesson learned: never use ordinal numbers in fragment-identifiers)  -- Dan Connolly",
"(while driving) You should've horned him.  -- Thanh Boyer",
"**We are not hammer-wielders, we are nail-holders**.  We are going to outline our DistSysState **problems** and then nominate XML as a solution, not promote XML for its own sake.  -- Rohit Khare",
"*I* can't believe they still haven't changed their name to Snackin' Pickle.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"*Respect* the problem.  WHY IS IT A PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?  -- Rohit Khare",
"*Style*.  Beauty.  Grace.  That's what matters.  If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.  -- Terry Pratchett, _Lords and Ladies_",
"*What* do you *see* when you *see* the *stars*?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"*shake shake shake* HELLO?  The Web is not a reference source!  It's a cesspool of dubious information!  -- Catherine Buzzell",
"... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.  -- Mark Twain",
"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.  -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare",
"... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!",
"... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish.  -- Thom McLeod",
"... where the 'stuff of life' is raining out of the skies...  -- Carl Sagan",
"...Hoare-like client/server approach...  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"...I think I shall simply place my thoughts elsewhere while you chatter away.",
"...I will have hideous nightmares involving huge monsters in academic robes carrying long bloody butcher knives labelled Excerpt, Selection, Passage and Abridged.  -- Helene Hanff",
"...a can of Schlitz, a basket of nachos, and thou.  -- Top 5",
"...a generation that had found all gods dead, all wars fought in vain, and all faiths in humanity shaken.   -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar.  -- Mark Twain",
"...and you recognize the reflection in our eyes, because deep down inside we are all one and the same.  We're clutching at straws, still drowning.  Clutching at straws, but still drowning.  -- Marillion, The Last Straw",
"...being as we've reached this violent consensus...  -- Chuck Koelbel",
"...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used to mean everything to me.  I enjoyed it.  Well, who wouldn't?  -- Naked Gun 2 1/2",
"...borrowed from the epidemiological concept of herd immunity...  -- Rohit Khare, under protest",
"...for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.  -- Hamlet II.ii.253-4",
"...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women...  -- law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote",
"...it's predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself.  -- C. Lawson",
"...live, reporting from the California Institution of Technology...",
"...meanwhile, back at the oasis, all the Arabs were eating their dates.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a cigarette got his butt stomped.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a mathematician got his root extracted.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a pool table gets his balls racked.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a teabag is up to his neck in hot water.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto disguised as a toilet is taking it all in.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, disguised as a doorknob comes off in the Lone Ranger's hand.",
"...meanwhile, back at the ranch, grandma was beating off the Indians, while the cavalry was coming.",
"...that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word 'suckers' in it.  -- Smithers, The Simpsons",
"...the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call inhuman.  -- R. A. Lafferty",
"...the substance of our first act will be shadows, and the strife with shadows.  Heavier the interval than the consummation.  All things prepare the event.  Watch.  -- T.S. Eliot, Murder in the Cathedral",
"...the two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.  -- Harlan Ellison",
"...uncontrolled descents into terrain...",
"/me does Snoopy dance all across living room...",
"/me flashes an evil grin and fondles his high power weapons...",
"0-60 in five miles.  0-60 in your dreams.  0-60 in April.",
"1 + 1 = ? ...  Ask my calculator.",
"1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation.",
"1 in 7 Americans would prefer to give up sex than their remote control.",
"1) Conquer the computer industry.  2) Conquer the world.  3) Conquer the universe.  4) Finally get around to making Windows easy to use, administer, and program for (if we feel like it).  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show.  -- Top 5",
"1. Don't be dumb and a butthead.  2. Don't do the bad thing with a horse.  -- Megan Coughlin's House Rules",
"1. Everything depends.  2. Nothing is always.  3. Everything is sometimes.",
"1. Never remove your wig.  2. Never say anything.  3. Don't get drunk and let him shag you.  -- Blackadder IV",
"1. Take care of your feet.  2. Try not to do anything stupid, like get killed.  -- Forrest Gump",
"1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight:  It's not just a good idea, it's the law!",
"1/100th of a second is called a jiffy.",
"10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!",
"10 pt winner to Adam... \"Sure, I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.\"  -- Robbie Polinsky",
"10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.",
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.",
"101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR:  1. Scarecrow for centipedes; 2. Dead cat brush; 3. Hair barrettes; 4. Cleats; 5. Self-piercing earrings; 6. Fungus trellis; 7. False eyelashes; 8. Prosthetic dog claws; ...; 99. Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors; 100. Killer velcro; 101. Currency.",
"11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.",
"11% of Americans that suffer from indigestion would rather retake the SAT than watch a Jesse Helms filibuster.",
"11% of people who have tried Prozac would like to see Dan Quayle make a comeback because Al Gore just isn't funny enough.",
"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.",
"11:15 Restate my assumptions:  1. Mathematics is the language of nature.  2. Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers.  3. If you graph these numbers, patterns emerge.  Therefore: There are patterns everywhere in nature.  -- Pi",
"12% of European homes have a PC, compared with 37% of American homes.  -- WSJ, 1/97",
"1200 bps used to seem so fast...",
"13th Generation: Abort, Retry, Fail, Ignore?  -- Strauss and Howe",
"14% of Americans surveyed agreed that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because \"that extra star would make the flag look bad.\"",
"16% of Perot voters believe \"if dolphins were really smart, they could get out of those nets.\"",
"17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.",
"18 IPS is moseying along. 200 IPS is hauling ass.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"186,282 miles per second:  It's not just a good idea, it's the law.",
"186,282 miles per second:  It's not the law, it's just a challenge.",
"1942 pennies are lucky.  1942 thousand-dollar bills are luckier.",
"1948, n.:  A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell.",
"1984 has past, forget about Big Brother.  Welcome to the 90's where the government's your mother!  -- Scatterbrain",
"1994, the only reality we have.  -- Robin Quivers",
"2 + 2 = 4, for the time being.",
"2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2.",
"2 + 2 now equals 5.15785423. Please recalibrate your equipment accordingly.",
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.  Leave mess.",
"2.7 percent of American men are active homosexuals.  I guess that means the rest just lie there.  -- Bill Maher",
"20,000 miles to an oasis, 20,000 years will I burn.  20,000 chances are wasted, waiting for the moment to turn...  Catch me if I fall.",
"20-Something, Floundering, and Off the Yuppie Track.  -- Steven Gibb",
"200 pounds of cowboy determination takes on 2000 pounds of beef with an attitude.  -- Kevin and Bean",
"21 letter acronym: NAVAIRWARCENTRASYSDIV (Nav Air War Cen Tra Sys Div)",
"23 really *is* the penultimate prime of life.  -- Rohit Khare",
"24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?",
"2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!",
"25% of American men kiss their wives goodbye when leaving the house.  99% of them kiss their houses goodbye when leaving the wife.",
"28% of those who called themselves \"normal\" Americans would like to be King of Great Britain, but not if they had to marry the Queen.",
"29% of Perot voters say \"The candidate I vote for usually loses.\"",
"3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?",
"3 minutes means everything to us... 7 minutes means even more.",
"3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.",
"3 step plan on how to get what you want in life:  1. Cheat.  2. Lie.  3. Steal.",
"3 ways to get something done:  1. Do it yourself.  2. Hire someone.  3. Forbid your kids to do it.",
"3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.",
"34% of those who voted Republican in the last election believe Forrest Gump was a documentary.",
"35% of Americans believe Richard Nixon went to heaven.  59% believe he went \"someplace else.\"",
"355/113...  Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation!",
"39% of Americans believe that guns are not \"as dangerous as they say.\"",
"400 sizzling chapters.  A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century, with some hot gypsies thrown in.  My magnum opus.  -- Blackadder III",
"42% of all major-league home runs were hit with 2 strikes on the batter.  That's the good news.  The bad news:  Of all the strikeouts ever recorded, 100% of them came with two strikes on the batter.  -- Men's Health",
"43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr <segmentation fault>",
"45 bucks?!?  You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!",
"45% of Americans believe that if space aliens could pick up C-Span and see Sonny Bono on the floor of the House, they would never visit Earth.",
"55 saves lives.  -- Rodney King",
"555!  The number of the Fnord!",
"640K ought to be enough for anybody.  -- Bill Gates, 1981",
"668 - Neighbor of the Beast",
"69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...",
"7 months ago I could give an order and 541,000 people would follow it. Today I can't get a plumber to come to my house.  -- Norman Schwartzkopff",
"70% of American women have never had an emotionally satisfactory relationship with a Republican.",
"72 degrees in your head, every lovin' day!  -- Brain Candy",
"80% of all statistics are wrong.",
"80% of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.  -- Jackie Mason",
"88% of Bush voters \"have no idea what rappers are talking about.\"",
"89% of Americans think we are way too rude, according to a recent telephone poll.  The other 11% hung up instead of answering the question.",
"9 men and no babes... what a pathetic, skewed lifestyle of geekdom and cold pizza. Sign me UP!  -- Rohit Khare",
"9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.",
"90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.",
"90% of what is thought shouldn't be said; 90% of what is said shouldn't be written; 90% of what is written shouldn't be published; 90% of what is published shouldn't be read; 90% of what is read shouldn't be remembered.  -- Israel Salanter",
"95% of the brain goes unused.  If we could tap into that... superman.  -- Slacker",
"95% of this game is half mental.  -- Yogi Berra",
"98% of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans.  It's the other lousy 2% that get all the publicity.  But then, we elected them.  -- Lily Tomlin",
"99.9999% of the budget was given to some special effects company while the other .0001% (the cost of a banana) was given to a chimp with a crayon to select from a list of lines.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"<choke> <choke> <run to bathroom> <vomit> <wipe mouth>  -- John Dobbin",
"<pot> /msg kettle you black",
"A 23 year old Italian man emerged from a coma after four years of caressing, rubbing and massaging by his girlfriend.  Yeah, like he wasn't pretending to be asleep.",
"A Beast is not like itself, but an evil man is half a beast and half a devil.  -- Joseph Hall",
"A Brother is someone you grok.  -- Earle M. Herbert",
"A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.",
"A CONS is an object which cares.  -- Bernie Greenberg",
"A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance.  -- John Wing Jr",
"A Catholic, Jew, Afro-American, and a Gay all walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up at them and says, \"What is this, a joke?\"",
"A Chernobyl man won the three-legged race.  -- Jay Leno",
"A Christian and a Moslem walk into a bar.  The Jew ducks.",
"A Cockney can have a great deal of difficulty making a distinction between feces and theses.",
"A DEAD TELEPHONE SANITIZER?  best kind.  BUT WHATS HE DOING HERE?  not a lot.  -- Douglas Adams",
"A Democrat is someone who would be a Republican if he had the money.",
"A Domino's Pizza employee was awarded $237,000 after his female boss sexually harrassed him.  I guess she wanted him to deliver in 30 minutes or less.",
"A Fast-Fish belongs to the party fast to it.  A Loose-Fish is fair game for anybody who can soonest catch it.",
"A French woman claimed she killed her husband because of his excessive flatulence.  In fact, she testified that when he died in her arms, his last request was, Pull my finger.",
"A Freudian Slip, like when you say one thing and mean a mother?  If it's not one thing, it's a mother.",
"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A Harvard study found that kids who feel loved grow into healthier adults.  On the plus side for the unloved group, they tended to land high paying jobs as IRS auditors.",
"A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.",
"A Law of Computer Programming:  Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.",
"A PC is the LSD of the 1990s.  -- Timothy Leary",
"A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to survive.",
"A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.  -- Canada Bill Jones",
"A TV set is an instrument with a picture in front, a loud speaker on the side and an installment behind.",
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.  -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin",
"A William and Mary Intramural Basketball Team:  Dick and the Four Skins",
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.",
"A Zen buddhist walks into a pizza place and says, \"Make me one with everything!\" -- Dave Sweeney",
"A Zen philosopher once said, a flute with no holes is not a flute, and a donut with no holes is a danish.  Think about it.  -- Chevy Chase",
"A [computer] virus that animates a penis and shoots things sounds pretty cool.  -- Robert Harley",
"A \"130MB\" CDROM?  What did they do, sandblast the other 400MB?  -- Rohit Khare",
"A \"no\" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a \"yes\" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.  -- Mahatma Ghandi",
"A baby is God's opinion that life should go on.  -- Carl Sandburg",
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.  -- Carl Sandburg",
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.",
"A bachelor is a guy who likes to love as long as it's not followed by honor and obey.",
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some poor woman out of a divorce.",
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"A bad random number generator:  1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1",
"A bad standard is better than nothing.  It gives you something to violate.",
"A bank is a very respectable, dignified institution that is established for you to keep the government's money in until April 15.",
"A banker is the person who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it rains.  -- Mark Twain",
"A barber is a clip-joint operator.",
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.",
"A bear in his natural habitat.  A studebaker.  -- Fozzie Bear",
"A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself, to keep his friends in countenance.  -- Benjamin Franklin",
"A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big.  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.  -- Senator Everett Dirksen, R-Ill.",
"A billion quadrillion tons of exploding hydrogen nuclei rose over the horizon and managed to look small, cold, and slightly damp.",
"A billion's a good round number.  -- CNN founder Ted Turner, announcing his donation of $1 billion (US) over the next decade to establish a foundation to fund United Nations programs",
"A bird does not sing because it has an answer.  A bird sings because it has a song.",
"A bird in hand is worth what it will bring.",
"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.",
"A bird in the hand can be messy.",
"A bird in the hand is useless if you want to blow your nose.",
"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.",
"A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.  -- Much Ado About Nothing",
"A bone to the dog is not charity.  Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.  -- Jack London",
"A book is a mirror: if an ass peers into it, you can't expect an apostle to look out.  -- G.C. Lichtenberg",
"A book is judged, not by its reference to life, but by its reference to other books.  -- Stephen Fry, Worse By Design",
"A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.  -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina",
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.  -- Bert Leston Taylor",
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.",
"A bore talks about himself.  A brilliant conversationalist talks about you.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"A boss says go.  A leader says let's go.",
"A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.",
"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.  -- Homer Simpson",
"A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see the guy in an elevator and he is fat and smoking a cigar and saying long-time-no-see.  If he hadn't broken your heart, you couldn't have that glorious feeling of relief!  -- Phyllis Batelle",
"A brunette surrounded by blondes is vacuum packed.",
"A budget is a complete record of how you managed to spend more than you earned.",
"A budget is a planned method of worrying.",
"A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.",
"A bugless program is an abstract theoretical concept.",
"A bull in a china shop is not capable of appreciating the beauty and elegance of a fine piece of hand painted porcelain.",
"A bunch of us at work have these styrofoam \"ducks\" with states of mind on them.  Mine are HATE and LAME (you turn the duck to indicate which one best describes you on a given day).  We also have APATHY, HUBRIS, REVENGE, etc.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"A burp is not an answer.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"A bus station is where the bus stops.  This computer is a WORK station.  -- Roger B. Dannenberg",
"A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station.  On my desk I have a workstation...",
"A businessman is judged by the company he keeps solvent.",
"A butterfly flapping its wings in Galviston will somewhere down the road create a monsoon in China.  -- Slacker",
"A camel is a horse planned by committee.",
"A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.",
"A car can massage organs which no masseur can reach.  It is the one remedy for the disorders of the great sympathetic nervous system.  -- Jean Cocteau",
"A car is just a big purse on wheels.  -- Johanna Reynolds",
"A cat has paws at the end of its claws; a comma has pause at the end of its clause.",
"A cat has the paws before the claws, and a comma has the clause before the pause.",
"A cat that jumps on a hot stove will never jump on a hot stove again.  Neither will it jump on a cold stove.  -- Michael Cameron",
"A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer.",
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.",
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.  -- Carl Sagan",
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.  Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.  -- Ronnie Corbett",
"A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.",
"A chameleon looking into a mirror sees a mirror.",
"A chameleon on plaid.  -- Herbert Hoover about FDR",
"A champion fishmerman is a master baiter.",
"A change in the weather is enough to renew the world and ourselves.  -- Marcel Proust",
"A chaste woman ought not to die her hair yellow.  -- Menander",
"A cheerleader is an athletic supporter.",
"A chicken in every time zone.  -- Boris Yeltsin's campaign promise",
"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.  -- George Santayana",
"A child learns what he lives.  -- Dorothy Law Nolte",
"A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.",
"A child without a father is like a house without a roof.",
"A child without a vision is at risk of failing and living only day to day.  -- Jim Lewis",
"A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.  -- Orben's Current Comedy",
"A chip on the shoulder means wood further up.",
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.  -- Bill Vaughan",
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.  -- Herbert Prochnow",
"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.",
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.  -- Mark Twain",
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.",
"A clean desk is a sign of a really full hard drive!",
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.",
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
"A closed mind gathers no intelligence.",
"A closed mouth gathers no foot.",
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.",
"A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.  \"Who died?\" he asked a nearby local.  \"I'm not sure,\" replied the local, \"but I think its the one in the coffin.\"",
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  -- Milton Berle",
"A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.  -- Lazarus Long",
"A computer calls his son a microchip off the old block.",
"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.  -- Joseph Campbell",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  -- Mitch Ratliffe, Technology Review, April 1992",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  -- Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ 4/92",
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the exception of handguns and tequila.  -- D.W. McArthur",
"A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.",
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.",
"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.  -- Fred Allen",
"A conference is an elite meeting on equal terms; a congress is a group of elites meeting on opposite terms; a convention is a mob meeting on equal terms; a course is an elite instructing a mob; and a colloquium is a group capable of considering all these phenomena.  -- Malcolm Bradbury",
"A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.  -- Abba Eban",
"A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.  -- Frank Rizzo",
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.",
"A conservative is just a liberal who has been mugged.",
"A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.",
"A constipated woman barged in on me and said, Eeek!  A boy!  Get out before I call Queer Nation.  -- Rugburns",
"A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.",
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.  -- Dyer",
"A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow death loses its sting.  -- Blackadder II",
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.  -- Ben Franklin",
"A couple billion here, a few billion there... before you know it, it starts adding up to real money.",
"A couple having sex in a McDonalds?  Talk about your happy meal.  And you think Clinton visited a lot before...  -- Jay Leno",
"A cow who cannot give milk is an udder failure.",
"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.",
"A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.",
"A curious energetically mellow mix of frivolity and unrestrained candor with five types of whole grain.",
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A daisy chain is no stronger than its weakest dink.",
"A day is a miniature eternity.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"A day not wasted is a day wasted!",
"A day without fusion and radiation is like a day without sunshine.",
"A day without puns is like a day without sunshine.  There's gloom for improvement.",
"A day without sunshine is like night.  -- Goldie Hawn",
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.",
"A decision is what people make when they can't find anyone to form a committee.",
"A delightfully depressing examination of the disillusionment and disenfranchisement of our generation.  -- Paolo Sivilotti",
"A diamond is just a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.  -- The Cooker",
"A different world cannot be built by indifferent people.  -- Peter Marshall",
"A dinner coat looks better than full dress.",
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.  -- Robert Frost",
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.",
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.",
"A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.",
"A dirty book is rarely dusty.",
"A dishonest man and a harp struck by lighting are both a blasted lyre.",
"A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done because a machine I've never heard of is down.  -- Leslie Lamport",
"A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...",
"A dog is a dog unless he's facing you; then he's MR. dog.",
"A dog is smarter than some people.  It wags its tail and not its tongue.",
"A dog's rule of life:  If you can't eat it or hump it, urinate on it.",
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.  -- Ogden Nash",
"A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys.  String and sealing wax give way to other toys.",
"A dream is like a call to Wabash, Australia.  You only get every other word, and nothing make sense.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"A drink a day keeps the shrink away.  -- Edward Abbey",
"A driver with a truckload of hogs was looking for a porking place.",
"A drop of love can prevent the spilling of oceans of blood.",
"A drop of nicotine on the tongue of a dog can kill a man.  -- Laurence McEwen",
"A drowning man does not die silently.  -- Snake Eyes",
"A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.  Geez, never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice cream.  The results can be a trifle unpredictable.",
"A dyslexic policeman spent Friday night giving out IUD's.",
"A failing Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the United States.  All of our big companies may have to move back here.",
"A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.",
"A famous ballerina's protege-lover could be said to be under her tutelage.",
"A famous sculpter when ask how he did such a masterpiece said, The masterpiece was always there I just removed the pieces that were covering it up and did not belong.",
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.  -- Winston Churchill",
"A fate WORSE than a fate worse than death.... That's pretty bad.  -- Blackadder",
"A feature is just a bug with seniority.  -- George G. Galdiano",
"A federal survey shows that California leads the nation in illiteracy.  This can't be true!  Most of our parents were married!",
"A few giant Chia pets would really set off the pink flamingos.  -- Top 5",
"A few months ago, I joined a physical-fitness club.  I now weigh $1250 less.",
"A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.",
"A fine lass, of nice ways and orderly conduct, none ever seeing her drunk above four days in the seven.  -- Mark Twain, The Prince and the Pauper",
"A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.",
"A fool and her money are soon courted.",
"A fool and his money are some party.",
"A fool and his money are soon partying!",
"A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.",
"A fool and your money are soon parted.",
"A fool is quick tempered; a wise man stays cool when insulted.  -- Proverbs 12:16",
"A fool is ruled by the stars, a wise man is aware of them.",
"A fool must now and then be right by chance.",
"A fool says in his heart that there is no God.  -- Psalm 14:1",
"A fool with the right tools, is still a fool.",
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.  -- G. B. Shaw",
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.  With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, _Essays: First Series_ (1841), Self-Reliance",
"A foolish hobgoblin is the small consistency of minds.",
"A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.  -- David Gries",
"A formal system that encompasses everything is good for nothing.  -- Leslie Lamport",
"A free agent is anything but.",
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.  -- Adlai Stevenson",
"A friend in need is a friend indeed.  -- English Proverb",
"A friend in need is a pain in the ass.",
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.  -- Emerson",
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and sings it back to you when you have forgotten how it goes.",
"A friend is someone you call to help you move.  A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.",
"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.  -- Emo Phillips",
"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.  -- Steven Wright",
"A friend of mine once said, \"If you're ever around when someone dies, look up and wave.  They'll get a big kick out of it.\"  -- Poi Dog Pondering",
"A friend of mine won't get a divorce because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.",
"A friend once asked me to tote up trains, planes, and automobiles, and in 1996 the grand total came to about 183k miles. Yes, I have accelerated up to one light-second per year... It's a wave!, it's a particle!, it's TRAVELMAN! (yes, but are we certain where he is and where he's going?)  -- Rohit Khare",
"A friend told me to listen to my heart.  Another friend told me to listen to my gut.  Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.  -- Paul Reiser",
"A friend with weed is a friend indeed.",
"A fundamentalist is an idealist with whom you disagree.",
"A game is a closed field, a ring of death with, oh, sex as the center.  Performing is the only game I've got.  -- Jim Morrison",
"A game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.  -- Seinfeld",
"A gasoline carrier is like a police car, it's a petrol wagon.",
"A geek is a geek is a geek.  Caves are attractive to them.  Sunlight and crisp fall air are the sirens that lure them away from the purity of their mission.  A tan should be a warning sign to women that the guy might be faking it in the geek department.  -- Abigail Rabinowitz",
"A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.  -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981",
"A genius is an average student with a Jewish mother.",
"A girl I sent email to thought it was specifically directed at her, got VERY offended and won't talk to me anymore.  Plus she was a babe.  So I went back to the lame one.  -- Robert Harley",
"A girl asked me out last week.  I was in her house at the time.",
"A girl is busted, a tool is not.",
"A girl phoned me and said, \"Come on over; there's nobody home.\"  I went over.  There was nobody home!  -- Rodney Dangerfield",
"A girlfriend is a bottle of wine.  A wife is a wine bottle.",
"A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).",
"A global study reveals that US students are extremely weak in math.  The research shows that most teenagers can't even count their blessings.  The good news is, at least they're assured a job with the National Park Service.",
"A gnab gib is a big bang in reverse.  -- Douglas Adams",
"A gold rush is what happens when a line of chorus girls spot a man with a bank roll.  -- Klondike Annie",
"A good aphorism is too hard for the tooth of time, and is not worn away by all the centuries, although it serves as food for every epoch.  -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, _Miscellaneous Maxims and Opinions_, 1879",
"A good collection of incremental examples is the best teaching tool.  -- Mani Chandy",
"A good compromise leaves everybody mad.  -- Bill Watterson",
"A good conversationalist is not one who remembers what was said, but says what someone wants to remember.  -- John Mason Brown",
"A good cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's.",
"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.  -- Alfred Hitchcock",
"A good imitation of measles rash can be effected by stabbing the forearm with a stiff whisk-broom.",
"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.  -- Wilson Mizner",
"A good marriage is like an incredible retirement fund:  You put everything you have into it during your productive life, and over the years it turns from silver to gold to platinum.  -- Willard Scott",
"A good motto for Seattle would be \"Settle for Seattle\".  -- John Dobbin",
"A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men usually have jobs and bathe.  -- Rita Rudner",
"A good plan violently executed NOW is better than a perfect plan next week.  -- General George S. Patton Jr, War as I Knew it",
"A good pun is its own reword.",
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of the idea.  -- John Ciardi",
"A good reputation is more valuable than money.",
"A good rule of thumb for car airbag owners is that if you're closer the steering wheel than about 11 inches (which you can think of as the long direction of a standard sized piece of notebook paper), you're too close.",
"A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is that anything that calls itself \"science\" probably isn't.  -- John Searle",
"A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.  -- Dr Morris Fishbein",
"A good vacuum really sucks.",
"A good woman is like a good bar... liquor in the front and poker in the back.",
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.  -- Barry Goldwater",
"A government with the policy to rob Peter to pay Paul can be assured of the support of Paul.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.  -- Saul Bellow",
"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage.  -- Goethe",
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.  -- William James",
"A great ring of pure and endless light dazzles the darkness in my heart, and breaks apart the dusky clouds of night; the end of all is hinted in the start.  -- Madeleine L'Engle",
"A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up.  -- Albert Schweitzer",
"A group of elegant monster dogs in top hats, tails, and bustle skirts become instant celebrities when they come to New York in 2008.  -- Kirsten Bakis, Lives of the Monster Dogs",
"A group of hackers devised a protocol for transmitting Usenet over the Internet, which was completely subsidized by the federal deficit.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A grunge band from Seattle, well this sure beats raising cattle.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"A guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.",
"A guru went to the dentist and said, \"I'd like to transcend dental medication.\"",
"A guy came over and wanted to read the gas meter.  Doesn't anyone read the classics anymore?",
"A half moon is better than no moon at all.",
"A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.",
"A handsome man is not quite poor.  -- Spanish proverb",
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.  -- Andre Maurois",
"A harp is a nude piano.",
"A hat is wasted on a man with no head.  -- Mad About You",
"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience.  -- John Updike",
"A helicopter is close enough to be brought down with small arms fire when you can no longer completely cover it with your thumb held at arm's length.  -- Vietnamese Rule of Thumb",
"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.  -- Samuel Butler",
"A hero is someone who does what he can.",
"A high level staff meeting will always make the big boss feel better.",
"A high-density computer with a very powerful three-dimensional resolution capacity... say what?  -- Robert Harley",
"A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence.  -- Brander Matthews",
"A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!  -- One of dem Henrys",
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.  -- Shelley Berman",
"A house divided is a split level.",
"A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer.  Well, I suppose that proves they're really not all bad.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.",
"A hungry dog hunts best.  A hungrier dog hunts even better.",
"A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.   -- Helen Rowland",
"A job is nice but it interferes with my life.",
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.",
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.  -- Robert Frost",
"A jury took eight minutes yesterday to acquit a man who ran over and killed a teenage car thief after the judge said they should not convict him if they believed he had been trying to make a citizen's arrest.",
"A king is but a foolish labourer / Who wastes his blood to be another's dream.  -- W. B. Yeats",
"A kiss is the upper persuasion for lower invasion.",
"A koan is a story about Zen masters and their students.  Sometimes it is like a riddle; other times like a fable; and other times like nothing you've ever heard before.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.",
"A lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.",
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.  I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll have to kill you too.  -- Jake Johansen",
"A lady is known by the product she endorces.  -- Ogden Nash",
"A land without ruins is a land without memories - a land without memories is a land without history.  -- Abram Joseph Ryan",
"A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.  -- Max Weinreich",
"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do.  -- Dennis M. Ritchie",
"A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work by being declared to work.  -- Anatol Holt",
"A large viper must be swallowed with extreme caution.",
"A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss; in the Republican Party he is a leader.  -- Harry Truman",
"A legend is a lie that has attained the dignity of age.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A leopard never changes his stripes.  -- Al Gore",
"A lesser-known corollary of the Pauli exclusion principle: Mani and Rohit cannot work in the same department ;|  -- Robert Harley",
"A lex upon you, and a yacc on your kin!",
"A liberal always has both feet firmly planted in the clouds.",
"A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.  -- Tom Wolfe",
"A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.",
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but also more useful than a life spent doing nothing.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A light year has 1/3 the calories of a regular year.",
"A limerick crams laughs astronomical into space truly economical.  But the funniest I've seen are not often clean, and the clean ones so seldom are comical.",
"A lioness may mate a hundred times a *day* with many different partners during the week if she is in estrus.  What the hell!?  I don't know whether to say \"you go girl\" or OUCH!  -- Persephone Silverthorn",
"A list is only as strong as its weakest link.  -- Donald E. Knuth",
"A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.",
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.  -- Bismarck",
"A little exposure really boosted Pee Wee Herman's career.",
"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.  -- P.J. O'Rourke",
"A little greed can get you lots of stuff.",
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.  -- Saki",
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wits and add drama to an otherwise dull day!  -- Calvin",
"A little work never hurt anyone.  I just don't want to be its first victim.",
"A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over.  -- Robert Frost",
"A loafer is a person who is trying to make both weekends meet.",
"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.  -- Thomas Paine",
"A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me cry...  -- Don McLean",
"A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.",
"A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe's:  1. TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.  Example: \"This childbirth really hurt's!\"  -- Dave Barry",
"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.  -- Doug Larson",
"A lover is a strange bird.  He feels strongest when he's all in.",
"A loving wife will do anything for her husband except stop criticizing him and trying to improve him.  -- J.B. Priestly",
"A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.  -- Arnold H. Glasow, WSJ",
"A machine that isn't checked out is a \"down\" machine and can't be used even though it may work perfectly.  -- Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance",
"A mafia hitman was taking a poor guy for a ride.  A slay ride.",
"A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.",
"A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.",
"A major part of Zen is the fight against reliance on words.  To combat the use of words, one of the best devices is the koan, where words are so deeply abused that one's mind is practically left reeling, if one takes the koans seriously.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  -- Carrie Snow",
"A man can be forgiven if he can quote Shakespeare in an economic crisis.  -- H.R.H. Prince Philip",
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.",
"A man climbed the fence to the bear cage in Karachi and began yelling to the bears, apparently challenging them to a fight.  According to hospital officials, the bears accepted.",
"A man could go quite mad, and not be all that bad.  Consider each superb, disturbing urge you've ever had:  to curse aloud in church or choke each bloke who throws a smile your way....  Sometimes I think that sanity is just a passing fad.  -- Rosa Bud, Drood",
"A man couldn't enter a fancy club without a tie, so he used jumper cables from his car for a tie.  The doorman said, \"Well, I guess you can come in, but you better not start anything.\"",
"A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.  -- Jack Handey",
"A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road.  -- Alexander Smith",
"A man has a right to unrestricted liberty of discussion.  Falsehood is a scorpion that will sting itself to death.  -- Percy Bysshe Shelley, A Declaration of Rights",
"A man in general is better pleased when he has a good dinner than when his wife talks Greek.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"A man in my position... which is, seated upright...  -- David Letterman",
"A man in the house is worth two in the street.",
"A man is a king.  A king is a ruler.  A ruler is 12 inches.  Are you a man?",
"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman as bad as she dares.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"A man is as old as he feels.  But never as important.",
"A man is as old as he's feeling.  A woman as old as she looks.  -- Mortimer Collins",
"A man is as old as the woman he feels.",
"A man is incomplete until he is married.  After that, he is finished.  -- Zsa Zsa Gabor",
"A man is not finished when he is defeated.  He is finished when he quits.  -- Richard M. Nixon",
"A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.",
"A man is rich in proportion to the things he can afford to let alone.  -- Henry David Thoreau",
"A man looks in the abyss, there is nothing staring back at him.  At that moment he discovers his character.  That keeps the man out of the abyss.  -- Wall Street",
"A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A man may be born, but in order to be born he first must die, and in order to die he must first awake.  -- Gurdieff",
"A man of convictions, none of them pending.  -- David Letterman of Oliver North",
"A man of genius makes no mistakes.  His errors are volitional and are portals of discovery.  -- James Joyce",
"A man of great memory without learning hath a rock and a spindle and no staff to spin.  -- George Herbert",
"A man of principles.  None of them interesting.  -- John Dobbin",
"A man said to the Universe: \"Sir, I exist!\"  \"However,\" replied the Universe, \"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.\"  -- Stephen Crane",
"A man should build a house with his own hands before he calls himself an engineer.  -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn",
"A man should live forever, or die trying.",
"A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave.  -- William Drummond",
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.  -- Mark Twain",
"A man who finds it painful to smile should not open a shop.  -- Confucius",
"A man who is his own doctor should file a malpractice suit.  Either way he wins.",
"A man who kills one man is a murderer.  A man who kills 10,000 men is a hero.  -- Tolstoy",
"A man who was late paying bills was sent a note saying, \"Your account is long overdue.  It has been on our books over a year.  Must remind you, we have now carried you longer than your mother did.\"",
"A man with one watch always knows what time it is.  A man with two watches is never quite sure.",
"A man without hand is not a man.  I've got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves.  -- Seinfeld",
"A man works hard for his filth, only to have vagrants come and steal it.  It's a crying shame.  -- Ren and Stimpy",
"A man would discover sorrow if all his wishes were satisfied.  -- Aesop",
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.",
"A man's body is 70% water.  However, a dolphin's body is 0% water, so dolphins have to live in the ocean.",
"A man's character is his destiny.  -- Heraclitus, the Obscure One",
"A man's dreams are an index to his greatness.  -- Zadok Rabinwitz",
"A man's got to know his limitations.  -- Harry Callahan, Magnum Force",
"A man's home is his coffin.  -- Al Bundy",
"A man's home is his hassle.",
"A man, a plan, a canal.  Suez!",
"A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning, so he takes a hot one.  -- Dave Barry",
"A mass of stoney encrustatations rotating about its central axis gathers no bryophytic vegetation.",
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.  -- Paul Erdos",
"A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.",
"A meme is the simplest or smallest concept or idea that can be communicated between two people.  If the concept is not simple or small, it's not a meme, it's a culture.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"A microscopic cog in his catastrophic plan...",
"A midget telling you your hair smells nice.",
"A million dollars sounds like a lot, but it actually isn't.  -- Joan Collins",
"A millionaire requested he be cremated and his ashes sent to the IRS wish this message: \"Now you have it all.\"",
"A mind is a terrible thing to ****.  It's all gooey and there's no access without blood.  -- John Dobbin",
"A mind is a terrible thing to taste.",
"A mind is a terrible thing to ugg... I forgot...",
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but let's give it a shot.",
"A mind is a terrible thing.",
"A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.  -- Oliver Wendell Holmes",
"A miner's canary is an inch away and pointing in the wrong direction, sprawled out and dead on the floor.  -- Rohit Khare",
"A mohawk for the mind.  Snip away the shades of grey matter.  No matter, nevermind.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new; when an age ends; and when the soul of a nation long suppressed find utterance.  -- Jawaharlal Nehru, from his midnight speech on the occasion of India's independence from Great Britain on August 15, 1947",
"A month of experiments can save a couple of hours in the library.",
"A moose once bit my sister...",
"A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.  -- Top 5",
"A motion to adjourn is always in order.",
"A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, a libido, a denial.  -- Nirvana",
"A murder is only an extroverted suicide.",
"A myth is a female moth.",
"A national survey conducted by Off the Wall Street Journal shows that 86% of senior officers in 65% of the Fortune 500 companies keep a mistress currently, and have kept a mistress in the past or intend to find one as soon as they finish reading this article.  -- Off the Wall Street Journal, 1982",
"A near miss a HIT.  -- George Carlin",
"A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.",
"A neck wound that resembled, in the words of one bystander, a really bad hickey.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"A network computer with a virus has a stuffed up node.",
"A neurotic reacts wildly to stimuli.  A psychotic creates his own.",
"A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How much for a beer?\"  The bartender replies, \"For you, no charge.\"",
"A new discovery of a human jaw and some tools sheds new light on early man.  Although man's jaw has evolved, his obsession with tools has not.",
"A new study claims that a moderate amount of alcohol can help a person think.  Right.  You not only think the woman at the end of the bar is beautiful, but that she's also interested in you.",
"A new study reveals that 14% of all Americans do not speak English.  And the vast majority of them write computer manuals.  -- Dave Barry",
"A new study reveals that guests on daytime talk shows are predominantly female.  Of course, most of them weren't born that way.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"A new study says that marijuana does not make a good medicine.  It took years for the scientists to reach this conclusion, but no one in the test group seemed to mind.",
"A new survey found that 61% of adults know people who go to work under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  The other 39% used the survey as rolling paper.",
"A new survey reveals that 28% of all Americans admit they sometimes urinate in the swimming pool. Today, 19 countries withdrew from the '96 Summer Games in Atlanta.",
"A new wine is about to be released as a result of NAFTA.  The wine will be made in California, the cork will be made in Canada, the labels will be from Mexico, and the hangover will be from Hell.",
"A new... poll finds that 90% of those surveyed said \"improving the IRS\" should be a top priority for their legislators.  This is amazing.  What on earth could the remaining 10% be thinking of?  -- WSJ editorial, 6/25/97",
"A newspaper should be the maximum of information and the minimum of comment.  -- Richard Cobden, 1804-1865",
"A newspaper should be the maximum of information, and the minimum of comment.  -- Richard Cobden, 1804-1865",
"A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.  A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.",
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.  -- Yogi Berra",
"A night of \"Showgirls\" and Tequila shooters with Clarence Thomas.  -- Top 5",
"A nightmare of in-line hand-optimizations and micro hacks.  Register variables with names like p, pp, and ppp being used for multitudes of differebt purposes in different parts of a single function.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A nuclear bomb can really ruin your day.",
"A one track mind is about as good as an 8-track.  -- Cindy Parker",
"A painter should not paint what he sees, but what will be seen.  -- Paul Valery",
"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.",
"A pathetic, poorly written, pseudo-intellectual, pseudo-spiritual, pseudo-document of schmaltz.  But if they want me to be in the movie, sign me up.  -- David Duchovny on Bridges of Madison County",
"A patriotic American likes to discuss the Constitution of the United States despite the fact he has never taken the time to read it.",
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.  -- Gloria Steinem",
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.",
"A penny for your thoughts.  \"A dollar for your death.\"",
"A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.",
"A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.",
"A penny saved is a penny earned (copyright 1995 Chinese Proverbs Inc., Shanghai.  All right reserved.  No portion of this fortune may be reproduced in any way without express permission of the publisher.)",
"A penny saved is depreciated.",
"A penny saved is ridiculous.",
"A people who expect to be ignorant and free expect what never will, and never can, be.  -- Thomas Jefferson",
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.  -- James Dent",
"A perfectionist is one who takes infinite pains and passes them along to everybody else.",
"A person in search of a dream?  Maybe my new dream is to FIND a new dream.  Maybe my new goal IS to find a new goal, since I have this lifewish that sticks me wandering on this planet for another 50 or 60 years.  Every day brings me a little closer to dreaming a new dream.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A person is as big as the things which make him angry.",
"A person should never be ashamed to own that he is wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.  -- Alexander Pope",
"A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.",
"A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat.",
"A perversion of nature...  how exciting!",
"A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is one who hopes they are.  -- Chauncey Depew",
"A pessimist is never disappointed.",
"A pessimist looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.",
"A phone call costs less than you think.  Soon it will cost more than you believe.",
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.  -- George Wald",
"A picture is worth a thousand words.  So draw a picture of the Gettysburg address.  -- Leo Rosten",
"A picture is worth a thousand words... can you draw a picture to express that?  -- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut",
"A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.",
"A plague on both your spouses!",
"A planet where apes evolved from men?  -- MST3K",
"A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.",
"A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think he's the only one who can save the ship.  -- Ivern Ball",
"A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"A politician isn't above corruption much like an ocean isn't above clouds.",
"A politician would do well to remember that he has to live with his conscience longer than he does with his constituents.  -- Melvin R. Laird",
"A porno row near a club I go to just shut down in the last month and I really miss seeing the people hanging around outside looking shady and the lights on the shops flashing invitingly.  Life's not quite the same without the seedy fringy.  -- John Dobbin",
"A positive anything is better than a negative nothing.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"A powerful relationship requires the capacity to enter another's reality; to see how that person sees the world.",
"A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.",
"A pride of lions.  A gaggle of geese.  An odd lot of programmers.",
"A principle widely held by physicists states that there is no such thing as a truly independent observer, that every act of perception, no matter how trivial, affects whatever is observed.  Information theorists recognize a similar principle: every message, no matter how perfunctory, is carried by a medium that colors its meaning for the recipient.  -- Jerry Kaplan",
"A process which led from the amoeba to man appeared to the philosophers to be obviously a progress, though whether the amoeba would agree with this opinion is not known.  -- Bertrand Russell",
"A proctologist with a psychology degree specializes in odds and ends.",
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.",
"A program is never less than 90% complete... and never more than 95% complete.  -- Terry Baker, IBM's Federal Systems Division, 1975",
"A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"A project is beginning in San Diego, California, to test a \"driverless\" freeway system.  This is great!  With both hands free, it will be so much easier to reload.",
"A prostitution archetype.  That is sooooooo funny!  -- John Thornley",
"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.  -- Joey Adams",
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.",
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.  -- Steel City News",
"A raise is like a martini:  it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily.  -- Dan Seligman",
"A real man would not shoplift the pootie from a single mother.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"A real optimist is a guy who can hand his car to a parking lot attendant and not look back.",
"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.",
"A really grand passion is comparatively rare nowadays.  It is the privilege of people who have nothing to do.  That is the one use of the idle classes in the country.  -- Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance",
"A recent statistical study revealed that the average American has one testicle and one breast.",
"A referenced outcome under a joint partnership is near an idiomatically simple purpose, but since a historical circulation is not realizable, a necessarily initial increment of an essential documentation is defined.",
"A relationship is a pervading and changing mystery.  Brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to.  -- Eudora Welty",
"A replacement player hit a home run with my cheatin' wife.",
"A repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.  -- Repo Man",
"A reporter asked me not long ago whether I had ever expected a commercial internet to operate. 'Yes,' I answered, 'that didn't surprise me.  Finding URLs in lipstick advertisements really threw me though.'  -- Fred Baker",
"A researcher in San Diego says that eating 25 pounds of chocolate can give you the same effect as marijuana. But as you know, the main effect of eating marijuana is eating 25 pounds of chocolate, so it's the same thing.  -- Jay Leno",
"A retentive memory is a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"A roast aardvark without an apple in its mouth is like a martini without the egg.",
"A rolling stone gathers momentum.",
"A room without books is like a body without a soul.  -- Cicero",
"A room-spent night does not a boyfriend make.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.  -- John Tudor",
"A salvage company has located George Bush's WWII plane at the bottom of the South China sea.  It also found Dan Quayle's Vietnam era 3 wood at the bottom of a lake at an Indianapolis golf course.",
"A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.  -- Peter McArthur",
"A scholar is he who doesn't repeat his mistakes but rather makes new ones.",
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.",
"A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  -- Jack Benny",
"A security system is only as secure as its secret.  Beware of pseudo-secrets.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"A sense of humor is the difference between ambition and achievement.",
"A sense of mystery always heightens desire... it is advisable for a girl to never reveal too much.  -- Helen Gurley Brown, Sex in the Office, 196x",
"A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.",
"A sex symbol becomes a thing.  I hate being a thing.  -- Marilyn Monroe",
"A shadow is the... mobile, persistent, distributed, self-descriptive, self-contained, pro-active, cooperative, trustworthy, object-oriented, software analog of some real world object.  -- Sandor Spruit",
"A ship in harbor is safe... but that is not what ships are for.  -- John A. Shedd",
"A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.  -- Dutch proverb",
"A showoff always gets shown up in a showdown.",
"A sign for a superintendent of schools was \"Bored of Education\".",
"A sign warning that police are doing arial speed checks:  Pigs in space!",
"A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mind like a steel trap.",
"A simile is like a metaphor.",
"A simple, half-done job is more virtuous than a complex, well-executed one.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.  -- Professor Steiner",
"A single fact can spoil a good argument.",
"A ski jump is a leap made by a person on the way to the hospital.",
"A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being frank.",
"A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust.",
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.  -- in the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance",
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.  -- the U.S. Army's PS magazine, August 1993",
"A small case of mood poisoning.  Must be something I hate.  -- Wild Palms",
"A small town is where there's little to do or say, but what you hear makes up for it.  -- Ivern Ball",
"A smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.",
"A smile increases your face value.",
"A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner.",
"A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation, is a society which is on the way out.  -- L. Ron Hubbard",
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  -- Solomon (Proverbs 15:1)",
"A soft drink turneth away company.",
"A son is one whose incantations and offerings keep a father's spirit from wandering homeless and hungry in the waste spaces of eternity.  -- Hindu proverb",
"A sorority girl's favorite wine is \"I wanna go home\".",
"A spirit with a vision is a dream with a mission.  -- Rush",
"A starving entrepreneur can't afford to offend customers.  One spends 40-80 hours/week doing favors for people.  Few religions can match that.  -- Ken Laws, laws@ai.sri.com",
"A stated design goal of Motif was to give the X Window System the window management capabilities of HP's circa-1988 window manager and the visual elegance of Microsoft Windows.  We kid you not.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"A statesman who keeps his ear permanently glued to the ground will have neither elegance of posture nor flexibility of movement.  -- Abba Eban",
"A still tongue makes a happy life.  -- The Prisoner",
"A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:  When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here.",
"A store tomato is a tease.  It gives the false impression it is a tomato, getting your hopes up and then breaking your heart because it isn't even remotely what a normal person would call a tomato.  A home potato and a store potato are the difference between great and good.  A home tomato and a store tomato are the difference between good and evil.  -- Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, May 13, 1998",
"A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.  -- O'Henry",
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.  -- Daniel Webster",
"A strong man and a waterfall always channel their own path.",
"A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.  -- Patricia Neal",
"A student of Zen is not supposed to attach to any object or thought or person - which is to say, he must not believe in, or depend on, any absolute - not even this philosophy of nonattachment.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.",
"A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives.  For one thing, we're awake.",
"A study shows that a woman's breast feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics.  It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.",
"A stupid laptop that performs like a pII, has a 15\" active matrix screen, is lighter than 5 pounds, and can play a good GLQuake game over the IR port (so the flight attendants don't trip over the cable) with battery life that doesn't quit out playing it 3/5ths of the way through a stupid flight from OC into San Jose or SF including traffic and spilled drinks.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"A stupid person can do anything but think.  -- Bob Dobbs, Jr.",
"A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.",
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.  -- Lana Turner",
"A successful technology creates problems only it can solve.  -- Alan Kay",
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.",
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.",
"A supercomputer is a machine that runs an infinite loop in finite time.",
"A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest percentage of obese people.  What do they expect?  The Louisiana state vegetable is butter.  -- Daily Scoop",
"A sweater makes anyone look like a babe.  -- Richard Goodman",
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first one you thought of.",
"A task becomes a duty from the moment you suspect it to be an essential part of that integrity which alone entitles a man to assume responsibility.  -- Dag Hammarskjold",
"A task without a vision is drudgery; a vision without a task is a dream; a dream with a vision is victory.",
"A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and a car on the TV game show Wheel of Fortune.  The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct buying a vowel as a legitimate business expense.",
"A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers.",
"A tea kettle sings though in hot water up to its nose.",
"A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.  -- Michael Winner",
"A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.  -- H.W. Dodds",
"A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability and beauty of the biotic community.  It is wrong when it tends otherwise.  -- Aldo Leopold, Sand County Almanac",
"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\"",
"A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterwards.  -- Jean Paul Richter",
"A tire is a Goodyear, but 365 condoms is a great year!",
"A tizzy is the thing you go through before you have a hissy fit.",
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"A tough guy bangs it on the side of the urinal to dry it off.",
"A trauma is when it happens to me.  No bid deal is when it happens to you.  -- Matt Groening",
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.",
"A trombone spends all of its time going in and out, whereas a violin just rubs itself all day.",
"A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway.  The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were \"stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded.\"",
"A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and the one that we take the least care of all to acquire.  -- Franois de La Rochefoucauld",
"A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes.  And doesn't.",
"A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.",
"A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.  -- William Blake",
"A twelve-gauge, double-barrelled, grenade-launcher of LOVE!  -- Leap of Faith",
"A uniform so smart it's got a PhD from Cambridge.  -- Blackadder IV",
"A universal human stupidity is the belief that our neighbor's success is the cause of our failure.  -- Charles V. Roman",
"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.",
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.  -- John Ciardi",
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.  -- Tennessee Williams",
"A vacuum with nipples.  -- Otto Preminger on Marilyn Monroe",
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"A very interesting person to cuss and discuss with.  -- Kendall Bullen",
"A very special episode of ER was on last week.  The emergency room doctors operated for seven hours trying to remove Mark Fuhrman's head from his ass.",
"A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.",
"A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.  -- William Arthur Ward",
"A warning to the wives of baseball players.  No matter HOW ANGRY your husband makes you, never slap the face of a man chewing tobacco!",
"A waste is a terrible thing to mind.  -- Custodians of Love Canal",
"A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.",
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet.  It cuts off your circulation.  -- MAD Magazine",
"A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.",
"A white lie is aversion of the truth.",
"A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.",
"A wise man hears one word and understands two.  -- Jewish proverb",
"A wise man knows everything; a shrewd man knows everyone.",
"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.",
"A witty saying proves nothing.  -- Voltaire",
"A woman can become a man's friend only in the following stages: first an acquaintance, next a mistress, and only then a friend.  -- Anton Chekhov, Uncle Vanya",
"A woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man with his pants down.",
"A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be considered half as good.  Fortunately it's not hard.",
"A woman is a lot like a refrigerator.  Six feet tall, three hundred pounds, they make ice.  -- Homer Simpson",
"A woman is like a teabag.  You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.  -- Nancy Reagan",
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.  -- Rudyard Kipling, The Betrothed",
"A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.  \"Just lost a shoe?\" she asked.  He answered, \"Nope, just found one.\"",
"A woman must be pretty to please the men.  But as for a man, all he needs is five sound limbs....",
"A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.",
"A woman never forgets.",
"A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  A man of 35 thinks of dating children.",
"A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.  -- Gloria Steinem",
"A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A woman was arrested for driving under the influence... of prozac.",
"A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was contemplating their ingredients.  I said to her, These things could kill you.  She said, Well, they're just for the kids.",
"A woman who demands equality is selling herself short.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"A woman will do anything for a man she once loved except love him again.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"A woman with ESP and PMS is a know-it-all bitch.",
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.  -- Sanskrit proverb",
"A woman's place is in the house.  And the senate.",
"A woman's place is in the wrong.  -- James Thurber",
"A woman's whole life is a history of the affections.  -- Washington Irving",
"A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.  -- Jane Austin, Northanger Abbey",
"A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.  -- F. Schubert",
"A word about pornography.  You'll need it.  Lots of it.  -- John Hughes, National Lampoon, 1979",
"A word about the suicide machine.  Don't buy.  RENT.  -- David Letterman",
"A word to the wise: a woman is topologically equivalent to a bagel, or a beer mug.",
"A writer is like a bag lady going through life with a sack and a pointed stick collecting stuff.  -- Tony Hillerman",
"A writer must not shift your point of view.",
"A yawn is a silent shout.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.",
"A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights.  He betrayed and murdered your father.  Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.  -- Star Wars",
"A young Roman named Marcus Valenti had troubles and anguish aplenty.  He's been beaten and plundered, by Huns by the C, before he had even turned XX.",
"A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.",
"A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.: Abbreviations Concatenated Rowwise, Obscuring (Naturally) Your Meaning.",
"ACRONYM - A Capitalized Representation Of Names You Memorize.",
"ALABAMA: Literacy Ain't Everything.",
"AMC?  Bogus corn.  Totally stale, and like the ushers are the acne patrol.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"ANYTHING will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite.  -- Robert Heinlein",
"AOL is better than Prodigy; syphilis is better than AIDS.",
"AOL?  Isn't that \"Association of Online Losers\"?  -- Robert Harley",
"APL is a write-only language.  -- Roy Keir",
"APL programmers are functional.",
"APL programmers do it backwards.",
"ARKANSAS: At Least We're not Oklahoma.",
"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.",
"ASPCA outraged that Lunar Rover abandoned on airless moon.  -- Top 5",
"AT MOST 3% of what either of us do is worth knowing.  -- Rohit Khare",
"AT&T Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.",
"AT&T says 122.5 million calls were placed on Mother's Day - 100 million to moms, 22 million to grandmothers, and half a million to something called 1-900-HOT-MAMA.",
"Aaahhhh...  nothing like a fine breakfast of snapple, cheetos, and rolaids...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Aaaugh!  Don't DO that!  -- MST3K",
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter messages here.",
"Abandon all hope, ye who have entered cyberspace.",
"Abandon all hope, ye who press ENTER here.",
"Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.",
"About 108% of all videos suck, no matter how loud you turn up the TV.  -- Butt-head",
"About 400 women turned me down for dates this year.  I can only conclude one thing... not enough quality women.  -- Scott Adams",
"About as funny as flatulence in a spacesuit.",
"About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.  -- Ernest Hemingway",
"Absence makes the heart go wander.",
"Absent, adj.:  Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.",
"Absentee, n.:  A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Absolute zero is cool.",
"Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.",
"Abstainer, n.:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Abstinence prevents sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy - every time it's tried.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Absurdity, n.:  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.  -- Wallace Sayre",
"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.  -- William James",
"Access denied.  Nah nah na nah nah!",
"Access to power must be confined to those who are not in love with it.  -- Plato",
"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.",
"According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, I COULDN'T go that fast!  -- Top 5",
"According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.  -- Top 5",
"According to Starfleet medical research, Borg implants cause severe skin irritations.  Perhaps you'd like an... analgesic cream?  -- Star Trek: First Contact",
"According to Who's Who, his interests include flogging servants, shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who hasn't got a knife in them.  -- Blackadder III",
"According to a recent study, sex has now replaced cigarettes as the leading cause of studies.",
"According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.",
"According to obituary notices, mean and hateful people never die.",
"According to our calendar o' fun, this Friday is not just May 5th; it's also Cinqo de Mayo!",
"According to the latest poll, 61% of Americans think OJ did it.  The other 39% don't think.",
"According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.",
"According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.",
"Accordion, n.:  A bagpipe with pleats.",
"Accountants do it with balance.",
"Accountants do it with double entry.",
"Accuracy, n.:  The vice of being right.",
"Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.",
"Acid takes the worry out of being.",
"Acquaintance, n.:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Acrophobes get down.",
"Act (so) that you... treat humanity... never simply as a means, but always at the same time as an end.  -- Kant",
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.",
"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living.  After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.  -- Katharine Hepburn",
"Action: the last resource of those who know not how to dream.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"Actions lie louder than words.  -- Carolyn Wells",
"Actors do it on stage.",
"Actors play around.",
"Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.",
"Actual size *doesn't* matter.  It's how big you can convince her it is that matters.  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually Digital threatened to sue Microsoft over having copied large chunks of VMS for WNT, unless they keep an Alpha version of WNT alive... that was before they got the pictures of Bilbo Gates doing heroinn acid with a call-girl from Proxima Centauri.  -- Robert Harley",
"Actually Nostril Weasels has a certain mystique to it as well...  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually it was in gym class.  I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me.  I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head.  We've been close ever since.  -- Seinfeld",
"Actually, I prefer to carry the Trusty +17 Vorpal Dancing Butterknife of Vampiric Life-stealing that shoots 9d6 Fireballs.  -- Eric Rossing",
"Actually, bottom line: you tell the truth sometimes.  Like you're pulling taffy.  -- Lisa Loeb",
"Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your breath while you sleep.  -- John Dobbin",
"Actually, given your arrival time I'll have just gotten up. (After having gone back to sleep after church, Richard.)  -- John Dobbin",
"Acute Alcoholic, n.:  An attractive drunk.",
"Ada is the 400 pound gorilla of programming languages.",
"Ada programmers do it by committee.",
"Ada programmers do it in packages.",
"Adam (and me too I think) is tall but understated.  He doesn't dominate a crowd so you really don't think of him as being as tall as he is.  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Feminist radar fork.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  First naked air form.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  I staff mirror, naked.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Infrared skirt foam.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Modern skirt affair.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Offer radiant smirk.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Forrest Rifkin.  Skim torrid fanfare.  -- Robert Harley",
"Adam Rifkin squandered his life on entertaining himself through movies, books, music, and alcohol.  Squandered?  That sounds like a pretty darn good way to live to me...  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam \"obsessive compulsive email disorder\" Rifkin - Adam and Rohit are my two info junkie friends.  Rohit is to Adam as /dev/null is to /dev/zero.  Rohit sucks.  Adam blows.  -- Gordon Irlam",
"Adam and John: I'm ready to be flooded again.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the Serpent, and the poor Serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.",
"Adam doesn't care.  He sent me a credit card receipt complete with credit card number, expiration date and signature.  No more suggesting Adam buy something, now I can do it for him!  -- John Dobbin",
"Adam is God's apology for the Archie Bunkers of this world. A doctoral student at CalTech, comic book star, gen-x activist, future screenwriter, finder of lost CD's, cat-owner, HTML deity, holder of world record for longest relationship before marriage, my LA landlord and personal hero.  Pack a lunch if you intend to view his entire site.  Hell, pack a restaurant.  -- Duck",
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.  -- Mark Twain",
"Adam's First Rule of Speaking:  Nice guys finish fast.",
"Adam's help didn't move the column along one iota further.  But I did get to excoriate him all night long over the bad press I was taking on FoRK as a weight-obsessed sexist maniac.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Adam, honey, unbridled.  It's a horse, not a wife, you're restraining.  -- Michael Patrick",
"Adam, quick: MONGOOSE!  \"Uh, Multithreaded Open Networked Global Object-Oriented Serialization Engine?\"  -- Joe Kiniry",
"Adam, the one thing you're really lacking in your purely academic life is to see up close and personal just how badly most large software projects are run.  -- Ron Resnick",
"Adam, we're going to have to discuss this notion of yours that movies made in the 1940s are ripoffs of movies made in the 1990s.  That's like saying God stole the name Adam from you.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Adam, you don't keep *A* Green Day web page.  You keep *THE* Green Day web page.  -- a 14-year-old who wishes to remain anonymous",
"Adam: \"I can't take this anymore!  I'm too happy!  I need to be depressed!\"   Mack: \"Come with me, Adam; it's heroine time...\"",
"Adam:\"Sex is not so much a matter of fact as it is of friction.\"  Rob:\"Not if it's done right.\"",
"Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit.  [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]  -- Ovid",
"Addiction is a drag.  -- Dennis Hopper",
"Addition is commutative; that way your additives become preservatives.  -- the ARs",
"Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot.  Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.  -- David Geary",
"Admiration, n.:  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.",
"Adobe left an artifact from the beta version of the program in the final shipping version: it causes Photoshop to expire if the system clock is set for a year other than 1994.",
"Adobe turned it's back on the Mac market (Adobe was so arrogant about this that they would go to Mac shows and demo their software on PC's), released a shitty upgrade for Illustrator, and kissed Microsoft's ass.  This is what they got for their efforts.  -- Tim Byars",
"Adolescence, n.:  The stage of life between puberty and adultery.",
"Adolescents are children old enough to dress by themselves, if they could just remember where they last saw their clothes.",
"Adopt Macaulay Culkin and rob the little monkey blind.  -- David Letterman",
"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you...  -- Gilda Radner",
"Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages, such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.",
"Adorable wind-up monkey with a powerful taste for human flesh.  -- David Letterman",
"Adult, n.:  One old enough to know better.",
"Adultery is pretty much laughed off today.  -- John Dobbin",
"Adultery, n.:  When a husband is too good to be true.",
"Adults choosing between good and evil is like kids choosing between celery and cookies.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Adumbration, n.:  A sketchy representation or outline.",
"Adverbs are fading from the English language slow, but sure.",
"Advertising gives us a new option, whereas before all we had were boredom and mania.  -- Crazy People",
"Advertising is legalized lying.  -- H.G. Wells",
"Advertising majors do it with style.",
"Advertising the fact that Matthew Perry is single and looking is like sending a man walking with a hundred pounds of hamburger strapped to his back through a famine infested country.  -- People",
"Advertising, n.:  The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.  -- Stephen Leacock",
"Aerospace Engineers do it with lift and thrust.",
"Afflictions are good, as every filmmaker knows, because they generate emotion and win Oscars.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Affluence trivializes, excessive affluence trivializes to the absurd.  -- Dren Geer",
"African sun was pure and good.  Never needed a hat, just brotherhood.  -- NWH",
"After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.  -- Freeman Dyson",
"After I threw the bowl of jello at her, she had me arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.",
"After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets awful lonely.  -- David Letterman",
"After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.",
"After all is said and done, much is said and little is done.  -- Olmstead",
"After all is said and done, the human struggle always filters down to substance abuse.  -- Baked Potatoes",
"After all, the purpose of the exercises is to make sure we all have the same definitions... mine.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  -- P. J. O'Rourke",
"After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.",
"After careful analysis I have developed a sophisticated theory to explain the existence of this bizarre workplace behavior: People are idiots.  -- Scott Adams",
"After columnist William Safire called Hillary Clinton a congenital liar, the President conceded that he'd like to punch Safire in the nose.  Can't anybody write about the Clintons without mentioning genitals?",
"After considerable thought, I have concluded that a Ponderance is merely a Rumination dressed up in fancy clothes.  -- Ed Smith",
"After dark all cats are leopards.  -- Native American Proverb",
"After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?",
"After eight years as president I have only two regrets: that I have not shot Henry Clay or hanged John C. Calhoun.  -- Andrew Jackson",
"After five years of playing football, they gave me a college degree.  -- Forrest Gump",
"After heavy lobbying by comedians, House Republicans have voted to keep Newt Gingrich as Speaker.",
"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.  -- Hemant Joshi",
"After my last game... I'll walk off the court and take off one piece of clothing with every step.  Then I'll be at about midcourt, and I'll walk the rest of the way into the locker room nude.  -- Dennis Rodman",
"After reviewing papers for IPPS, I see the appeal of your papers on Infospheres.  At least they have a strong vision.  Now I want to see the next step.  -- John Thornley",
"After surgery, they put me in the expensive care unit.",
"After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself, \"Maybe I'm not meant to be an I.Q.\"  -- Anna Chin-Williams",
"After the beep, leave a brief justification for man's ontological evolution in an existential universe.  -- Reality Bites",
"After the first death, there is no other.  -- Dylan Thomas",
"After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.",
"After working out, I feel like a 20-year old.  Unfortunately there's never one around.",
"After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?",
"Afterism, n.:  A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late (ant. aphorism)",
"Afternoon, n.:  That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.",
"Again with the finger!  -- MST3K",
"Against the assault of humor, nothing can stand.  -- Mark Twain",
"Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.  -- Dorothy Parker",
"Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperament and health.  Some men are born old, and some never grow old.  -- Tryon Edwards",
"Age is mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  -- Dan Ingman",
"Age shouldn't matter unless you are a cheese.",
"Age, n.:  That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit.",
"Agnes' Law:  Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.",
"Agony: Not all pain is gain.  -- www.despair.com",
"Ah ha!  Finally that failure to follow instructions comes back to bite you in the butt.  -- John Dobbin",
"Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.",
"Ah yes, ketchup.  God's other food.  Oddly, it's not wonderful on cranberry sauce.  -- John Dobbin",
"Ah, a meal fit for a king.  Here, King!",
"Ah, argument by profanity.  Very persuasive.  -- Joe Barrera",
"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.  -- Bob Dylan",
"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?  -- Robert Browning",
"Ah, the lesser known, 'I *don't* have a dream' speech.  -- Friends",
"Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, running ... but enough about fall sales at the mall.  -- J. Wagner",
"Ah, yes! I wrote the Purple Cow; I'm sorry now I wrote it!  But I can tell you anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it!  -- Gelett Burgess, The Burgess Nonsense Book (1914)",
"Ah, your flesh-mother used to bring me pudding.  -- Homer Simpson",
"Ahem!  I don't remember us talking on a tape.  Was this done without my knowledge?  That's illegal you know.  -- John Dobbin",
"Aibohphobia, n.:  Fear of palindromes.",
"Aim for the cat, dude!  Aim for a cat!  -- Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey",
"Aim to be fearful when others are greedy and greedy when others are fearful.  -- Warren Buffett",
"Ain't I a stinker?  -- Bugs Bunny",
"Ain't no angel gonna greet me.  It's just you and I, my friend.  I can feel myself fading away.  -- Bruce Springsteen",
"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.  -- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower",
"Air Elementals blow a lot.",
"Air is water with holes in it.",
"Air travel is hours of boredom punctuated by a few brief moments of terror.  -- Charles Lindberg",
"Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.",
"Al Cowlings says he established his 1-900 OJ hotline because he wants to get the truth out.  Truth is, AC is greedy!  Anybody who would call that number must be stupid, and besides... it's always busy.",
"Alan Greenspan is the Jon Postel of the world money market.  -- George Mitchell (george@mvp.com)",
"Alan Lee Stark will spend 25 years to life in prison for stealing four cartons on cigarettes.  He was sentenced under California's new \"three Lucky Strikes and you're out\" law.",
"Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards.",
"Albert Einstein got the \"i before e\" rule wrong twice.",
"Albert's falling on the sun; cracks his head wide-open.  -- Counting Crows",
"Albert's vision is looming out of control.  All his wings are slowly sinking.  -- Counting Crows",
"Alcohol is a slow poison.  But who's in a hurry?  -- Robert Harley",
"Alcoholic, n.:  A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.",
"Alden's Law:  Always be backlit.",
"Alden's Law:  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.",
"Alden's Law:  Sit down whenever possible.",
"Alex Descends into Hell for a Bottle of Milk.  -- U2 B-side title",
"Alex Haley was adopted!",
"Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.",
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.",
"Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.",
"Algorithm may sound like liquored-up Vice President bustin' a move, but it's not.  -- Top 5",
"Alia jacta est. The die is cast.  -- Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon",
"Alice soon came to the conclusion that this was a very difficult game indeed.  -- Lewis Carroll",
"Alienation can be fun.",
"Alimony is paying for something you don't get.",
"Alimony, n.:  Disinterest, compounded annually.  -- Walter McDonald, Dictionary of Quotable Definitions",
"Alimony, n.:  The bounty after the mutiny.  -- Max Kauffmann, Penguin Dictionary of Humorous Quotations",
"Alimony, n.:  The high cost of leaving.",
"All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.",
"All I am saying is, let's try to stretch that fashion dollar.  -- Michael Keaton, Dream Team",
"All I ask for is a tall ship, and a Star to steer her by.",
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.",
"All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.",
"All I can say is, no good deed goes unpunished.  -- Grimm X. Pecktations, in excerpts from a TV debate on high-performance computing in 1994 and the outlook for 1995",
"All I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, and yet again... wonderful.  -- LA Story",
"All I have to say about religion is that if it doesn't make it easier to find disease-free virgins, then it isn't worth the two-hundred brain cells required to practice it.",
"All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave... I would change the polarity of the earth so you're plane wouldn't take off.  -- LA Story",
"All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping dram, lots of paper, a prostitute, and the best portrait painter in England.  -- Blackadder II",
"All I really wanted was for Mac to put the damn dog out, I swear.  -- Lady Macbeth",
"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die...  All I wanna do is have some fun.  I've got the feeling I'm not the only one.  -- Sheryl Crow",
"All I want is a little more than I'll ever get!",
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.  -- Ashleigh Brilliant",
"All I want is food and creative love.  -- Rusted Root",
"All I want to do is graduate from high school, go to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"All I want, to be able to do what I want to do, whenever I want to do it, with whomever I want to do it with and be able to afford it!     I can!...      While money isn't an end itself, it gives one the freedom from most other things.  -- Dave Naas",
"All I'm after is a good time.  All the rest is propaganda.  -- Alec Guinness",
"All Objects are Macroscopic, Invisible, Non-Physical, or otherwise Non-Heisenbergish.",
"All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp.  -- B.B. Franklin",
"All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.  It's an aphrodisiac.  -- Saul Bellow",
"All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.  -- George Orwell",
"All animals love him, for among the beasts he is the most affectionate... his mere presence quickens in the dim awareness of their own highest nature and divine creation.",
"All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.  -- Samuel Butler",
"All are but part of one stupendous whole, whose body nature is, and God the soul...  -- Alexander Pope",
"All around the world... It's the same song.  -- Digital Underground",
"All bleeding eventually stops.  -- Hayden Meeker",
"All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others.  -- Alan Truscott",
"All carry on luggage had to fit in the ass of the person sitting in front of me.  Well, I lost my luggage, but I gained a friend and confidant for life.  -- Dennis Miller",
"All change is not necessarily progress.",
"All children break things.  All children are forgiven.  It's a gift from God.  -- Flirting with Disaster",
"All computers wait at the same speed.",
"All discord, harmony not understood; all partial evil, universal good.  -- Alexander Pope",
"All dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare, most end with the dreamer.",
"All extremists should be taken out and shot.",
"All fashionable vices pass for virtues.  -- Moliere",
"All flames will be absorbed like photons falling in a black hole.",
"All flesh is grass.  -- Isiah...   Smoke a friend today.",
"All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin.  And therefore as a free man, I take pride in the words, Ich bin ein Berlinner.  -- John F. Kennedy",
"All games are built on prophecy.  -- Marian Helsby",
"All generalizations are false.",
"All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened.  -- Ernest Hemingway",
"All great truths begin as blasphemies.  -- G.B. Shaw",
"All grown up and no place to go.  Psych 1, Psych 2 - what do you know?  -- Billy Joel",
"All history is but a romance, unless it is studied as an example.  -- George Croly, 1780-1860",
"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.  -- Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 1948, Article 1",
"All human error is impatience, a premature renunciation of method, a delusive pinning down of a delusion.  -- Franz Kafka",
"All in all you're just another brick in the wall.  -- Pink Floyd",
"All intellectual improvement arises from leisure.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"All landscapes are imaginary.",
"All life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and those born of inward dreamings, and no cause to value the one above the other.  -- HP Lovecraft, The Silver Key",
"All life's answers are on TV.  -- Bart Simpson",
"All looks yellow to a jaundiced eye.  -- Alexander Pope, 1688-1744",
"All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men are equally insane, those of us outside of the asylums just hide it a little better.  -- Stephen King",
"All men are idiots, and I married their King.",
"All men are inherently good.  Women I'm not sure about.  -- John Dobbin",
"All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore all men are Socrates.  -- Woody Allen",
"All men hate to hear \"We need to talk about our relationship.\"  These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men live in abject fear of beautiful women.  All women are beautiful.  Therefore, all men are cowards.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.  Contact me for a list of names.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.  -- Sir Walter Scott",
"All men would still really like to own a train set.  -- Rita Rudner",
"All murderers have a human form.  You have a human form.  Therefore, you are a murderer.",
"All music is folk music.  I ain't heard no horse sing a song.  -- Louis Armstrong",
"All my exes live in Texas.  -- George Strait",
"All my finances were on the computer screen, but it got all screwed up when the dog peed on the socket and blew the fuse.  -- Men's Health, excuse for missing a bill payment",
"All my life I wanted to be someone.  I guess I should have been more specific.  -- Jane Wagner",
"All my life I've worked for other people who made bad decisions.  It was time for me to make some of the bad decisions.  -- Robert X. Cringely",
"All my life, I've been wanting to talk, really talk, but no one wants to listen.  You know what that's like?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"All my stars play their guitars loud Loud LOUD!  -- Replacements",
"All nature is but art, unknown to thee; all chance, direction , which thou canst not see.  -- Alexander Pope",
"All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.",
"All of Microsoft's products are programmed with good intentions, that's why nine out of ten computer users say they would choose to buy our products even if they had a choice.  -- Stale",
"All of life's riddles are answered in the movies.  -- Grand Canyon",
"All of reality is just a blur of Republicans and meat.  -- Zippy the Pinhead",
"All of the world's current population fits in the state of Texas.  Yup, all 6 billion people.  And each gets about 500 square feet (50 square meters approximately) as his/her own chunk.  -- Alex Wieder (tcs@tao.agoron.com)",
"All of this has led me to two conclusions.  1. When I'm thirsty, I gotta trust my gut, and 2. I watch too much TV.  -- Sprite",
"All of us get lost in the darkness; dreamers learn to steer by the stars...  -- Rush",
"All of us learn to write in the second grade.  Most of us go on to greater things.  -- Bobby Knight",
"All other things being equal, fat people use more soap.",
"All our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike... and yet it is the most precious thing we have.  -- Albert Einstein",
"All over the world!  Ooo!  -- MST3K",
"All pain disappears.  It's the nature of my circuitry.  Drowns out all I hear.  No Escape from this.  My new conciousness.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"All phone calls are obscene.  -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon",
"All power corrupts, but we NEED electricity.  -- D.W. Jones",
"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.",
"All religions are hypocritical.  If you think yours isn't, look again.",
"All rumors are true.  Especially if your boss denies them.  -- Dilbert",
"All science is either physics or stamp collecting.  -- E. Rutherford",
"All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.  Keep supplies of them handy at all times.",
"All serious daring starts from within.  -- Eudora Welty",
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.  -- Saint Patrick",
"All standard disclaimers apply: ie, keep your lousy tort feasors to yourself.",
"All stressed out, and no one to choke...",
"All sunshine makes a desert.  -- Arabian proverb",
"All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.",
"All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent.  -- David Brower",
"All television is children's television.  -- Richard P. Adler",
"All that I need to be, I am.",
"All that glitters has a high refractive index.",
"All that glitters isn't gold.  All that doesn't glitter isn't either.",
"All that is gold does not glitter.",
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought;  it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts.  If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.  -- Buddha",
"All that's sacred comes from youth.  -- Pearl Jam",
"All the best people have chest problems and bone diseases.  It's all so terribly romantic!",
"All the clocks in Pulp Fiction are set to 4:20.  -- Baked Potatoes",
"All the easy problems have been solved.",
"All the good ones are taken.  The act of being taken makes them good.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?  All the lonely people, where do they all belong?  -- the Beatles",
"All the loose nuts in America end up in Los Angeles because of the continental tilt.  -- Frank Lloyd Wright",
"All the money, background, prestige... none of it compares with hard work and clean living.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.  -- Dave Barry",
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.",
"All the perfume of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.  -- William Shakespeare, Macbeth V i",
"All the promises we made from the cradle to the grave, when all I want is you.  -- U2",
"All the tactics, you must learn as an adolescent, you must retain: the carefull planning over what to wear, who your friends are, where to \"hang out\", who to date, the general social subterfuge... these things translate into future career environments as well.  -- Tara Morrison",
"All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.  -- Jim Fiebig",
"All the things I really like to do are immoral, illegal, or fattening.  -- Alexander Woollcott",
"All the words of love surround her.  -- Billy Joel",
"All the world is wild at heart and weird on top.  -- David Lynch",
"All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.",
"All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players, performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience outside the gilded cage.  -- Rush",
"All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.  -- Richard P. Feynman",
"All these years of thinking, ended up like this, in front of all this beauty, understanding nothing.  -- Bruce Cockburn",
"All things are green unless they are not.",
"All things are only transitory.  -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe",
"All things are to be examined and called into question.  There are no limits set to thought.  -- Edith Hamilton, The Greek Way",
"All this freaking bicycling is making my perineum sore.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"All this from a species which still gets excited about digital watches.  -- Douglas Adams",
"All this from the man that brought you... beer milk shakes!",
"All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.  Money's just the way we keep score.",
"All those curves, and me with no brakes.",
"All those vodka tonics make it *mighty* damn difficult to focus on the speedometer.  -- Top 5",
"All those who are not racially pure are mere chaff.  -- Adolf Hitler",
"All together now: \"I love GNU finger\" . . .  -- Rajit Manohar",
"All true beauty is analytic.  -- Edgar Allen Poe",
"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.  -- Goethe",
"All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.",
"All we are saying, is give pizza chants.",
"All we are, basically, are monkeys with car keys.  -- Grandma Woody, Northern Exposure",
"All we wish is to be left alone.  -- Jefferson Davis",
"All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth.  -- Aristotle",
"All wish to possess knowledge, but few, comparatively, are willing to pay the price.  -- Juvenal (Roman satirical poet)",
"All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?",
"All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  -- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest",
"All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"All work and no play, will make you a manager.",
"All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do at that time.  -- Arnold Bennett",
"All you do is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.  -- Reality Bites",
"All you do is sponge.  -- Reality Bites",
"All you have to do is make a pile of money, and everyone will think you're a genius.  -- Mitch Kapor",
"All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.",
"All's fear in love and war.",
"Alliance, n.:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.",
"Allow me to sound like Adam for a minute while I apologize for being so quiet lately.  -- John Dobbin",
"Almost everything you need to know about any subject is in the encyclopedia.",
"Alone, adj.:  In bad company.  -- Ambrose Pierce",
"Alright, you got yourself a bet, Mr. Rose!!  -- Top 5",
"Also, I'm pretty sure the guy who was accepting foreign language film did not accidentally call his country \"Bell Jam.\"  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  -- William Safire",
"Also, do you think the person searching for \"Aural\" really means that, or will they be disappointed to get stereo information?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Also, the isa/hasa design flaw shows up in the design of Knapsack.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Although botanically speaking a fruit, in 1893 the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that tomatoes are a vegetable (and thus taxable under the Tariff Act of 1883) because of the way they are usually served.  -- Smithsonian, 8/90",
"Although it's nice to be important, it's important to be nice.  -- Bud Light",
"Although this sentence begins with the word because, it is false.  -- Douglas R Hofstadter",
"Always avoid and eschew pleonastic redundancy.",
"Always avoid meetings with time-wasting morons.  -- Scott Adams",
"Always be ready to give an answer for the faith that is within you.  -- The Book",
"Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.  -- Irene Peter",
"Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He doesn't expect to be paid back.",
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be violent psychopath who knows where you live.  -- John F. Woods ",
"Always do right.  This will gratify some and astonish the rest.  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)",
"Always do what you are afraid to do.",
"Always do what you say you are going to do.  It is the glue and fiber that binds successful relationships.  -- Jeffry A. Timmons, The Entrepreneurial Mind",
"Always draw your curves, then plot the data.",
"Always forgive your enemies.  Nothing annoys them so much.",
"Always glad to share my ignorance.  I've got plenty.",
"Always leave clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.",
"Always pick on the correct idiom.",
"Always presume ignorance before malice.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Always put the important before the merely urgent.",
"Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.",
"Always remember there are certain people who will set their watches by your clock.",
"Always remember, Dogbert is just a small white naked version of Rohit.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that will make your product obselete.  -- Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D",
"Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.",
"Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.",
"Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't.",
"Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer.  -- David Letterman",
"Always try to do things in chronological order; they're less confusing to do that way.",
"Always use tasteful words.  You may have to eat them.",
"Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.",
"Am I a CLOWN?!  Do I AMUSE YOU?!  -- GoodFellas",
"Am I alive, or thoughts I drift away?  Does summer come for everyone?  Can humans do what prophets say?  And if I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake, but half asleep?  -- Primitive Radio Gods",
"Am I alone in the Universe?  Judging by the screaming coming from next door, I'd have to say no.  -- Chris Gahan",
"Am I going to have to come by and personally dust sodium on your toilet paper?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Am I going to have to come by and personally slip leeches in your snapple bottles?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Am I in trouble or something?  Because if I am, I didn't do it.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"Am I right?  Am I wrong?  My God, what have I done?  -- Talking Heads",
"Ambiguous headline:  2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER",
"Ambiguous headline:  ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACE",
"Ambiguous headline:  BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD",
"Ambiguous headline:  CLOCK THIEF FACES TIME",
"Ambiguous headline:  COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY",
"Ambiguous headline:  DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING",
"Ambiguous headline:  DRUNK DRIVERS PAID $1,000 IN 1984",
"Ambiguous headline:  DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE",
"Ambiguous headline:  ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX",
"Ambiguous headline:  EYE DROPS OFF SHELF",
"Ambiguous headline:  FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE",
"Ambiguous headline:  GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE",
"Ambiguous headline:  GREEKS FINE HOOKERS",
"Ambiguous headline:  HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS",
"Ambiguous headline:  HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE",
"Ambiguous headline:  INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES",
"Ambiguous headline:  IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS",
"Ambiguous headline:  IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?",
"Ambiguous headline:  JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT",
"Ambiguous headline:  KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACK",
"Ambiguous headline:  KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS",
"Ambiguous headline:  LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES",
"Ambiguous headline:  LIE DETECTOR TEST UNRELIABLE, UNCONSTITUTIONAL HEARING TOLD",
"Ambiguous headline:  LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT CUT IN HALF",
"Ambiguous headline:  MAN MINUS EAR WAVES HEARING",
"Ambiguous headline:  MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE",
"Ambiguous headline:  MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER",
"Ambiguous headline:  MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM LOVED ONE",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEW STUDY FOR OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP",
"Ambiguous headline:  NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABBIES",
"Ambiguous headline:  NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH",
"Ambiguous headline:  PANDA MATING FAILS - VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER",
"Ambiguous headline:  PLO INVITED TO RAID DEBATES",
"Ambiguous headline:  POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS",
"Ambiguous headline:  PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF",
"Ambiguous headline:  PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE",
"Ambiguous headline:  SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED",
"Ambiguous headline:  SEE THE MAN EATING SHARK!",
"Ambiguous headline:  SEX EDUCATION DELAYED; TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING",
"Ambiguous headline:  SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM",
"Ambiguous headline:  STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE",
"Ambiguous headline:  SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS",
"Ambiguous headline:  TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, JURY HUNG",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER",
"Ambiguous headline:  TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES",
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.  -- Charlie McCarthy",
"Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.",
"America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allowadvertising in its chat rooms.  I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds.  Hey, what's this?  A Pepsi ad?  They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!  -- Jay Leno",
"America has the attention span of a ferret on double espresso.  -- Dennis Miller",
"America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.  -- Arnold Toynbee",
"America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.",
"America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.  -- John O'Hara",
"America will never be invaded.  Our juvenile delinquents are too well armed.",
"America's Madonna/whore complex about the computer and the television.  Televisions are creates that exist solely for fun, bought and sold on the basis of their looks and their ability to entertain.  If they're smart, fine, but their first duty is to amuse us.  Computers, OTOH, are [for the most part] serious machines for serious purposes, and we are loath to view them as playthings.  -- J.C. Herz",
"America's a melting pot.  The people at the bottom get burned and the scum rise to the top...",
"American culture disneyland freakshow screen in your living room, a window for your tomb.  If you can't compare to the world sitting there, repress your insecurities: watch and escape.  Give me artificial, give me superficial, give me a commercial life that can't be bought.  -- Operation Ivy",
"Americans can be quite tyrannical in the defense of democracy.  -- John Irving, _A Prayer for Owen Meany_",
"Americans take much more kindly to a president with blood on his hands than we do to one with other bodily fluids on a dress.",
"Amicus puriae.  Platonic friend.",
"Amid a multitude of projects, no plan is devised.  -- Syrus",
"Amnesia is not knowing who one is and wanting desperately to find out.  Euphoria is not knowing who one is and not caring.  Ecstasy is knowing exactly who one is... and still not caring.  -- Tom Robbins",
"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.",
"Amo, amas, I love a lass, as a cedar tall and slender; sweet cowslip's grace is her nominative case, and she's of the feminine gender!  -- John O'Keefe (1747-1833) in Agreeable Surprise, act II, sc 2.",
"Among animals, it's eat or be eaten.  Among people, it's define or be defined.",
"Among the outlaw spellings that canyon residents have awakened to see were HOLLYWEED, PEROTWOOD, CALTECH and GO NAVY.  -- LA Times",
"Amsterdam is Out.  Iceland is In.",
"Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.",
"An 11 is a 10 who doesn't get headaches.",
"An Age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.  -- Michener, Space",
"An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.",
"An Americanized Asian is disoriented.",
"An Australian lover is like a wombat.  He eats roots, shoots, and leaves.",
"An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.  -- A. P. Herbert",
"An IRS audit is like an autopsy without the benefit of dying.",
"An O.S. that prints PANIC and dies isn't so great.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"An OS originally designed for a microprocessor that modern kitchen appliances would sneer at...  -- Dave Trowbridge, _Computer Technology Review_, Aug 90, on MS-DOS",
"An Oregon man protested his state's lack of dental insurance by pulling his own broken tooth in public. Thank goodness he didn't have hemorrhoids.",
"An adolescent is a youth old enough to dress himself... if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes.",
"An adult is a deteriorated child.",
"An advertisement in the NY Times:  Stop Illiteracy Now.  Learn How To Read.",
"An aide once asked Mohandas K. Gandhi how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.",
"An airplane is the only place where you can't walk out on a dull movie.",
"An amphibian is a land animal who is almost impossible to drown.",
"An angry Dogbert denied that his ego was so big he started a tabloid devoted entirely to himself.  -- Scott Adams",
"An anlogism is a word that isn't a word.  Is anlogism an anlogism?",
"An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.  -- Finley Peter Dunne",
"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.  -- Winston Churchill",
"An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.",
"An archeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.",
"An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.",
"An author ought to write for the youth of his own generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmaster of ever afterwards.  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald",
"An authority is someone who can tell you more about something than you care to know.",
"An earthquake hit the Seattle Kingdome during a ballgame last week.  Final score: Cleveland 6, Seattle 3, God 5.3.",
"An echo speaks every language.",
"An economist is one who knows 200 ways to make love but doesn't know any women.  -- Nick Kessler",
"An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's.  -- Will Rogers",
"An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he'd have someone to look up to.  -- Gene Fowler",
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.",
"An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.",
"An eigenvalue is a unique scalar which when it multiplies an eigenvector, produces a resultant vector equivalent to the operator of the eigen-equation applied to the same eigenvector.  But you already knew that.  -- Ron Resnick",
"An election year is when a lot of politicians get free speech mixed up with cheap talk.",
"An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications.",
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.",
"An emergency situation is just an emergency.  EVERYTHING is a situation.",
"An empty desk is an efficient desk!  -- Brazil",
"An enlightened state is one where the borderlines between the self and the rest of the universe are dissolved.  This would truly be the end of dualism, for as he says, there is no system left which has any desire for perception.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"An epileptic in a lettuce patch is a seizure salad.",
"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.  -- Dr. Alex Comfort",
"An erection is a mysterious thing.  There's always that fear, each time one goes, that you won't be seeing it again.  -- Kirk Douglas",
"An eternity with Beelzebub will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.  -- Blackadder III",
"An evil deed is not redeemed by an evil deed of retaliation.  Justice is never advanced in the tacking of a human life.  Morality is never upheld by a legalized murder.  -- Corretta Scott King",
"An excellent name for a band would be: The Bones of Contention.  -- Dave Barry",
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.  -- Neils Bohr",
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.",
"An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them.  -- Werner Heisenberg",
"An extraordinary pilot uses his or her extraordinary judgement to avoid having to use his or her extraordinary skills.",
"An eye for an eye makes the world blind.  -- Gandhi",
"An honest man is someone who hasn't had a good enough offer.  -- Misguided debutante in Pharlap",
"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.",
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.",
"An idealist believes the short run doesn't count.  A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter.  A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run.  -- Sydney J. Harris",
"An idle mind is worth two in the bush.",
"An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning over and converting its opponents; it rarely happens that Saul becomes Paul.  What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out and that the growing generation is familiarized with the idea from the beginning.  -- Max Planck",
"An individual has to find what electrifies and enlivens his own heart, and wakes him.  -- Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey",
"An inefficient, excessive amount of speed accelerates the possibility of creating loss.",
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.  -- Konrad Adenauer",
"An ingrate bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.",
"An injury is much sooner forgiven than an insult.  -- Earl of Chesterfield",
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.  -- Camus",
"An intelligence test often shows how smart one would have been not to take it.",
"An interviewer asked Victor Borge if he played any other musical instruments.  \"Well, yes, I have another piano.\"",
"An object model and technology that a) runs over HTTP, b) allows methods to be written in multiple programming and scripting languages, c) storage of the state and behavior independently at different places around the net, d) dyanmic switching, declaration, polymorphism, inheritance, e) decentralized tracking, control, versioning, composition, f) lightweight and componentized, g) fail-safe, h) fast, i) embedded, built-in networking, j) embedded built-in access control, k) reflexive, i.e. has the means to reason about itself and adapt, including distributed annotation and rationale, including adaptive interaces i) mobile, l) better than having sex in the backseat of an Abrahm's Battle tank, i.e. better than f-ing with than CORBA.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"An old spinster was asked what she liked most in men.  \"Appearance,\" she replied, \"and the sooner, the better.\"",
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt.  -- a saying at RPI",
"An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience.  -- Don Marquis",
"An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.",
"An optimist thinks we live in the best possible world.  A pessimist fears this is true.",
"An orgasm is just a reflex like a sneeze.  -- Dr. Ruth Westheimer",
"An orgy is a party where everyone comes.",
"An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.",
"An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.",
"An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.  -- John Junor",
"An ounce of mother us worth a pound of clergy.  -- Spanish proverb",
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.",
"An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.",
"An overwhelming apathy among the middle & lower classes.  The rich getting richer.  The poor getting poorer.  Death, and of course, taxes.",
"An oyster is a fish built like a nut.",
"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy",
"An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.",
"An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun.  -- Gail Thackeray, Arizona Assistant State Attorney",
"An unusual freeway shooting incident occurred on I-205 where one driver shot at another with a bow and arrow.  -- Portland Oregonian, 3/23/93",
"Anabasis, n.:  1. An advance; an expedition.  2. A large-scale military advance.",
"Anagram:  Clint Eastwood = Old West Action",
"Anagram:  Western Union = no wire unsent",
"Anagram:  animosity = is no amity",
"Anagram:  astronomers = moon-starers",
"Anagram:  conversation = voices rant on",
"Anagram:  desperation = a rope ends it",
"Anagram:  dormitory = dirty room",
"Anagram:  evangelists = evil's agent",
"Anagram:  funeral = real fun",
"Anagram:  the country side = no city dust here",
"Anagram:  the morse code = here come dots",
"Anal expulsive... slurp and burp... -- Dan Connolly",
"Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.",
"Analysis of the pattern of US military interventions:  If you take the first letters of Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua, and Somalia, it spells ELVIS _S KING.  That's why we're not sending troops to Zaire, we need another \"I\" country.",
"Analysts say that General Colin Powell would be a very popular presidential candidate because no one knows exactly where he stands on the issues.  Don't we already have a president like that?",
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog.  Few people are interested, and the frog dies because of it.",
"Anarchists of the world unite!",
"Anarchy begins at the home, but it doesn't have to end there.",
"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.",
"Anarchy means having to put up with things that really piss you off.",
"Anarchy sounds good to me, then someone asks, Who'd fix the sewers?  Would the rednecks just play King of the Neighborhood?  -- Dead Kennedys",
"Anarchy: it's not the law, it's just a good idea.",
"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?  -- Will Rogers",
"And Dijkstra was pleased with the world.  And on the seventh day Dijkstra rested.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"And God said, let there be light.  BUD light!",
"And God said: E = Amv^2 - Ze^2/r ...and there WAS light!",
"And God thought the earth was pretty cool, but still no naked chicks, so he made one.  And a naked dude, too.  -- Beavis and Butt-head",
"And I feel it like a sickness, how this love is killing me, but I'd walk in to the fingers of your fire willingly, and dance the edge of sanity, I've never been this close.  -- Indigo Girls",
"And I have the firm belief in this now, not only in terms of my own experience but in knowing about the experience of others, that when you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there were going to be doors and where there wouldn't be a door for anybody else.  -- Joseph Campbell",
"And I must be an acrobat to talk like this and act like that.  -- U2",
"And I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun.  -- Nirvana, Come as you are",
"And I thought phrenology with a ball peen hammer was a dying art!",
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.",
"And I'd've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't've been for those meddling kids...",
"And I'll lie for you as I die for you, the pain in my heart it is real.  And I'll tell you how I feel inside, the pain in my heart is for you.  -- Candlebox",
"And I'll smile and I'll learn to pretend, and I'll never be open again, and I'll have no more dreams to defend...  -- Kevin Moore",
"And I'm gonna be 40!  (When?)  Someday... (In EIGHT YEARS.)  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"And I'm having a wonderful time but I'd rather be whistling in the dark.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"And I'm not sorry.  It's human nature.  -- Madonna",
"And Jesus sayethed from the cross, \"Well maybe I wouldn't HAVE to die if somebody would get a LADDER and a pair of PLIERS!\"  -- Sam Kinison",
"And Rohit, once you become the emotional tampon to one, you get to listen to every f-ing detail.  -- Adam Rifkin", 
"And Time, a maniac scattering dust, and Life, a fury slinging flame.  -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson",
"And Znow a Zima tazte tezt.  Tazte like zhit.  -- Kevin Nealon",
"And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship Him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.  -- Revelation 13:8",
"And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be.  -- Roger Waters",
"And as regards unwed mothers... there's a game called 'Jewels in the Crown' that young black males have, and its how many children you can sire outside of wedlock.  You can't legislate against that.  -- Christie Whitman",
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular.  -- Sidra, Seinfeld",
"And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us.  (By \"they\" I mean \"computers\"; I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us).  -- Dave Barry",
"And death walks, grinning, in the parade.  -- T.S. Eliot",
"And don't discount the lure of money.  I wouldn't mind having a few more airplanes.  -- Robert X. Cringely",
"And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.",
"And he disappeared in a puff of logic.",
"And here I sit so patiently, trying to find out what price, You have to pay to get out of going through all these things twice.  -- Bob Dylan",
"And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...",
"And if you fool yourself, you will make Him happy.  You really are illogical.  -- Nirvana",
"And if you put Saturn in a bucket of water, it would float.  ...but you wouldn't want to do that!  It would leave a ring!  And leave you with a Titanic clean-up job to do.",
"And if you save yourself, you will make Him happy.  -- Nirvana, Verse Chorus Verse",
"And in the other corner, you could count down to the end of the year.  And in another corner, you could count down to the millennium.  And in yet another corner, you could count up from the previous millennium.  Unfortunately, my Dilbert desk calendar has DILBERT by Scott Adams in the corner, which throws off all my plans.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"And in the refrigerator 100 meter finals, the cabbage is ahead.  I don't think the tomato will be able to ketchup.",
"And it wasn't me who punched the hole in at the West German protest march.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"And life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.  -- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan",
"And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.  -- A. E. Housman",
"And my heaven will be a big hell, and I will walk through the front door.  -- Peter Gabriel",
"And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.  -- Scott Adams",
"And now Red in the Silent Spot.  -- Red Skelton",
"And now for something completely different... a man with three buttocks.  -- Monty Python",
"And now the poets down here don't write nothing at all, they just stand back and let it all be.  -- Bruce Springsteen",
"And now, dear reader, at the end, just fourteen more words:  Thank you for spending time with us.  Do good and be wise.  Surprise us.  -- Doug Clapp, Macintosh Reader",
"And now, for Bonking with Barbie...",
"And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled... -- Monty Python",
"And now, you're a coat-rack.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"And numbers grabbed out of the ass of one Adam Rifkin.  -- John Dobbin",
"And of all the sacraments and of all the sins, the greatest of these is love.  -- Michael Malone",
"And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.",
"And remember that at the end of the day this is just an ant farm with beepers...  -- Dennis Miller",
"And remember, the Bat Signal is =not= a beeper.  -- Thugzilla",
"And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.  -- Douglas Adams, THHGTTG",
"And so you see I have come to doubt all that I once held as true I stand alone without beliefs the only truth I know is you.  -- Paul Simon",
"And so, standing before [the parson], the two swore that at every other time of their lives till death took them, they would assuredly believe, feel, and desire precisely as they had believed, felt, and desired during the few preceding weeks.  What was as remarkable as the undertaking itself was the fact that nobody seemed at all surprised at what they swore.  -- Thomas Hardy, _Jude the Obscure_",
"And someday if your dreams are leaving you, I'll still believe in you...  -- Billy Joel",
"And the doctor said, 'Rectum?  It nearly killed him.'  -- Butt-head",
"And the man in the suit has just bought a new car with the profit he made on your dreams...  -- Traffic, Low Spark of High Heeled Boys",
"And the sign says Long Haired Freaky People Need Not Apply.  So I tucked my hair up under my hat, and I went in to ask him why.  He said you look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do.  So I took off my hat and said imagine that, me working for you.  -- Five Man Acoustical Band",
"And the sky was made of amethysts, and all the stars are just like little fish.  -- Hole",
"And the strange flavour of AI work is that people try to put together long sets of rules in strict formalisms which tell inflexible machines how to be flexible.  -- Douglas Hofstadter",
"And then I said that while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in the classical sense, you are beautiful with a kind of a delicate grace.  And that's, that's when you started yelling.  -- Friends",
"And then she said, \"If I've got to be someone else, I'd rather be somebody else with you,\" and that's exactly how I felt.  -- Adorable",
"And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.",
"And there was grandma, swingin' on the outhouse door, without a shirt on.",
"And there, on the door handle, was a HOOK!  -- MST3K",
"And therefore, the universe is unstable and we all died a long time ago.  -- Physics proof",
"And this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost.  He who accepts it has already begun to find himself to be on firm ground.  -- Jose' Ortega y Gasset",
"And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.",
"And we discover yet another talent: posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.  -- Seinfeld",
"And we put a little sand in it to make the experience a little more pleasant.  -- Hudsucker Proxy",
"And what IS bluffing?  Is it not another word for LYING?  -- Friends",
"And what about your patent disregard for Beavis?  Do you not care a rat's ass about the safety of your closest companion?  -- Buzzcut",
"And what are cat diapers called?  PamPurrs?",
"And when the G in english changed to a W, a guarantee became a warranty.",
"And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts.  -- Ian Frazier, Atlantic Monthly, 2/97",
"And when you gaze into an abyss for a long time, the abyss also gazes into you.  -- Nietzsche",
"And when you kill a man, you're a murderer.  Kill many, and you're a conqueror.  Kill them all... Oh... Oh you're a god!  -- Megadeth",
"And why do they call them apartments if they are all stuck together?",
"And with a needle in his vein, he knew he could not explain, just what it all means.  -- Jellyfish",
"And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the baddest sonofabitch in the valley.",
"And you can analyze this situation.  To me it's all just mental masturbation.  -- Sammy Hagar, There's only one way to rock",
"And you may ask yourself, well... How did I get here?  And you may ask yourself, ``How do I work this?''  And you may ask yourself, ``Where is that large automobile?''  And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house!  -- Talking Heads",
"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.  -- the Beatles",
"And, spite of pride, in erring reason's spite, one truth is clear: Whatever is, was meant to be.",
"Andrew Lloyd Webber came up with the grand idea of having this history lesson sung to us.  Thanks.  Maybe you could scribe the text into my forehead with a blowtorch while you're at it.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Anfractuous, adj.:  Full of twists and turns; tortuous.",
"Angela has no friends or neighbors who can identify her, because for four years she has lived entirely on the Internet.  -- Caryn James reviewing The Net",
"Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.",
"Angels we have heard on high tell us to go out and buy.  -- Tom Lehrer",
"Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.  -- H.G. Bohn",
"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.",
"Angry voters in a number of states also voted overwhelmingly to impose term limits on members of Congress, apparently because there was no way to vote for putting them directly in jail.  -- Dave Barry",
"Animals vill be bred und SLAUGHTERED!  -- Dr. Strangelove",
"Ankh if you love Isis!",
"Anoint, v.:  To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Anomalous, adj.:  1. Deviating from the normal or common order, form, or rule.  2. Equivocal, as in classification or nature.",
"Another Month Ends.  All Targets Met. All Systems Working.  All Customers Satisfied.  All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic.  All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly.",
"Another angel just got his wings.",
"Another basement, another elevator.  How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?  -- Die Hard 2",
"Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!",
"Another day, another 68 cents after taxes.",
"Another drink would make me feel much worse.  But maybe that's just what I need...  -- School of Fish",
"Another fine product from Bastards Inc.",
"Another genius foiled by an incapable assistant.  -- Calvin",
"Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.",
"Another improvement that we made was that we built our gas chambers to accommodate two thousand people at one time.  -- Rudolf Hoess",
"Another megabytes the dust.",
"Another of my favorite internal paradoxes: Don't ask anyone out because they're surely taken, but if they're not taken don't ask them out because there must be something wrong with her.  -- John Dobbin",
"Another person's secret is like another person's money:  You are not as careful with it as you are with your own.  -- E.W. Howe",
"Another sign of the times.  Arnold's tromping around praying for the earth to save itself and Ms. Davis and Ms. Sarandon are drinking and shooting and screwing their way all over the macho west.  -- Denis Leary",
"Another study, in North Carolina, revealed that 13.5% of the high school students there have had sex with a teacher.",
"Another way of expressing the same idea is to say that the user views the system as a 'virtual uniprocessor', not as a collection of distinct machines.  This is easier said than done.  -- Tanenbaum and van Renesse, Computing Surveys v17n4",
"Another world record set in the Goodwill Games:  Nobody watched them today either.  -- Jay Leno",
"Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and then rejected it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.  -- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism",
"Answers: $1 ; for Correct answers: $5 ; for Dumb looks: FREE",
"Anthony's Law of Force:  Don't force it; get a larger hammer.",
"Anthony's Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.",
"Anti-Anthropomorphists of the world unite!  We have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity.",
"Anti-paranoia is the eerie feeling that nothing is connected to anything else.",
"Anticipatory plagiarism occurs when someone steals your original idea and publishes it a hundred years before you were born.  -- Robert Merton",
"Antidisestablishmentarianism!",
"Antigravity technology.  We stole it from the Nazis at the end of WW2.  We've been on Mars since 1962.  -- Slacker",
"Antisesquipedalian, adj.:  Opposed to the use of large words.",
"Antonym, n.:  The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.",
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.  If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.  -- Arthur Somers Roche",
"Anxiety is fear of one's self.  -- Wilhelm Stekel",
"Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.  -- Dean Inge",
"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.  -- Soren Kierkegaard",
"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.  -- Gore Vidal",
"Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance efficiency is indistinguishable from its predecessor.",
"Any clod can have facts, but having opinions is an art.  -- Charles McCabe",
"Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.",
"Any creature encountered should be presumed hostile until proven helpful.",
"Any deviation will result in termination.  -- The Management",
"Any eight-year old could do it -- with twenty years' practice.  -- Green Arrow",
"Any excuse to wear a sword is a good excuse.",
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant.  -- Aesop",
"Any fool can be fussy and rid himself of energy all over the place, but a man has to have something in him before he can settle down to do nothing.  -- J.B. Priestley",
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain. And most do.",
"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.",
"Any fool with money can have a Mercedes, but few can have taste.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Any given program will expand to fill all available memory plus 1K.",
"Any given program, once running, is obsolete.",
"Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented.  -- Scott Adams, Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business",
"Any husband who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to a very clever woman.",
"Any idea how hard it is to get something declared obscene in a court of law?  -- John Dobbin",
"Any idiot can face a crisis.  It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.  -- Anton Chekhov",
"Any man who can get caught with a hooker one week and appear on the cover of Time with his forgiving wife the next week has what we in Los Angeles call \"good people skills.\"  -- A. Hamilton, on U.S. President Clinton's disgraced advisor Dick Morris",
"Any man who doesn't love dogs is not a man.  (For the record, poodles and their ilk aren't dogs.  And snausages aren't sausages either.)  -- Richard Goodman",
"Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.",
"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind.  Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls.  It tolls for thee.  -- John Donne",
"Any movie with 'wok-a-chicka wok-a-chicka' in it is okay by me.  -- Tom Servo, MST3K",
"Any nitwit can understand computers.  Many do.  -- Ted Nelson",
"Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.  -- Sydney J. Harris",
"Any political group that bashes the poor is neither religious nor right.  -- Barbara Reynolds",
"Any problem when looked at the right way can become still more complicated.",
"Any real progress takes time and patience and effort.  You are making real strides.  Don't curse yourself because you're not yet where you want to be; praise yourself that you are on the right path to get there.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Any show with that many cheerleaders in it can't be all bad, right?  -- John Dobbin",
"Any sin or repudiation against the mother is punished by banishment from the community.  -- Ancient Babylonian law",
"Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.",
"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.  -- Kulawiec",
"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.",
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.",
"Any sufficiently repeatable miracle is indistinguishable from mundane technology.  -- Joe Barrera",
"Any task can be completed in only 1/3 more time than is currently estimated.",
"Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.",
"Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from a Perl script.",
"Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.  -- Johnny Carson",
"Any time is the right time for an explosion.  -- Butt-head",
"Any tool should be useful in the expected way, but a *great* tool lends itself to uses you never expected.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.",
"Any verbose and tedious solution is error-prone because programmers get bored.  -- Bjarne Stroustrup",
"Any wire cut to length will be too short.",
"Anybody can become angry - that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and is not easy.  -- Aristotle",
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.",
"Anybody going into boxing already has brain damage.  -- George Foreman, when asked whether he worries about brain damage",
"Anybody not wearing 2000000 sunblock's gonna have a REALLY bad day.  -- Sarah Connor",
"Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.",
"Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.",
"Anybody who's spent any time with machines at all, and baby, that's us all, knows first and foremost there's only one thing certain about them, computer or bicycle.  They go wrong.  -- Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses",
"Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.",
"Anyone can become ANGRY.  That is easy.  But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way.  That is not easy.  -- Aristotle",
"Anyone can chug beeya, but it takes real guts to chug MOXIE!",
"Anyone can hate.  It costs to love.  -- John Williamson",
"Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.  -- Pubilius Syrus",
"Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.",
"Anyone can steer a ship while the sea is calm.",
"Anyone can stop smoking.  It takes a real man to deal with lung cancer.",
"Anyone have a coat hanger?  My brain itches.",
"Anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.",
"Anyone needing documentation to the kernel functions probably shouldn't be using them.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear boots, bathe, and not make messes in the house.  -- Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love",
"Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.  -- Robert Heinlein",
"Anyone who corrects all his mistakes is probably writing his memoirs.",
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.  -- Douglas Adams",
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.  -- Groucho Marx",
"Anyone who slaps a \"this page is best viewed with Browser X\" label on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another computer, another word processor, or another network.  -- Tim Berners-Lee",
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at 20 or 80.  Anyone who keeps learning stays young.  The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.  -- Henry Ford",
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.",
"Anyone with an active mind lives on tentatives rather than tenets.",
"Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches.  -- Joe Ryan",
"Anything but history, for history must be false.  -- Sir Robert Walpole",
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it.",
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.",
"Anything is possible if you have no idea what you are talking about.",
"Anything is possible, but only a few things actually happen.  -- Rich Rosen",
"Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.",
"Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.",
"Anything preying on your mind would starve to death.",
"Anything styrical onyour mind?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them well.",
"Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.",
"Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.",
"Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is a good thing.  -- Clueless",
"Anything you do can get you shot.  This includes doing nothing.",
"Anyway, you know, after work I figured I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to *woo* her.  -- Friends",
"Apathy on the individual level translates to insanity on the mass level.  -- Douglas Hofstadter",
"Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.  -- www.despair.com",
"Aperi os tuum muto, et causis omnium filiorum qui pertranseunt.  Aperi os tuum, decerne quod justum est, et judica inopem et pauperem.  -- Liber Proverbiorum  XXXI: 8-9",
"Apocalipstick, n.:  What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.",
"Apocalypse now... or your money back!",
"Apparently part of the contest is getting a response out to them.  -- John Dobbin",
"Apparently the Amazing Screenwriting Mom has learned the fine art of plot editing with that most useful of tools, the Nerf Knife.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Apple (c) 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.",
"Apple (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve",
"Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.  -- Top 5",
"Apple's recalled its new top-of-the-line laptops after two of the models burst into flames at the company's headquarters.  -- Educom",
"Apple:  so much passion, so few sales.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement.",
"Applications Programming Department - Mistakes Made While You Wait.",
"Aquadextrous, sniglet:  Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.",
"Arbitrary cutoffs are so... arbitrary!  -- Ari Rapkin",
"Arbitrary systems, n. pl.:  Systems about which nothing general can be said, save \"nothing general can be said.\"",
"Archaelolgists do it in the dirt.",
"Archduke Ferdinand found alive -- First World War a mistake!",
"Archeologists date anything!",
"Architecture is petrified music.  -- Goethe",
"Are Cheerios the seeds for donuts?",
"Are critics of Hamlet really mad, or just pretending to be mad?",
"Are the Amish really known for their noodles?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Are the Democrats gonna be dancing the mandate macarena tonight?  -- Dan Rather",
"Are the hell fires a-glowing?  Is the reaper a-mowing?  So the danger must be growing!  -- Willy Wonka",
"Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?",
"Are they made out of real Girl Scouts?  -- Wednesday Addams",
"Are we having fun yet?",
"Are we the X's or the O's?  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Are you Hootie?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Are you a pleasant mother pheasant plucker?",
"Are you a turtle?",
"Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a pretty face?  Here's a man who will treat you well regardless of your personality.",
"Are you as cool as you believe?  -- New Order",
"Are you for real, or has someone switched you with a pod from the planet Bimbo?  And if so, are there more like you?  -- Married with Children",
"Are you from Indiana?  Okay, I'll speak very slowly.  -- David Letterman",
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?",
"Are you going to do something, or are you just going to stand there and bleed?  -- Tombstone",
"Are you gonna bark, or are you gonna bite?  --Mr. Blonde, Reservoir Dogs",
"Are you grading now?  Waiting for a more favorable alignment of the stars?  -- Berna Massingill",
"Are you in or are you out?  It's not show friends, it's show business.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Are you kidding?  I love museums.  Of course, nothing beats a good nap.  -- Seinfeld",
"Are you known for your work in the theater?  -- What's My Line?",
"Are you looking for secrets?  Is that what this is all about?  Well, maybe I can help you.  Do you know what the ultimate secret is?  Do you want to know?  Laura did.  The secret of knowing who killed you...  -- Harold Smith",
"Are you looking to drive my dreams?  You here to route my schemes?  -- REM",
"Are you man or mouse?  Squeak up!",
"Are you nuts?  I really wasn't planning on giving a talk to some Armenian computer science group, were you?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Are you ready?  Are you ready for this?  Are you hanging on the edge of your seat?  Out of the doorway, the bullets rip...  -- Queen",
"Are you saying I could be dating this hair?  -- Elaine, on Seinfeld",
"Are you sick?  Be patient.",
"Are you sitting comfortably?  -- Monty Python",
"Are you tellin' me Mr. Zero knew?  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Are you threatening me?  -- Beavis as Cornholio",
"Are you using the whole fist, Doc?  -- Fletch",
"Aren't there any sicknesses that aren't depressing?  Downer!  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Aren't you at least a little curious what a sushi eraser looks like?  -- John Dobbin",
"Aren't you glad Bill Clinton isn't the father of our country?  On Presidents' Day we'd be eating cheeseburger pie.",
"Argue for your limitations and, sure enough, they're yours.  -- Illusions",
"Argue hard enough for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours.  -- Richard Bach",
"Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with Brie.",
"Arguing with a person's faith is like chasing them around a parking lot.  You can keep backing them up and backing them up, but you'll never actually corner them.  -- G.M. Weilacher",
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.  -- Kehlog Albran",
"Arithmetic is being able to count up to 20 without taking off your shoes.  -- Mickey Mouse",
"Armadillo, v.:  To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.",
"Armaments, universal debt and planned obsolescence... those are the three pillars of Western Philosophy.  -- Aldous Huxley",
"Army Axiom:  An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.",
"Army Law:  If it moves, salute it.  If it doesn't move, paint it.",
"Arnold Schwarzenneger has a long one, Michael J. Fox has a short one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope doesn't use his any more.  It's a last name.",
"Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?  -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sep 82",
"Arrgghh!  I need a CD player with a \"loop\" feature so I can play \"Kick Him When He's Down\" indefinitely!  -- Robert Harley",
"Arsonists do it with fire.",
"Arsonists of the world, ignite!",
"Art deals with the needs, the refueling - of man's conciseness.  -- Ann Rand, Philosophy: Who needs it?",
"Art doesn't have to match the couch.  -- Penny Pennington",
"Art flourishes where there is a sense of adventure.  -- Alfred North Whitehead",
"Art forms I'd not like to see #332:  Rap opera",
"Art is a hammer, not a mirror.",
"Art is a lie by witch you tell the truth.  -- Pablo Picasso",
"Art is a moral passion married to entertainment.  Moral passion without entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without moral passion is television.  -- Rita Mae Brown",
"Art is anything you can get away with.  -- Marshall McLuhan",
"Art is either a plagiarist or a revolutionist.  -- Paul Gaugin, Pathos of Distance",
"Art is experimental, or it isn't art.",
"Art is much less important than life, but what a poor life without it.  -- Robert Motherwell",
"Art off.  OK, I want channels 18, 24, 63, 109, 87, and the weather channel.",
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere.  -- Gilbert Keith Chesterton",
"Articles on Aristotle?  Who's this Artiklees fellow?",
"Artificial Insemination, n.:  Copulation without representation.",
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.",
"Artificial Intelligence, n.:  The other guy's opinion.",
"Artificial Intelligence?  I'll be impressed when they come up with artificial CUNNING.",
"Artists are born.  That's the problem.",
"Artists do it with creativity.",
"As Camille Paglia's success has demonstrated, what is most marketable is absolutism and attitude undiluted by thought.  -- Wendy Kaminer, Atlantic Monthly, 10/95",
"As Henry VIII said to his wife, I won't keep you long.  -- Ronald Reagan",
"As I grow older and older, and totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less who goes to bed with whom.  -- Dorothy L. Sayers",
"As I went walking, I saw a sign there; on the sign it said 'No Trespassing.'  But on the other side it didn't say nothing; that side was made for you and me!  -- Woody Guthrie, This Land Is Your Land",
"As Will Rogers would have said, \"There is no such things as a free variable.\"",
"As X approaches infinity, X gets pretty damn big.",
"As Zeus said to Narcissus, \"Watch yourself.\"",
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.",
"As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.  -- Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert, on the ending of competing strip Calvin & Hobbes",
"As a former foetus, I oppose abortion!",
"As a fruit ripening in season, your subjectivity and objectivity naturally become one.  It is like a dumb man who has had a dream.  He knows about it but he cannot tell it.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.  -- From A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide",
"As a husband and wife are getting into bed, the husband hands the wife a couple of aspirin.  She says, \"What's this for?  I don't have a headache.\"",
"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he.  -- Eddie Vedder",
"As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.  -- Calvin",
"As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.",
"As a member of Fodder Muckers, why don't I recall us releasing this?  -- John Dobbin",
"As a mother, I'm responsible for everything that enters and leaves my refrigerator.  -- Hal Sirowitz, from his poem A Snowball in August in the collection Mother Said",
"As a person of faith, I am bound by a different covenant than she.  But our goal is one and the same: the pursuit of truth.  -- Contact",
"As a sex joke, I think \"microsoft\" says it all.  -- Rae McLellan",
"As an economist, I refuse to believe in your altruism.  There's some double-ledger accounting going on here, but you're definitely getting SOMETHING in return for your selflessness.  -- Rohit Khare",
"As an old fart, I'm well aware that life is always changing and destiny may bring us back together.  -- Ira Hata",
"As close to a man as you can come without shaving your palms.  -- Blackadder IV",
"As cunning as a fox who's just been named professor of cunning at Oxford University?  -- Blackadder IV",
"As everyone watches the Jupiter coverage, OJ Simpson quietly tiptoes out of the country.  -- Top 5",
"As executive director of the Bureau of Consumer Alarm, I am always on the alert for news stories that involve two key elements:  1. Fire.  2. Barbie.  -- Dave Barry",
"As far as I can see he only has one disadvantage over the other guys... they all have jobs.  Therefore I don't believe he'll need any tricks to catch Kristy.  -- Steve Bondi",
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not concern reality.  -- Albert Einstein",
"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.  -- C.G. Jung",
"As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.  -- Weisert",
"As for emotions, just always assume that I'm angry, disappointed, confused, curious, mischeivous, sad, excited, scared or happy.  Does that help?  -- Steve Bondi",
"As for religion, literally, I'm in a corner case between Hinduism (duty, fate, static world) and 'Americanism' (individual destiny, change the world). I haven't reconciled determinism and free will.  I feel it is my *duty* to excel individually and change the world in exchange for all the blessings of my circumstances.  I am not lucky to have the power and gifts I have; I am due to push myself to the edge.  -- Rohit Khare",
"As genitals to wanton boys are we to the gods.  They play with us for sport.  -- Blackadder II",
"As good as the usual black-cube multi-story office building does when sticking out like a sore thumb on a skyline of skiffs.  -- Rohit Khare",
"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.  -- H.D. Thoreau",
"As in life nothing is perfect, wanna keep this little motherfucking OS jihad going?  -- Tim Byars",
"As it is more blessed to give than receive, so it must be more blessed to receive than to give back.  -- Robert Frost",
"As long as people masturbate, fart, and take dumps, people will listen to my show.  -- Howard Stern",
"As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?",
"As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.  When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"As long as we're going insane, we might as well go the whole way.  A mere shred of sanity is of no value.",
"As long as you can feel confused, then you know your mind is free.  -- Norman Spinrad",
"As long as you don't think I'm piecewise differentiable, we'll get along okay.  -- Ari Rapkin",
"As long as you have a keyboard, you have the key.  -- Persephone Silverthorn",
"As much as I definitely enjoy solitude, I wouldn't mind perhaps, spending little time with you.. sometimes... sometimes.  -- Bjork",
"As ocean depth increases, temperature decreases.  The speed of sound decreases to a certain depth, then increases, offsetting the temperature decrease, until equilibrium is established and nothing has changed.  In this way, ocean depth is much like political or economic progress.  Much changes for a while, but in the long run, everything is the same and you're in a little deeper.  -- Dr. Science",
"As opposed to the Jewish Pope, slightly less well-known, who doesn't even rate a Popemobile.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"As part of the Olympic bombing investigation, the FBI has assembled over 4,600 photographs taken at Centennial Park.  Amazingly, all of them show OJ Simpson wearing Bruno Magli shoes.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs, a process that traditionally requires some debugging.  -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switch over to a new computer system.",
"As president, do you think you can get me Batman's autograph?  -- David Letterman",
"As private parts to the Gods, are we, they play with us for their sport.  -- Lord Melchett",
"As romantic as the sound of hogs being butchered.  -- Truman Capote, describing James Thurber and girlfriend making love",
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.  -- Josh Billings",
"As seen on the wall in a boardroom:  Intelligence is no substitute for information.  Enthusiasm is no substitute for capacity.  Willingness is no substitute for experience.  Hand written in under the last line:  A meeting is no substitute for progress.",
"As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.",
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.  -- Groucho Marx",
"As soon as I'm finished dying, I'm gonna go out and DO SOMETHING with my life.",
"As soon as I've finished this, I shall recommend they ban it.  -- Tony Hancock",
"As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.",
"As soon as we get good at handling the impossible, it becomes part of our job description.  -- Colonel Egan, USMC",
"As soon as you perceive an object, you draw a line between it and the rest of the world; you divide the world, artificially, into parts, and you thereby miss the Way.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"As sure as you can steer a train you can change your fate.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.  -- Jack Handey",
"As the most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet deserves the highest protection from government intrusion.  -- Judge Dalzell, CDA panel",
"As the poet said, \"Only God can make a tree.\"  Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.  -- Woody Allen",
"As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in computer maintenance.",
"As they say in my country, the only thing that separates us from the animals are mindless superstition and pointless ritual.  -- Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman), Taxi",
"As three laws were good enough for Newton, I have modestly decided to stop there.  -- Arthur C. Clarke",
"As time approaches zero, work approaches infinity.",
"As to the difference between the Unabomber and Colin Powell, allow me to quote from that never-ending source of wisdom: Megadeth lyrics.  -- Robert Harley",
"As usual, I think they are discussing things in terms of a specific implementation without the context of well-defined terms.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"As we acquire more knowldege, things do not become more comprehensible, but more mysterious.  -- Albert Schweitzer",
"As we ascend the social ladder, viciousness wears a thicker mask.  -- Erich Fromm",
"As we debate this bill, the sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's box.  -- member of New York City Council",
"As we rehearsed, poetry first, sausage later.  -- Blackadder III",
"As we say in Texas, \"[deity] willing and the creek don't rise\"...  -- Berna Massingill",
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity.",
"As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.",
"As you might have already noticed, there's a problem of defining our audience; at times it's very basic and preachy and tutorial; other times it's just on the edge of a sophisticated error.  -- Rohit Khare",
"As you ramble through life, brother, no matter what your goal, keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.  -- Murray Banks",
"As you wish.  -- Princess Bride",
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.  What's important is that you continue to do so.  -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney",
"As... no, ins... no, pers... no ex - piring writer.",
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, it's better to burn out than turn to rust.",
"Ask 5 economists and you'll get 5 different explanations.  6 if one went to Harvard.  -- Edgar R. Fielder",
"Ask anything... not too personal... that's none of your business.  -- Billy Joel",
"Ask me about PWC (parents without camcorders) chapters near you.",
"Ask me sometime about my vow of silence.",
"Ask me what is on the bracelet I wear on my right wrist next time you see me, and I'll make the appropriate noises.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Ask not what I can do for you.  Ask what you can do for me.  -- Jerry Seinfeld",
"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country is doing to you.",
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for your country.  -- Marcus Tullius Cecero, Roman orator and statesman, 63 B.C.",
"Asked about his philosophy of life, President Harry S Truman, a farmboy at heart, replied, \"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.\"  -- Merle Miller",
"Asking him for a certain level of complexity would be like asking a bison to crap silver dollars.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.",
"Asking me about analogies is like... okay, I may be the wrong man to ask.  -- John Laroquette",
"Asking the question 'Why?' is like pulling one leg off a centipede.  It gets you nowhere.  -- Mad About You",
"Asps... very dangerous... you go first.  -- Sallah, Raiders of the Lost Ark",
"Ass, n.:  The masculine of \"lass\".",
"Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.",
"Assassins aim to please.",
"Assassins do it from behind.",
"Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.",
"Assembler programmers drive stick shifts.",
"Assembler, n.:  One who drops his card deck.",
"Assume a virtue, if you have it not.  -- William Shakespeare, Hamlet",
"Astral projection is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage.  -- Woody Allen",
"Astronomers do it under the stars.",
"Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.",
"At 20, we don't care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we start to worry about what it thinks of us; at 40, we realize that it isn't thinking of us at all.",
"At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.  -- Washington Post, 9 June 85",
"At Microsoft, they eat their own dog food.  At Apple, we drink or own Kool-Aid.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"At Sears, our mechanics hear noises other mechanics don't!",
"At a baseball game, why do they call them the stands if everyone is sitting down?",
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.  -- George Carlin, _Brain Droppings_",
"At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves.  -- George Orwell",
"At certain times I like sex.  Like after a cigarette.  -- Rodney Dangerfield",
"At dawn, a Unicorn will pause in his pursuits and gaze into the rising sun perhaps as a form of devotion.",
"At first the dog was named Ben, but then it had puppies.  Now it's Ben Hur.",
"At first, I was opposed to the so-called satellite mind-control transmissions.  -- Barbara Rush",
"At least Congress cannot make death worse each year.",
"At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.  -- J.B. White",
"At least get the masonic pyramid off the $1 bill.  -- Slacker",
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.",
"At night I went out into the dark and I saw a glimmering star and heard a frog and Nature seemed to say, Well do not these suffice?  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"At our university, you're not just a number.  You're 3 numbers, and a dash, then 2 more numbers, and another dash, and then four more numbers!",
"At social functions, DON't introduce your husband as \"my domain server\".",
"At that moment I knew.  I knew the way you know about a good melon.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"At the IFIP congress in 1971, I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Eiichi Goto of Japan, who cheerfully complained that he was always being eliminated.  -- Donald E. Knuth, Structured Programming with Go To Statements",
"At the Unix conference, each hotel room had a copy of K and R in the bedside drawer, left by the Gideons.",
"At the beginning there was the Word; at the end just the Cliche.  -- Stanislaw J. Lec",
"At the core of dualism, according to Zen, are words - just plain words.  The use of words is inherently dualistic, since each word represents, quite obviously, a conceptual category.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \"What is Hell?\"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.",
"At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.",
"At the fresh fish counter in the supermarket, you can buy real squid.  -- Calvin",
"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.  -- Brendan Francis",
"At the rate America is decaying morally, we shall have to change our national symbol from an eagle to a vulture.  -- Vance Havner",
"At the record company meeting, on their hands a dead star...  -- the Smiths",
"At the sand castle competition, I made a beach.",
"At the women's conference, Hillary Clinton said there will be \"no more timidity, no more submissiveness, no more second class status in the world.\"  From now on, Bill Clinton is going to be more aggressive.",
"At this they hauled ass back to Inker for a VAST pizza and gallons of beer leaving Thomas to rust quietly.  -- Voxers",
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization.",
"Atheist's Manifesto:  Kill 'em all, and let nobody sort 'em out.",
"Atlas doesn't do it (back problems you know...)",
"Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.  -- Winston Churchill",
"Attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's.  -- Top 5",
"Attention K-Mart shoppers, there's a blue light special now going on in the jock strap department.  -- Butt-head",
"Attorneys are paranoid because they assume everybody else is dishonest too.",
"Auditor, n.:  Someone who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.",
"Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.",
"Auntie Em.  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy.",
"Australian kiss, n.:  Like a French kiss, but it comes from down under.",
"Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World War II.  Oh, great... more Time-Life books.  -- Jay Leno",
"Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb.  -- Stanley Kaufman",
"Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.",
"Automated, n.:  A couple making love in a car.",
"Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.  -- Mark Waldrip",
"Automobile, n.:  A four wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.",
"Autopsy is a dying practice.",
"Available in Hong Kong is a combined telephone, answering machine and fax called Tamfax.",
"Avalanche, n.:  A mountain getting its rocks off.",
"Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.",
"Avez-vous la plume de ma tante?  Ne travaillez jamais!  (This is an actual piece of grafitti in Seattle....)  -- Megan Coughlin (translation: Do you have my Aunt's feather?  Never work!)",
"Avian species of identical plumage congregate.",
"Avid comic book reader asks his friend why life doesn't come with subtitles.",
"Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.",
"Avoid blue food.",
"Avoid computer viruses.  Practice safe hex.",
"Avoid life.  It will kill you in the end.",
"Avoid running at all times.  -- Satchel Paige",
"Avoid suspicion: when your're walking through your neighbor's melon patch, don't tie your shoe.  -- Chinese proverb",
"Avoid temporary variables and strange women.",
"Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.",
"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  Life is a daring adventure or nothing.  -- Helen Keller",
"Aw, Mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungee cord!  -- Calvin",
"Aye and eye, two words for which no single letter is pronounced.",
"Aye, Captain, I have to get the Enterprise washed, gassed up, and back to Starfleet Command before they miss 'er!  -- Top 5",
"BASIC programmers GOTO it.",
"BASIC programmers do it all over the place.",
"BBBBBRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZZKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIII!!!  -- Herman's Head",
"BBS, n.:  Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.",
"BEAVIS: Hey Butt-Head. Are those guys from Seattle?   BUTT-HEAD: No, Ass-Munch! They're American.",
"BEER! It's not just for breakfast anymore.",
"BEER! and MENTOS! THE FRESHMAKER!!! Together they lysol your mouth clean!",
"BFA?  B.F.D.  I'm through with the whole wank-a-rama.  -- Reality Bites",
"BLISS is ignorance.",
"BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.",
"BTB 9By the by0, Ousterhout is another fine example of 30ness.  Magic, Sprite, TCL, Hopper, now SUN. Distinguished teaching, PYI, NSF GR  -- Rohit Khare",
"BTW I'd count NT 4.0 as the magical third release, after NT 3.1 and NT 3.51. (Yeah, there was 3.5 but it doesn't count.)  -- Joe Barrera",
"BUBBA ==> Boys Unburdened by Briefcases, BMWs and Aerobics",
"BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!",
"Babies are such a nice way to start people.  -- Don Herold",
"Baby talk isn't a word.  (Like baby fish mouth is any better?)  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Baby's got a thing for muscle-bound jocks, I collapse a lung just taking off my socks.  -- Rugburns",
"Baby, if I like gave you some money, would you make out with me?  Huh huh.  That would be cool.  -- Butt-head",
"Baby, you are so money and you don't even know it.  -- Swingers",
"Bacchus, n.:  A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.",
"Bachelor, n.:  A man who comes and goes.",
"Bachelor, n.:  A man who looks but does not leap.  -- McCardie",
"Bachelor, n.:  A man who never makes the same mistake once.  -- Ed Wynn",
"Bachelor, n.:  The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the hunt.  -- Thomas Lyness",
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?",
"Back in the days when men were men, women were property and property was cheap!",
"Back in the world of disposable emotion...  -- Howard Jones",
"Back of every achievement is a proud wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.  -- Brooks Hays",
"Back off, Grammar Nazi.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Back off, man, I'm a scientist.  -- Peter Venkmann, Ghostbusters",
"Back on the job just to earn a few bob for good liquor and grub at the Kilkenny Pub.  -- Rugburns",
"Back on the street I was silent for a while, letting Grahame-Ballard's rifkinesque memes percolate uneasily through my cortex.  -- Paul Di Filippo, in Ribofunk",
"Back-seat driving is a form of duel control.",
"Backstrokers do it face up.",
"Bad artists copy.  Great artists steal.  -- Pablo Picasso",
"Bad design should make you physically ill.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.  -- Mel Brooks",
"Badgers?  We don't need no stinkin' badgers!  -- UHF",
"Badges?  We ain't got no badges.  We don't need no badges.  I don't have to show you any stinking badges.  -- Treasure of the Sierra Madre",
"Baffona, n.:  Woman with not unpleasing mustache.  -- Hoare, Short Italian Dictionary",
"Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:  A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.",
"Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato.  -- Edmund Blackadder",
"Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.  -- David Thompson",
"Ballerinas are always on their toes.  Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?  -- Steven Wright",
"Baloney Bullcraps!!!  -- Thanh Boyer",
"Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.",
"Banectomy, sniglet:  The removal of bruises on a banana.",
"Bank accounts are like toothpaste: easy to take out but hard to put back.",
"Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.  -- Dan Quayle",
"Bankers do it with interest.  However, there is a penalty for early withdrawal.",
"Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.",
"Banks and Cub Scouts and Flying Saucer Cults are not that different from each other, structurally.",
"Bar Stool, n.:  What Daniel Boone stepped in.",
"Barbarians do it with anything.  (As do orcs.)",
"Barbarians have great endurance.",
"Bargain, n.:  Something you can't use at a price you can't resist.  -- Franklin P. Jones",
"Barometer, n.:  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.",
"Baroque, adj.:  When you run out of Monet.",
"Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.  -- Mark Twain",
"Bart Simpson on the side of law and order?  Has the world gone topsy turvy?  -- Principal Skinner",
"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)  -- Homer Simpson",
"Bart, if we had $10,000, we'd be millionaires!  -- Homer Simpson",
"Baruch's Observation:  If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.",
"Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.  -- Tom Lehrer",
"Baseball Rules Section 3.12.5:  The strike zone shall consist of an area from the kneecap to the midpoint between the waist and shoulders vertically and shall be as wide as the home-plate umpire's hind quarters.",
"Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.  -- Will Rogers",
"Baseball is what we were, and football is what we have become.  -- Mary McGrory",
"Baseball players have leather-covered balls.",
"Based on my reason and based on what the latest scientific discoveries of our time have shown me, I am convinced that God exists.  However, I do not believe in God as a matter of faith, because unfortunately I have no faith.  On the other hand, God is not aware of the existence of Coca-cola, or of Salvador Dali, much less something called morals...  -- Salvador Dali",
"Based on the book by Sueman and Shyster.",
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.  -- David Letterman",
"Basic cable, call waiting, free trips to the salad bar... all the things that make this country great.  -- PCU",
"Basic events require simple language.  Idiosyncratically euphuistic eccentricities are the promulgators of triturable abfuscation.  -- United Technologies",
"Basic research is like shooting an arrow into the air and, where it lands, painting a target.  -- Homer Adkins",
"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.  -- Werner von Braun",
"Basically antisocial is not a crime.  -- John Dobbin",
"Basically, I try to be as charming and ingratiating as I can without making myself vomit.  -- Katie Couric",
"Basically, there appear to be 4 major profit areas: curses, pardons, relics, and selling sexual favors with nuns.  -- Blackadder",
"Basketball players have big rubber balls.",
"Baskin/Robbins (or should that be Rifkin/Dobbins?)  -- Bill Ginn",
"Bathe her and bring her to my tent--that's what power's all about.  -- Bill Maher",
"Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passable clean, and once a week to avoid being a public menace.  -- Anthony Burgess",
"Bathquake, sniglet:  The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.",
"Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma.  -- Chris Jarocha-Ernst",
"Baud, n.:  A woman who keeps a brothel",
"Baudrillard treated the ideas of Marx, Freud and Nietzsche with much the same attitude that J.G. Ballard's characters brought to automobiles.  They were sexiest when accelerated to high speeds and brought into collision.  -- Scott McLemee",
"Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.",
"Be a good listener.  Your ears will never get you into trouble.  -- Frank Tyger",
"Be a life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for.  -- David Starr Jordan",
"Be a loof; aren't you sick of being a lert?",
"Be admonished that an equine presented as a donation should not be espied orally.",
"Be alert.  Your country needs more lerts.",
"Be apathetic today.  I think I'll leave it till tomorrow.",
"Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.  -- Horace Mann",
"Be assured that if you knew all, you would pardon all.  -- Thomas `a Kempis",
"Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.  -- Dan McKinnon",
"Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.  -- Ruth Boorstin",
"Be braver.  You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.",
"Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.  -- Proverbs 4:23",
"Be careful what you shoot at.  Most things in here don't react too well to bullets.  -- Hunt for Red October",
"Be careful when playing under an anvil tree.",
"Be careful who you hang out with because proximity breeds sensitivity.  -- Charisse Jacobs",
"Be careful, it is very difficult to determine who that right person is... especially if you're drunk and horny.  -- The Spot",
"Be careful.  The last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.",
"Be concerned about your future.  You'll spend the rest of your life there.",
"Be consistent, but don't do it all the time.",
"Be consistent.  -- Larry Wall",
"Be courageous.  It's the only place left uncrowded.  -- Anita Roddick",
"Be creative, invent a perversion.",
"Be economical with the truth.",
"Be excellent to each other and party on, dudes.  -- Bill and Ted",
"Be happy.  It is a way of being wise.  -- Colette",
"Be more or less specific.",
"Be nice to me.  I'm out of valium.",
"Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.",
"Be not simply good; be good for something.  -- Thoreau",
"Be safe: be suspicious.  -- Brazil",
"Be security conscious, because 80% of people are caused by accident.",
"Be self-reliant and your success is assured.",
"Be strong and of a good courage.  Act for the best, hope for the best and take what comes... If death ends all, we cannot meet death better.  -- Fitzjames Stephen, 1874",
"Be sure not to bend, mutilate, or spindle.  Especially spindle.  -- Farooq Butt",
"Be sure you spell me name correctly: G-E-O-R-G-E W-I-L-L.  -- Dave Barry",
"Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.  -- Mark Twain",
"Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Beals' Law:  Free food contains no calories.",
"Beans are neither fruit nor musical.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!",
"Beaten can be eaten without a b.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Beauregard's Law:  When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.",
"Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal, but bow-legs are always without parallel.",
"Beauty and the best.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Beauty and the breast?  A tail as old as time.  -- John Dobbin",
"Beauty can be sad; you're proof of that.  When the damage is done, you're damaged goods.  -- Juliana Hatfield",
"Beauty fades, and attitudes go out of style.  -- Michelle Gardner",
"Beauty is everlasting, and dust is for a time.  -- Marianne Moore",
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.",
"Beauty is in the eye of the beheld.",
"Beauty is in the hand of the groper.  -- John Dobbin",
"Beauty is only a light switch away.  -- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina",
"Beauty is only skin deep.  But ugly... now that's probably got some nasty roots on it.  -- Crabby Road",
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty.  -- John Keats",
"Beauty isn't everything.  Money is.  -- Andy Maskin",
"Beauty seen is never lost.  -- John Greenleaf Whittier",
"Beavis, you're a damned weirdo.  -- Butt-head",
"Beavis: I wanna do every single girl in this video.  Butt-head: You wanna do every single girl in EVERY video, Beavis.",
"Because I can be.  -- Heathers",
"Because I was a gazillionaire, I'd cut the grass for free.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Because Unix lacks a uniform policy, every executable program, every configuration file, and every start-up script become a critical point.  Put another way, the only secure Unix system is one with the power turned off.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Because dinner in California is so important.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take.  -- Kathy Ireland",
"Because of one paragraph the bank took off of his property, it was clause and effects.",
"Because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.  -- Jack Kerouac, On the Road",
"Because you're an idiot.  -- Heathers",
"Because, as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).  -- Dave Barry",
"Bed of nails, n.:  Where a test programmer sleeps.",
"Been around the world and found that only stupid people were breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding, and I don't even own a TV.  -- Harvey Danger, Flagpole Sitta",
"Been saved again by the garbage truck.  -- Tori Amos",
"Beer before whiskey, pretty risky.",
"Beer is your best friend.  Consume as much of it as possible.  You're a freshman, so women are out of the question.  -- PCU",
"Beer nuts are about a dollar, and deer nuts are under a buck.",
"Beer undergoes no color conversion in transition from input to output (GIGO).",
"Bees are very busy souls; they have no time for birth controls.  And that is why in times like these there are so many Sons of Bees.",
"Before Honor is humility.  -- Proverbs",
"Before TV nobody knew what a headache looked like.",
"Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.",
"Before anyone passes judgment, remember: we *are* in the Arctic.  -- X Files",
"Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.",
"Before every stage performance, I tell the cast members to break a leg.  Then I take a club and whack one of them on the shin.  Man, I love the way theater is so ironic.  -- Paul Paternoster",
"Before giving a piece of your mind to someone make sure you can spare it.",
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.",
"Before summer came around, I sent a letter to the dean of EE... where I announced my intentions... to defect.",
"Before the election Bill Clinton promised to raise taxes on everyone making more than $200,000.  After the election Bill Clinton accepts a job that pays exactly $200,000.  -- Jay Leno",
"Before there were junk stores, before there was junk, he lived with his mother and repeated himself.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Before this decade is out we will put a man on the moon.  -- John F. Kennedy",
"Before this, I was paralyzed.  You are the sand in my oyster :-)  -- Rohit Khare",
"Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you've got a mile-long head start... and you have their shoes.  -- The Lion",
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them... you are a mile away AND you have their shoes.",
"Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.",
"Before you started talking, you used to have a brain.  -- Offspring",
"Begathon, sniglet:  A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money.",
"Beggars should be abolished.  It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.  -- Nietzsche",
"Begin to weave and God will give the thread.  -- German Proverb",
"Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.  -- Naiomi Bliven",
"Behind every absurdity there lies a basic truth.  Behind every basic truth there lies an absurdity.",
"Behind every complaint is a request that's being masked.",
"Behind every successful man stands an exhausted woman.  Behind her stands his wife.",
"Behind my back I can see them stare, they'll hurt me bad but I don't mind, they'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.  -- Violent Femmes",
"Behind the door I keep the universe.  -- the Dentists",
"Beholders like to watch.",
"Being a Democratic President these days is a lot like owning a cemetery.  There are lots of people under you but nobody's listening.",
"Being a frog isn't as bad as it seems.  Whenever anything bugs them, they eat it.",
"Being a moral paragon can be fun.  You wouldn't believe how many beautiful people want to date me simply because I'm so goddamm high-minded.",
"Being a vampire really sucks.",
"Being a woman, I really only have access to the equipment 30, 40 minutes a week.  And that's on a GOOD week.  -- Elaine, on Seinfeld",
"Being able to recognize a woman by silhouette proves to be both necessary and cost-effective.  Babe... or troll?  -- The Opposite Sex",
"Being blond is definitely a different state of mind.  I can't really put my finger on it, but the artifice of being blond has some incredible sort of sexual connotation.  -- Madonna",
"Being broke is better than being broken.  Being toked is better than being a token.  And it's better to be ironic than iconic.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Being disintegrated makes me very angry...  very angry indeed.  -- Marvin Martian",
"Being divorced is just like being single... only with a LOT less furniture.",
"Being functional takes intelligence, but nobody ever seems to give credit for it.  -- John Dobbin",
"Being in the Beatles is like being an astronaut who has been to the moon.  What do you do with the rest of your life?  -- Paul McCartney",
"Being in the Pacific northwest instantly makes a female lots more attractive.",
"Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.  -- Charles Osgood",
"Being small and simple is more important than being complete and correct.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Being snubbed by beauticians is not my idea of a good time.  -- Real Genius",
"Believe in miracles but don't depend on them.  When you hear kind word spoken about a friend, tell him so.  Spoil your spouse, not your children.  Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English.  It means they know another language.  To help your children turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money.  -- H.Jackson Brown Jr.",
"Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a message after the beep.  -- George's answering machine on Seinfeld (to the tune of The Greatest American Hero)",
"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.  -- William Jones",
"Belladonna, n.:  In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.  A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Bells and whistles, n.:  Trinkets for the computer",
"Belonephobia, n.:  An abnormal fear of sharply pointed objects, especially needles.",
"Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed.  Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.",
"Beneath the noble bird, between the proudest words, behind the beauty, cracks appear.",
"Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.",
"Benny Hill was the master of the single entendre.",
"Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.  -- Time Bandits",
"Bertrand Russell \"spent a summer looking at a blank page,\" after he asked, \"Does the set of sets which do not include themselves, include itself?\"  How can it be that language can be shut down so completely?  -- Mack Rhinelander",
"Besides, we don't make mistakes here, we just have happy accidents.  -- Bob Ross, Joy of Painting",
"Best euphamism for boffing: taking Mr. One-Eye to the optometrist...  -- John Klassa",
"Best file compression around:  \"DEL *.*\" = 100% compression",
"Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compress",
"Best of Both Worlds?  Hermaphoditic porn.  Starlets with both organs.  You should see the box.  Hey, I like to expand my horizons.  -- Clerks",
"Best of all they've made movies that don't require much thought.  You can't ask for more than that........  -- John Dobbin",
"Bet you didn't know that Xerox holds the patent on Ethernet, did you?  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Better an unfair distribution of wealth than a perfect equality of fear.  -- P.J. O'Rourke on why the Russians are better off as capitalists",
"Better cut it into four pieces.  I can't eat eight pieces.  -- Yogi Berra",
"Better dead than mellow.",
"Better latent than never.",
"Better latex than never.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Better learn to go it alone, recognize you're all on your own.  -- Chess",
"Better living through chemistry, man.  More like better loving through chemistry, woman.  -- the ARs",
"Better make it four.  I don't think I can eat eight.  -- Yogi Berra on how many slices his pizza should be cut into",
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.  -- Jack Handey",
"Better than life.  -- Red Dwarf",
"Better than sitting on our elbows all day.  -- Blackadder IV",
"Better to reign in hell than serve in heav'n.  -- John Milton",
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.",
"Between gangs, British nannies, and O.J., nobody gives a rat's ass about a hair-covered snarling killer anymore.  -- Top 5",
"Between stimulus and response there is decision.  -- George X. Torres",
"Between the Unicorn and maidens lies a secret bond not known by men.  For... women have not the thirst for dominion over others by which men are constantly possessed.  Those who crave dominion over others seldom suffer themselves to be led....  Know yourselves, brethren:  Are ye as wise as ye flatter yourselves to be?  He who wishes to lead, let him learn to follow.",
"Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.  -- Adolph Monod",
"Between the time saved always using the car pool lane and the hassle saved never cleaning bird crap off of your car, it's a wonder more people don't drive with scarecrows in the passenger seat.  -- Dave James",
"Beverly Center?  Oh please.  They show previews for foreign movies.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Beware being lost in the abysses of the mind.",
"Beware of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.",
"Beware of bugs in the above program. I proved it correct, I did not try it.  -- Donald E. Knuth",
"Beware of geeks bearing GIF's.",
"Beware of low-flying butterflies.",
"Beware of men who flourish with hereditary honors.  -- Latin Proverb",
"Beware of poets who read their verse in public; they have other nasty habits.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.  -- Leonard Brandwein",
"Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.",
"Beware the fury of a patient man.  -- John Dryden",
"Beware!  The teddy bears of today still carry the vestigial claws of their ancestors...",
"Beware, people.  Every time I put some money into the stock market, it dies, and I'm about to do it again.",
"Bewilderment is its precise purpose, for when one is in a bewildered state, one's mind does begin to operate nonlogically, to some extent.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.  -- Stanislaw Lec",
"Bicarbonate of soda taken before retiring makes you feel better the next day.",
"Bid opening, n.:  A poker game in which the losing hand wins.",
"Big and Very Big Hole Drilling.  Is this the sequel to Small and Very Small Hole Drilling?  I loved that book.  -- John Dobbin",
"Big doesn't necessarily mean better.  Sunflowers aren't better than violets.  -- Edna Ferber",
"Big whorls have little whorls which feed their velocity, and little whorls have lesser whorls, And so on to viscosity.",
"Bigamist, n.:  Dense fog in Italy.",
"Bigamy is having one husband to many.  Monogamy is the same.  -- Erica Jong",
"Bigger burgers are back.  Calories and juiciness are in.  -- Ron Paul, president of Technomic Inc., a restaurant consulting company in Chicago, Aug 1997",
"Bill Chase writes that he plans to be more assertive... \"That is, if it's OK with the group.\"",
"Bill Clinton has got no choice but to continue to lie.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Bill Clinton may not stand for anything, but he's got friends with convictions.",
"Bill and Ted of Borg:  Borgus!",
"Billy Bob Clinton... how is someone so chunky, so smooth?  -- Dennis Miller",
"Binary, n.:  Sale slogan for hair removing cream",
"Bio-personals:  Gene therapy graduate.  After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've shed my exons and am ready to express my introns.  All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host.",
"Bio-personals:  Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn't everything.",
"Bio-personals:  I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity.  Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy.",
"Bio-personals:  I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal.  Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation.",
"Bio-personals:  I've been single-stranded too long!  Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC.",
"Bio-personals:  Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on me.  Let's fight senescence together!",
"Bio-personals:  Menge a trois!  Ligands seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation.  Let's get together and transduce some signals.",
"Bio-personals:  My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop.  Something got lost in the translation.  Please forgive me.",
"Bio-personals:  Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid.  EcoR1 sites prefered.",
"Bio-personals:  Some dates have called me a promotor.  Others have referred to me as a real operator.  Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.",
"Bio-personals:  There must be a rational way to meet a date!  I'm tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide.  I want a molecule that will fit right into my active sight and really turn me on.  I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!",
"Bio-personals:  This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization.",
"Bio-personals:  Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein.",
"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.",
"Bird feeders also double as cat feeders.",
"BirdInHand = 2 x InTheBush;",
"Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.  -- Marlys Bradley",
"Birds take off at sunrise.  On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset.  This causes the earth to spin on its axis.",
"Birth control pills are habit forming.",
"Birth, Copulation, and Death.  That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks.  -- T.S. Elliot",
"Birth, n.:  The first and direst of all disasters.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Birthquake, n.:  A term to describe a woman's contractions during labor.",
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  -- Woody Allen",
"Bit happens.",
"Bit, n.:  Past tense of byte.",
"Bit, n.:  The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.",
"Bitchin' camaro, bitchin' camaro, I ran over my neighbor.  -- Dead Milkmen",
"Bite into a Bjork peppermint patty, and get the sensation of being on a tall mountain freezing your ass off in Iceland.  -- Richard Goodman",
"Bite my lip and close my eyes, take me away to paradise.  -- Green Day",
"Bitmaps aren't scalable, right?  You can't do anything with them.  They're nonsensical.  Bitmaps are not graphics; they're the display result of graphics.  You can't express graphics in dots, and a bitmap does not have a metric.  It has no meaning.  -- Robert Cailliau",
"Bitter it is indeed, in human Fate When Life's supreme temptation comes too late.  -- John Masefield",
"Bitter winter, fiction dogs are starving.  -- Jim Morrison",
"Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.",
"Bizoos, sniglet:  The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.",
"Black and white would capture the moment so nicely, don't you think?  -- 16 Candles",
"Black holes are outta sight!",
"Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.",
"Bladrick, have you been eating dung again?  -- Blackadder II",
"Blarney, n.:  1. Smooth, flattering talk.  2. Deceptive nonsense. [ After the Blarney  Stone in Blarney Castle, Blarney, Ireland]",
"Bleed on me, only if it matters, my little star.  -- Muzzle",
"Blessed are the cracked because they let in the light.",
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered.  -- Blackadder",
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.",
"Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!",
"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.  -- Matthew 5:8",
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.",
"Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they shall be known as Wheels.",
"Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.  -- James Russell Lowell",
"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.  -- John 20:29",
"Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.  -- Luke 6:22",
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.  -- Jonathan Swift",
"Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.  -- William Bennett",
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact.  -- George Eliot",
"Blimey, I typed this as \"meat\" first time!!!  -- Robert Harley",
"Blinded by the light, revved up like a deux, another rumor in the night.  -- Bruce Springsteen",
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Artery, n. - Study of paintings.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Bacteria, n. - Back door to a cafeteria.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Barium, n. - What to do when treatment fails.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Bowel, n. - Letter like A E I O U (or sometimes Y).",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Caesarian Section, n. - Rich district in Rome.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Cat Scan, n. - Search for kitty.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Cauterize, v. - Make eye contact.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Colic, n. - Sheep dog.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Coma, n. - Type of punctuation mark.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Congenital, adj. - Friendly.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  D & C, n. - Where Washington is.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Dilate, n. - To live long and prosper.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Enema, n. - Not a friend.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Fester, adj. - Quicker.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Genital, adj. - Non-Jewish.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Hang Nail, n. - Coat hook.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Impotent, adj. - Distinguished, well known.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Inpatient, adj. - Tired of waiting.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Labor Pain, n. - Hurt at work.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Morbid, n. - Higher offer.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Nitrate, n. - Cheaper than day rate.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Node, v. - To be aware of.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Outpatient, n. - Person fainted.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Post Op, n. - Letter carrier.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Recovery Room, n. - Place to upholster.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Rectum, phrase - Dang near killed him.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Rheumatic, adj. - Amorous.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Saline, n. - Where you go on your boyfriend's boat.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Secretion, n. - Hiding something.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Tablet, n. - Small table.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Terminal Illness, n. - Sickness at airport.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Tibia, n. - Country in North Africa.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Tumor, n. - More than one.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Urine, phrase - Opposite of you're out.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Varicose, adj. - Nearby.",
"Blond Medical Dictionary Term:  Vein, adj. - Conceited.",
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other.",
"Blood is red, cyanosis is blue.  Some people are dead; wish one was you.",
"Blood is thicker than water, and tastes better, too.  -- random vampire",
"Bloody typical, they've gone back to metric without telling us.  -- Brazil",
"Blore's Razor:  Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.",
"Blow your mind.  Smoke gunpowder!",
"Blur can do no wrong in some ways, but you can't help wanting to flush their head down the toilet.  -- Loaded magazine 10/95",
"Bo Jackson just DID it.",
"Bo Peep did it for the insurance.",
"Boats, cars, sex... you have to touch all of them lightly or they lose their glamour.  -- Mel Gibson",
"Bob Dole remembers the Alamo.  First hand.  -- Top 5",
"Bob Dole remembers when minimum wage was raised from a sharp stick to two rocks.  -- Top 5",
"Bob Packwood's lawyer says he has a witness who will testify that one of the senator's accusers made the first move.  Maybe so, but since when has coming to work in the morning ever been considered the first move?",
"Bobbitt sale: everything half off!",
"Bobby Knight is ready to check and mate.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Body by Fisher.  Brains by Mattel.",
"Body-builders do it with muscle.",
"Bolcer's First Corollary to Godwin's Law:  Any Internet discussion containing more than 3 replies will converge on the topic of sex or death 97% of the time.",
"Bolcer's Second Corollary to Godwin's Law:  Any graduate student facing the task of writing his or her thesis will participate in Internet discussions as a means of avoidance, procrastination, or both, particularly if their advisor is a Nazi.",
"Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.",
"Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:  Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.",
"Bombs don't kill people.  Explosions kill people.",
"Books are keys to wisdom's treasure.  Books are gates to lands of pleasure.  Books are paths that upward lead.  Books are friends. Come let us read.",
"Books near finger foods?  That's asking for trouble.  -- Gun in Mary Lou's Handbag",
"Books on claustrophobia?  They're in that little room over there, sir.",
"Books?  Books?  My god!  You don't understand.  They were far too busy living first-hand for books.  Books!  -- Jane March",
"Books?  I heard about them once on MTV.  -- Richard Cross",
"Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.",
"Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.",
"Bore, n.:  A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.  -- Walter Winchell",
"Bore, n.:  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.  -- Ambrose Pierce",
"Bored beyond belief.  -- LA Story",
"Boredom means you're off the quality track, you're not seeing things freshly, you've lost your \"beginners mind\"... boredom means your gumption supply is low and must be replenished before anything else is done.  -- Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance",
"Boren's Laws:  When in charge, ponder.  When in trouble, delegate.  When in doubt, mumble.",
"Borger King Burgers:  We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.",
"Bork, bork, bork.  -- the Swedish chef",
"Born Free.  Taxed to Death.",
"Born into the Age of Panic.  -- Senser",
"Born to lose, and destined to fail.  -- Social Distortion",
"Borrowed S&L funds were used to buy the cocaine that funded arms for Iran and the Contras?  I don't remember that!  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Boss spelled backwards is double S.O.B.",
"Both bands were history by the time Nirvana wedded the sounds of Husker Du's \"Whatever\" to the Replacements' \"Never Mind.\"  -- Rob Sheffield",
"Both movies.  Both with ludicrous premises.  Both live action.  The similarities are endless.  -- John Dobbin",
"Bother.  -- Pooh",
"Bottom line, pay me 250 million dollars and I'll give serious consideration to almost anything you can come up with.  -- John Dobbin",
"Boundary, n.:  In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.  -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary",
"Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali!  -- David Letterman's Barbershop Quartet",
"Bow down before the one you serve; you're going to get what you deserve.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"Bowling is what they do, Hockey is what they watch.  -- John Dobbin",
"Boxing rings are square.",
"Boy, it's hard to believe with so much biting experience a person could still make a mistake like that.  -- Seinfeld",
"Boy, n.:  A noise with dirt on it.",
"Boy, rough life, huh?  What have YOU done today?!  -- Calvin",
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?  -- George Bush, Auschwitz, 9/89",
"Boyle's Law:  Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as managerial ability.",
"Boys will be boys, and even that wouldn't matter if we could only prevent girls from being girls.  -- Anthony Hope",
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.  -- Kin Hubbard",
"Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:  When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?",
"Bragging is only the patter of little feats.",
"Brain disfunction detected...",
"Brain fried.  Core dumped.",
"Brain over - Insert coin.",
"Brain, n.:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.",
"Brains are more like pomegranites than sheets of paper.  -- John Haugeland",
"Brandy makes you randy, whiskey makes you frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant.",
"Brave New World.  1984.  Prozac.  Zoloft.  It all translates to the same thing: Mind Control.  -- Alisha Karabinus",
"Breakpoint, n.:  The point at which programmer increments past last bit available",
"Breaks wind so badly that the oxygen masks drop.  -- Top 5",
"Breakthrough, n.:  It finally booted on the first try.",
"Breaststrokers touch with both hands.",
"Breathing may be hazardous to your health.",
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie.  -- Dorothy Parker",
"Brevity is the soul of wit.  Gravity is the soul of weight.",
"Brian gets more done in one day than most people do by noon!  -- Jeff Arnowitz",
"Bridget Fonda puts the ass in assassin.",
"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization.  -- Jon Bentley",
"Brilliant gold taps, virginal white marble, a seat carved from ebony, a cistern full of chanel number five, and a flunky handing me pieces of raw silk toilet roll.  -- Trainspotting",
"Bring a towel.  -- Douglas Adams",
"Bring forth the sacrificial worms.  Huh uh huh.  -- Butt-head",
"Bring me a cow.  I'll carve off what I want and ride the rest home.  -- Denis Leary",
"Bring me my broadsword and clear understanding.  -- Jethro Tull",
"Bring over some dingoes to watch the baby while you're out.  -- Top 5",
"Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.",
"Brisbane?  I don't know anybody in Brisbane.  -- Seinfeld",
"British DOS:  What do YOU think old boy? <Possibly/'Fraid Not>",
"Broadcast Majors do it on film.",
"Broadcast Majors do it to epic proportions.",
"Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?  -- Jack Handey",
"Brontosauruses are very thin at one end, thick in the middle and thin again at the other end. -- Anne Elk",
"Brook's Law:  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.",
"Brothel, n.:  Home is where the tart is.",
"Brothers quarrel like thieves inside a house, but outside their swords leap out in each others defense.  -- Japanese proverb",
"Brown is the rectum of the Ivy League.  It's color coded, you know.",
"Brownian motion, n.:  Jogging girl scout.",
"Brushing the dandruff from the information tuxedo.",
"Brutal honesty?  You added the brutal.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Bubba Gump shrimp.  It's a household name.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink!  -- Willy Wonka",
"Bucy's Law:  Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.",
"Bud Fox: Why do you need to wreck this company?  Gordon Gecco: Because it's wreckable, all right?  -- Wall Street",
"Budget the luxuries first.",
"Budget, n.:  A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.",
"Budget, n.:  A method for going broke methodically.",
"Budweiser has introduced a new wheat beer.  Great, just what I need: extra fiber with my buzz.",
"Budweiser puts a cap on its bottle so your beer doesn't have to come out until YOU want it to.",
"Bugs are sons of glitches!",
"Bugs, like coat hangers, breed if unobserved.",
"Bugs, n. pl.:  Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.",
"Bugs, smugs... these are program FEATURES.",
"Build for your team a feeling of oneness, of dependence on one another and of strength to be derived by unity.  -- Vince Lombardi",
"Build tunnels.  Nobody burns their tunnels behind them.....  -- John Dobbin",
"Bulemia is so 86.  -- Heathers",
"Bullets speak louder than reason.",
"Bullets take Bulls?  Suns take Seattle?  What universe do you live in?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Bulls don't win bull fights.  People do.  People don't win people fights.  Lawyers do.",
"Bullsh*t makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.",
"Bumper sticker on a hearse:  I'd rather be breathing.",
"Bumper sticker on stealth bomber: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS.",
"Bungee Jumper... Catch you on the rebound.",
"Bureacracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.  -- Honor de Balzac",
"Bureaucracy is as wrong as cancer, a turning away from the human evolutionary direction of infinite potentials and differentiation and independent spontaneous action, to the complete parasitism of a virus.  -- William S. Burroughs",
"Bureaucracy, n.:  The process of turning energy into solid waste.",
"Bureaucrat, n.:  A person who cuts red tape sideways.  -- J. McCabe",
"Bureaucrat, n.:  A politician who has tenure.",
"Bureaucratic Cop-out #1:  You should have seen it when I got it.",
"Burglars broke into my apartment and were so appalled, they left a donation!",
"Burning the string would make it quite improbable for the knots to come back.  In such a case, you could think of them as being trapped in a deeper layer of Tumbolia.  Perhaps there are layers and layers of Tumbolia.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.  -- Ken Weaver",
"Burping the baby involves a sixer of Bud and a Beefy Tostada.  -- Top 5",
"Burying her would be a waste of a hole!  -- Howard Stern",
"Bus Stop.  No Stopping.  Buses excepted.",
"Bus error.  Passengers dumped.",
"Bus, n.:  A mass-transit vehicle.",
"Bush Lite: Less capital gains, more domestic policy.",
"Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe.",
"Business is a good game: lots of competition and minimum of rules.  You keep score with money.  -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari",
"But Green Day hasn't made the sale that all artists covet.  John Dobbin has not purchased it.  Alanis can claim that distinction.  -- John Dobbin",
"But I can stand my ground, and I am down, to wax an M.C. who acts like a clown, but for now, I'd like to ask you how, you like the feel of the bass in your face in the crowd.  -- Beastie Boys",
"But I can't promote you to PRIMA DONNA unless you demonstrate a few more serious personality disorders...",
"But I don't wanna be a pirate!  -- Seinfeld",
"But I like my idea better.  -- Calvin",
"But I look at your pants and... I need a kiss.  -- Violent Femmes",
"But I was naked when I said it, that's got to be a first, right?  -- John Dobbin",
"But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on the top, I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream, just whipped cream but only if it's real; if it's out of a can then nothing.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"But a curiosity of my type remains after all the most agreeable of all vices... sorry, I meant to say: the love of truth has its reward in heaven and even on earth.  -- Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 45",
"But be sure that I'll be there to help you make it through, 'cause I'd sure love to be there looking back with you.  -- Grey Eye Glances, \"Snow\"",
"But enough of me.  Let's talk about you.  What do YOU think of me?  -- Bette Midler",
"But first a nip o' courage!  (Swigs from a mickey o' whiskey.)  -- Groundkeeper Willy, The Simpsons",
"But he made too many enemies of the people who would keep us on our knees.  -- XTC",
"But if your name service for \"to\" doesn't work, try any of the following: mince crush blend chop dice frappe liquefy off puree whip shred pulp beat avarice wrath sloth pride gluttony lust claustro amatho acro agora triskaideka phobo necro xeno photo pyro hypno myxo algo mono.  They're blender speeds, deadly sins, and phobias.  -- Blake Jones",
"But in the case of human beings, friendship is a transitory art, subject to discontinuance without further notice.  -- O. Henry, Telemachus, Friend",
"But it's a whole 'nother year!  -- Luke Skywalker",
"But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article.  I'm not done yet.  -- Scott Adams",
"But my little voice TOLD me to do it!",
"But of the millions who type \"http://www...\" every day, how many realize that, like the universe itself, it all began with high-energy physics?  -- FermiNews",
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.",
"But pork chops tastes goooood.  And bacon is gooood.  -- Pulp Fiction",
"But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?",
"But the Mac protects me from thought, and that's the main thing.  -- Peter Ceresole",
"But then again, I like cold toilet seats.",
"But this one goes to eleven.  -- Nigel Tufnel, This is Spinal Tap",
"But unfortunately, the contours of truth never coincide with the frontiers between embattled parties and cliques.  -- Styanislav Andreski, in Social Science as Sorcery",
"But we remember Aaron Burr only because of the Milk commercials.  And I have no idea who attempted to shoot the Pope... only that the Popemobile was the result.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.  -- Virginia Masters",
"But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?",
"But what if there is no tomorrow?  There wasn't one today!  -- Bill Murray, Ground Hog's Day",
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?",
"But, as is usual for simulation studies, the methods we will use are of much more interest than the answers given by the program.  -- Donald E. Knuth, Art of Computer Programming 1",
"Butchers do it with dead meat.",
"Butterfly decal, rearview mirror, dogging the scene.  You smile like the cartoon, tooth for a tooth.  You said that irony was the shackles of youth.  You wore a shirt of violent green.  -- REM",
"Butterflyers have better rhythm.",
"Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.",
"Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.",
"Buy a drink for Claudia?  Mmm... I don't think so.  Buy a condo for Claudia.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"Buy a ticket to a Mets game, get a free ticket to a Mets trial!  -- David Letterman",
"Buy land.  They've stopped making it.  -- Mark Twain",
"Buy the sky and sell the sky.  -- REM",
"Buzz Aldrin got his nickname for slamming down 3 liters of Cuervo Gold in zero gravity.  -- Top 5",
"Buzzards are known to salivate at the mere mention of Bob Dole's name.  -- Top 5",
"By 1960 work will be limited to three hours a day.  -- John Langdon-Davies, A Short History of the Future, 1936",
"By 2050, there will be half a billion Americans, and if that doesn't scare you, nothing will.  -- Dave Siegel",
"By a lie a man throws away and, as it were, annihilates his dignity as a man.  -- Immanuel Kant, Doctrine of Virtue",
"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  -- Socrates",
"By any means necessary.  -- Malcolm X",
"By convincing yourself that a computer-generated cowboy and a computer-generated Space Ranger are amusing, you're personally contributing to the destruction of society predicted by Karl Marx almost 150 years ago.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"By day, it's a really uncomfortable couch.  By night, it's an even more uncomfortable bed.  Futon: ask for it by name.",
"By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.",
"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.  -- Ashleigh Brilliant",
"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.",
"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.",
"By far the most common task for which the machines are used is writing - or word processing, as it's known to the same people who call journalism 'content.'  -- Walter S. Mossberg, WSJ",
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.  -- Emerson",
"By saying MU, Joshu let the other monk know that only by not asking such questions can one know the answer to them.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"By temperament, which is the real law of God, many men are goats and can't help committing adultery when they get a chance; whereas there are numbers of men who, by temperament, can keep their purity and let an opportunity go by if the woman lacks in attractiveness.  -- Mark Twain, from Letters from the Earth",
"By the end of the day I was convinced that the public consisted entirely of raging idiots.  (This is the fundamental underlying assumption of journalism.)  -- Dave Barry",
"By the grace of slow mailservers, you are granted absolution...  -- Rohit Khare",
"By the law of conservation of bits, bits can be neither created nor destroyed.  They just get shifted.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"By the time I retire, I'm gonna have to spend my social security check on sunblock 90.",
"By the time Mozart was my age, he... had been dead for two years.  -- Tom Lehrer",
"By the time a man can read a woman like a book, he needs bifocals.",
"By the turn of the century, you will have 5 devices on your body with their own IP addresses.  Where you put them is your own business...  -- Jim Clark",
"By the way, the answer to \"I blank Lucy\" is not what you think.  -- 3rd Rock from the Sun",
"By the way, they have books near a dollar, books near two dollars, books near three dollars, books near four dollars. 1.99 is on which table?  Yep, books near a dollar.  -- John Dobbin",
"By the way, you know when you're telling these little stories?  Here's a good idea.  Have a point.  It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!  -- Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", 
"By the yard, life is hard.  By the inch, it's a cinch.",
"By this time my lungs were aching for air.  -- Sea Hunt",
"By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.  -- Confucius",
"By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I mean.  -- Mark Twain",
"By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size... I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me.  -- Top 5",
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day.  -- Robert Frost",
"Bytes, n. pl.:  What a vampyre does",
"C U L8R, L E G8R.",
"C code.  C code run.  Run, code, run!",
"C delta phi d-bra!  Ha! Ha! Ha!  Get it?  Get it?",
"C lets you shoot yourself in the foot rather easily.  C++ allows you to blow your whole leg off.  -- Gerald Karam",
"C programmer run.  C programmer crash.  C programmer quit.",
"C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.",
"C programmers break it.",
"C programmers continue it.",
"C programmers do it with lint.",
"C programmers switch often.",
"C'est la vie, c'est la guerre, c'est un pomme de terre.  That's life, that's war, that's a potato.",
"C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model?  She's got to be making this stuff up.  -- Top 5",
"C++ is the Gilligan's Island of languages.  All about stranded cast-aways.",
"C++ is to C as Lung Cancer is to Lung.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"C++: where only your friends can access your private parts.",
"C:\\File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)",
"C:\\WINDOWS C:\\WINDOWS\\GO C:\\PC\\CRAWL",
"CAUTION is never asking, \"Do you still respect me?\"  SELF-PRESERVATION is not admitting that you don't.",
"CAUTION: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.",
"CBS executives are a more advanced form of weasel.  -- David Letterman",
"CCChecckkk thheeeee duuuupleeexxx swwwiiitcchhhh...",
"CIT said Cylert.  MIT says Lithium.  I guess I'll try it, but it makes me wonder what Urbana would prescribe... Ben-Gay?  -- Rohit Khare",
"CNN reported that the new prime was 4 times bigger than the former largest prime.",
"COBOL programmers do it very slow.",
"COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.",
"COBOL's not brain surgery.  Maybe more like shooting a pistol in random directions.  -- Wayne Baisley",
"COMPUTER PROGRAMMER WANTED.  Some Assembly Required.",
"CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy.  Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever.  -- Dave Barry",
"CRT emissions are physically addictive.  -- Cecil Adams",
"CS Majors: We do more after 11pm than most people do all day.",
"Cabbage, n.:  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Cadillacs are down at the end of the bat.  -- Ralph Kiner",
"Caffeine Anonymous uses a 12 step program similar to AA, but at its meetings, members snack on donuts and drink beer.",
"Caffeine makes me lose my concentration, I lose my concentration, what was I saying?",
"Calamity, n.:  A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.  Calamities are of two kinds; misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Calculated Risk, n.:  A computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.",
"Calculation never made a hero.  -- John Henry Cardinal Newman",
"Cali = hot, fornication = sex, so California = land of hot sex...  -- Ed Moran",
"California Governor Pete Wilson said California should be color blind.  Ignoring colors shouldn't be a problem.  We already can't see the poor, the disabled, the homeless...",
"California Pizza Kitchen is among my least favorite restaurants.  Nothing seems to come without pieces of tomato or other vegetables.  -- John Dobbin",
"California bugs the hell out of me.  An entire state, the largest state in the Union, consisting of people who are oblivious to the fact that they live in hell.  -- Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn",
"California governor Pete Wilson has banned smoking in a number of public places, including Death Row.  -- Reason magazine",
"California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.  -- Fred Allen",
"California is trying to ban spray paint in an attempt to fight graffiti.  Just remember folks, if spray paint is outlawed, only outlaws will have fresh looking patio furniture...",
"California's been good to me, I hope it don't fall in-to the sea!  Sometimes you gotta trust yourself; it ain't like any-where else, it ain't like any-where else.  -- Tom Petty, California",
"Californian's passed proposition 215, allowing for the use of marijuana for those who are seriously ill.  Are they going to approve making counterfeit money for those seriously in debt?",
"Californians are not without their faults.",
"Calimari.  Imagine the possibilities.",
"Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE",
"Call it a hunch.  -- Quasimodo",
"Call it a rare instance of natural timidity overcoming the chronic distaste for morning commitments.  -- Berna Massingill",
"Call it incest, but I want my mummy.",
"Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!",
"Call now for a free plant.  -- Crazy People",
"Call off the dogs, the hunt is over.  Sally, this is the greatest.  Sally, please report to me.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Call on God, but row away from the rocks.  -- Indian proverb",
"Call the men of science, and let them hear this song, tell them Albert Einstein and Copernicus were wrong.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.",
"Calling these interfaces friendly is tantamount to dressing a chimpanzee in a surgical gown and parading him around earnestly as a surgeon.  -- Michael Dertouzos",
"Callipigian and pyrolagnia.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Callouses are the speed bumps of calligraphy.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Calm down.  It's only ones and zeroes.",
"Caltech is filled with cybermorons.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Caltech: The truth shall set you free, after it's done with you.  -- Ted Turocy",
"Calumny, n.:  1. A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation.  2. The utterance of maliciously false statements; slander.",
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.  -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth",
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.  -- Clarence Darrow",
"Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!  -- Bill Watterson",
"Calvin:  People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.  Hobbes:  Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?",
"Calvin: Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.  Hobbes: Don't take it too hard.  Humans provide some very important protein.",
"Cambridge is just enough hell that it's heaven for him.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Camoflauge toilet paper... for use in the woods when ambush is your main fear.",
"Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.   -- M. M. Johnston",
"Can I borrow a quarter?  I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.",
"Can I borrow your towel?  My car just hit a water buffalo.  -- Chevy Chase",
"Can I find the candle of thought to light your name?  -- Pearl Jam",
"Can I get some fries with that shake shake, cutie?  -- Salt n Pepa",
"Can I have a waitress with no dressing?",
"Can I please be excused from jury duty?  My wife is going to become pregnant, and I'd like to be there when it happens.",
"Can I yell \"movie\" in a crowded firehouse?",
"Can a man with no fingers point you in the right direction?",
"Can a person be chalant?  Can weather be clement?  And are children ever ruly?",
"Can any of us honestly say we haven't been sitting at work and said \"Would you like fries with that?\"  I thought not.  -- John Dobbin",
"Can you be a closet claustrophobic?",
"Can you believe this?  There's like 27 raisins in this bowl.  That's too many!  Before there were too few, now there are too many.  It's like they are punishing people for asking for more.  -- Men Behaving Badly",
"Can you cork it?  -- Bio-Dome",
"Can you find the mispelled word in hear?",
"Can you get carpal tunnel syndrome by masturbating?  Try explaining that to your parents.  -- John Dobbin",
"Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?  -- Real Genius",
"Can you hear it, ignorance personified?  -- Tilt",
"Can you hear that sound of pen on paper all over the country?  -- Larry Miller",
"Can you imagine Moses asking Congress to pass the ten commandments?",
"Can you repeat the part after \"Listen very carefully\"?",
"Can you sing?  Can you dance?  Or have you volunteered to be sawed in half?  -- Blackadder IV",
"Can you tell that your story is not gripping me? I am in a state of non-gripness. I am completely, smegging un-gripped.  -- Lister; Red Dwarf",
"Can you use this word in a sentence?  Cab drivers can...  -- Eddie Murphy",
"Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Can't anything be done about calling these guys \"student athletes?\"  That's like referring to Attila the Hun's cavalry as \"weekend warriors.\"  -- Russell Baker",
"Can't be held responsible, 'cause she was touching her face.  And I won't be held responsible; she fell in love in the first place.  For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.  For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins; we were merely freshmen.  -- the Verve Pipe",
"Can't have the plusses without the minusses; some kind of law of conservation (or was it liberation?) tells that.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Can't have you accusing innnocent bunnies without cause.  Though you don't sound truly sorry.  -- John Dobbin",
"Can't lift arms from side because of a Super Glue accident back in '87.  -- David Letterman",
"Can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding.",
"Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being...  -- Poe",
"Can't you ever take the stand without pulling out a banana?",
"Canada Bill Jones' Motto, Supplement:  A .44 magnum beats four aces.",
"Canada Bill Jones' Motto:  It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.",
"Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 for postage and 30 for storage.  -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post",
"Canada has always been more of a Clark Kent than a Superman...  -- Tony Parsons",
"Canada.  51 weeks of winter followed by a single hockeyless week of summer.",
"Canada: Technically A Nation.  -- Dave Barry",
"Cancer cures smoking.",
"Candy coated cannibalistic news flashed across the screen.  -- Soul Asylum",
"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.  -- Willy Wonka",
"Cane them from every angle!  Let's drill their heads and pour in acid...  -- Howard Stern",
"Caning makes a lasting impression.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Cann's Axiom:  When all else fails, read the instructions.",
"Capital is the fruit of labor and could have never existed if labor had not first existed.  -- Abraham Lincoln, first annual address to Congress, 1861",
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.  -- Orrin Hatch, Sen-Utah",
"Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.",
"Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight.  It shines but it stinks.",
"Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth.  Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.",
"Capitalists are no more capable of self-sacrifice than a man is capable of lifting himself up by his own bra straps.  -- V.I. Lenin, Letters from Afar (1917)",
"Captain Kirk and I both want the same thing: the whole-hearted devotion of a naive alien.  And if certain things stand in our way... Klingons for Kirk, reality for me... well, we just have to suck in our guts, set the phasers on Stun, and hope for the best.  -- Ian Shoales",
"Captain please, not in front of the Klingons.",
"Captain, I just threw your palm tree overboard and what's all this crud about there being no movie tonight?  -- Mister Roberts",
"Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.",
"Car un enfant nous est ne, un fils nous est donne, et la domination reposera sur son epaule; on l'appellera Admirable Conseiller, Dieu puissant, Pere eternel, Prince de la paix.  -- Esaie 9:5",
"Card reader, n.:  A fortune teller",
"Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.",
"Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.  -- Tao Te Ching",
"Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.  -- Toa Te Ching",
"Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.  Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.",
"Carpe Diem.  Fish for 10 cents.",
"Carpe Noctum.  Seize the night.  I do more work after 2AM than most people do all day.",
"Carpe Post Meridian.  Seize Daylight Savings?",
"Carpe Rectum.  Seize my butt.",
"Carpe pecuniam.  Seize the money.",
"Carperpetuation, sniglet:  The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.",
"Carrier Detect, n.:  Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests.",
"Cars are the best things.  You just sit in them, and they take you places.  -- Tara Morrison",
"Cary Grant died in my home town.  My parents had tickets to see a speech he was giving - I don't know if they ever got a refund.  -- Steve Bondi",
"Case hit the power stud.  Aerol shuddered.  Case jacked him back out. \"What did you see, man?\"  \"Babylon,\" Aerol said, sadly...  -- William Gibson, Neuromancer",
"Cast everything as void* and presto, no more annoying type checking.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Castration takes balls.",
"Castration, n.:  A eunuch experience.",
"Cat law:  Always give generously.  A small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, I care.",
"Cat law:  Climb your way to the top.  That's why the drapes are there.",
"Cat law:  Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.",
"Cat law:  Find your place in the sun.  Especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry.",
"Cat law:  If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps.",
"Cat law:  Life is hard, then you nap.",
"Cat law:  Make your mark in the world.  Or at least spray in each corner.",
"Cat law:  Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.",
"Cat law:  Variety is the spice of life.  One day ignore people, the next day annoy them.",
"Cat law:  When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times.",
"Cat law:  When in doubt, cop an attitude.",
"Cat, n.:  Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.",
"Catachresis, n.:  1. a. Strained use of a word or phrase, as for rhetorical effect. b. A deliberately paradoxical figure of speech.  2. The improper use of a word or phrase, especially in application to something it does not denote, as the use of blatant to mean \"flagrant.\"",
"Catholic girls, they never confess.",
"Catholicism is not a soothing religion.  It's a painful religion.  We're all gluttons for punishment.  -- Madonna",
"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.  -- Garrison Keillor",
"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.  -- Jeff Valdez",
"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.",
"Caught a bolt of lightning, cursed the day he let it go.  -- Pearl Jam",
"Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.  -- Mark Twain",
"Cause of crash:  Inadvertent contact with the ground.",
"Caution:  your paradigms may have shifted while reading this message.",
"Cavaliers do it mounted.",
"Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.",
"Caveat lector.  Reader beware.",
"Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how good it did them.",
"Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.",
"Censor, n.:  One who sticks his no's into other peoples business.",
"Centaurs do it on all fours.",
"Central Park... it's the big green rectangle on the map of Manhattan.",
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny... did you ever try buying then without money?  -- Ogden Nash",
"Chaining, n.:  A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output",
"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.  -- Tom Waits",
"Champaign was started by a bunch of Chicagoans who said, \"Gee, I'm enjoying the crime, poverty, and cold, but there's just too much to do here.\"  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Champions can do it, but there are always Disadvantages.",
"Chance favors the prepared mind.  -- Louis Pasteur",
"Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.  -- Friends",
"Chandler:  The silver lining, if you want to see one, is that he made the decision all on his own, without any help from anyone.  Rachel:  *That's* the silver lining?  Chandler:  You have to reeeeally want to see it.  -- Friends",
"Change can't be prevented, only guided.  -- David Brin, Earth",
"Change is always powerful.  Let your hook be always cast.  In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish.  -- Ovid",
"Change is as constant as the restless sea.",
"Change is bad.  Give me bills every time.  -- John Dobbin",
"Change is certain.  Progress is not.  -- E.H. Carr",
"Change is difficult, uncomfortable and frightening.  That's how we know we are changing.  -- Bernie Siegel M.D., Love Medicine and Miracles",
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  -- Robert C. Gallagher",
"Change means movement.  Movement means friction.  Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict.  -- Saul Alinsky, The Purpose (1971)",
"Change your accent every three seconds.",
"Change your socks whenever we stop.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Changing QU to Z will communiZe a communiQUe.",
"Chaos is a friend of mine.  -- Bob Dylan",
"Chaos often breeds life when order breeds habit.  -- Henry Adams",
"Chaotic Evil means never having to say you are sorry.",
"Character is much easier kept than recovered.  -- Thomas Paine",
"Character is what a person is in the dark.",
"Character matters; leadership decends from character.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Character may be manifested in great moments, but it is created in the small ones.  -- Phillip Brooks",
"Charis washes herself with Body Shop shower gel, the Dewberry flavour: her arms, her neck, her legs with their nearly invisible scars.  -- Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride",
"Charity begins at home.  At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner.  -- Crabby Road",
"Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again.",
"Charity sees the need not the cause.  -- German Proverb",
"Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800.",
"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.",
"Charlie Sheen likes to watch good movies when his own flop. \"It makes you that much hungrier to find something really bitchin' for yourself,\" says Sheen, who thankfully is not considering Shakespearean roles.  -- Premiere",
"Charlie Sheen married model Donna Peele.  Charlie was overheard before the ceremony, \"Free?  How long has this been going on?\"",
"Charlie don't surf, but we think he should.  -- The Clash",
"Charlie don't surf.  -- Apocalypse Now",
"Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more.  What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.",
"Charlie, they took my thumbs!  -- The Pope of Greenwich Village",
"Chaste, n.:  Very much in the running.  -- J. Bailey, H. and J.C. Furnas",
"Chastity is curable, if detected early.",
"Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.  -- Aldous Huxley",
"Chataqua Boulevard Law:  Just when I finally figure out where it's at, somebody moves it.",
"Chauffeur me and I'll show for you.  -- Peter Gabriel",
"Cheap anything is a good thing. I don't need to be told this over and over.  -- John Dobbin",
"Check out fresh nugs.  Weasin the juice.  Aroooo!  Bud-dy.  -- Encino Man",
"Check out the signature, I think I've just been called a monkey...  -- John Dobbin",
"Checking that europa actually HAS gcc and cc, an extremely suspect proposition given this department.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Checkpoint, n.:  The location from which a programmer draws his salary",
"Checksum, n.:  Bank balance at the end of month",
"Checkuary, n.:  The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.",
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.",
"Cheese Flavored Six Pack...  -- John Dobbin contemplates rock band names",
"Chefs are sadistic.  They beat their eggs and whip their cream.",
"Chemicals, n.:  Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.",
"Chemistry majors do it experimentally.",
"Cheops' Law:  Nothing EVER gets built on schedule or within budget.",
"Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blue prints of your ultimate achievements.  -- Napoleon Hill",
"Chernobyl used MACs.",
"Cherries Jubilee, n.:  Feast of the Vestal Virgins.",
"Cherry Cobbler, n.:  A virgin shoemaker.",
"Cherry blossoms fall.  Cherry blossoms fall and fall.  Cherry blossoms fall.  -- Lloyd Wood",
"Cheryl: \"Katie, you're going to fall off the bed...\" Katie: \"No...\" <whump!>  -- the Klassas",
"Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.  -- Raymond Chandler",
"Chewie, take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive!",
"Chicago got started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said, Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.  -- Richard Jeni",
"Chicago, n.:  Where the dead still vote... early and often!",
"Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp!  Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp!  -- MST3K does porno music",
"Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.",
"Chicken.  Egg.  Me.  -- John Dobbin",
"Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath.  -- Top 5",
"Chicks in their twenties tend to be prolific writers.  They generally have a pretty easy to read style which is what I like.  -- John Dobbin",
"Child:  A blizzard is when is snows sideways.",
"Child:  A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.",
"Child:  A monsoon is a French gentleman.",
"Child:  A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.",
"Child:  Clouds are high flying fogs.",
"Child:  Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around.  And around.  There is not much else to do.",
"Child:  Hard mud is called shale.  Soft mud is called gooey.",
"Child:  Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.",
"Child:  I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.",
"Child:  In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.",
"Child:  In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.",
"Child:  Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.",
"Child:  It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.",
"Child:  Lime is a green tasting rock.",
"Child:  Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.",
"Child:  Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.",
"Child:  One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.",
"Child:  One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.",
"Child:  Rain is saved up in cloud banks.",
"Child:  Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.",
"Child:  Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help to make water.  So, sometimes it's brother against brother.",
"Child:  Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.",
"Child:  Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.",
"Child:  South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.",
"Child:  Talc is found on rocks and on babies.",
"Child:  The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.",
"Child:  The wind is like the air, only pushier.",
"Child:  There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.  Find them all means living forever.",
"Child:  There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.",
"Child:  Thunder is a rich source of loudness.",
"Child:  Vacuums are nothings.  We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.",
"Child:  We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.",
"Child:  When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy.  When planets do it, we say they are orbitting.",
"Child:  When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.  But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.",
"Child:  While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.",
"Child:  You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit.  If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.",
"Childhood is short and maturity is forever.  -- Bill Watterson",
"Children and the simple-hearted are nearer to God than most of us.  -- Maurice Francis Egan",
"Children are like wet cement.  Whatever falls on them makes an impression.  -- Haim Ginott",
"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.",
"Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.  -- Ogden Nash",
"Children died, the days grew cold, a piece of bread could buy a bag of gold.  I wish we'd all been ready.",
"Children have more need of models then of critics.  -- Joseph Joubert",
"Children have such a mystical sense of presence because of the way they meld their physical perceptions into their imaginations (green field consciousness).  -- Gayl Lepore",
"Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves.  -- Ernest Dimnet",
"Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.  -- Fran Lebowitz",
"Children need encouragement.  So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.  -- Jack Handey",
"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.  -- Harold S. Hulbert",
"Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.",
"Children with snacks must be eaten in the lobby.",
"Children, on average, laugh about 400 times a day.  Adults only about 15 times.  Scientists who study humor want to know why 385 laughs disappear.",
"Chili peppers burn my gut.  -- Side Hackers",
"Chimeric, adj.:  1. Created by or as if by a wildly fanciful imagination; highly improbable.  2. Given to unrealistic fantasies; fanciful.",
"China has agreed to crack down on the piracy of US \"intellectual property\".  Who would have ever thought that \"Porky's III\" would someday fall into THAT category?  The first counterfeiter arrested under terms of the new pact pleaded temporary insanity.  He had copied \"The Jerky Boys\".",
"Chinese family names are always formed from a sign meaning \"woman\".",
"Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.",
"Chiropractors are going to lose some badly needed concessions in the final Medicare bill.  That's because House members don't go to chiropractors.  See, you need a spine for their services.",
"Chivalry, n.:  A man's inclination to save a woman from everyone but himself.",
"Chocolate heart.  Complete with aorta amd other assorted veins and arteries.  ~robert/heart1.gif",
"Choose a job you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life.  -- Confucius",
"Choose life.  Choose a job.  Choose a career.  Choose a family.  Choose a fucking big television.  Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers...choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.  Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth.  Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.  Choose a future.  Choose life...  But why would I want to do a thing like that?  -- Trainspotting",
"Choosy perverts choose GIF.",
"Chopper always leaves you laughing.  -- MST3K",
"Chosen to go to a graveyard?  Why don't you take the first runner up?  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?  -- Jules Feiffer",
"Christ was a man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.",
"Christian Fundamentalism is the doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.",
"Christians are only allowed one wife and this is known as monotony.",
"Christians do it with grace.",
"Christie Brinkley's just another crater.  I guess it's true: no matter how good looking a woman is, eventually you get sick of her.  -- Howard Stern",
"Christmas comes but once a year.  Boy, am I glad my name isn't Christmas!",
"Christmas is when the children get something, and the parents pay.  A deficit is when the parents get something, and the children pay.  -- Mike Harris",
"Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.",
"Christopher Robin Hood: Steals from the rich to give to the Pooh.",
"Christopher Robin finished the mouthful he was eating and said carelessly: \"I saw a heffalump today, Piglet.\"  \"What was it doing?\" asked Piglet.  \"Just lumping along,\" said Christopher Robin.  -- Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh",
"Chrysler killed the cat.",
"Chunky bar breath and your Enquiring mind, when I see you in the morning looking like pork rind.  -- Rugburns",
"Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue.",
"Chutzpah, n.:  The quality that allows a man to murder both his parents and then throw himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.",
"Cigarette, n.:  Fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a little tobacco in between",
"Cinderella married for money.",
"Cinemuck, sniglet:  Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.",
"Cinnaminson is a city in New Jersey which no one can spell correctly.",
"Circe prefers animals.",
"Circular definition, n.:  See definition, circular.",
"Citizen Kane?  A masterpiece.  But every real man knows it would have been better if a huge Mack truck with the word ROSEBUD emblazoned on the trailer drove through the front gate of the mansion and then KAA-POWWWWW!  -- Denis Leary",
"Civility is at the mild end of morality.  -- Bill Maher",
"Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!",
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.  -- Toynbee",
"Civilization is revving itself into a pathologically short attention span.  The trend might be coming from the acceleration of technology, the short-horizon perspective of market-driven economics, the next-election perspective of democracies, or the distractions of personal multi-tasking.  All are on the increase.  -- www.longnow.org",
"Civilizations are born Stoic and die Epicurean.  -- Will Durant, _The History of Civilization_",
"Civilize the mind, make savage the body.",
"Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down, hence the expression to get fired.",
"Clarity is my curse.  -- John Dobbin",
"Clark Kent is a transvestite.",
"Clarke's First Law:  When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right.  When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.  -- Arthur C. Clarke, Profiles of the Future",
"Clarke's Second Law:  But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.",
"Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.",
"Clasp the hands and know the thoughts of men in other lands.  -- John Masefield",
"Classic oxymoron:  Advanced Basic.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Civil War.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Free Love.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Good Morning.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Jumbo Shrimp.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Married Life.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Military Intelligence.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Police Protection.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Postal Service.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Rap Music.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Soviet Union.",
"Classic oxymoron:  The Honorable Justice Clarence Thomas.",
"Classic oxymoron:  Voting Power.",
"Clean earth smells funny.",
"Clean mind, clean body:  take your pick.",
"Cleanliness is next to impossible.",
"Clear conscience, n.:  Poor memory.",
"Clearly, the greatest obstacle to the Internet's mass acceptance is its nonportability.  Put bluntly: it can't be browsed while relaxing on the toilet.  A shame really, considering how well suited much of its content is for precisely that arena.  -- www.suck.com",
"Cleave ever to the sunnier side of doubt.  -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, The Ancient Sage",
"Cleopatra lived and loved on denial.",
"Clerics do it in church.",
"Clerics do it with their gods.",
"Cleveland Indians All-Star Albert Belle was suspended for corking his bat.   Is that the same thing that got Pee Wee Herman in trouble?  -- David Letterman",
"Cleveland... I spent a month there one day last year.",
"Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.",
"Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow till you find your dream.  -- The Sound of Music",
"Climbing a mountain in silence helps to give ascent.",
"Clinton = Carter + Perot.  -- Mark Russell",
"Clinton and I exist in the same concentric circle of the mularkey dartboard.  -- Dennis Miller",
"Clinton got his harrassment and whitewater cases mixed up, and accidentally shredded a pair of panties.  -- Jay Leno",
"Clinton is one Bill George Bush can't veto...",
"Clinton say, NO MORE BU__ SH__!",
"Clinton slings bullshit better than a street sweeper in Pamplona.  -- Dennis Miller",
"Clinton wants it both ways more than Dennis Rodman... He makes Ronald Reagan look like Steve Buscemi... Deep down, we are all Hillary.  -- Dennis Miller",
"Clock interrupt, n.:  What wakes you up in the morning.",
"Clones are people two.",
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.",
"Close Reading, n.:  What you will do if it's hard to get to a research library.  -- Catherine Ellen Maragos",
"Close enough is subject to negotiation.  -- Joel Saltz",
"Close is a lingerie shop without a window.  -- Lethal Weapon 3",
"Close your eyes and press escape three times.",
"Close your eyes and try to imagine how LITTLE I care.",
"Close, stand close to me Starbuck, let me look into a human eye.  It is better than to gaze upon sea and sky. It is better than to gaze upon God.  -- Ahab, Moby Dick",
"Closed hearing for the caption impaired...",
"Closings scare me.  I take them way too seriously.  Was I really being sincere?  Is it wrong to sing love for a cousin?  God, the nightmares I used to have over thank you notes...  -- John Dobbin",
"Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of movement.  -- Egon Friedell",
"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.  -- Mark Twain",
"Clothing makes the man, but no clothing makes the woman.  -- John Dobbin",
"Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.  -- George Carlin",
"Cluck, cluck, gibble, gibble, my pa's a raving mushroom.  -- Blackadder IV",
"Cluefulness is neccessarily correlated with ambition to achieve anything.  The first rank at least has that much of a self-selection bias in its favor.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Cluelessness... try it!",
"Clutter and confusion are failures of design, not attributes of information.  There's no such thing as information overload.  -- Edward Tufte",
"Cobain faked his death and is now delivering pizzas for Domino's in Sonoma County in California.",
"Cobra, n.:  Bra worn by Siamese twins.",
"Coca-Cola is the Official Carbonated Beverage That Tastes Pretty Much The Same as Pepsi of the 1996 Olympics.  -- Dave Barry",
"Coca-Cola literally translates to \"Bite The Wax Tadpole\" in Japanese.",
"Cocaine -- the thinking man's Aspirin.",
"Cocaine isn't habit-forming.  I should know.  I've been using it for years.  -- Tallulah Bankhead",
"Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.",
"Code so clean... you can eat off it.",
"Code, n.:  A means of concealing bugs favored by programmers.",
"Coding, n.:  An addictive drug.",
"Coffee is a social disorder.",
"Coffee is not for kids.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Coffee without brandy is a terrible mix.  -- Sailor of the Seven Seas",
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.  I think I think therefore I think I am.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Cogito eggo sum.  I think, therefore I waffle.",
"Cogito ergo spud.  I think, therefore I yam.",
"Cogno-intellectual?  What a truly awful word.  In a cogno-intellectual way of course.  -- John Dobbin",
"Coin tossing, cookie tossing, rock rolling, fantastic weirding... it's amazing that we ever have ANY free time.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Coincidence, n.:  You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was going on.",
"Coincidences always happen for a reason.",
"Coincidences are spiritual puns.  -- G.K. Chesterton",
"Cokes are 49 cents apiece.  Two for a dollar.",
"Cold, adj.:  When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.",
"Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.",
"College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.",
"College isn't the place to go for ideas.  -- Hellen Keller",
"Colleges should enforce academic standards for athletes.  If an athlete earns a letter, he should be able to spell it.",
"Collimate, v. tr.:  1. To make parallel; line up.  2. To adjust the line of sight of (an optical device).",
"Colophon, n.:  1. An inscription placed usually at the end of a book, giving facts about its publication. 2. A publisher's emblem or trademark placed usually on the title page of a book.",
"Colophon: this post was written at LAX, inflight to ORD, at ORD, inflight BWI-DEN, at DEN, and inflight DEN-LAX (and Toi's).  I need a longer battery...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Colours seen by candlelight will not look the same by day.  -- E.B. Browning",
"Colvard's Logical Premises:  All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.",
"Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:  This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.",
"Come as you are.  As you were.  As you'd want me to be.  -- Nirvana",
"Come back ya pansie!  I'll bite yer legs off!  -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail",
"Come down off the cross; we need the wood.  -- Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mount Morgan",
"Come get me when they show the shower scene in Dressed to Kill.  -- PCU",
"Come in the Bahamas.  -- Crazy People",
"Come on, I'll show you to my room.  That sounds so weird when it's not followed by no thank you, it's late.  -- Friends",
"Come on, admit it.  Don't you guys miss drugs a little?  -- Seinfeld",
"Come on, that's not fair.  Doesn't everybody steal toilet paper in college?  -- John Dobbin",
"Come on.  The first thing Uncle Eli teaches the little sperm in Reeboks is how to sneak into the ball park.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"Come roll in all the riches all around you, and for once, never wonder what they're worth.  -- Pocahontas",
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.  -- Blair Houghton",
"Come!  Let us dance like children of the night.  -- So I Married an Axe Murderer",
"Come, and take choice of all my library, and so beguile thy sorrow.  -- Titus Andronicus [IV.i.34]",
"Comfort is not an emotion that needs to be administered vaginally.  -- Jay McInerney, Brightness Falls",
"Comics are like gossamer, and you don't dissect gossamer.   -- The New Yorker editor on Seinfeld",
"Coming in second place just means you were the first person to lose.  -- Jeff Hawkins",
"Coming soon to a store near you: AirBag for Windows95.  Designed by the world's top engineers to protect you from injury when you slam your head into your monitor in frustration.",
"Coming soon:  Mouse support for edlin...",
"Coming soon:  Netware for the Nintendo...",
"Coming up next... a *VERY* special Blossom.",
"Coming with the style of a Celtic rebel, those that ain't on my level call me the blue-eyed devil.  -- House of Pain",
"Coming, I don't enter by the gate.  Leaving I don't exit by the door.  This very body is the land of tranquil light.",
"Comins' Law:  People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.",
"Command, n.:  A suggestion made to a computer.",
"Commandment #3: \"Thou shalt not Bogart thy neighbor's bud.\"  -- Top 5",
"Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back.  -- Top 5",
"Commie governments rewrite history.  Only the future is certain; the past is ever changing.",
"Commit random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.",
"Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.",
"Commit yourself to a dream... Nobody who tries to do something great but fails is a total failure.  Why?  Because he can always rest assured that he succeded in life's most important battle.  He defeated the fear of trying.  -- Robert H. Schuller",
"Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.",
"Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Common sense is instinct.  Enough of it is genius.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.  -- Albert Einstein",
"Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.  Everyone thinks he has enough.  -- Descartes, 1637",
"Common sense isn't...",
"Communication Breakdown, it's always the same.  I'm having a nervous breakdown, it drives me insane.  -- Led Zeppelin",
"Communications majors do it with their mouths.",
"Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.  -- Top 5",
"Communism failed because it can't account for ethereal things like haircuts and financial services.  -- Robert Harley",
"Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop.",
"Communism is the most painful path from capitalism to capitalism.",
"Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.",
"Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.  -- Top 5",
"Comparatively few women post to the Usenet; those who do are instantly bombarded with thousands of \"friendly\" notes from sex-starved net surfers hoping to score a new friend.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Comparisons are as bad as cliches.",
"Compassion is a virtue but i don't have the time.  -- Talking Heads",
"Compassion is no substitute for justice.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Compatible, n.:  Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.",
"Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.",
"Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.  -- David Sarnoff",
"Complete this sentence:  I never met a man I didn't like  a. to cheat.  b. at first.  c. to avoid.  d. better than you.  -- Robert Byrne",
"Compulsive Gambler, n.:  A guy who would rather lay a bet.",
"Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.",
"Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.",
"Computer Science majors do it bit by bit.",
"Computer Scientists automate it.",
"Computer Scientists can give you lots of pointers.",
"Computer Scientists do it byte by byte.",
"Computer chips are small because computers take small bytes.",
"Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates' wife is pregnant.  Gates explained, 'Don't let the name Microsoft fool you.'  -- Conan O'Brien",
"Computer graphics: the only CS field where if it looks right, it is right.  Ho hum.  -- Robert Harley",
"Computer nerds have pictures of beautiful women in their X background so they can say, \"She's my X girlfriend.\"",
"Computer possessed?  Try DEVICE=C:\\EXOR.SYS",
"Computer science has the unfortunate characteristic that many of the pioneers in the field are still alive and doing research.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Computer science is too important to be left to computer scientists.  -- a recent Caltech provost",
"Computer, n.:  A million morons working at the speed of light.",
"Computer: Intel Inside.  You: Imbecile Inside.  -- Top 5",
"Computers Rule 01001111 01001011.",
"Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.  -- Pablo Picasso",
"Computers do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do.",
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.  -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949",
"Computers run on faith, not electrons.",
"Computers save time like kudzu prevents soil erosion.  -- Al Castanoli",
"Conan, the day you get your talk show is the day there'll be peace in the Middle East.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"Concerned Salmon would be an excellent name for a rock band.  -- John Feiler and Megan Coughlin, musing about the worried expression on the faces of some salmon Megan painted",
"Concrete shoes, cyanide, TNT, contracts, neckties, high voltage, done dirt cheap.  -- AC/DC",
"Condense soup, not books!",
"Conditional branch, n.:  A dowsing rod.",
"Conditions are so multivariate that it's difficult to isolate causes from effects.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Condom Classics:  Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.",
"Condom Classics:  Cover your stump before you hump.",
"Condom Classics:  Don't be a fool; vulcanize your tool.",
"Condom Classics:  Don't be silly, rubber that willy.",
"Condom Classics:  Feeling spunky? Cap that monkey.",
"Condom Classics:  It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.",
"Condom Classics:  Package your meat before going into heat.",
"Condom, n.:  External storage.",
"Condominium, n.:  A prophalectic for midgets.",
"Condominiums are not effective birth control.",
"Condoms only work during the school year.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.  -- Peter de Vries",
"Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.",
"Confidence is very sexy.  Don't you think?  -- Jack Palance",
"Conformity obstructs progress.",
"Confucious say too much.  -- recent Chinese saying",
"Confucious say:  A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it, is committing a second mistake.",
"Confucious say:  Before flushing the toilet of despair, wait until the urine of hope is depleted.",
"Confucious say:  He who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.",
"Confucious say:  He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.",
"Confucious say:  I didn't say that!",
"Confucious say:  Man spit in wind, wind spit back.",
"Confucious say:  Man standing on toilet is high on pot.",
"Confucious say:  Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling.",
"Confucious say:  Man who go to bed with stiff problem, often wake up with solution in hand.",
"Confucious say:  Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.",
"Confucious say:  Man who meows ate pussy!",
"Confucious say:  Man with athletic finger make broad jump.",
"Confucious say:  Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.",
"Confucious say:  Man with no legs bums around.",
"Confucious say:  Relax.",
"Confucious say:  Those who quote me are fools.",
"Confucious say:  Wife for life better than wife for strife.",
"Confucious say:  Woman run faster with skirt up than man with pants down.",
"Confucious say:  Woman who fly upside down said to have crack up in air.",
"Confucious say:  Woman who puts chicken and peas in soup very unhygienic.",
"Confucious say:  Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.",
"Confucious say:  Woman worth her weight in gold usually cost as much.",
"Confucius says: Cross the river, THEN insult the crocodiles.",
"Confused is when you see your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new BMW.",
"Confusion is the state of mind when you're not really sure you have one.  -- Louisa Bennett",
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours.",
"Congratulations, the easiest $1000 you will probably make.  -- William Rifkin, 10/28/97",
"Congress is a speed bump on the information superhighway.",
"Congress is discussing adding 2 new faces to Mount Rushmore.  President Bill Clinton's.",
"Congress may not enact discriminatory legislation because it desires to insulate heterosexual service members from statements that might excite their prejudices.  -- US Fed Judge Eugene Nickerson, in his ruling against the \"Don't ask, don't tell\" policy regarding gays in the U.S. military",
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.  -- First Amendment of the US Constitution",
"Congress should apologize to all women, because if we'd had the vote, we would have voted against slavery since we know what it's like having been wives.",
"Congress spends like a drunk sailor, and that's unfair for two reasons.  The sailor spends his own money, and, eventually, he sobers up.  -- Richard Nixon",
"Congress will pass a law restricting public comment on the Internet to individuals who have spent a minimum of one hour actually accomplishing a specific task while on line.  -- Andrew Grove, Intel Corp CEO, NY Times, 1/2/96",
"Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"Conscience, n.:  The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.",
"Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.",
"Consciousness is just a stupid hack.  -- Danny Hillen",
"Consciousness, n.:  That annoying time between naps.",
"Consequences, shmonsequences.  So long as I'm rich.  -- Daffy Duck",
"Conservatism is the policy of make no change and consult your grandmother when in doubt.  -- Woodrow Wilson",
"Conservative, n.:  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distiguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Conservative, n.:  One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.  -- Leo C. Rosten",
"Conserve energy.  Be apathetic.",
"Consider how stupid the average person is, then think that half are dumber.",
"Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.  -- Jack Handey",
"Consider the postage stamp.  Its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.  -- Josh Billings",
"Consider the set of all Erector Sets.  If you owned all Erector Sets, you would not have many Erector Sets, but one Erector Set.  The set of Erector Sets includes itself; the set of teaspoons does not.  The set of teaspoons is not a teaspoon.  Sets of familiar things like teaspoons do not include themselves, so one might presume we had a good grasp on the properties of these sets.  -- Mack Rhinelander",
"Considering what a wonderful invention computer are, they certainly have a way of making you feel like pouring coffee into their private parts and listening to them scream.  -- Dave Barry",
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.  -- Bernard Berenson",
"Consistent mediocrity, delivered on a large scale, is much more profitable than anything on a small scale, no matter how efficient it might be.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Conslutant, n.:  A consultant who will do anything for anybody... for a fee.",
"Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.",
"Conspiracy, n.:  The opiate of the asses.",
"Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.",
"Constipation is the thief of time.",
"Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.",
"Consultation, n.:  Medical term meaning \"to share the wealth\".",
"Consuming Jaegermeister is like drinking liquid valium.  -- The Spot",
"Contemplation is the fornication of the mind.  -- Gary Benson",
"Contempt for happiness is usually contempt for other people's happiness, and is an elegant disguise for hatred of the human race.  -- Bertrand Russell",
"Context is important, but not nearly as important as content.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Contextually?  [Zeitgeist is] another word people use to sound cool that doesn't really convey meaning.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Contraceptive, n.:  A labor saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.",
"Contracrostipunctus, n.:  A study in levels of meaning.  -- Douglas Hofstadter",
"Contractions aren't necessary.",
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.",
"Contrary to what you might think, I am not the animal that urinated on your car's fender.",
"Convalescence is that vague time when you're better than you were but still not as well as you were before you were as sick as you are now.",
"Conventions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.  -- Nietzsche",
"Conversation Piece, n.:  A girl who likes to talk in bed.",
"Conversation, n.:  A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.",
"Conversations are the currency with which we negotiate our own future.",
"Conversed with any plankton lately?",
"Convicted rapper Tupac Shakur says he's not a gangster, he's an artist.  Great, a few more felonies and we can hang him in the Louvre.",
"Conway's Law:  In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.  This person must be fired.",
"Cooks do it with oil.",
"Cool Site of the Day, nothing!  Where's my Cool Site of the Hour?",
"Cool only in the sense that it slows the flow of electrons in your brain to nearly zero as your interest in the topic converges on -459.67 F.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Cool's eternal, but it's always dated.  -- Fugazi",
"Cool, a toilet.  They should put more toilets in videos.  -- Beavis",
"Cool, it's the semi-annual Tiffany list message.  -- John Dobbin",
"Coolie, n.:  A quickie in the snow.",
"Cope.  Dope.  Mope.  Soap?  Nope.  Actually, rope was what I expected after soap.  The only other words I can think of for this are: grope, hope, pope, scope, slope, taupe.  Any I'm missing?  -- John Dobbin",
"Copy nature and you infringe on the work of our Lord.  Interpret nature and you are an artist.  -- Jacques Lipchitz",
"Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association.",
"Core storage, n.:  A receptacle for the center section of apples",
"Corn isn't a problem.  It's on the edible list.  Corn, peas, carrots, lettuce in some situations, pickles, potatoes, string beans in some situations.  -- John Dobbin",
"Corners wear off, said the big O, and shapes change.  -- Shel Silverstein",
"Coronation, n.:  The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.",
"Corporation, n.:  An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?",
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Thou Shalt Not Kill one of your main Commandments?  And Thou Shalt Not Be A Lesbian didn't even make the top ten.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Corrupt, adj.:  In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.",
"Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?",
"Could life possibly suck any more?  -- Robert Harley",
"Could she be any more out of my league?  Right now, I'm very conscious of my tongue.  -- Friends",
"Could you excuse me?  My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.",
"Could you please play that Michael Jackson song?  I haven't heard it in about 45 minutes.  -- John Dobbin",
"Could you please spot us a pizza?  -- Reality Bites",
"Couldn't myself have better it said.  -- Chris Stevens, KBHR",
"Count Dracula, your Bloody Mary is ready.",
"Counter, n.:  An area over which martinis are served",
"Courage is grace under pressure.  -- Ernest Hemingway",
"Courage is not freedom from fear.  It's being afraid and moving on.",
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.  -- Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson",
"Court jesters do it in front of a crowd (for laughs).",
"Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.",
"Covered in hope, and vaseline, still cannot fix this broken machine.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"Coward, n.:  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.",
"Crambo, n.:  Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.",
"Crash, n.:  Normal termination.",
"Create a vision and never let the environment, other people's beliefs, or the limits of what has been done in the past shape your decisions.  Ignore conventional wisdom.  -- Anthony Robbins",
"Creative breakthroughs are experiential.  They don't come from intellectual analysis.  -- Lucia Capacchione",
"Creative marketing, n.:  A company that owns 15 donut shops and 4 weight loss clinics.",
"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training.  -- Anna Freud",
"Creativity in programming is to find deep simplicities in a complex process.  -- Harlan Mills",
"Creativity is just connecting things.  When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something.  It seemed obvious to them after a while.  That's because they were able to connect experiences they've had and synthesize new things.  -- Steve Jobs",
"Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous.  -- Bill Moyers",
"Creativity is the juxtaposition of formerly unrelated ideas to product new ideas.  -- The Journal of NIH Research",
"Creativity often consists of merely turning up what is already there.  Did you know that right and left shoes were thought up only a little over a century ago?  -- Bernice Fitz-Gibbon",
"Creature from the black latrine.  -- Blackadder II",
"Credit is a system that lets us start at the bottom and dig ourselves a hole.",
"Credit is what keeps you from knowing how far past broke you are.  -- Zingers",
"Creditors have better memories than debtors.  -- Ben Franklin",
"Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.  -- Charles Lamb",
"Crime Control: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!",
"Crime does not pay...  as well as politics.  -- A.E. Newman",
"Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?",
"Crime is down, and oddly enough, so is tourism.  -- Brain Candy",
"Crime is so bad in the city they're opening more doughnuts shops.",
"Crime is so rampant in most big cities that now even muggers travel in pairs.",
"Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it!",
"Criminals do commit 90% of all crimes.  -- John Dobbin",
"Cringely's Second Law states that in computers, ease of use with equivalent performance varies with the square root of the cost of development.  -- Robert X. Cringely",
"Critical path method, n.:  A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.",
"Croll's Query:  If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?",
"Cross a midget with a computer and you get a short circuit.",
"Cross country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.",
"Cruciverbalist, n.:  ???",
"Cruel and unusual employment.",
"Cryonicists Stay Stiff Longer.",
"Cryptography is an enormously powerful tool that needs to be controlled, just as we control bombs and rockets.  -- David A. Lytel, President's Office of Science and Technology Policy",
"Cthulhu cthucks, but does he cthwallow?",
"Cthulhu does it on an island.",
"Cthulhu saves.  In case he's hungry later.",
"Cuba used to have a great rowing team, but all the really good rowers ended up on the US team.",
"Cult of Aloneness, n.:  The need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of long-term relationships.  Often brought about by overly high expectations of others.  -- Douglas Coupland",
"Cult:  It just means not enough people to make a minority.  -- Robert Altman",
"Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister.",
"Curiosity killed the Kerouac cat.  -- Bad Religion",
"Curious people are interesting people.  Why is that?  -- Bill Maher",
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh No, Not Again.",
"Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath.  -- Nirvana",
"Cute animals and kids never go out of style.  -- John Dobbin",
"Cute is NOT pretty.  Striking?  Pretty with a big nose.  Sexy?  Pretty and easy.  Voluptuous?  Pretty and fat.  Exotic?  Ugly.  -- Newsradio",
"Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts?  And how do you breathe through that little thing?",
"Cutting through the acronyms and argot that littered the hearing testimony, the Internet may fairly be regarded as a never-ending worldwide conversation.  The Government may not, through the CDA, interrupt that conversation.  -- Judge Dalzell, CDA panel",
"Cyber Linguist Extraordinaire.",
"Cyberspace is an illusion, virtual reality is not reality, instantaneous communication with bodies huddled over computer screens is not communication.  It's funny how many people have swallowed the WWW bait.  People itch to go home and log on to the WWW.  -- The Raven, Anarchist Quarterly, Vol. 8, no 4. ISSN 0951 4066",
"Cyberspace is the great equalizer, of sex and sexual orientation, of race and color and religion and creed and philosophy and aspirations.  It has great potential, don't you think?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Cycle stealing, n.:  Petty larceny.",
"Cyclic Redundancy Check, n.:  Taking inventory at a bike shop.",
"Cynic, n.:  One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.",
"Cynosure, n.:  1. An object that serves as a focal point of attention and admiration.  2. Something that serves to guide.",
"DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia.",
"DAMM - Drunks Against MADD Mothers.",
"DANGER!  Computer store ahead, hide wallet!",
"DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.",
"DEMENTED AND SAD, but social.  -- The Breakfast Club",
"DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment.",
"DEer Mystr Prisadent, I ned two lern too red badlee. Tim. Ps.. seand the chek to Tim Byars.",
"DIET: meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee.  In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see HEALTH.  -- Denis Leary",
"DM's do it any way they feel like it.",
"DM's do it behind a screen.",
"DM's do it to YOU real good.",
"DM's do it whether you like it or not.",
"DM's do it with dice.",
"DM's have better encounters.",
"DNA, n.:  The splice of life.",
"DO NOT EAT THE BROWN VIAGRA!  THE BROWN VIAGRA IS BAD, MAN!  -- Top 5",
"DOH 1:  I believe that that correct spelling is \"Dohh!\"  Read it in SPY mag.",
"DOH 2:  Ahem. It's \"D'Oh!\"  as spelled in Simpsons Illustrated, to which I subscribe.",
"DOS 5.0:  Yesterday's operating system, today!",
"DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS",
"DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.",
"DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again.",
"DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.",
"DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!",
"DOWN WITH SWANS!  I wouldn't wipe my nose with a swan.  -- Edward Abbey, discussing the superiority of herons and cranes",
"Dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs.  -- Les Barker",
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.  -- Jack Handey",
"Dad once told me, Son, if you can make a big girl feel small, and a small girl feel tiny, then you've got something.",
"Daddy, is he spreading pollen all over her now?",
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?",
"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?",
"Daed si laup.",
"Daily breakfast ritual: a little hair of the dog and a fresh stogie.  -- Top 5",
"Dairy group.  Milk duds.  Hide these under your pillow so your mom doesn't find them, because if she does, you're tweaked, buddy.  -- Encino Man",
"Damn the rules, it's the feeling that counts.  -- John Coltrane",
"Damn!  I hate being the Voice of Reason (tm) (Microsoft patent pending).",
"Damn, we're smooth.  -- Beavis",
"Dan Marino should die of gonnorhea and rot in hell.  Would you like a cookie, son?  -- Ace Ventura",
"Dan Quayle hopes that, with luck, someone will step forward with a donor appendix.  -- Jay Leno",
"Dan Quayle is the Rosetta Stone of American comedy.  -- Dennis Miller",
"Dan Rather: Mogadishu.  David Letterman: Gehzunteit.",
"Dance all around the word \"pizza.\"  Avoid saying it at all costs.  If s/he says it, say, \"Please don't mention that word.\"",
"Dance with the one that brought you.  -- Ken Thompson",
"Dance.  Bum Rush the speaker that booms.  I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.  -- Vanilla Ice",
"Dancers do it with grace.",
"Dancing, n.:  A vertical expression of a horizontal intention.",
"Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.",
"Daphne: Come on now, Dr. Crane.  It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.  Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want?  Sex IS what we want!  -- Frasier",
"Darby Proverb:  A hole is only as big as you dig it.",
"Darby Proverb:  A rock is only as hard as you throw it.",
"Darby Proverb:  Bush: stay out of mine.",
"Darby Proverb:  Into shit we are seeking smell.",
"Darby Proverb:  Never look a cow in the udder.",
"Darby Proverb:  Physics makes the world go round.",
"Darby Proverb:  Tears are tiny scars that last forever. ",
"Darby Proverb:  The act of survival will soon make us extinct.",
"Darby Proverb:  The change your face you must break your mirror.",
"Darby Proverb:  The earth rotates on a vegatable axis.",
"Darby Proverb:  To leap you must jump.",
"Darby Proverb:  Trees are extensions of the feelings of life.",
"Darby Proverb:  Without rocks there wouldn't be sand.",
"Darby on the SATs:  My life reduced to dots.  -- George K. Darby",
"Dare to be stupid.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"Darkness envelopes the earth, but people in Portland and Seattle notice no difference.  -- Jay Leno",
"Darkness is much faster than light.  No matter how fast light travels, it will always find darkness there waiting.",
"Darling, n.:  The popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment recall.  -- Oliver Herford",
"Darn!  I had declared today a no-netscape-no-usenet-day.  I'm only five minutes in the office and I just have to check this out...  What a guy won't do for a tiny pixellated scan of an out-of-focus photograph of a babe.  -- Robert Harley",
"Darryl Strawberry has pleaded guilty to tax evasion in exchange for a three month prison term.  This means that the next time he's traded, it could be for a carton of cigarettes.",
"Darryl Strawberry turned 35, which is about 53 in drug years.",
"Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.",
"Dat funky muzik will drive us till da dawn... let's go, let's bugaloo till we puke.  -- Robin Williams",
"Data parallelism, n.:  The model of parallel computing in which only one thing goes wrong at a time.",
"Database administrators do it with their relations.",
"Date and meal have very much in common.  Very much dog.",
"Dating advice:  Be interested not interesting.",
"Dave, quit lying, I know you ate all the Cracklin' Oat Bran!",
"Dave... Dave?  What are you doing Dave?  -- Hal, 2001",
"David Duke threw in the sheet.",
"David Letterman recently recited what he claims is his email address when interviewed by Larry King:  \"WWWW.com.com.com.dot.dot.dot.com.com.diggedy.diggedy. dank.dot.com.diggedy.www.com.Dave.com.com.dot.\"",
"Dawn, n.:  The time when men of reason go to bed.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Dawson's First Law:  You don't have enough outlets.",
"Daydreams, lies and trouble.  That's the stuff of fiction.  -- Robin Hemley",
"De Gaulle remarks... about the American \"will to power, cloaking itself in idealism.\" By now, this will to power is not so much cloaked in idealism as it is drowned in fatuity.  -- Chomsky ",
"De nos jours,un belge exile n'en vaut-il pas deux?",
"DeVries' Dilemma:  If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.",
"Dead birds don't fall out of the nest.  -- Winston Churchill",
"Dead people are cool.",
"Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.",
"Dear Aunt Em,  Love you.  Hate Kansas.  Took the dog.  Love, Dorothy",
"Dear Dad:  Hate you, eloping with Mom.  Taking your cigars and sports car.  -- Love, Sigmund",
"Dear God, So far today, I've done all right.  I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.  I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish.  But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed  and that is when I'm going to need a lot of help.  Amen.",
"Dear God, You wouldn't need to make so many new people if you took better care of the one's you've already got.",
"Dear God... this... this... parachute is a KNAPSACK...  -- Friends",
"Dear John, Don't be hard on yourself.  Give yourself a break.  Life wasn't meant to be run.  The race is over.  You won.  -- John Lennon, Dear John",
"Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.  If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).  -- Homer Simpson",
"Dear Lord:  I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear \"On the other hand\", again.",
"Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka:  Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.  -- Catch-22",
"Dear Prue, sober or not, I am ever yours.  -- Richard Steele in 1716 to his wife",
"Dear prudence, won't you come out to play?  Dear prudence, open up your eyes.  Dear prudence, see the sunny skies.  The wind is low, the birds will sing, that you are part of everything.  -- the Beatles",
"Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.",
"Death before decaf!",
"Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.",
"Death before dishonor; drugs before noon.  -- PJ O'Rourke's Etiquette for Rude People",
"Death before dissertation.",
"Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.",
"Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.",
"Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.",
"Death is hereditary.",
"Death is life's answer to the question, WHY?",
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.  -- R. Geis",
"Death is lighter than a feather, duty is heavier than a mountian.",
"Death is nature's way of saying HOWDY.",
"Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.",
"Death is only a state of mind.  Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.",
"Death is permanent, except in sequels.",
"Death is something we're all destined to do.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Death is the mother of all beauty.  -- Wallace Stevens",
"Death, n.:  To stop sinning suddenly.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Death.  The ultimate red light.  Can you run it?  -- John Dobbin",
"Debate is the jewel in the crown of analytical thinking, and it's something I admire.  -- Michael Stipe",
"Debate, n.:  What lures de fishes.",
"Debaters do it in pairs, orally, for eight minutes at a time, standing up, in front of a judge.",
"Debbie Harry is def, dumb, and blonde.",
"Debonyms.  How useful.  ABF = Another Brick Falls...  -- John Dobbin",
"Debug is human, de-fix divine.",
"Debug, n.:  What an exterminator does.",
"Debugging is parallelizable.  -- Jeff Dutky",
"Decaf, please.  My heartbeat's already reached an acceptable rate for today.  -- It Could Happen to You",
"Decaffeinated, n.:  A cow who has just had an abortion.",
"Deceive not yourself, or you're really stupid.",
"Decide promptly, but never give any reasons.  Your decisions may be right, but your reason are sure to be wrong.  -- Lord Mansfield",
"Decision is a sharp knife that cut clean and straight.  Indecision is a dull one that hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges behind.  -- Ian McKeithen",
"Declare war on Tahiti; fly there immediately to begin a month of peace talks.  -- Top 5",
"Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening?  -- Friends",
"Deeds, not stones, are the true monuments of the great.  -- John L. Motley",
"Default, n.:  De line west of which CA will drift to sea at de next major quake.",
"Defeat: For every winner, there are dozens of losers.  Odds are, you're one of them.  -- www.despair.com",
"Defenders of the Usenet say that it is a grand compact based on cooperation.  What they don't say is that it is also based on name-calling, harrassment, and letter-bombs.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Defense lawers referred to OJ as the embodiment of the \"American Dream.\"  Of course, they've also referred to sulfuric acid as \"America's Favorite Thirst Quencher\".",
"Define H2O and CO2?  H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.",
"Define self-reference for me, please.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Define yourself and give three examples.",
"Define, n.:  De ting you get for breaking de law.",
"Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.",
"Degenerecy can be fun, but it's hard to keep up as a serious lifetime occupation.",
"Deicide, deduced the cunning linguist.",
"Deja Moo, n.:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.",
"Delayed payment, n.:  A tourniquet applied at the pockets.",
"Deliberation, n.:  The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.",
"Deliver me, O Lord, from the errors of wise men, yea, and of good men.  -- Archbishop Robert Leighton (1611-1684)",
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.",
"Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!",
"Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.  -- David Letterman",
"Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.  -- David Letterman",
"Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.  -- David Letterman",
"Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.  -- David Letterman",
"Dem special effects is FAN tastic.  -- David Letterman",
"Democracy can learn some things from Communism.  For example, when a Communist politician is through, he is through.",
"Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.  -- Alan Coren",
"Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.  -- James Russell Lowell",
"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.",
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.  -- Senator Soaper",
"Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.",
"Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"Democracy is four wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for lunch.",
"Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.  -- Jawaharlal Nehru",
"Democracy is not a spectator sport.  -- Bill Bradley",
"Democracy is the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.  -- E.B. White",
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.",
"Democracy's GREAT!  Even George Bush can chunder!",
"Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.",
"Demons are a ghoul's best friend.",
"Demons do it wherever they damned well please.",
"Demonstrating, once again, that subtle difference between creativity and complex stupidity.  -- Dogbert",
"Denervate, v. tr. Medicine:  1. To deprive (an organ or body part) of a nerve supply, as by surgically removing or cutting a nerve or by blocking a nerve connection with drugs.",
"Denial is always the first symptom.",
"Dennis Quaid tries to pull off this fake Irish accent that sounds like he's just had a shot of Novocain.  Half way through the film the accent has disappeared and there's \"Everybody's All American\" standing in the fjords with a sword in his hand waiting for the flying Barney.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Dennis Rodman is the Rohit of the NBA.  -- Joe Kiniry",
"Denouement or electroshock therapy?  You be the judge.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Dentist, n.:  A prestidigitator who, after putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Dentists do it in the chair.",
"Dentopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it.  I've been practicing it for years.  -- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh",
"Deny your maker.  -- Alice in Chains",
"Department of Redundancy Department",
"Depend upon it, that lovers of freedom will be free.  -- Edmund Burke, 1774",
"Depledge now, avoid the rush.",
"Depressive neurosis is nothing to laugh about.",
"Describing the Internet as the Network of Networks is like calling the Space Shuttle, a thing that flies.  -- John Lester",
"Deserve's got nothing to do with it.  -- Unforgiven",
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.  -- Smashing Pumpkins",
"Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.",
"Despite their total disagreement about the existence of God they are quick to start boinking because they're two good-looking people in a movie and that's the law.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Despite what Rohit says, we are not world-famous highly experienced thought leaders, so we can't expect the big bucks right away.  However, we should be soon, so you can think about where you'd like to establish a price point, and try to grow up to it.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.  -- William Jennings Bryan",
"Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future and it's up to me to lie in it.  I am destined to be a superhero, to right wrongs and pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evil-doers everywhere.  You don't fight destiny, no sir!  And you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future or you get all... scratchy.  -- The Tick",
"Destiny, n.:  The uncontrollable urge to control ones self.  -- Marc Pond",
"Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own alt.sex group.",
"Determine that the thing can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"Determine what you want, then resolve to pay the price to get it.  -- Bunker Hunt",
"Develop aversion in PVM.  -- Dan Meiron",
"Device, n.:  Medieval torture instrument such as the thumbscrew or iron maiden.",
"Devils can be driven out of the heart by the touch of hand on hand, or mouth on mouth.  -- Tennessee Williams",
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.",
"Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.",
"Dialectic, n.:  1. The art or practice of arriving at the truth by the exchange of logical arguments.  2. a. The process especially associated with Hegel of arriving at the truth by stating a thesis, developing a contradictory antithesis, and combining and resolving them into a coherent synthesis. b. Hegel's critical method for the investigation of this process.",
"Diamonds are chunks of coal that stuck to their job.  -- Mary Jess",
"Dibs!  I got dibs!  I said it first!  -- MST3K",
"Dictator, n.:  A potato with a penis.",
"Did Elvis wear Levis?",
"Did Governor Clinton use a rubber?  -- Stuttering John to Gennifer Flowers",
"Did I already mention the best aspect of mentoring someone?  You get to mold them into the girlfriend you want them to be.  -- Richard Goodman",
"Did I ever tell you about my Reebok story?  I ain't getting no love from Nike.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Did I ever tell you my ice weasels story?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Did I have anything on?  Oh yes, I had the radio on.  -- Marilyn Monroe",
"Did I include a Smokin' Rhythm Prawns song or two on that tape?  You really ought to have \"Scattering My Foes Before Me in a Bloody Frenzy (Opus 13)\" on tape.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Did I really read something about a promiscuous protocol (accepting all connections) or did I dream this?  -- John Dobbin",
"Did Jesus wear Cross Trainers?",
"Did Sydney look hot in that gag or what?  -- John Dobbin",
"Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? Pictures at 11...",
"Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?",
"Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?  -- Steven Wright",
"Did any of them offer suggestions how to rewrite the sentences without semicolons or did they just sit there counting semicolons like apes picking lice off each other??  -- Richard Goodman",
"Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?",
"Did anyone ever tell you you have the most remarkable selective memory?  -- John Dobbin",
"Did anyone see my lost carrier?",
"Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water?  -- Reality Bites",
"Did we ever...  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Did you bring me a monkey?  -- Multiplicity",
"Did you ever notice that \"love\" spelled backwards is \"evil\"?  Well, not exactly, but it's still pretty scary.  -- Ben Bass",
"Did you ever notice that \"two plus eleven\" and \"one plus twelve\" not only give the same result but use the same letters?  -- DrPhil",
"Did you ever notice that in any loud political discussion, the one who always has the perfect answer has never registered to vote?",
"Did you ever notice that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?",
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.  -- Steve Bluestone",
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives.  -- Sue Murphy",
"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?  -- Calvin",
"Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?",
"Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?  I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner...  -- Alanis Morissette",
"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?  -- Heathers",
"Did you hear about the Arab baker who every morning at 6:00 would bow to the yeast?",
"Did you hear about the call-girl who made two appointments for the same time?  She was able to squeeze them both in.",
"Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg?  He's all-right now!",
"Did you hear about the merger of Xerox and Wurlitzer?  The new company will make reproductive organs.",
"Did you hear about the new Seattle brand of beer created in honor of Kurt Cobain?  It's bitter and has no head.",
"Did you hear about the new deli that opened in India?",
"Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?",
"Did you kill anyone?  Two cops.  No real people?  No, just cops.  -- Resevoir Dogs",
"Did you know I'm a serial killer and it's getting close to a full moon?  -- Richard Goodman",
"Did you know Moon Pies have been around for 75 years?  I'm really starting to get into these.  -- John Dobbin",
"Did you know a man with one eye can see more then a man with two eyes?  If the man with one eye looks at a man with two eyes, he can see two eyes.  But if the man with two eyes looks back, he can only see one.",
"Did you know my neighbor has three pet rabbits?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Did you know that 'gullible' can be used as a verb?",
"Did you know that blonde as in person only dates to 1822?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Did you know that the Civil War was fought on AMERICAN soil?  -- Tabitha Soren",
"Did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Did you lose your mind all at once, or was it a gradual process?  -- The Fisher King",
"Did you notice that families on TV shows never watch television?",
"Did you pay the gravity bill this month?  -- Threesome",
"Did you tell her that you would love to have an affair, but can't see yourself (or should that be \"you'reself\") with a woman with such a pathetic grasp of apostrophes?  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Did your parents have any children that lived?",
"Didactic, adj.:  1. Intended to instruct.  2. Morally instructive.  3. Inclined to teach or moralize excessively.",
"Diddly squat, bits, vision, and entertainment value.  -- Robert Harley",
"Didja ever notice that everyone in favor of abortion has already been born?",
"Didn't I ask you to stop playing \"Wild Kingdom\" in the house?  -- Scott Adams",
"Didn't I know how it would go?  If I knew from the start, why am I falling apart?  -- Chess",
"Didn't pay for sex.  Paid for excellent ideas on foreign policy.  -- David Letterman",
"Didn't we arrive in a limo?  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Didn't you call the cable company and tell them to stop playing this crap?  -- Butt-head",
"Dieckhoff's Law:  It doesn't matter how good an eggs looks.  If it smells, there's something wrong.",
"Diet Coke is changing its slogan from 'Just for the Taste of It' to 'You Are What You Drink.'  What does that mean?  You are a hodgepodge of chemicals not normally found in nature?",
"Diet is die to a T.",
"Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.",
"Difference between a dog and working like one: a dog only sniffs assholes; I have to kiss them.",
"Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.",
"Differentials are the ghosts of departed quantities.  -- Alfred North Whitehead",
"Difficult, do you call it, sir?  I wish it were impossible.  -- Samuel Johnson to a violinist",
"Difficulty!  It's the single simplest machine in the entire Universe! -- THHGTTG",
"Diffusing computation.  Check your spelling dude, the word is CONfusing.  -- John Dobbin",
"Dig him up and shake his hand, appreciate the man.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Digging your own grave is fun, making your own coffin is morbid.  -- John Dobbin",
"Digital information lasts forever... or five years, whichever comes first.  -- Jeff Rotherberg",
"Digital technology is the universal solvent of intellectual property rights.  -- Tom Parmenter",
"Dignity is like a top hat.  Neither is very much use when you are standing on it.  -- Chistopher Hollis",
"Diligent U.S. censors have managed to find sexually-explicit pictures on computers in Finland, France and elsewhere, and have been offended by them for hours.  -- Jim Warren",
"Dime, n.:  A dollar with all the taxes taken out.",
"Dining philosophers.  Buy more damn utensils.  Why doesn't anybody ever think of this?  -- John Dobbin",
"Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.",
"Dinner music at a festive banquet for great men is the most tasteless absurdity that debauchery could have devised.  -- Kant",
"Dinner not ready:  (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza?",
"Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke alarm.",
"Dinner?  Anyone?  I promise not to talk about [gradschool|work|mani|ExtraValueMeals]...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Dinosaurs destroys man.  Women rule the earth...  -- Jurassic Park",
"Diode, n.:  What happens to people who don't die young.",
"Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!",
"Diplomacy, n.:  The art of letting someone else have your way.",
"Diplomacy, n.:  The art of saying \"Nice Doggy\" until you can find a rock.  -- Wynn Catlin",
"Diplomacy, n.:  The patriotic art of lying for one's country.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Diplomacy:  After telling someone to go to hell, convincing them that they will enjoy the ride.",
"Directors John Musker and Ron Clements (The Little Mermaid, Aladdin) could have gone for a decorous retelling of Greek mythology, but a funny thing happened on the decorum.  They decided to give the musical form what it has sorely lacked recently: pinwheeling, knockabout fun.  -- Time, 6/23/97",
"Dirty jeans, dirty socks, dirty shoes... but a clean face, an eyebrows which resemble Egyptian insects slurping on purple popsicles.",
"Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.",
"Disassembler, n.:  One who takes things apart.",
"Disc space -- the final frontier!",
"Discipline is remembering what you want.  -- David Campbell",
"Disclaimer:  All opinions are not really opinions.",
"Disclaimer:  Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.",
"Disclaimer:  Any opinions expressed are totally ludicrous, and should be simply ignored.",
"Disclaimer:  Any similarities between what I say and what I mean are purely coincidental.",
"Disclaimer:  I am neither a ventriloquist nor a dummy.",
"Disclaimer:  I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.",
"Disclaimer:  I mindlessly parrot Caltech policy...",
"Disclaimer:  I said WHAT?",
"Disclaimer:  It's just my Tourette's Syndrome acting up again.",
"Disclaimer:  My fingers are epileptic.",
"Disclaimer:  Nope, never saw her before in my life.",
"Disclaimer:  Okay, I don't claim her.",
"Disclaimer:  Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.",
"Disco is the brown spot on the apple of music.",
"Disco is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.",
"Disconfect, sniglet:  To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.",
"Discovering an incompetent co-worker in your group is like finding a gold nugget in your flower garden.  It's free money without the burden of extra work.  -- Scott Adams",
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought.  -- Albert Szent-Gyorgi",
"Discretion in speech is more than eloquence.  -- Francis Bacon",
"Discretion is the better part of valour, but stupidity goes everywhere.",
"Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant stalking things.  -- Blackadder III",
"Disimoni's Rule of Cognition:  Believing is seeing.",
"Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.",
"Disks travel in packs.",
"Disney can relax.  The Baptists are also against drinking, smoking, and dancing, and it hasn't hurt those industries.",
"Disney is presenting the bourgeoisie as a superior alternative to the proletariat despite the fact that the bourgeoisie exploits the proletariat by creating surplus value from the product of the proletariat's labor.  As a symbol of revolution, Oliver is pacified in the face of luxury and wealth, thereby quashing the inevitable revolution and preventing natural human progress.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Disneyland is going to be a place where you can't get lost or tired unless you want to.  -- Walt Disney, 1953",
"Dissatisfaction is a powerful incentive to get things done, especially when it is tied to some goal.",
"Dissection of the bird doth not reveal the mystery of its flight.  But you do get a gander at its last meal.  -- Doug Johnson",
"Distance and loneliness, of course.  Neither of which is desirable in its unadulterated state.  They need to be cut with baking soda.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Distance lends enhancement to the view.  -- Thomas Campbell",
"Distance swimmers keep it up longer.",
"Distinctive, adj.:  A different color or shape than our competitors.",
"Distress, n.:  A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Distributed operating systems have many aspects in common with centralized ones, but also differ in certain ways.  -- Tanenbaum and van Renesse, Computing Surveys v17n4",
"Divide and conquer, then let the UN clean up the mess.",
"Divine retribution, that's what!  -- Calvin",
"Divisive dependencies, distributed deadlocks, and partisan protocols have tightened gridlocks, aggravated race conditions, and promulgated double standards.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Divorce Court, n.:  A hall of blame.",
"Divorce is the past tense of marriage.",
"Divorce is the price people pay for playing with matches.",
"Divorce is the result of his losing his capital, and her losing her interest.",
"Divorce results when a husband decides he's too good to be true.",
"Djinni just wish they could do it.",
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?  -- Philip K. Dick",
"Do I dare to eat a peach?  -- T.S. Eliot, Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock",
"Do I have change for a twenty?  Around here, twenty bucks IS change.  -- Ross Perot",
"Do I know you from somewhere?  Why do you leave me wanting more?  Why do all the things I say sound like the stupid things I said before?  -- Madonna",
"Do I need four shaves and four haircuts to get a byte?",
"Do I stress you out?  My sweater's on backwards, and inside out, and you say how appropriate.  -- Alanis Morissette",
"Do I win?  What do I get?  Another of those damn \"See Rifkin in June\" prizes?  -- John Dobbin",
"Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?",
"Do a little dance.  Make a little love.  Get down tonight.  -- from the KC and the Sunshine band song used in the Ants March a Bud Bottle Back to the Hill commercial",
"Do as I say, not as I do, because the shit's so deep, you can't run away.  -- Green Day",
"Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?",
"Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?",
"Do computers kick the bit bucket?",
"Do either of you guys have 15 cents?  -- Robert Harley",
"Do eskimos keep their money in snowbanks?",
"Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?",
"Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?",
"Do it now or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on.  -- Blackadder IV",
"Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?",
"Do no wrong, so clean cut, dirty his hands it comes right off.  -- Pearl Jam",
"Do not adjust your mind.  It is reality that is malfunctioning.",
"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth.  -- Socrates.   Tell the truth and run.  -- Yugoslav proverb",
"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Do not disturb.  Already disturbed.",
"Do not dwell in the past.  Do not dream of the future.  Concentrate the mind on the present moment.  -- Buddha",
"Do not fumble with a woman's logic.",
"Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.  -- Welsh poet Dylan Thomas (1914-53), Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night",
"Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.  -- John Wooden",
"Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.",
"Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will urinate on your computer.",
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.  -- Fred Baker",
"Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.",
"Do not mistake kindness for weakness.",
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal.  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower",
"Do not put statements in the negative form.",
"Do not quench your inspiration and your imagination; do not become the slave of your model.  -- Vincent van Gogh",
"Do not read this line under penalty of law.  (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a))",
"Do not regret growing older.  It is a privilege denied to many.",
"Do not remove this line under penalty of the law.",
"Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.  -- From A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide",
"Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"Do not take pride in someone praising your beauty when you are 16.  Take pride in someone praising your beauty at 60.",
"Do not take the entire world upon your shoulders.  Do a certain amount of skylarking, as befits people your age.  Skylarking, incidentally, used to be a minor offense under Naval Regulations.  What a charming crime.  It means intolerable lack of seriousness.  I would love to have had a dishonorable discharge from the United States Navy - for skylarking not just once, but again and again and again.  -- Kurt Vonnegut",
"Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.  -- Jack Handey",
"Do not urinate in the direction of the sun.  -- Pythagoras",
"Do not worry about your future.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Do people in wheelchairs complain if you leave the seat up?",
"Do prostitutes fill out tax returns?  Yes, the EZ form.",
"Do sheep know when you are pulling the wool over their eyes?",
"Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.",
"Do steam rollers really roll steam?",
"Do the joke.  Get the laugh.  Move on.",
"Do the things which you will be proud to remember when you are old.",
"Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?",
"Do they make virtual train sets?  That would probably be ideal for me.  I'm quite sure this is just a passing phase, and I really don't need some passing phase taking up space in my apartment.  -- John Dobbin",
"Do unto others before they do unto you.",
"Do we define evil as the absence of goodness?  It seems only logical that shit happens--we discover this by the process of elimination.  -- Larry Wall",
"Do we have parallels in the bug world?  -- John Dobbin",
"Do what makes you happy, Adam.  I used to think I'd need a PhD for that, but I don't think so anymore.  Life is about faith [in God], family and friends.  -- John Klassa",
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.  -- Theodore Roosevelt",
"Do what you love, love what you do.  -- Allen Newell",
"Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me any more?  -- Lisa Loeb",
"Do you ever have that feeling of Deja Vu?",
"Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think to yourself, I'm just full of hot gas?  -- David Letterman to Rush Limbaugh",
"Do you ever want to get down on your knees and thank God you have access to me and my dementia?  -- Seinfeld",
"Do you find me pleasing?  Do I please you?  -- Star Trek",
"Do you follow adlinks?  We follow their logic, and, as of today, their money.  -- Suck",
"Do you go to the movies, find a friend in a film, holding hands with the heroes, fall in love with the heroine?",
"Do you have a license to sell hot dogs?!!  -- P.W. Herman",
"Do you have any Bloody Mary mix?  No wait, here's what I want: regular tomato juice, filled up about three-quarters, then add a splash of Bloody Mary mix - just a splash, and a little piece of lime, but on the side.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Do you have any idea what my father went through to get that watch to me?  -- Pulp Fiction",
"Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?  -- Green Day",
"Do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?  -- White Zombie",
"Do you hear the people sing?  Say, do you hear the distant drums?  It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!  -- Les Miserables",
"Do you just regurgitate whatever colorful bauble flits across your blinders?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Do you know what I do when I have a bee in my bonnet?  I take my hat off.  -- Newsradio",
"Do you know what crapweasel means?  -- Friends",
"Do you know what it's like to have no feeling in your legs?  -- Forrest Gump",
"Do you know why it's called sex?  Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!",
"Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women?  So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.  -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell",
"Do you like Minnesota for its extensive collection of snow?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Do you like apples?  \"Sure.\"  Well, I got her number.  How do you like *DEM* apples?  -- Good Will Hunting",
"Do you live online?  -- gwachob@ocf.berkeley.edu to Adam Rifkin",
"Do you love life?  Then do not squander time; for that's the stuff life is made of.  -- Ben Franklin",
"Do you mind if I change one wee aspect?  The words.  -- Blackadder III",
"Do you mind if I take a look at your armpits?  I think armpits are the prettiest part of a woman's body.  -- Flirting with Disaster",
"Do you now where the power lays, well it starts and ends with you.  -- Rancid",
"Do you pine for the nice days of Minix-1.1, when men were men and wrote their own device drivers?  -- Linus Torvalds",
"Do you realise what a responsibility I carry?  I'm the only one between Nixon and the White House.  -- John F. Kennedy",
"Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?",
"Do you realize it's snowing in my room?  -- Weird Science",
"Do you realize there are only 5 degrees of separation (in web space) between the Macarena lyrics and this xml/html paper?  -- Dan Connolly",
"Do you really think we could share even one aspect of our complex, millenia-old culture in a simple aphorism?",
"Do you smoke?  No.  Do you drink?  No.  Do you chase women?  No.  Then why do you want to live till you're 100?",
"Do you study the law, or do you study the loopholes?",
"Do you think Dr. Kevorkian's malpractice insurance covers him if patients don't die?",
"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?  -- Groucho Marx",
"Do you think that's what teachers mean when they ask you to do research?  \"Okay, I'll ask someone smarter than me...that's research!  I have to find the smart person, after all...\"  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Do you think the field Icthyology was named by someone who hated fish?",
"Do you think your kitty tranquilizers will stop me?  ...Feeling sleepy.  --Pandora",
"Do you want to go faster?  (Yeah!)  Raise your hands if you want to go faster!  (Yeah!)  -- MST3K",
"Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?",
"Doc, we have to talk.  Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese... at first, I thought you were just being a good host.  But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.  -- Ratbert",
"Doctor Henry Breault, credited with inventing child proof bottle caps, died last week.  Dozens of friends and relatives attended what was supposed to be an open casket funeral.  -- rec.humor.funny",
"Doctor, don't cut so deep!  That's the third operating table you've ruined this month...",
"Doctor, my brain hurts!",
"Doctors have many enemies on earth and still more in heaven.",
"Doctors say that hay fever can be positive or negative.  Sometimes the eyes have it, sometimes the nose.",
"Doctors spank babies to knock the peni off the smart ones.",
"Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly, you will eat less.  Any person raised in a large family will tell you the same thing.",
"Documentation and attachment to slides and WWW is not complete.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.  -- Dick Brandon",
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming.",
"Does Elvis talk to you?  Does he tell you things?  Do you see spots?  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Does Jim Carrey need 40 mil?  The world is mucked.  We've turned into a trickle up system.  -- John Dobbin",
"Does \"Religiously Impaired\" refer to atheists or fundamentalists?",
"Does a French athlete wear a jacques strap?",
"Does a dog have Buddha-nature, or not?  MU.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Does an analyst have to be anal?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Does anybody actually own a white Taurus, or are they all rentals?  -- Flirting with Disaster",
"Does anybody really like black licorice?",
"Does anyone have change for a paradigm?",
"Does everything you say have to be open to complete disdain?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Does it seem reasonable that you (yes, you!) can bring what may be the Future Operating System of the World to its knees in 21 keystrokes?  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Does lack of geographic proximity cause groups to defamilialize?  -- John Dobbin",
"Does love ever end when two hearts have torn away?  Or does it go on and beat strong anyway?  -- The Breeders, Do You Love Me Now?",
"Does nudity bother you?  If so, should I put my clothes back on?  -- Top 5",
"Does pheromone diffusion count as multicast?  -- Robert Harley",
"Does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died, 'til you died, but you're still alive?  -- Alanis Morissette",
"Does that mean I might be able to buy the Lincoln Memorial really cheap at a DC yard sale?  -- Richard Goodman",
"Does the almighty power really care two about a mortal finite soul?  I have trouble believing that such a power can even understand a mortal being such as ourselves.  It's blowing up a balloon in a two dimensional world.  -- Tim Byars",
"Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?",
"Does the right to bear arms include the right to bare breasts?  -- Howard Stern",
"Does the word DUH mean anything to you?  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Does this bug you?  I'm not touching you.  -- MST3K",
"Does this girl have a mute button?  -- Friends",
"Does this mean we have to start fighting?  -- Selina Kyle to Bruce Wayne",
"Does this moment HAVE to be memorexed?  -- Reality Bites",
"Doesn't it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just one amend?",
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.",
"Dogmacademia!  -- Robert Harley",
"Dogmatism is puppism come to its full growth.  -- Douglas Jerrold",
"Dogs are so useful I'm surprised they aren't sold in vending machines.",
"Dogs come when called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.",
"Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.",
"Doh!  A deer.  A female deer.  -- The Simpsons",
"Dole (to Bush): Stop lying about my record.  Bush (to Dole): Stop telling the truth about mine.",
"Don't Panic. Count to ten... then Panic.",
"Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass.",
"Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.  -- Yiddish proverb",
"Don't ask me no questions, and I won't tell you no lies.  -- Lynyrd Skynyrd",
"Don't ask me to justify my life.  -- Bad Religion",
"Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss.",
"Don't ask me, I only work here.",
"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl.  -- Malibu Stacy, the Simpsons",
"Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!",
"Don't ask me.  I can't even prove what I ate for breakfast this morning.  -- Willis Carto, This Farce Called History",
"Don't ask what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you.  -- Megadeth",
"Don't be afraid to take a big step.  You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.  -- David Lloyd George",
"Don't be frightened.  There's a Net here to catch you.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Don't be irreplaceable.  If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.",
"Don't be misled when the newsman said, \"James Brown is dead.\"  -- LA Style",
"Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.",
"Don't be so certain that she'll always be there just because she's always been.  -- John Dobbin",
"Don't be so humble; you're not that great.  -- Golda Meir",
"Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.",
"Don't be the boy.  Don't be the boy.  Don't be the boy.  D'oooh!  -- Homer Simpson",
"Don't be too choosy or stingy about whom or how often you love.  -- Helen Gurley Brown",
"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed.  The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of the force.  -- Darth Vader",
"Don't believe everything that you breathe, you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve.  -- Beck",
"Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.",
"Don't believe everything you see, half of what you hear, or anything you read.",
"Don't bite the hand that feeds you, apparently it's okay for everyone else.",
"Don't break it if you can't fix it.",
"Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.",
"Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.",
"Don't call me stupid!  -- Kevin Kline, A Fish Called Wanda",
"Don't call us; our computer will call you.",
"Don't care if it hurts, I want to have control.  I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.  -- Radiohead",
"Don't change before the empire falls, you'll laugh so hard you'll crack the walls.  -- Jefferson Airplane",
"Don't confuse busiwork with productivity.",
"Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!",
"Don't consider sarcasm the be all and end all of verbal intercourse.  Far too many people place way too much importance on the sarcasm instead of the talking in and of itself as a precious shared experience between people.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.",
"Don't cry at the beginning of a date.  Cry at the end like I do.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.",
"Don't do anything stupid.  Put the comma where you like.  -- Get Smart",
"Don't do what I SAY, do what I MEAN!",
"Don't dream it.  Be it.  -- Frederick's of Hollywood",
"Don't drink water; fish breed in it.",
"Don't drive and drive; smoke dope and fly!",
"Don't eat in a restaurant located next to a pound.  -- Robin Williams",
"Don't eat that stuff; you're killing yourself!  -- Cleo von Ludwig",
"Don't eat the green ones.  They're not ripe yet.  -- A Fish Called Wanda",
"Don't even JOKE about how many feminists it takes to screw in a lightbulb.",
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer for anything.",
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.  -- Jack Handey",
"Don't ever speak more clearly than you think.  -- Neils Bohr",
"Don't feel bad, wolfie.  I was wrestlin' wolves while you were at yer mother's teat!  -- Groundkeeper Willy, The Simpsons",
"Don't feel insecure or inferior!  You're ORGANIC!  You'd win an argument with most rocks!",
"Don't fight it son, confess quickly.  If you hold out too long, you could jeopardize your credit rating.  -- Brazil",
"Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.  -- From A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide",
"Don't get even.  Get odd!",
"Don't get fopped up in that dirty, druggy rock n roll culture.  It's not good for you.  -- Johnny Rotten",
"Don't get gunk on me.  I took a bath last Saturday and I'm all clean.  -- Calvin",
"Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.  Debug only code.  -- Dave Storer",
"Don't get your honey where you get your money.",
"Don't go away mad.  Just go away!",
"Don't go lookin' for snakes; you might find them.  -- Metallica",
"Don't go to the sea without purpose or porpoise.  -- Lewis Carroll",
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart and rich.  -- Calvin Keegan",
"Don't hate the media.  Become the media!  -- Jello Biafra",
"Don't hate yourself in the morning... sleep until noon!",
"Don't have a cow, man.  -- Bart Simpson",
"Don't have to prove anything.  I just put it out there and retract it after the damage is done.  Have you not been paying attention to the way the world works?  -- John Dobbin",
"Don't hesitate to throw away superannuated features when you can do it without loss of effectiveness.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.",
"Don't insult the alligator until after you have crossed the river.",
"Don't insult the gator till you cross the river.  -- Gladstone",
"Don't intentionally draw enemy fire.  It irritates those around you.",
"Don't just do something !!!  Stand there !!!",
"Don't just drink, drink-ercise!  -- David Letterman",
"Don't just eat a hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!",
"Don't just stand there, scratch my back!",
"Don't just stand there... KNEEL!!!",
"Don't keep a negative attitude such as \"I will not succeed.\"  Keep a positive one like \"I WILL fail.\"",
"Don't keep up with the Joneses.  Drag them down to your level.",
"Don't laugh, I love you.  -- Ween",
"Don't laugh.  It's paid for.  -- license plate frame on a Lexus",
"Don't lead me into temptation.  I can find it myself!",
"Don't let McBurgers and Baywatch make you complacent.  X was last year.  -- Robert Harley",
"Don't let greed outweigh self-preservation.  -- Phil Sawyer",
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.",
"Don't let school interfere with your education.",
"Don't let the Sun go down on me.  -- Elton John",
"Don't let the statistical tail wag the conceptual dog.",
"Don't let your mind wander.  It's too little to be left out alone.",
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.  -- Bo Diddley",
"Don't look at me in that tone of voice!",
"Don't look at me!  Don't you look at me!  Mommy!  MOMMY!  -- Blue Velvet",
"Don't look back; the lemmings are gaining on you.",
"Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire.",
"Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.",
"Don't look, 3 o'clock.  I said don't look.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"Don't mention love... I'd hate the pain of the strain all over again.  -- Morrissey",
"Don't mess with Murphy.",
"Don't mess with anybody who can make a lot more trouble for you than you can make for them.",
"Don't mind me, I'm just picking my nits.",
"Don't never use a double negation.",
"Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see; the blind have been blessed with security.  Don't open your eyes, take it from me: I have found you can find happiness in slavery.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"Don't order a drink for the road, because the road is already laid out.  -- Flip Wilson",
"Don't order the soup du jour.  You never know what it's going to be from one day to the next.  -- Hugh Mulligan",
"Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"Don't overuse exclamation marks!!",
"Don't place faith in human things; human things are butterfly wings.  -- Chainsaw Kittens",
"Don't play stupid with me!  I'm better at it.",
"Don't press the keys so damned hard!",
"Don't pull off Superman's cape.  Don't spit into the wind.  -- Jim Croce",
"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.  -- Mark Twain",
"Don't put words in my mouth. Heck, don't put anything in my mouth.  -- John Dobbin",
"Don't read everything you believe.",
"Don't read this.  It doesn't say anything profound anyway.",
"Don't run faster than your shoes.  -- Scottish saying",
"Don't rush a miracle man.  You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.  -- Princess Bride",
"Don't rush me.  I get paid by the hour.",
"Don't say yes until I finish talking.  -- Darryl F. Zanuck",
"Don't settle for the lesser evil this November -- Cthulhu for President!",
"Don't shoot.  I don't want to be president!",
"Don't shrug you imbecile, I'm blind!  Save the body language for the bimbae.  -- Scent of a Woman",
"Don't sing for Pepsi, ain't singin' for Coke... don't sing for nobody, makes me look like a joke... THIS NOTE'S FOR YOU!  -- Neil Young",
"Don't slap the hand that feeds you.  -- Thanh Boyer",
"Don't sleep.  You can do that when you're dead.  Every waking hour is important.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.",
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.  -- Billiam Coronel",
"Don't spit in the soup.  We all have to eat!  -- Lyndon B. Johnson",
"Don't start comparing yourself to me.  It'll only make you crazy.",
"Don't start vast projects with half-vast ideas.",
"Don't start with me.  You know how I get.",
"Don't steal - the government hates competition...",
"Don't stop the noise.  -- Phoenix Suns",
"Don't support it if you don't support it.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Don't suspect a friend, report him.  -- Brazil",
"Don't sweat the petty things.  Pet the sweaty things.",
"Don't take advice from fortune cookies.",
"Don't take life too seriously.  They will soon repeat it on cable TV.",
"Don't take notes, but if I make some pithy quote, try to get that down.  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.",
"Don't teach the blind until you have practiced living with closed eyes.",
"Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs.",
"Don't tease me with all of your mind.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.",
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!",
"Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.  -- James J. Ling",
"Don't thank me for insulting you.  It was my pleasure...",
"Don't they make little baby straightjackets?  If not, they should. (Hey, if the leashes are acceptable, straightjackets surely are.  Don't tell me it's ok to treat your kids like animals and not mental patients.)  -- John Dobbin",
"Don't think of him as a Republican, think of him as the man I love; and if that doesn't work, think of him as the man who can crush you.  -- John F. Kennedy Jr., on how cousin Maria Shriver introduced uncle Teddy Kennedy to hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger",
"Don't think of it as a cigarette... think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand...  -- Friends",
"Don't think that I'm silly for liking it, I just happen to like the simple little things, and I love cats!  -- Michelle Gardner",
"Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.  -- Swedish proverb",
"Don't throw porcupines in a balloon store.  -- Scott Adams",
"Don't throw the first punch.  Wait'll you're hit before you put up your dukes.  -- John Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday",
"Don't torture yourself.  That's MY job.",
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.  -- men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL",
"Don't try to be different.  Just be good.  To be good is different enough.  -- Arthur Freed",
"Don't try to live your life in one day.  -- Howard Jones",
"Don't try to play billiards with me as your cue.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Don't try to saw sawdust.",
"Don't try to stop the tail that wags the hound.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Don't use no double negatives.",
"Don't vote... it only encourages them.  -- Jack Paar",
"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.  Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.  Walk beside me, and just be my friend.  -- Albert Camus",
"Don't wanna get stoned, don't wanna get stoned, but I don't wanna not get stoned.  -- The Lemonheads",
"Don't want the whole world to know I'm searching for \"Naked Dentistry\".  -- John Dobbin",
"Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.",
"Don't waste your time arguing with any combination of these three things ...success, failure, stupidity.  -- Butch Reinke",
"Don't whiz on an electric fence.  -- Ren and Stimpy",
"Don't wipe your hands on your pants.  That's why socks were invented.",
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.  -- The Old Farmer's Almanac",
"Don't worry about my husband....he's at your place screwing your wife.",
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.  -- Howard Aiken",
"Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.",
"Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.",
"Don't you do it!  -- An Officer and a Gentleman",
"Don't you hate it when you're robbing a convenience store and the clerk recognizes you from high school?  -- Brad Lyons",
"Don't you hate it when your kids eat all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms?",
"Don't you hate those... uncomfortable silences?  -- Pulp Fiction",
"Don't you just LOVE the idea of spontaneous combustion?",
"Don't you know that God is Pooh Bear?  -- Jack Kerouac",
"Don't you know that only fools are satisfied?  Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.  -- Billy Joel",
"Don't you know there ain't no devil; that's just God when he's drunk...  -- Tom Waits, Heartattack and Vine",
"Don't you know there's a parade going on?  -- Joseph Heller",
"Don't you know things will change.  Things will go your way if you hold on for one more day.  -- Wilson Phillips",
"Don't you love New Years?  Everybody gets a second chance.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Don't you see the connection between the government and laughing?  -- The Monkees",
"Don't you tell me to dance.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Don't you think it bothers me that I'm this shallow?  -- Steven Bondi",
"Dong is here five hours and he's with somebody.  I'm here my whole life and I'm like a disease.  -- 16 Candles",
"Doodling is a designer's disease.",
"Doooooooooooooooh!!!  -- Homer Simpson",
"Dorothy Parker called her parakeet ONAN because he spilled his seed upon the ground.",
"Double cheese nachos got me right here.  (burp!)  -- Home Improvement",
"Doughnut holes are made of the same thing as the hole in your toilet seat, but nobody ever publicizes that.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Dow - Better murder through chemistry.",
"Down with categorical imperative!",
"Down with ignurance!",
"Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth, and Tonya Harding bring you drop-dead sex that'll bring you to your knees.",
"Dr. Lee testified that none of OJ's fingerprints were found at the crime scene... so, I guess the gloves do fit!",
"Dr. Scott!  Janet!  Brad!  Rocky!  YO ADRIAN!",
"Draft beer is best.  So should it be with writing.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Draft beer, not people!",
"Drama is life with all the dull bits cut out.  -- Alfred Hitchcock",
"Draw SOMETHING resembling ANYTHING.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.",
"Dream tomorrow.  Cherish yesterday.  Live today.  -- Maggie Keenan",
"Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.",
"Dreams are the playground for Unicorns.",
"Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?  -- Tennyson, The Higher Pantheism",
"Drilling for oil is boring.",
"Drink and cook the prodigal son, fondue forks for everybody.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Drink is the curse of the land.  It makes you fight with your neighbour.  It makes you shoot at your landlord... and it makes you miss him.  -- Irish Proverb",
"Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.",
"Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.",
"Drive offensively, the life you save may be your own.  -- Car Wars",
"Drive the speed limit... in your garage.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Always flush the toilet three times.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Ask if your family can move in \"just for a couple of weeks.\"",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Become a subgenius.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him to bring you food.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Collect all your urine in a small jug.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Dye all your underwear lime green.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Eat glass.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Fill his fishtank with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to them.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Listen to radio static.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Recite entire movie scripts almost inaudibly.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Remove your door.  Ship to your roommate's parents (postage due).",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Shave one eyebrow.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Smile.  All the time.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Smoke ballpoint pens.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Speak in tongues.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Twitch a lot.",
"Drive your roomie nuts:  Walk and talk backwards.",
"Driver carries no cash -- 2 kids in college.",
"Driver's license exam question: \"When passing on right, always _______________.\"  Your answer: \"Shoot to Kill.\"  -- Top 5",
"Drop and give me twenty.",
"Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.",
"Dropping my pants just scared them.  But when my underwear hit the ground... Man!  I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast.",
"Drow do it with the lights out.",
"Drug Deaths Are Shooting Up.  -- Headline in The Oregonian",
"Drug, n.:  A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.",
"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.  -- PJ O'Rourke",
"Drugs instantiate sex, lies and videotapes.  -- the ARs",
"Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!",
"Drugs:  Melts in your mind, not in your hand.",
"Drugs: the substances of designer reality.  -- Douglas Rushkoff, Cyberia: Life in the Trenches of Hyperspace",
"Druids do it au naturel.",
"Druids do it in the bushes.",
"Druids do it with animals.",
"Druids leave no trace.",
"Drummers pound it.",
"Dualism is just as much a perceptual division of the world into categories as it is a conceptual division.  Human perception is by nature a dualistic phenomenon - which makes the quest for enlightenment an uphill struggle, to say the least.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Dualism is the conceptual division of the world into categories.  Is it possible to transcend this very natural tendency?  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Ducharme's Axiom, Weinstein's Corollary:  Upon further reflection you will blame someone else.",
"Ducharme's Axiom:  If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.",
"Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.",
"Ducking for apples.  Change one letter and it's the story of my life.  -- Dorothy Parker",
"Ducks get up at the quack of dawn.",
"Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.",
"Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.",
"Due to budgetary constraints the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off.",
"Due to the austere level of funding, the light at the end of the tunnel will be extinguished until further notice.",
"Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.",
"Duh.  How do people with IQs so low they can't even feed themselves manage to get net access?  -- Robert Harley",
"Dumb as a box of hammers, but he's such a handsome guy.  -- Jill Sobule",
"During a carnival men put masks over their masks.  -- Xavier Forneret",
"During his second term, President Clinton will work to reform campaign finance rules.  No more big checks from foreign contributors.  Under the new plan, he'll also accept Visa and MasterCard.",
"During my eighty-seven years, I have witnessed a whole succession of technological revolutions.  But none of them has done away with the need for character in the individual or the ability to think.  -- Bernard Baruch",
"During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.  -- Rodney Dangerfield",
"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were \"just going down to the corner.\"  -- Jack Handey",
"During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed.",
"During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket.  So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows.  How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?  -- P.J. O'Rourke",
"During times of crisis the more timid elements run for cover.  -- Hudsucker Proxy",
"Duty largely consists of pretending that the trivial is essential.  -- John Fowles",
"Dvorak is no better than QWERTY.  The studies made in the army were not controlled.  And also, you're looking at the performance of the average, not the performance of the expert.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Dwarves do it with short strokes.",
"Dweezle Dwyzle Dwazle Dwome.  Time for this one to come home.  -- Tooter the Turtle",
"Dyin' ain't much of a livin', boy.  -- Clint Eastwood, the Outlaw Josey Wales",
"Dying is a part of life.  I wish it wasn't.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.  -- W. Somerset Maugham",
"Dying is a wild night and a new road.  -- Emily Dickinsom",
"Dying to me don't sound like all that much fun.  -- John Cougar Mellencamp",
"Dysfunctional group dynamic... this sort of co-dependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffeehouse with your big cups, which, I'm sorry, might as well have NIPPLES on them.  And you're all like, \"I need love!  I need love!  Define me!\"  -- Friends",
"Dyslexics of the world UNTIE!",
"E = M C squared?  Very good Albert, but next time show your work!  C+.",
"E equals M C cubed... darn that inflation!",
"E-mail and letters and the kind of crap I blat out all over pieces of paper should be tangential and random, or else they're dull.  Essays for a class probably should be snipped.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.",
"EE students do it on an Impulse.",
"EMACS = Evil Masquerading As Common Software.",
"ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.",
"Each generation wastes a little more of the future with greed and lust for riches.  -- Donald Marquis",
"Each machine has its own, unique personality which probably could be defined as the intuitive sum total of everything you know and feel about it.  -- Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance",
"Each minute you spend working is one minute less that you have to spend here before you are permitted to leave!  -- the only thing left on Adam Rifkin's white board office, 6/26/97",
"Each of us is the center of the universe.  So is everyone else.  -- ee cummings",
"Each person needs different limits to set him or her free.  Finding yours is what practice is all about.  -- W. A. Mathieu",
"Each small task of everyday life is part of the total harmony of the universe.  -- St. Theresa of Lisieux",
"Each time you reach for a Coke, the olympic spirit is refreshed.  -- Coca-Cola (2/23/92)",
"Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.  This is my favorite one; proving once again that any reference to weasels is funny.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.",
"Eagleson's Law:  Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.",
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.  -- William Feather",
"Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.  -- PJ O'Rourke",
"Ears pierced free -- while you wait.",
"Earth Elementals do it dirty.",
"Earth below us, drifting, flowing.  Floating weightless.  Coming, coming home.  -- Peter Schilling",
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.  -- Jeff Berner",
"Earth shutting down in 5 minutes, please save all files and log out.",
"Earthquake predictors are fault finders.",
"Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:  Black.  Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath (black).  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.  -- Steve Rubenstein",
"Easter has been cancelled; they found the body.  Christmas has also been cancelled because Joseph confessed.",
"Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.",
"Eat Crap!  10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.",
"Eat Parole, Get Gold Card soul.  The joy of your life is on a roll, and we'll all be the same in the end.  -- D. Albarn",
"Eat Thai food like the Thai do... sparingly.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Eat the rich; the poor are tough and stringy.",
"Eat, drink, and be Maui.  -- Hawaiian saying",
"Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel.  -- David Letterman",
"Ebonics, n.:  The validation of poor english and lazy scholarship.  -- Richard Goodman",
"Ecnalubma, sniglet:  A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.",
"Economic understanding continues to increase.  College kids used to write home and ask for money.  Now they report unanticipated adverse cash-flow problems.  -- Changing Times, The Kiplinger Magazine",
"Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants.",
"Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.  -- Robert Orben",
"Economists do it with interest.",
"Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.  -- Edgar R. Fiedler",
"Ecstasy is a glimpse of the infinite; horror is full disclosure.  -- Kirk Scneider, Horror and the Holy",
"Eddie!  I am American woman now!  I want half!  -- Eddie Murphy",
"Edible, adj.:  Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Education is a funny thing. At eighteen, I knew all the answers; now, at age 46, I don't even understand the questions.",
"Education is dead, let's just shoot all the kids and go home.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.  -- W. B. Yeats",
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.  -- Robert Frost",
"Education is the fire-proofer of emotions.  -- Frank Crane",
"Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.  -- Irsin Edman",
"Education is what remains after you've forgotten everything you've learned.  -- Albert Einstein",
"Education is when you read the fine print.  Experience is what you get if you don't.  -- Pete Seeger",
"Education majors make you do it again and again until you get it right.",
"Education makes us what we are.  -- C.A. Helvetius",
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.",
"Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.  -- G.M. Trevelyan",
"Educational music in the house!  -- John Flansburgh",
"Edward Samuraiswordhands?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Eeeeeek.  I am listening to Pearl Jam through my headphones on my new CD player, and I'm noticing all kinds of stuff I never heard before.  But Eddie just scared me!  There's this part in Satan's Bed where he laughs sinisterly right in the right earpiece, and I honestly thought that someone had come up behind me and was laughing right in my ear.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.  -- Napoleon Hill",
"Egad, a base tone denotes a bad age.  -- They Might Be Giants Palindrome",
"Egghead, n.:  What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty.",
"Eggheads of the world unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yokes.  -- Adlai Stevenson",
"Ego Gratification through Violence.",
"Egosurfing is the act of feeding your own name to the search engines and visiting the resulting hits.  -- Wired",
"Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.  -- Bellamy Brooks",
"Egotist, n.:  A guy who suffers from I strain.",
"Eiffelites, sniglet:  Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.",
"Eight minutes to Wapner.  Eight minutes to Wapner.  -- Top 5",
"Eight-ball is a racist game.  The white ball knocks the black ball last.  -- Boomerang",
"Eighty-three percent of Britons say they forgive Princess Di for her infidelity.  Apparently, the other 17 percent have never gotten a good look at Prince Charles.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"Einstein rules relatively OK, in theory anyway.",
"Einstein was a genius: Head in the clouds, feet on the ground.  But those of us who are not as tall, have to make a choice.  -- Richard Feynman",
"Either I think of a plan, or tomorrow we meet our makers.  In my case, God.  In your case, God knows.  But I don't think he's won any designing awards.  -- Blackadder III",
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.  -- Groucho Marx",
"Either he's playing classical music at 78 RPM, or I'm still dreaming.  -- Calvin's Dad",
"Either that file gets deleted, or you do.  -- Golden Years",
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.",
"Ekistics, n. used with a singular verb:  The science of human settlements, including city or community planning and design.",
"Elaine, you're not going to believe it!  That guy you got into an arguement with on the subway?  He just opened fire on the LIRR!  -- Seinfeld",
"Elanor and Niphredil bloom no more east of the sea.  -- J.R.R. Tolkien",
"Elbonics, sniglet:  The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.",
"Elecelleration, sniglet:  The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.",
"Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.",
"Electrical Engineers do it with large capacities.",
"Electricians do it with spark.",
"Electrocution, n.:  Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.",
"Elegance is the only criterion for an act.",
"Elephants are taboo to the British.  When exporting goods to Britain make sure you do not put any pictures of elephants on the good's trademarks or its packaging.  -- China Trade News",
"Elevators smell different to midgets.",
"Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, \"I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know.\"",
"Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant are listed in the latest WHO'S WHO.  As for Divine Brown, she's listed in the latest WHO'S HO.  -- Conan O'Brien",
"Elle MacPherson is another story altogether... pant, pant.  -- Robert Harley",
"Elmer Fudd has CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.",
"Elves do it in fairy rings.",
"Elvis was right to shoot TV sets.",
"Emacs is a fine windowing system, but I still prefer glass.  -- Tom Christiansen",
"Email to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to root@whitehouse.gov.",
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.  -- Bob Marley",
"Embarrasingly enough, the link I sought was not on your page, so my frustration toward you was misdirected.  -- John Dobbin",
"Emerson left his pastorate because he had some argument about communion.",
"Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: \"I don't know, reelection to the Senate?\"",
"Emotionally, men only pick the major channels: pain and orgasm.  The rest is static.",
"Emotionally, women have satellite dishes and men have coat hangers with aluminum foil.",
"Empire had the betting ending.  I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader is his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.  It ends on such a down note.  -- Clerks",
"Empirical research has shown that quality tends to the be consequence of quantity when it comes to creativity...Those who produce more master-works also produce more rubbish.  -- Keith Simonton",
"Employ the vernacular.",
"Empowerment comes from within.  Not from without.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Emulate your heros, but don't take it too far.  Especially if they are dead.",
"End rush hour now!  Legalize vehicular weaponry.",
"Endless love, n.:  Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.",
"Energizer Bunny Arrested!  Charged with battery.",
"Energy equals milk chocolate square.",
"Energy, like the biblical grain of the mustard seed, will remove mountains.  -- Hosea Ballou",
"Engineer's estimate, n.:  The cost of construction in heaven.",
"Engineers are up on their fluid mechanics.",
"Engineers can handle stress and strain in their relationships.",
"Engineers do it with precision.",
"Engineers know that the world revolves around them... they picked the coordinate system!",
"Engineers know what all those extra buttons on a calculator really do.",
"Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality.  Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations.  Mathematicians never make the connection.",
"Engineers think that theory approximates reality.  Physicists think that reality approximates theory.  Mathematicians never make the connection.",
"English can most charitably be described as a generous, expansive, and flexible language; a less charitable description would characterize it as drunk and disorderly.  -- Teresa Nielsen Hayden",
"English muffins were not invented in England, nor french fries in France.",
"Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.",
"Enjoyment is not a goal, it is a feeling that accompanies important ongoing activity. -- Paul Goodman",
"Enlightenment is not the first step on the road to Zen; if anything, it's the last one!  Enlightenment is not for novices.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Enlightenment is the conversion of religious experience to religious life.  -- Steven Puerto",
"Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute.  Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while.  -- Alanis Morissette",
"Enough research will tend to support your theory.",
"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...",
"Enter that again, just a little slower.",
"Enter?  What ever happened to 'Come in?'  -- The Sunshine Boys",
"Enthusiasm is faith set on fire.  -- George Adams",
"Enthusiasm often masks a great deal of incompetence.",
"Entrance Exam, n.:  Precoital check-up.",
"Entrepreneurship is the last refuge of the trouble-making individual.  -- James K. Glassman, October 1976",
"Entresol, n.:  The floor just above the ground floor of a building; a mezzanine.",
"Entropy is what happens when the universe doesn't pay its electric bill.",
"Entropy isn't what it used to be.",
"Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.  -- Jerome Lettvin",
"Epexegesis, n.:  Additional explanation or explanatory material.",
"Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking.",
"Epitaph:  Here lies an honest lawyer.  That is strange.",
"Epochodor, n.:  The smell of history found at museums.",
"Epperson's law:  When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.",
"Equivocation is the first cousin to a lie.",
"Erasers are not only for mistakes, but for those willing to correct their mistakes.",
"Ergo, computing zeta(3) and zeta(5) by polylogarithms of (1/2^n).  -- Robert Harley",
"Ernest Hemingway once wrote, \"The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.\"  I agree with the second part.  -- Seven",
"Ernest Prabhakar: \"How much of computer science is applied philosophy.\"  Rohit Khare: \"Not enough.\"",
"Ernie Prabhakar: \"How much of computer science is applied philosophy?\"  Rohit Khare: \"Not as much as it should be.\"",
"Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken, perverted is using the whole chicken (but it's dead), disgusting is eating it afterward.",
"Error is the stuff of which the web of life is woven; and he who lives longest and wisest is only able to wear out the more of it.  -- Thomas Jefferson, cited by Dumas Malone in his biography of Jefferson",
"Error reading left brain.  (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)rolic?",
"Error, mistake, slip, blunder, lapse?  I prefer to think of it as an unfortunate juxtaposition of circumstances.",
"Error, n.:  What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output",
"Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.",
"Eschew obfuscation.",
"Esperanto is an amusing attempt to make Spanish sound elegant.  -- Stephen Fry, Trefusis is Unwell, from Paperweight",
"Estoppel, n. Law:  A bar preventing one from making an allegation or a denial that contradicts what one has previously stated as the truth.",
"Estoppel, n. Law:  A rule of evidence preventing one from making an allegation or a denial that contradicts what one has previously stated as the truth.",
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.  -- Woody Allen",
"Eternity is long.  Especially in the end.",
"Ethernet, n.:  A device for catching the Ether Bunny.",
"Ethiopian food?  Well, this will be a light meal.  I didn't even know Ethiopians HAD food.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Ettore's Observation:  The other line moves faster.",
"Euclid alone has looked on beauty bare.  -- Edna St. Vincent Millay",
"Euclid was a square!",
"Eulogy, n.:  Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Eunichs is an operating system with no balls.",
"EuroDisney prostitutes cost $50 to do it Goofy style, or $100 for a straight Donald Duck.",
"Evangelists do more than lay people.",
"Evel Knevil can get ON the airplane... I'm getting IN the airplane.  -- George Carlin",
"Even I dip my ladle into the english well every now and then.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Even I haven't used economic, hypermedia, theory, and hazardous waste in a single sentence yet...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Even Napoleon had his Watergate.  -- Yogi Berra",
"Even The New York Times uses [the word] Seinfeldian!  It's the next best thing to Seinfeldesque.  Actually, I prefer Seinfeldian.  -- Jerry Seinfeld, to Entertainment Weekly",
"Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.",
"Even at 500 feet tall, the Washington Monument is not the largest erection in the world or even in DC.  -- Bill Maher",
"Even better than that Sweeps series on LA news last year, Is God Mad at us?  Really, it was a five-part weeklong series.  Only in LA.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.",
"Even if it's not faster, it feels like it is.  -- Larry Wall",
"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you do not keep moving.  -- Will Rogers",
"Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad for your reputation.",
"Even in laughter the heart may sorrow, and the end of mirth may be grief.  -- Proverbs 14:13",
"Even in our headiest moments, we couldn't convince ourselves that people lust for political and cultural commentary the way they lust for sex and money.  -- Michael Kinsley",
"Even in paradise, you have to go to the crappiest beach first to appreciate the really monster death-defying ones.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.",
"Even more important than winning the election is governing the nation.  That is the test of a political party... the acid, final test.  -- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr., 1952",
"Even more painful for Gumby than his parents' divorce was the long, stretched-out custody battle.  -- Leigh Rubin",
"Even rats learn from experience.  -- George Skarbek",
"Even scarier than doritos in a can... Doritos 3-D!  I'm not sure I approve of this innovation.  They don't even taste as good as good ol' 2-D Doritos.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Even simple has two syllables.",
"Even snakes are afraid of snakes.",
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.  -- Kehlog Albran, The Profit",
"Even the bravest of us rarely has the courage for what he really knows...",
"Even the penile enlargement fad has to be measured against the Web...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Even though I started out of grim self-flaggelation, I've reached that tipping point where it's like \"Hey! If I suck in my breath, I can see straight down to the floor! Whoa!\"  -- Rohit Khare",
"Even though they taste heavenly, you're pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.  -- Top 5",
"Even vegetarians live off death.",
"Even when I close my eyes, your silhouette is smiling at me.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Even with a great lawyer, I'll get ten thousand years.  -- The Mask",
"Even with a paddle, shit's creek is not a great place to be up.  -- Bill Maher",
"Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation.  It is only we, with our capacity to love, that give meaning to the indifferent universe.  -- Woody Allen, Crimes and Misdemeanors",
"Eventually, people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing.  -- Dave Barry",
"Eventually, the water hazard will fill up with golf balls.  It will still be a hazard, though, because you can only hit your own ball.",
"Ever get so drunk that when you put a dime in the jukebox, a pack of Marlboros pop out?",
"Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.",
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for \"permanent\" press?  I don't get it...",
"Ever notice how tense grownups get when they're recreating?  -- Calvin",
"Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?",
"Ever notice that there just aren't enough days in the week-end?",
"Ever read \"Obedience to Authority\" by Stanley Milgram?  It's a real wristslasher of a book.",
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?",
"Ever throw a frozen plum out of a third-story window onto a parking lot?  You will.  -- Ari Rapkin",
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?  -- John Mendoza",
"Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didn't zigzag?",
"Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby.  Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.",
"Every GI that gets malaria is jolly good for the world because that means more money for malarial drug research.  -- Dr. Nicholas White, NYT 3/3/96",
"Every Vision of the Future we saw - whoever sponsors the fish place has this vision of exploiting the ocean floor; AT&T runs the \"ride\" inside that enormous Epcot sphere, and it's like one big \"You Will\" commercial - frightened us.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.",
"Every action has a positive reaction, even if it has a negative result.  -- Slacker",
"Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share of the national debt.",
"Every battle is won before it is ever fought.  Sun-tzu, The Art of War.  -- Wall Street",
"Every breath leaves me one less to my last.  -- Dream Theater",
"Every burned book enlightens the world.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Every character you save saves power.  -- John Dobbin",
"Every child had pretty good a shot to get as far as their old man got.  But something happened on the way to that place.  -- Billy Joel",
"Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once she grows up.  -- Pablo Picasso",
"Every cloud has a silver bullet.  -- Married with Children",
"Every country has the government it deserves.  -- Joseph de Maistre",
"Every day I cry a few tears for a world spun so wildly out of control.  -- John Dobbin",
"Every day's a new day, that's what I've been told.  -- Don Henley",
"Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on.  -- Frederic Chopin",
"Every disagreement in the world is a matter of definition and degree.  -- Kaylanis Law",
"Every generation yields the new born hope unjaded by their years.  -- Sarah McLachlan",
"Every good work of software starts by scratching a developer's personal itch.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Every government is a parliament of whores.  The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.  -- PJ O'Rourke",
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed.  The world in arms is not spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the houses of its children.  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953",
"Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.  -- Frank Moore Colby",
"Every interesting data structure is recursive.",
"Every joy must be paid for twice over with sorrow.  -- August Strindberg, A Dream Play",
"Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Every little event is like a pebble in the water that ripples outward and touches places the pebble never could.  One set of friends started examining their OWN lives long after discussion of you or me had left the conversation.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.  -- Don Vonada",
"Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive.  -- Ayn Rand",
"Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong about the facts.  -- The Old Philosopher",
"Every man has a secret ambition to outsmart horses, fish, and women.",
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.",
"Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.  -- Miguel de Cervantes",
"Every man is given the key to the gates of heaven.  The same key opens the gates of hell.",
"Every man must sow his wild oats, until a woman comes along and rips out the stitches.",
"Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener.",
"Every man secretly hates pretty girls because they're the ones who rejected him in high school.  -- Candace Bushnell",
"Every man should have a hobby, but make sure your wife doesn't know about her.",
"Every man's life, liberty, and property are in danger when the Legislature is in session.  -- Daniel Webster (1782-1852)",
"Every man's memory is his private literature.  -- Aldous Huxley",
"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.  -- Henry Miller",
"Every moment makes me a different person.  -- Peter Searls, The Sun, July 1994",
"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work.  -- Robert Orben",
"Every morning I get up and start combing my hair.  Then I really need a drink for that thirst I worked up.  -- John Dobbin",
"Every morning I stop off at SevLev and pick me up a Super Big Gulp to start my morning right.  -- John Dobbin",
"Every morning is the dawn of a new error.",
"Every morning is the same:  Wake up, have your coffee, go retrieve your penis from the front yard.  -- Top 5",
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.  -- Semisonic",
"Every night during \"Wheel of Fortune,\" you scream, \"Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!\"  -- Top 5",
"Every nite my wife brushes her hair with 500 strokes.  It doesn't do too much for her hair, but... ya oughta see the arm muscles on this woman!!!",
"Every noble work is at first impossible.  -- Thomas Carlyle",
"Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.  It makes sense, when you don't think about it.",
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.  -- H.L. Mencken",
"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether...  -- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas",
"Every now and then, a little learning makes us think we know a lot.  -- Vaughn Manning",
"Every obnoxious act is a cry for help.  -- Zig Ziglar",
"Every once in awhile I get the urge to use my evil genius to crush and enslave the globe without mercy, but then I realize I'd probably just hurt my back, so I grab a beer and go back to the couch instead.  -- David James",
"Every person who has not tasted the bitterness of despair has missed life's significance.  -- Soren Kierkegaard",
"Every person you see on TV has sold their soul to get there.  -- Joe Kiniry",
"Every problem will be transparent to somebody.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.",
"Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.",
"Every purchase has its price.",
"Every solution breeds new problems.",
"Every speaker has a mouth; an arrangement rather neat.  Sometimes it's filled with wisdom.  Sometimes it's filled with feet.  -- Robert Orben",
"Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great.  If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.",
"Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.",
"Every teen-ager should get a high school education - even if they already know everything.",
"Every thought you make becomes a reality.  -- Slacker",
"Every time I close the door on reality, it shines through the window.  -- Ashleigh Brilliant",
"Every time I learn to live by my means, my means get meaner.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Every time I look at you, I go blind.  -- Hootie and the Blowfish",
"Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.  -- Emo Phillips",
"Every time I see or hear a commercial for Zima with this guy, I just want to zlam my fist into his mouth.",
"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little inside.",
"Every time you turn on your new car, you're turning on 20 microprocessors.  Every time you use an ATM, you're using a computer.  Every time I use a settop box or game machine, I'm using a computer.  The only computer you don't know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?  -- Scott McNealy",
"Every view of the world that becomes extinct, every culture that disappears, diminishes the possibility of life.  -- Octavio Paz",
"Every week here at headquarters we get thousands of pieces of email, asking questions like 'How do I get online?'",
"Every why hath a wherefore.",
"Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.  -- Samuel Beckett",
"Every year it takes less time to fly across the Atlantic, and more time to drive to the office.  -- Cousin Woodman",
"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they loose their common sense.  -- Gertrude Stein",
"Everybody in Green Day likes milk best of all, but the thing is, we drink it out of beer bottles because if we don't people will make fun of us and say we're sissies.  -- Billie Joe to Laurie L.",
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.  -- Will Rogers",
"Everybody knows Bob Dole likes peanut butter.  Nobody should touch Bob Dole's peanut butter.   -- Saturday Night Live",
"Everybody knows lesbian sex is more satisfying than heterosexual sex.  -- Threesome",
"Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people.  -- the Refreshments",
"Everybody lies about sex.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Everybody loves you.  Pisses me off.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!",
"Everybody says they want a million bucks, but I'd rather have a million days with you.  -- All",
"Everybody should believe in something.  I believe I will have another drink.",
"Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Everybody wants prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.",
"Everybody who knows anything about history firsthand is dead.  This means our only source of history is historians, who are useless because they keep changing everything around.  -- Dave Barry",
"Everybody's good enough for some change.  -- Live",
"Everybody's headed for death in this piece.  We are not glorifying the violence.  -- John Travolta",
"Everybody's ignorant, just in different subjects.  -- Will Rogers",
"Everybody's playing the game, but nobody's rules are the same.  -- Chess",
"Everyone I know goes away in the end.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"Everyone at W&M thought I was the biggest piece of granola they had ever met.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Everyone believes in the power of positive thinking.  So do I.  I think everything positively stinks.",
"Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.",
"Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.",
"Everyone gets two parents, but there's only one GREEN DAY.  -- Laurie L.",
"Everyone has Patriots, but I all I have is Scuds.  -- Rugburns",
"Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.",
"Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.  -- David Letterman",
"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.  -- Clive James",
"Everyone has a story that would break your heart.  -- Claudia Shearer",
"Everyone has part ownership of the songs.  -- Eddie Vedder",
"Everyone has some redeeming quality... mortality, if nothing else.",
"Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.",
"Everyone in this room is wearing a uniform, and don't kid yourself.  -- Frank Zappa",
"Everyone is a damned fool for five minutes each day.  Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.",
"Everyone is entitled to MY opinion.",
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but they are not entitled to their own facts.  -- Pat Moynihan, quoted in Robert Sobel's review of ``Past Imperfect: History According to the Movies'' edited by Mark C. Carnes",
"Everyone is gifted.  Some open the package sooner.",
"Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story.  -- John Barth",
"Everyone knows the four seasons are pepper, salt, vinegar, and oil.",
"Everyone knows the moon is really made of silver, it's quarters and halves.",
"Everyone needs to adopt the Dobbin standard 13 days.  Makes a simple date last longer than some people's relationships...  -- John Dobbin",
"Everyone said she looked beautiful even without her head.  -- Cracker",
"Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.",
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.",
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.  -- Beverly Johnson",
"Everyone to whom much is given, of him much will be expected; and of him to whom men commit much, they will demand the more.  -- Luke 12:48",
"Everyone wants to live long, but no one wants to be old.",
"Everyone who believes in telekinesis... raise my hand.",
"Everyone's a little queer, why can't she be a little straight?  I'm told she's a lesbian, I thought I had found the one.  We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good.  Pink triangle on her sleeve, let me be the one.  -- Weezer",
"Everyone's a superhero; everyone's a Captain Kirk.  -- Nena",
"Everything I know I learned from my cat:  When you're hungry, eat.  When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam.  When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner.  -- Gary Smith",
"Everything I learned at IBM is worthless.  -- laid-off engineer, quoted in the Los Angeles Times",
"Everything I need to know, I learned in the lyrics of Heavy Metal Ballads.",
"Everything I tell you is true, but that's ACTUAL.",
"Everything bows to success, even grammar.",
"Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.",
"Everything comes to him who waits; among other things, death.  -- Francis Bradley",
"Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing onself.  -- Charles Baudelaire",
"Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.",
"Everything flows.  -- Heraclitus",
"Everything goes over your head.  You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.  -- Blackadder IV",
"Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens, we have to keep going back and beginning again.",
"Everything has chains, absolutely nothing's changed.  -- Pearl Jam",
"Everything has to be done at least twice before it works.",
"Everything he says is either wrong, trivial, or a product name.  -- Andrew Lines",
"Everything he touches turns to gold.  Everything I touch, they make me put back.",
"Everything in excess!  To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.  Moderation is for monks.  -- Lazarus Long",
"Everything in our favor was against us.",
"Everything in the world may be endured except continual prosperity.  -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe",
"Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean everything can be eaten.  -- Willy Wonka",
"Everything is Beta.  I'm Gamma, You're Gamma.  -- Rohit Khare contemplates cool book titles",
"Everything is an object; every object has a declarative UI; every object is secure, authenticated, virtualizable, sharable, archivable, and alive.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Everything is deeply intertwingled.  -- Ted Nelson",
"Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.  One could write a history of science in reverse by assembling the solemn pronouncements of highest authority about what could not be done and could never happen.  -- Robert A. Heinlein, Between Planets",
"Everything is true.  Even false things.",
"Everything must degenerate into work if anything is to happen.  -- Peter Drucker",
"Everything now seems to be under federal control except the national debt and the budget.  -- Bob Goddard",
"Everything right is wrong again, just like in the long long tray.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Everything right is wrong again.  -- They Might be Giants",
"Everything seems cut and dry, day and night, earth and sky.  Somehow I just don't believe it.  -- Soul Asylum",
"Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.",
"Everything should be real-time, OO and distributed.  Well, almost everything.  -- Roman Ginis",
"Everything that Midas touched turned to gold, the lucky fellow.  Every single thing I touch turns to raspberry jello.",
"Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.",
"Everything's got a moral, if you can only find it.  -- Lewis Carroll",
"Everything's zen?  I don't think so.  -- Bush",
"Everytime I look at the ball, I see my ex-wife.  -- John Daly, explaining why he can hit a golf ball farther than anyone else on the pro tour",
"Everytime you meet a situation, though you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before.  -- Eleanor Roosevelt",
"Everywhere I look, nothing but redshifts, other homepages receding from me at the speed of light.  -- Brian Upton",
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage.  -- Carole Mallory",
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.  -- Steven Wright",
"Everywhere you leak, the world hangs a bucket.  -- Gallagher",
"Evian spelled backwards is naive.  -- Reality Bites",
"Evidence refutes liberalism.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Evil always triumphs over good, because good is STUPID!  -- Spaceballs",
"Evolution has a lot of dinosaurs in its path.  -- Carver Mead",
"Evolution is the natural way to program.  -- Tom Ray",
"Evolution sounds okay, but I'd rather keep my options open.",
"Evolution: life's a niche, and then you die.",
"Ewww, Lambchop.  How OLD is that sock?!  If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too.  -- Friends",
"Ex post fucto.  Lost in the mail.",
"Ex-teams are like ex-wives.  Deep, deep down, you know you can't stand them.  -- Charles Barkley",
"Exactly the same, only purple.  -- Ed Matthews",
"Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.",
"Examine what is said, not who speaks.  -- Arabian Proverb",
"Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It's the only thing.  -- Albert Schweitzer",
"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation.  We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly.  We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.  -- Aristotle",
"Excellent day to strive for the distance record in watermelon seed spitting.  Once you've got that, go for accuracy.  You'll become a force to be reckoned with.",
"Exceptions always outnumber rules.",
"Exceptions prove the rule... and wreck the budget.",
"Excess ain't rebellion; you're drinking what they're selling.  -- Cake",
"Exciting minority teens?  How, by aiming gamma rays at them until the spontaneously ejected a photon?  -- Rohit Khare",
"Exculpate, v. tr.:  1. To clear of guilt or blame.",
"Excuse me for not knowing about El Salvador.  Like I'm ever going to Spain anyway.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Excuse me officer, are those Bugle Boy Jeans you're wearing?  -- Top 5",
"Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair.",
"Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.",
"Excuse me while I whip this out.  -- Blazing Saddles",
"Excuse me, I'd like to ass you a few questions.  Afraid I'll make a stink?  -- Ace Ventura",
"Excuse me, I'm due back on Earth.  -- Woody Allen",
"Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'... aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?  Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.  -- the Simpsons",
"Excuse me, but can anyone tell me what's going on here?",
"Excuse me, but there's something about the thickness of your neck and the broadness of your shoulders that makes me think you'd be an agile hunter and provide well for our children.  -- 3rd Rock from the Sun",
"Excuse me, but, didn't we go to different schools together?",
"Excuse me.  I've lost my marbles.  -- Penguin Opus",
"Excuse me.  I've lost my youthful idealism.  And what about my sense of optimism?  Lately I've lost that too.  -- Milo Bloom",
"Excuse me?  Rude or anything?  Nice ensemble.  What a homeless.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Executive Suite, n.:  A sugar daddy.",
"Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time... Shoot the book burners!",
"Exhale, and get a grip on reality.  -- Reality Bites",
"Exhibitionist, n.:  A person who discards three aces in strip poker.",
"Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless!  -- Calvin",
"Exited Mann Chinese at _exactly_ 4:19 AM.  Return trip is ~17 minutes.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Exotic Dancer, n.:  A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.",
"Expansion slots, n. pl.:  The extra holes in your belt buckle.",
"Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.",
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.  -- Dennis Wholey",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  -- Olivier",
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.  -- F.P. Jones",
"Experience is the only teacher that gives the test before giving the lesson.",
"Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.",
"Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.",
"Experience teaches that a strong memory is generally joined to a weak judgment.  -- Michel de Montaigne",
"Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play.  -- Immanual Kant (1724-1804)",
"Experience, n.:  The name given by men to their mistakes.",
"Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail in the same way.",
"Expert, n.:  From EX (a has-been) and SPERT (drip under pressure).",
"Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology.  Just kidding!!  Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?  -- Top 5",
"Explain to me again why I need a man.",
"Explaining the unknown by means of the unobservable is always a perilous business.",
"Exploding piglets!!!  My God, it's raining bacon!",
"Express Lane: Five beers or less.  -- sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Arizona",
"Expressions of exasperation are not arguments.",
"External Storage, n.:  Wastebasket.",
"Extra cash today, generic box shifter tomorrow, rotting corpse the day after.  -- Robert Harley",
"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice.  -- Barry Goldwater, 1964",
"Eyedentify, v.:  To recognize by sight.",
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm",
"F*** it, or fight it; it's all the same.  -- Sublime",
"FDR - a man stricken by polio, stuck in a wheelchair, fighting the Nazis all the while smoking 3 & 1/2 packs a day.  \"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!\"  Yeah, and staircases, of course.  And soccer and dancing.  -- Denis Leary",
"FLORIDA: The Gunshine State.",
"FLUSSSSSH!  Whee!  Ha Ha Ha.  Mom, I'm done with my bath now.  -- Calvin",
"FOR SALE: Nuclear weapons, excellent condition. Designed by Germans, built by Americans, tested by Japaneese.",
"FORK (Friends Of Rohit Khare) Consulting: \"Stick a FORK in it; it's done!\"  -- Rohit Khare",
"FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.",
"FORTRAN programmers just DO it.",
"FTR, it makes no difference with his illy mechanism.  The cat is half-dead until opens the box.  -- Rohit Khare",
"FYI:  That's a picture of Steve Jobs on the wall and a picture of Bill Gates in flames.  -- Aaron Dossett",
"Face definitely matters.  When I'm objectifying men, that is.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Face it: it takes thinking and real effort to redesign and build something over from scratch.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Fact is solidified opinion.",
"Fact without theory is trivia.  Theory without fact is bullshit.",
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.",
"Facts are stupid things.  -- President Ronald Reagan (a blooper from his speech at the '88 GOP convention)",
"Facts do not cease to exist simply because they are ignored.",
"Fad, n.:  In one era and out the other.",
"Fade to black.",
"Fahrvergnookie, n.:  Sex in a Volkswagen.",
"Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.  -- Mary Pickford",
"Failure or success seems to have been allotted to men by their stars.  But they retain the power of wriggling, of fighting with their star or against it, and in the whole universe the only interesting movement is this wriggle.  -- E.M. Forster",
"Failure teaches success.",
"Failure to have fun will not be tolerated.  -- ISO 9000 standard for fun on the job",
"Failure: When your best just isn't good enough.  -- www.despair.com",
"Fairy Tale, n.:  A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.",
"Faith is an ocean you can walk on.  -- Dime Store Prophets",
"Faith is good, but skepticism is better.  -- Guissepe Verdi",
"Faith is much better than belief.  Belief is when someone ELSE does the thinking.  -- R. Buckminster Fuller",
"Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things we do not see.  -- Martin Luther",
"Faith is the quality that enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.",
"Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.",
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  -- Hebrews",
"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto.",
"Fall into yourself... Fall as in a dream.  Love can last forever, though impossible it seems.  -- Pearl Jam",
"Falling in Love is a trick our genes pull on our otherwise perceptive mind to hoodwink us into marriage.  -- M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled",
"Falling in love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.  -- John, age 9",
"Falling in love is like catching knives.  In time, you can learn to do it without hurting yourself every time.  It's still a dangerous proposition, though.  -- nelson@crynwr.com, 10/13/96",
"Falls don't kill people.  It's the deceleration trauma.",
"False Pregnancy, n.:  Laboring under a misconception.",
"Fame creates its own standards.  A guy who twitches his lips is just another guy with a lip twitch... unless he's Humphrey Bogart.  -- Sammy Davis, Jr.",
"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.  -- Mark Twain",
"Familiarity breeds attempt.",
"Familiarity breeds contempt.  And children.  -- Mark Twain",
"Familiarity breeds.",
"Family and friends will always be here, this week's episode of Melrose won't.  -- John Dobbin",
"Famous last words:  Aaaahhhhhhhhh.  -- Icarus",
"Famous last words:  Burp.  -- Lion at the Circus of Rome",
"Famous last words:  Don't let it end like this.  Tell them I said something.  -- Pancho Villa",
"Famous last words:  Don't worry, I can handle it.",
"Famous last words:  Father, beam me up.  -- Jesus Christ",
"Famous last words:  Goodbye.  I am leaving because I am bored.  -- George Saundars",
"Famous last words:  Hey Bubba, watch this!  -- a redneck",
"Famous last words:  Let's do it.  -- convicted murderer Gary Gilmore before being executed",
"Famous last words:  You and what army?",
"Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.  -- Santayana",
"Fans don't boo \"nobodies\".",
"Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more.  Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say.  -- Matt Groening, 1993",
"Fantasy isn't our crutch.  It's arcane.",
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.  -- Goya",
"Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.  -- Theodore Roosevelt",
"Far better it is to dare to mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.  -- Theodore Roosevelt",
"Far too many people idealize and idolize instead of loving.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Fashion, n.:  Something that goes in one year and out the other.",
"Fashionable:  You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger...  like Wyoming!  -- Roxanne",
"Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!",
"Faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.",
"Faster, pussycat, kill, kill!  -- Russ Meyer",
"Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.",
"Fat person, n.:  Nutritional Overachiever.",
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.  -- Animal House",
"Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends.  -- Jacques Delille",
"Fate is coming, welcome it with a smile!  -- Megadeth",
"Fate keeps on happening.  -- Anita Loos",
"Father: \"Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind.\"  Son: \"Dad, I'm over here.\"",
"Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind.  -- Sophie Tunnel",
"Fear is the Mind Killer. It is the little death that leads to total obliteration.  -- Bene Gesserit Axiom",
"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty.  To conquer Fear is the beginning of wisdom.  -- Bertrand Russell",
"Fear not to negotiate, but never negotiate out of fear.  -- John F Kennedy",
"Fear of corrupting the mind of the younger generation is the loftiest form of cowardice.  -- Holbrook Jackson",
"Fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd, smiling.  -- Pink Floyd",
"Feature, n.:  A surprising property of a computer program.  A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.",
"Features should be discovered, not documented.",
"February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.",
"Federal Express (FedEx) is going to merge with United Parcel Service (UPS).  The new organization will be called FED-UP.",
"Fedex at 3-sat. (Fedex can't do n-saturation, though :)  -- Rohit Khare",
"Feel free to change this as you see fit.  Please do change it.  I won't modify it again.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Feel like I stepped in something, and now it's all over my shoe.  -- Billy Joel",
"Feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain.  -- Peter Searls, The Sun, July 1994",
"Feeling without judgment is a washy draught indeed; but judgment untempered by feeling is too bitter and husky a morsel for human deglutition.  -- Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre",
"Feelings are everywhere.  Be gentle.  -- J. Masai",
"Feet smell?  Nose runs?  Hey, you're upside down!",
"Fegguck yeggou!  Eggeat sheggit, eggass hegghole!  Yeggou fegguckegging sheggitheggead!  All legal!  -- Phil Hartman on egg Latin",
"Felines... nothing more than felines...",
"Fellow citizens, we cannot escape history.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"Feminism is the theory, lesbianism the practice.",
"Feminism was established as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Fencers know how to extend, thrust, and when to engage.",
"Fenfluramine (the part of fen-phen you're thinking of) is no mere SSRI.  It's a serotonin releaser: it makes neurons ejaculate their serotonin in an insane orgy of exocytosis.  -- David H. Eden",
"Fer sell cheep:  IBM spel chekker.  Wurks grate.",
"Ferguson's Precept:  A crisis is when you can't say, \"Let's forget the whole thing.\"",
"Fett's Law:  Never replicate a successful experiment.",
"Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.  -- Jack Woodford",
"Few love to hear the sins they love to act.  -- Wiliiam Shakespeare, Pericles",
"Few of our ancestors were perfect ladies and gentlemen; the majority, in fact, weren't even mammals.  -- Robert Anton Wilson",
"Few rich men own their own property.  The property owns them.  -- Robert G. Ingersoll",
"Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood sugar.",
"Few will have the greatness to bend history itself.  But each can do some small act, and in the sum of these events will be written the history of our generation.  -- Robert Kennedy, 1965",
"Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.",
"Fiance is too close to the word finance.",
"Fiction can be fun, but I prefer the reference section.  -- Ace Ventura",
"Fiction is much more universal than non-fiction or biography.  This probably has to do with imagination, as well, but it's much easier for me to identify with fictional characters or situations because they're not talking about some specific event that happened to some specific person.  So much nonfiction is written about exceptional people; I just don't have as much interest in identifying only with the exceptions.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Fido Fisher's Fortuitious Formulary:  Be careful what you know... you might have to teach it one day.",
"Fiedler's Forecasting Rules:  If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.",
"Fifo, n.:  A name of a dog.",
"Fifteen is my limit on Schnitzengruben!  -- Blazing Saddles",
"Fifth Law of Applied Terror, Corollary:  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.",
"Fifth Law of Applied Terror:  If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.",
"Fifth Law of Procrastination:  Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.",
"Fighting for peace is like ****ing for virginity.",
"Figure the worst thing that could happen if you say it (evicted and black-balled, forced to move-in with Rohit :).  Figure the worst that could happen if you didn't say it (waste five years of your life, have Rohit come move in with you :).  Choose.  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.",
"File deletion is forever.  Welcome to the future.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"Filking is Folksinging generally in a SciFi/Fantasy/SCA situation.",
"Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.  -- A.R. Longworth",
"Fill your heart with goodness and there will be no place for evil.  Fill the world with beauty, and there will be no room for darkness.  Fill your moments with joy, and there will be no room for regret.",
"Films, after all, are like those grandparents in 'The Blue Bird' who remain dead in their graves until their children think of them and bring them back to life, at least for a while.  -- William K. Everson",
"Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.",
"Finagle's Fourth Law:  Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.",
"Finagle's Third Law:  In any set of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.",
"Final message from the Titanic:  Crash due to icebug.",
"Finally get to meet that Rubik guy and tell him what you think of that @#*&%! cube.  -- Top 5",
"Finally, it hit me - if Oswald wasn't the killer, then everyone else needs an alibi!",
"Find me and turn thy back on heaven.  -- Emerson",
"Find myself singing the same songs everyday, ones that make me feel good when things behind the smile ain't OK.  -- Blind Melon",
"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them.  -- Frederick Douglass",
"Find something you want and go for it.  Isn't that better than finding something you don't want and running away from it?  -- John Dobbin",
"Find tongues in trees, books in running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.  -- Shakespeare, As You Like It",
"Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.",
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock.  -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981",
"Fine art and pizza delivery... what we do falls neatly in between!  -- David Letterman",
"Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.",
"Fine words! - I wonder where you stole them.  -- Jonathan Swift, 1667-1745",
"Fine-grained decomposition of code as per the \"objects all the way\" philosophers actually *inhibits* code reuse by increasing interface surface area and dependencies.  -- Jeff Bone",
"Finger lickin' good.  Fur extra.",
"Fingering is a real hassle for me.  -- John Dobbin",
"Fingerspitzengefuhl, german:  A feeling in the tips of one's fingers, i.e., intuition.",
"Finite slack, I think.  Just infinitely lazy...  -- Rajit Manohar",
"Finitude: Every living thing dies.  Contingency: Randomness, chance and accident are always waiting in the wings.  Transcience: Everything passes.  -- David Tracy",
"Fire Elementals do it with spark.",
"Fire walk with me.",
"Fire!  Fire!  Fire!  -- Beavis",
"First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:  Machines that piss people off get murdered.  -- Pat Taber",
"First Hillary, then Gennifer, and now us.",
"First I'm gonna use you as a human shield, then I'm going to throw those tools at that guard, and then I'm gonna break your neck.  -- True Lies",
"First Law of Advice:  The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.",
"First Law of Political Campaigns:  If there are twelve cNatural Low:ns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.  -- Adam Walinsky",
"First Law of Socio-Genetics:  Celibacy isn't hereditary.",
"First Rule of Bicycling:  You are always going uphill and against the wind.",
"First Rule of History:  History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.",
"First Rule of Skeptical Inquiry:  Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof.",
"First he regifted, the he degifted, and now he's using a downtown invite to get a Superbowl sex romp.  -- Seinfeld",
"First prize is dinner with Rohit, second prize is traveling around the world with him?  -- Ernie Prabhakar",
"First they raise a lot of dust, and then they complain that they can't see.",
"First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers.  -- Other People's Money",
"First thing you learn: you gotta make it in this world alone.  -- Rancid",
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.  -- Leo Rosenberg",
"First you see the tree in the painting then you see the painting in the tree.  -- Japanese saying",
"First you want to kill me.  Now you want to kiss me.  Blow.  -- Army of Darkness",
"First, I suspected a bug in printf, then in the data storage types, then in the loop optimization. As usual, though, it was a bug in the documentation.  -- Rohit Khare",
"First, director Oliver Stone forces three hours of Jack down our throats in the form of his JFK assassination theories.  With his most recent effort, we all have to swallow three hours of Dick... Dick Nixon that is.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Fish and visitors stink in three days.",
"Fish must be brain food, because they travel in schools.",
"Fish must get awfully tired of sea food.  -- Dudley Moore, Arthur",
"Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other.",
"Fishing is the chance to wash one's soul with pure air.  -- Herbert Hoover",
"Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.",
"Fitzgerald:  The rich are different from us.  Hemingway:  Yes, they have more money.",
"Five bucks says if I dropped another million in Ralph's and Uma's bank accounts I could get them to beat the crap out of some Lupus orphans.  -- Mr. Cranky",
"Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.  -- Robert Firth",
"Five out of four people in the world have trouble understanding fractions.",
"Five percent of the people think; 10 percent of the people think they think; and the other 85 percent would rather die than think.  -- Thomas A. Edison",
"Five second fuses only last three seconds.",
"Fixed Word Length, n.:  Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion",
"Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs!",
"Flappity, floppity, flip, the mouse on the mobius strip; the strip revolved, the mouse dissolved, in a chronodimensional skip.",
"Flashbacks are a thing of the past.  -- Buddy Fielder, City of Angels",
"Flashlight, n.:  A case for holding dead batteries.",
"Flattery is all right, if you don't inhale.  -- Adlai Stevenson",
"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.  -- Josh Billings",
"Flea market item and the ultimate oxymoron: The 1960s Elly May Clampett fashion dool, $80.",
"Flies in the vaseline, we are.  Keep getting stuck here all the time.  -- Stone Temple Pilots",
"Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom.  -- Top 5",
"Flirt, n.:  A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.",
"Floating point arithmetic is not associative.  -- Berna Massingill",
"Flon's Law:  There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.",
"Floppy disk, n.:  Lower back trouble.",
"Flow, flow, flow, the current of life is ever onward.  -- Kobodaishi",
"Flowcharts, n. pl.:  Maps used by river boat pilots",
"Flucard's Corollary:  Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.",
"Flumps do it upside down.",
"Flush twice.  It's a long way to the cafeteria.",
"Fly low, stay cool, and go with the flow.  -- Arthur F. Ross",
"Fly, little birdie!  Be free!  -- Robin Williams",
"Flying is the second greatest experience known to man.  Landing is the first.",
"FoRK Consulting:  Come here and get bit.",
"FoRK Consulting:  Life's a bit, and then it's not.",
"FoRK Consulting:  Our bits cannot be bought.",
"FoRK Consulting:  Stick a FoRK in it, it's done.",
"FoRK Consulting:  We know bits better than you.  So shut up.",
"FoRK Consulting:  We've upped our standards, so up yours.",
"FoRK Consulting:  When we want your opinion, we'll give it to you.",
"FoRK Consulting:  You bring the quibbles, we'll bring the bits.",
"FoRK Consulting:  You keep bringing them over, we'll keep putting them down.",
"FoRK Consulting:  You think you got problems?  Try FoRK!",
"FoRK is nothing more than high tech Pro Wrestling.  And Pro Wrestling is an extrapolation of the society in which we live.  -- Tim Byars",
"Fodder Muckers is a great band name.  -- Adam Rifkin and John Dobbin",
"Fold, mutilate, and spindle THIS.",
"Folks didn't need background checks, scantron questionnaires, and recorded greetings when the process was mediated by relatives who actually *knew* (and vouched for) the would-be lovers.  -- Ari Rapkin",
"Follow the dreamer, the fool, and the sage, back to the days of The Innocent Age.  -- Dan Fogelberg",
"Follow the money. When somebody says, \"It's not the money,\" it's always the money.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before.  -- Joseph Campbell",
"Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares",
"Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.  -- Walt Kelly",
"Food for thought!  Thought from food!  -- Dinosaurs",
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet.",
"Food is not the boss in my life.  I am stronger than the temptation of any food.  -- Richard Simmons",
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me thrice and I'll kick your ass.",
"Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, prepare for doom.  -- Klingon proverb",
"Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.",
"Foolproof operation, n.:  All parameters are hard coded.",
"Fools rush in where Fools have been before!",
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.  -- Alexander Pope",
"Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.",
"Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.",
"Fools wander.  Wise men travel.",
"Football Game, n.:  A sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.",
"Football is like life: it requires perserverence, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.  -- Vince Lombardi",
"Football players have oval balls.",
"Football practice!  -- Shocker",
"For $2, I'll tell you what the word gullible means.",
"For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain and long words Bother me.  -- Pooh",
"For I have known them all already, known them all - have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.  -- T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock",
"For Sale:  Man's suit, perfect fit.",
"For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.",
"For a Twilight Zone sort of treat, checkout Celebration Florida.  It's an actual city constructed by the Disney folks.  It has this eerie Stepford sort of feel to it, with just a hint of Logan's Run mixed in.  It seems like it was some sort of experiment in happiness gone awry.  It's a sort of forced perfection quality that's kind of hard to explain.  -- Megan's friend Chuck",
"For a good prime call:  2^756839 - 1",
"For a good prime call:  391581 * 2^216193 - 1",
"For a kidnapping victim, you look pretty good.  Where'd you get the diamonds?  -- Melrose Place",
"For a list of al the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.  -- Alice Kahn",
"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.  -- Alice Kahn",
"For a minute there, room-service took on a whole new meaning.  -- Crocodile Dundee",
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.  -- Richard Feynman",
"For adult education, nothing beats children.",
"For as Hollywood spin-meisters attempt to colonize and exploit cyberspace for their own purposes, they are finding that the Web is a big, unruly place that resists the best efforts of studio control freaks who depend on carefully crafted buzz to launch their movies.  \"Buzz is no longer two people at a cocktail party,\" fumes Warner Bros. marketing chief Chris Pula.  \"Now anybody with a computer is a newspaper.\"  -- Rex Weiner, Cybergeek Leaks Freak Pic Biz, Variety, 7/28/97",
"For better and worse, today's Internet is a vast, teeming commons on which buggy technological innovations, experimental business plans, fringe political movements and evanescent pop-culture trends are all emerging, converging and mutating.  -- Salon",
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.  Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.  That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.",
"For certain people after 50, litigation takes the place of sex.  -- Gore Vidal",
"For dog bite, put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.",
"For every PhD there is an equal but opposite PhD.",
"For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered.",
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.  -- H. L. Mencken",
"For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.  -- R. Clopton",
"For every door of opportunity in life that closes, another five open.  And if that doesn't help you find something to do you can always get a job as a door man!  -- Tom Brophy",
"For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed.",
"For every man there is a woman, or a pay-per-view special.",
"For every person that believes there is an easy way out, there are a hundred and one persons waiting to stop him.  -- Mephisto",
"For every romance that begins with a Mickey Rourke type slamming a Kim Basinger type up against an alley wall in the rain, there are a thousand, I suppose, that begin when your cat throws up a fur ball in the lap of the woman you're trying to impress.  -- Roger Ebert",
"For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies.  -- Laurence Sterne",
"For every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies.  -- Laurence Sterne, 1713-1768",
"For every upside-down A, there exists a backwards E.",
"For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.",
"For every year the class of 1994 has been on campus, the Bills have lost the SuperBowl.",
"For fainting, rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.",
"For fractures, to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.",
"For gas sales after hours, first, honk horn once!  Then keep your shirt on while I get my pants on.  (No sales less than 5 gallons).",
"For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged by better information or fuller consideration to change opinions.  -- Ben Franklin",
"For health care, consider immediate access, limited costs, and high-tech medicine. Choose two.",
"For heavens sake, people, it's JUST a television show!  -- William Shatner",
"For here we are not afraid to follow the truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it.  -- Thomas Jefferson",
"For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases in knowledge increases sorrow.  -- Ecclesiastes 1:18",
"For it is the doom of men that they forget.  -- Merlin",
"For it is written that in the beginning there was the /dev/null, and then the lord spake the word, and lo, the word was EMACS.",
"For lack of anything constructive to say, I will attempt to better mankind with the following advice:  Ha ha hee hee.",
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:  Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.  -- Jack Handey",
"For me, it was a combination of the people and the fact that it was the only place open late at night (okay, I didn't like the atmosphere at the Polo Club, and Frank's Truck Stop, aka: Trank's, was only okay on rare occasions).  We watched the Gulf War from Second Street.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"For me, sick is the only way to go.  -- George, on Seinfeld",
"For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.  -- Gloria Borger, USNaWR 6/5/95",
"For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ.  -- William Shakespeare, Hamlet II.ii",
"For my money, it's the nooner.  The thought that everyone in your life has prepared you to be responsible and to get out there and work all day, and there you are... not!  And may I add, to the nth degree!  -- Seinfeld",
"For nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body.",
"For of those to whom much is given, much is required.  -- Acts",
"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.",
"For people who live their lives in classical music the Three Tenors is a kind of benign tumor: unsightly but not life threatening.  -- Bernard Holland, NYT 7/22/96",
"For people who no longer need the magazine.  -- ad for Penthouse brand condoms",
"For reasons I'd rather not javelin.  -- John Dobbin",
"For sale:  Iraqi rifle.  Never fired.  Dropped once.",
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.",
"For some people, the passion is getting somewhere.  For others, the passion is enjoying the journey.  I know both kinds of people, and they're both a lot of fun (at least up to a point).   The ones who are boring are those with no passion, or  a very small one (e.g., making lots of money).  \"What profiteth those who gain the whole world yet loses their soul?\"  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"For some perverse reason that's better left to the imagination, X insists on calling the program running on the remote machine the client.  -- Unix-Haters Handbook",
"For some reason, a lot of Hollywood big shots are curious to see how they'd be drawn with bulging eyes and no chin.  -- Matt Groening",
"For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they're allowed to work.  -- Chris Gahan",
"For some reason, this sentence reminds everyone of Adam Rifkin.",
"For some women, shopping is a sex compensation, so the shop must seduce the customer.  -- Lady Dartmouth",
"For the cost of a burger and fries, every family can now join the Internet community, said Tim Oren, vice president and general manager of CompuServe's Internet Division.  -- M2 Presswire 161095",
"For the egoist has so far the advantage over every other species of devotee, that his idol is ever present.  -- Catherine Gore",
"For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.  -- Rudyard Kipling",
"For the first time anywhere, handguns will face the same common sense consumer safety standards as baby rattles, bicycles and teddy bears.  -- Massachusetts Attorney General Scott Harshbarger, on Massachusetts becoming the first state in the U.S. to issue consumer protection regulations for handguns [\"the regulations require all handguns sold within the state to include child-proofing features, tamper-proof serial numbers and detailed consumer safety warnings\"]",
"For the humor impaired, insert a :-) after every three words.",
"For the last five years we have been in a new industrial era in this country.  We are making progess industrially and economically not by leaps and bounds, but on a perfectly heroic scale.  -- Forbes magazine, June 1929",
"For the moon never beams without bringing the dreams of the beautiful Annabel Lee.  -- Edgar Allen Poe",
"For the next time we want some of that fabu 'za...  -- Mack Rhinelander",
"For those who say I can't impose my morality on others, I say just watch me.  -- Joseph Scheidler, Executive Director, Pro-Life Action League",
"For thousands of dollars your name can go here.",
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson",
"For three strange days I had no obligations.  My mind was a blur;  I did not know what to do.  I think I lost myself when I lost my motivation...  -- School of Fish",
"For three things there is no remedy:  Poverty associated with laziness, sickness coupled with old age, and enmity mixed with envy.  -- Chinese Proverb",
"For visions come not to polluted eyes.  -- Mary Howitt",
"For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman?  -- Top 5",
"For you speech to be immortal, it doesn't have to be eternal.  -- Bess Truman to Harry",
"For your own safety, please stay behind the line I have drawn around my supply of chocolate.",
"For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!",
"Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries for the benefit of rich people in poor countries.  -- Bernard Rosenberg",
"Foreign aid, n.:  The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.",
"Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.",
"Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius!  If we do not meet again, why shall we smile:  If not, why then this parting was well made.  -- William Shakespeare",
"Forewarned is forarmed... but four arms do not great feets make.",
"Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal, buster!",
"Forget home.  Behind the sternum and between the lungs: that's where the heart is.  -- Bo Williams",
"Forget the Joneses... I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!",
"Forget the badminton, stick with the math.  No one ever sticks an algorithm up your butt.  -- Kevin and Bean",
"Forget the computer!  Where's my abacus?",
"Forgetfulness, n.:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.",
"Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.  -- Martin Luther King Jr.",
"Forgiving comes from within.  You had the power to go home all this time if you wanted to.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Forgiving is not forgetting; it's letting go of the hurt.  -- Mary McLeod Bethune",
"Former Presidents Bush, Carter and Ford all announced support for Clinton's sending troops to Bosnia.  Gee, it must be comforting to know that three guys who couldn't win reelection think you're doing the right thing.",
"Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.",
"Formula for success:  Underpromise and overdeliver.  -- Tom Peters",
"Fortunately, ah keep mah feathahs numbah'd for just such an occasion.  -- Foghorn Leghorn",
"Fortune cookies get broken before they do anything profound.  So do a lot of people.  -- Adam Rifkin and Samantha Crouse",
"Fortune lies as much/ in the hand of the eater/ as in the cookie.  -- Douglas Hofstadter",
"Fortune sides with him who dares.  -- Virgil, Aeneid",
"Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.",
"Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.  -- Victor Hugo",
"Four New York men died after ingesting a purported aphrodisiac.  The product was apparently manufactured by a Spanish fly-by-night operation.",
"Four minus two is one and the same.",
"Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries...  -- Japan Times",
"Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.",
"Four-word story of failure:  Hired, tired, mired, fired.",
"Fragrance... is our strongest link to the past, our closest fellow traveler to the future.  -- Tom Robbins",
"Frankie say `No more'.  -- Frankie Goes to Hollywood",
"Frankly, I'm getting a little ticked off.  -- Dink",
"Frankly, sir, I'm a whirlygig of ebullience.  -- Boston Common",
"Freaks are people too.  -- John Dobbin on what he's learned from Jerry Springer",
"Fred's Fifth Law:  \"Common sense\" isn't.",
"Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!",
"Free Speech, Democracy.  -- complete text of a sign put up on a roadside fence in Vancouver by university law student Craig Jones.  Jones was arrested for doing so by Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who were protecting dictators attending the APEC (Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation) meeting in Vancouver, November 1997 from dissent.  He was released without being charged after 14 hours in custody.",
"Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.",
"Free every Monday through Friday: Knowledge.  Bring your own container.",
"Free to a good home, 4 year old black standard poodle.  He has papers, three legs.  Friendly.  Answers to the name Lucky.",
"Freedom defined is freedom denied.  -- The Illuminatus",
"Freedom is being able to do what you want without considering anyone but the police, boss, insurance company, state, federal, and city authorities, and the neighbors.",
"Freedom is having a choice of the chains in which you're bound.",
"Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.  -- Alan Dean Foster",
"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.  -- Martin Luther King Jr.",
"Freedom is not the right to do what we want.  Freedom is the power to do what we ought.",
"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.  -- Albert Camus",
"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.",
"Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.  -- John Diefenbaker",
"Freedom of speech is the right to argue about issues you don't understand.",
"Freedom of speech is wonderful.  It ranks right up there with freedom not to listen.",
"Freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom to use neither.  -- Mark Twain",
"Freedom of the press has to be regulated, you see.  -- Lu Ping, diector of China's Hong Kong and Macao office, explaining Bejing's plan to ban Hong Kong's press from advocating Taiwanese independence",
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one.  -- Liebling",
"Freedom without discipline breeds laziness and apathy.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Freedom's just another word for not caring about the quality of your work.  -- Scott Adams",
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.  -- Janis Joplin",
"Freeman's Commentary:  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.",
"Freeman's Commentary:  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.",
"Freeman's Commentary:  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.",
"French for dark bathroom:  Jeanne d'Arc",
"Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.  -- Top 5",
"Fresco's Discovery:  If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.",
"Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.",
"Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.  Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm.  Grad Student: Is content with mediocrity.",
"Freud is the father of psychoanalysis.  It has no mother, by the way.  -- Adam Curry",
"Freud said that the essence of the comic was the conservation of psychic energy. But then again Freud never played second house Friday night at the Glasgow Empire.  -- Ken Dodd",
"Friday the 13th!  Well, I'm not suspicious.  -- Thanh Boyer",
"Friend, n.:  One who knows all about you and loves you just the same.  -- Elbert Hubbard",
"Friend... good.  -- Frankenstein's monster",
"Friendly fire - ISN'T !",
"Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!",
"Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.",
"Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.",
"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.  -- Kahlil Gibran",
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value: rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.  -- C.S. Lewis",
"Friendship, of itself a holy tie, is made more sacred by adversity.  -- Charles Caleb Colton",
"Frisbeetarianism, n.:  The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.",
"From Harper's index: at current rate of increase, all americans will be overweight by 2059.  Isn't extrapolation fun?  -- Robert Harley",
"From Here to Maternity.",
"From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: \"Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.\"",
"From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: \"Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping.\"",
"From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.  -- Karl Marx",
"From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.",
"From man, it's invented.  From God, it's discovered.  -- Joel Franklin",
"From my brain, an organ with a mind of its own.",
"From my perspective (I'm graduating from Caltech next month), the violently creative have no future applying to graduate school, it seems...  -- Rohit Khare",
"From now on, I'd like you to refer to women as \"Internal-Americans.\"  -- Megan Coughlin",
"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.  -- Calvin",
"From stupidity there is always something to be learned, but it's always the same thing: don't be stupid.  -- Robert M. Adams",
"From the Department of Redundancy Dept.",
"From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and \"Jeopardy\" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.  -- Roy Ashley",
"From the back to the middle and around again.  -- Robert Harley (akshuly, it's from some song)",
"From the depths of our wallets, those Suck condoms silently mock us.  -- Suck, making the point that technology hasn't improved anyone's social life",
"From the mouths of babes... comes... something good.",
"From the recent weather reports, they've had some mild weather lately, which could mean that this weekend won't be terribly representative of winter weather....  Can I dither or what?  -- Berna Massingill",
"From the sublime to the ridiculous is but a step.  -- Napoleon Bonaparte",
"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.  -- Arthur Ashe",
"From womb to tomb, you suffer.  -- Rush Limbaugh",
"Froud's Law:  A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.",
"Frozen pizza will never be any good and there's nothing science can do about it.",
"Fruit group.  Sweet tarts.  These are killer, buddy.  So citrusy, you'll freak.  -- Encino Man",
"Fruits or nuts?  House or senate?  -- Golden Years",
"Frust, sniglet:  The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.",
"Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.  -- Bits & Pieces",
"Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  Push something hard enough it will fall over.",
"Full Monty, n.:  1. naked, nude, 2. to go the Full Monty, vb. to take all one's clothes off, to go the whole way, to be totally naked.",
"Fulldeckism:  An intellect rivaled by my garden tools.",
"Fulldeckism:  Been short on oxygen one time too many.",
"Fulldeckism:  Born ugly, built to last.",
"Fulldeckism:  Brain permanently in power saving mode.",
"Fulldeckism:  Can't find his ass with 2 hands, a periscope and a compass in a locked closet.",
"Fulldeckism:  Considered a plant if he developed phototrophic motility.",
"Fulldeckism:  Cranio-rectally inverted.",
"Fulldeckism:  Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.",
"Fulldeckism:  Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.",
"Fulldeckism:  Teflon Brain.  Nothing sticks.",
"Fulldeckism:  The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.",
"Fulldeckism:  Unclear which of Newton's 3 laws of motion keeps his ears apart.",
"Fully Integrated, n.:  See bussing.",
"Fun activity!  Writing the alphabet... with your tongue...  -- Robert Harley",
"Fun fact: the dutch word for \"delicious\" is pronounced \"lacquer\".  Telling, isn't it?  -- Jim Bay",
"Fun is Nuf spelled backwards.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Fun is a good thing but only when it spoils nothing better.  -- George Santayana",
"Fun thing to do: Put Slinkies on an escalator.",
"Fundage... wease some older nugs with a mansion and a pool... soakin' up the rays... watchin' all the Jeop-ardy you can handle...  -- Encino Man",
"Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art.",
"Funk at a whole new level.  The rhythm is the bass, and the bass is the treble.  -- Warren G. and Nate Dogg",
"Funky... Unexpected... Introspective.  -- Debbie Gibson newsletter DEBHEAD",
"Funny noises are not funny.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Funny road sign:  CAUTION: FALLING DUCKS NEXT 2 MILES.",
"Funny road sign:  SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY.",
"Funny road sign:  SLOW MEN AT WORK.",
"Funny, only sensible people agree with me.",
"Furbling, sniglet:  Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.",
"Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.  -- H. H. Williams",
"Furry four-legged male cheese lover seeking mate.  -- David Letterman",
"Furthermore, roughly 95% of the American public is consistently found to be scientifically illiterate by any rational standard.  -- David Goodstein",
"Futility: You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.  -- www.despair.com",
"Future events such as these will affect you, in the future.",
"Futuristic, n.:  It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.",
"Fuzzy Logic:  For those that are tired of cold, hard facts.",
"G. Gordon Liddy, shut the **** up!  -- Dennis Miller",
"GARDEN STATE is on the New Jersey license plate because the words TOXIC WASTDUMP DIRTBAG STATE won't fit.",
"GET YOUR ****ING LOUSY PIECE OF SHOELEATHER ASS IN HERE OR I'LL STACK YOUR APARTMENT WITH 3,000 DECAPITATED BABY DUCKS.  -- Rohit Khare",
"GIANTS 1:  If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.  -- Isaac Newton",
"GIANTS 2:  In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.  -- Gerald Holton",
"GIANTS 3:  If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.  -- Hal Abelson",
"GIANTS 4:  In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.  -- Brian K. Reid",
"GNU programmers do it for free.  And they don't give a damn about look and feel.",
"GUIs are great at representing everything except relationships involving the word \"many\".  -- Larry Wall",
"Gak.  I remember SUIF now, I think, and not fondly...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.",
"Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:  Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.",
"Galileo's head was on the block; the crime was looking up the truth.  -- Indigo Girls",
"Gambling is right, they even say in the Bible it's right.  Somewhere in the back.  -- Homer Simpson",
"Gambling, n.:  The sure way of getting nothing for something.",
"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.  -- Wilson Mizner",
"Game over, man!  -- Aliens",
"Garbage bag cinched at baby's waist = 10-day diaper.  -- Top 5",
"Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.",
"Gardening tip:  Weed it and reap.",
"Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.",
"Garish is not enough.  -- Howard Rheingold",
"Garlic gum is not funny.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Garrison Keillor says that all great humor has five elements: religion, money, family relationships, sex, and mystery.  One 12-word joke contains all of these elements.  \"God,\" said the Banker's daughter, \"I'm pregnant!  I wonder who it was?\"",
"Gas, grass, or ass -- ain't no free ride...  -- bathroom graffito",
"Gastropods do it very slowly.  But they don't need lubrication.",
"Gates' head on a platter.  I'm not a cannibal, but I'm willing to learn.  Put an apple in his mouth too, for the poetic angle.  -- Greg Bolcer",
"Gave his life for tourism.  -- Steve Martin on King Tut",
"Gazongas?  I think he was saying he likes your cones.  -- Encino Man",
"Gee, I've never been mauled in stereo before.",
"Gee, O.J. and Al Cowlings would make a great tag team.",
"Geek status symbol #104: Your three cats are named 'sed' 'grep' and 'awk'.",
"Geez, I haven't seen a cast like this since 'Judgement at Neurenberg'.  -- MST3K",
"Genderplex, sniglet:  The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).",
"General notions are generally wrong.  -- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu",
"Generation X is dead. It has come to mean anyone aged 13 to 55 years old.  -- William Gibson, 1995",
"Generation X-travagant.  Generation WHY?",
"Generations: America from 1584 to 2069.  -- Strauss and Howe",
"Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.",
"Genitalia is not an Italian airline.",
"Genitals prefer blondes.",
"Genius does what it must.  Talent does what it can.  -- Emerson",
"Genius hath electric power which earth can never tame.  -- Lydia M. Child",
"Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.",
"Genius is an African that dreams of snow.  -- Vladimir Nabokov",
"Genius is another word for magic, and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable.  -- Margot Fonteyn",
"Genius is the gold in the mine; talent is the miner who works and brings it out.  -- Marguerite Blessington",
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity isn't as handicapped.",
"Genius not only diagnoses the situation but supplies the answers.  -- Robert Graves",
"Genius without education is like silver in the mine.  -- Ben Franklin",
"Genius, n.:  A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with BRIGHT.",
"Genius, n.:  A nudist with a memory for faces.",
"Gentile Ben never attended a bear mitzvah.",
"Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed.  -- Top 5",
"Gentleman, include me out.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"Gentleman, n.:  A man who wouldn't strike a woman with his hat on.  -- Evan Esar",
"Gentlemen prefer blondes, and for good reason.  Where there's light, there's heat.",
"Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.  -- Samuel Goldwyn",
"Gentlemen, we are history.  -- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure",
"Geographers do it globally.",
"Geometry, n.:  What the acorn said after it grew up.",
"George Costanza: If 95% of the population is undateable, then how are all these people getting together?  Jerry Seinfeld: Alcohol.  -- Seinfeld",
"George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.  -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82",
"George Orwell was an optimist.",
"George Washington was first in war, first in peace... and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.  -- Ashley Cooper",
"George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country.  -- George Carlin",
"George's mother: Why, Georgie, why?  George: Because it's there.  -- Seinfeld",
"George: You don't have a replacement for ME lined up, do you?  Jerry: [silent...] [sips coffee...]  -- Seinfeld",
"George: \"You can't dump me!  I've got hand!\"  George's girlfriend: \"Yeah, and you're gonna need it.\"  -- Seinfeld",
"Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to kill a couple of spectators.  -- David Letterman",
"German for brassiere:  Keepinsiefromfloppin'.",
"German tourists keep dying in Florida?  Gee, do you think all those old Jewish people there have anything to do with it?",
"Germany, Europe.  1944.  16 million DEAD.  Bosnia, Europe.  1994.  HOW MANY MORE?",
"Gerrold's Law of Infernal Dynamics:  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.",
"Gerrold's Law of Infernal Dynamics:  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.",
"Gerrold's Law of Infernal Dynamics:  The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.",
"Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!",
"Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.",
"Get behind early so you have  plenty of time to catch up.",
"Get busy living, or get busy dying.  -- The Shawshank Redemption",
"Get down off your high horse.  It's dangerous to ride an animal who's been ingesting controlled substances.",
"Get down.  Shut up.  -- Forrest Gump",
"Get found, kid!  -- Robert Fulgham",
"Get out of my bed, and don't come back until your dick is bigger.  -- Madonna, Truth or Dare",
"Get out of my facial.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Get real.  If you don't have a parachute, don't jump.",
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.",
"Get some rest.  If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.  -- The Princess Bride",
"Get stoned -- Drink liquid cement.",
"Get these spiders offa me!  -- MST3K",
"Get up every morning with a purpose, not a reason.  If you don't know the difference, picture a robbery taking place in an alley.  The guy holding the gun is being \"purposeful.\"  The guy forking over his wallet is being \"reasonable.\"  -- Rich Hall, _Self-Help for the Bleak_",
"Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in the bed.",
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as you please.  -- Mark Twain",
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.  -- Mark Twain",
"Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!  -- Planet of the Apes",
"Gettin' crazy with the Cheez Whiz!  -- Beck",
"Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.  -- Calvin",
"Getting disemboweled always makes me kind of mad.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.  -- Zsa Zsa Gabor",
"Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.  -- Mitch Kapor",
"Getting melted down by heat rays would have been better.  That was at least quick, but being bored to death was sort of like being nibbled to death by ducks.  -- Joe R. Lansdale",
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.  -- Homer Simpson",
"Getting trapped inside an old house with a bunch of granolaheads wasn't on my daily calendar.  -- Golden Years",
"Ghiradelli Square... great sundaes.  The chocolate is ok, but the sundaes are great.  Thanks a lot, Adam... it's not even 9:00 am, and I'm starving.  -- Holly, Vineyard",
"Ghoti, n.:  Fish, with \"gh\" as in enough, \"o\" as in women, and \"ti\" as in -tion  -- George Bernard Shaw",
"Gifts are very hard to get, much much harder than grants.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Gigolo, n.:  A fee-male.",
"Gimme a break, willya?  The Gotti Family picnic is starting in ten minutes.  -- Top 5",
"Gimme back my face!  You're getting it ugly.",
"Gimme some sugar, baby.  -- Army of Darkness",
"Ginger ale wishes and tuna fish dreams.",
"Ginger or Mary Anne?  Ginger was a bimbo.",
"Ginsberg's Theorem:  1. You can't win.  2. You can't break even.  3. You can't even quit the game...",
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue Cross and salary.",
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair.  -- Tasha",
"Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand.  -- Benny Hill",
"Girls are so queer you never know what they mean.  They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits for the fun of it.  -- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women",
"Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls dig their girls love their boys dig their boys love their girls.  -- Blur",
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.",
"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day... teach a man to fish and you feed him for life.  -- Chinese proverb",
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death, while praying for a fish.",
"Give a man a piece of working code and you solve his problem.  Teach a man to write code and you give him a lifetime of new problems.  -- http://www.peak.org/~luomat/next/",
"Give a monkey a brain and he will swear that he is the center of the universe.",
"Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.",
"Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.  -- Abraham Kaplan",
"Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.",
"Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.",
"Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.  -- William Shakespeare",
"Give light and the darkness will disappear of itself.  -- Desiderius Erasmus",
"Give me 10,000 spoons and I'll make me a knife.  Or trade for one.  -- John Dobbin",
"Give me 10,000 spoons and I'll use one of them to gouge Alanis Morisette's eyes out.  Oh.  Sorry.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.",
"Give me a place to sit, and I'll watch.  -- friend of Archimedes",
"Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world.  -- Kaiser Wilhelm",
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else.",
"Give me caffeine, and no one gets hurt.",
"Give me chastity and self-restraint... but not yet.  -- Saint Augustine",
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.  -- Napoleon",
"Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.  -- Jack Benny",
"Give me somewhere to stand, and I will move the Earth.  -- Archimedes",
"Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.  -- Frank Lloyd Wright",
"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.",
"Give the First Lady a ride on Air Force One, if you know what I mean.  -- Top 5",
"Give them Win98.  They deserve it.  -- Tim Byars",
"Give us the truth, the networks say.  Based Upon.  Well, Inspired By.  Okay, Suggested by.  Hinted By.  Dreamed By.  -- Al Martinez",
"Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.",
"Given a large enough beta-tester and co-developer base, almost every problem will be characterized quickly and the fix obvious to someone.  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions, would there be at least one with a life?  -- Top 5",
"Given any real number X, X=0 unless it equals something else.",
"Given epsilon less than 37...  -- math prof from purgatory",
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest.  -- Eric Clapton",
"Given the choice to sleep with anyone living or dead, choose the living one.",
"Given the jury's decision and the power invested in me by Peewee Herman, I hereby sentence you to be flogged with spaghetti for life, with no possibility of parole.  -- Robert Harley",
"Given two items, you will undoubtedly be asked for one back.",
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.  -- PJ O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores",
"Giving requires good sense.  -- Ovid",
"Giving the undergraduates two weeks for a homework doesn't help.  They wait until the last minute anyway.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Giving up hope?  Good for you; hope sucks.  -- George Carlin",
"Glancing at the table of contents, it looks like YASHEEOFLS, yet another spin on how to encode everything OO into a functional language with subtyping.  -- Robert Harley",
"Glass of milk Standing in between extinction in the cold and explosive radiating growth.  So the warm blood flows Through the large four-chambered heart, Maintaining the very high metabolism rate they have.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"Glass, china, and reputations are easily cracked and never well mended.  -- Benjamin Franklin",
"Glass, n.:  Chinese marijuana.",
"Glenn Frey was an absolutely inspired casting choice.  What a great way to kill some time on Christmas Eve.  -- John Dobbin",
"Gloat.  Make everybody else feel like failures.  Live a garish and decadent life.  -- Dogbert's advice to the rich",
"Gluttony is not a secret vice.  -- Orson Welles",
"Gnagloot, sniglet:  A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.",
"Gnomes are too short to do it.",
"Go Lemmings, Go!!!",
"Go ahead and marry her, she's really nice, she's everything that I can't be, I just hope that somewhere in your wedded bliss you find the time to think of me.  -- Go Sailor",
"Go ahead hit me, I need the money.",
"Go ahead, have dessert.  I'm quite confident that sex with you will be worth the $93 dinner tab.",
"Go ahead... make my day...  -- Clint Eastwood",
"Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.",
"Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther.  -- Thomas Carlyle",
"Go directly to jail.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Do not - I repeat - do not bend over to pick up your soap when you drop it.  -- 3rd Rock from the Sun",
"Go down that hill *real* fast.  If anything gets in your way, turn.  -- Better Off Dead",
"Go oft to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the unused path.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson",
"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.  -- Desiderata",
"Go to an extreme and then retreat to a more useful position.  -- Brian Eno",
"Go to her door... beg like a human.  -- Worf",
"Go to the law for a sheep and lose your cow.  -- German Proverb",
"Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is an excellent substitute.  I have *got* to try this.  Shopping with a fully grown goat sounds like a little slice of heaven.  -- John Dobbin",
"Goals are dreams with deadlines.  -- Diana Scharf Hunt",
"Goblin your food is bad for your elf.",
"God HAD to be male.  No female God would have created men.",
"God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!",
"God I would love to drag his frat boy ass to a Chaos UK concert.  -- alt.punk to Adam Rifkin",
"God I'm tired. Tired tired tired. I went to sleep at 1:30. And woke up at 5:30. Blah. Exhaustion... it's a way of li.....zzzzzzzzzz.  -- Michelle Morrell",
"God brings no man into the conflicts of life to desert him; every man has a friend in Heaven whose resources are unlimited; and on Him he may call at any hour and find sympathy and assistance.  -- Robert Hughes Morris",
"God cannot alter the past, but historians can.  -- Samuel Butler",
"God could create the universe in six days because He didn't have to make it upwardly compatible.",
"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.  -- Jewish proverb",
"God created Adam lord of all living creatures, but Eve spoiled it all.  -- Martin Luther",
"God created Whiskey to prevent the Irish from conquering the world!",
"God created gentiles because SOMEONE has to buy retail.",
"God created man before She created woman, because you always need a rough draft.",
"God created man in his own image, and then man returned the favor.",
"God created man, and finding him not sufficiently alone, gave him a companion to make him feel his solitude more.  -- Paul Valery",
"God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment - but many other things ceased as well!  Woman was God's second mistake.  -- Nietzsche",
"God creates dinosaurs.  God destroys dinosaurs.  God creates man.  Man destroys God.  Man creates dinosaurs...  -- Jurassic Park",
"God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.",
"God does not play dice.",
"God does play dice, (and) sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen.  -- Stephen Hawking, The Nature of Space and Time",
"God doesn't believe in atheists.",
"God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.  -- Robin Williams",
"God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December.  -- James M. Barrie",
"God gave us two ears and one mouth. That ought to tell us something.",
"God gave us two ears and one tongue, so we may listen twice as much as we talk.",
"God gave... legs to the horses, gills to the fish, wings to the birds, heads to the men, and brains to the women.  -- A. Namelesspoet",
"God gives burdens; also shoulders.  -- Jimmy Carter",
"God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.",
"God has made many doors opening into truth which He opens to all who knock upon them with hands of faith.  -- Kahlil Gibran",
"God heals and the doctor takes the fee.",
"God help me, I sort of like the interface for this........  -- John Dobbin discovers msn.com",
"God invented mothers because He couldn't be everywhere at once.  And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once.",
"God invented women because sheep can't cook.",
"God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.  -- Voltaire",
"God is a concept by which we measure our pain.  -- John Lennon, Working Class Hero", 
"God is an atheist.",
"God is dead and no one cares...  -- Nine Inch Nails, Heresy",
"God is dead.  -- Nietschze.   Nietschze is dead.  -- God.",
"God is in the Details.  -- Mies van der Rohe",
"God is love.  Satan is 30.  God better watch those double-faults.",
"God is love...  Love is blind...  Ray Charles is God!",
"God is not dead.  He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project.",
"God is not dead.  He just couldn't find a parking place.",
"God is not dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.",
"God is not dead.  He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's.",
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  -- Lazarus Long",
"God is real, unless declared integer.",
"God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.  -- Pablo Picasso",
"God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.  -- Alfred Jarry",
"God keep your ladyship still in that mind, so some gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate scratched face.  -- Much Ado About Nothing",
"God knows I don't ask you for much!  -- Kramer, on Seinfeld",
"God made Nautilus to keep the geeks off the free weights.",
"God made man at the end of the week, when He was tired.  Then God made woman so that man might improve himself.",
"God made perfect heads.  Those that were not, He covered with hair.",
"God made the Idiot for practice.  Then He made the School Board.  -- Mark Twain",
"God made the integers.  All else is the work of Man.  -- Kronecker",
"God made the machine language.  All the rest is the work of Man.",
"God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.",
"God may give you seeds but he won't plant them for you.",
"God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.",
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  The Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  -- William Brag",
"God said, Let there be Unix.  Man said, let's make copies and sell it.",
"God told Moses to come forth.  Moses came fifth and God lost twenty bucks.",
"God was an alcoholic; he created this world when he woke up with a hangover.  -- Peter Cook",
"God, I was a teenager in the mall obsessing about this cheerleader who would never go out with me, playing this videogame.  -- J.C. Herz",
"God, sometimes you just don't come through.  Do you need a woman to look after you?  -- Tori Amos",
"God, thanks for this food and please help me not taste it.",
"Goddess soaring above you says, \"Do not dream of peaches or the puppy will drool on you.\"",
"Godwin's Law of Nazi Analogies:  As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.",
"Goin' to bed in the mornin', breakfast in the afternoon.  -- Dave Graney",
"Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.",
"Going the speed of light is bad for your age.",
"Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.",
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.  -- Laurence J. Peter",
"Going to the bathroom and reading a book are in no way mutually exclusive.  Finish a page, tear it out and wipe your ass.  -- John Dobbin",
"Gold Digger, n.:  A girl who breaks dates by going out with them; a gal who believes in sinner take all.",
"Gold is a wonderful thing!  Whoever owns it is lord of all he wants.  With gold it is ever possible to open for souls the way to paradise!  -- Christopher Columbus, 1503",
"Goldenstern's Rules:  1. Always hire a rich attorney.  2. Never buy from a rich salesman.",
"Goldfish don't bounce.  -- Bart Simpson, writing 500 times on the board",
"Golf combines two of America's greatest pasttimes... taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.  -- P.J. O'Rourke",
"Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.  -- Bob Hope",
"Golf is a good walk spoiled.",
"Golf players have dimpled balls.",
"Golfer yells FORE!, takes six, and puts down five.",
"Gonna take my hips to a man who cares.  -- P.J. Harvey",
"Good Lord almighty, this taxicab smells like urine!  -- David Letterman's Barbershop Quartet",
"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.  --  La Rouchefoucauld",
"Good call, you hit it right on.  -- Rohit Khare to Adam Rifkin, 3/7/95",
"Good evening, and welcome to Introducing My Grandfather To.  Tonight I shall be introducing my grandfather to the pornographer and steeple-chase jockey, Benton Asher.  -- Hugh Laurie",
"Good evening, and welcome to Trying To Borrow A Fiver Off.  -- Hugh Laurie",
"Good fortune is yours when you stock tons of fortune cookies.",
"Good girls go to heaven... but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!!",
"Good grief.  I think I'm deciding that the web is Satan's work.  -- Paolo Sivilotti",
"Good habits result from resisting temptation.  -- Ancient Proverb",
"Good ideas and innovations must be driven into existence by courageous patience.  -- Admiral Hyman Rickover",
"Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.",
"Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.",
"Good morning doctors.  I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95 from my hard drive.  -- Arthur C. Clarke on what he imagines HAL's first words might have been",
"Good morning, class.  My name is Adam Rifkin, and I'll be your instructor today, thanks to the California work release program.",
"Good morning.  For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X;  I am Dr. X's representative on earth.",
"Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.",
"Good news: the \"All-You-Can-Eat\" salad bar joint just decided to stay open 24 hours a day!  We can get a table by the window and live there for the rest of our lives - for only $5.95 apiece!  -- Dogbert",
"Good night, good night!  Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.  -- Juliet",
"Good programmers know what to write.  Great ones know what to rewrite (and reuse).  -- Eric S. Raymond, The Cathedral and the Bazaar",
"Good shot at 5 megabucks and a life of ease and fun, versus bad karma from the boss.  Tough decision.  NOT!  -- Robert Harley",
"Good solutions to very broad problems should not have simple, short, uniform answers like \"use our product X; it's perfect\".  The answer should seem simple because it reflects the structure of the problem, but the solution should also have broad structure with as much fractal nature as the problem, or otherwise there won't be a good fit everywhere.  -- David McCusker",
"Good students don't \"cheat\"--they verify.",
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.  -- Gail Godwin",
"Good thing we have a free press or we might have had to wait for a court to convict him.  -- Jim Mullen",
"Good things come to those who wait.  Crap arrives the fastest.  -- Rich Hall",
"Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite!  -- David Letterman",
"Goodbye, Oval Office.  Hello, home theater!  -- Top 5",
"Goodbye, says the dying man to the mirror they hold in front of him.  We won't be seeing each other any more.  -- Valery",
"Goodbye, uniforms; hello, Batman outfits!  -- David Letterman",
"Gordon has a friend who claims to be the only person ever ticketed for going 100mph.  Over the speed limit.  -- Ari Rapkin",
"Gordon's Restatement of Newman's Corollary to Godwin's Law:  Libertarianism (pro, con, and internal faction fights) is the primordial net.news discussion topic.  Any time the debate shifts somewhere else, it must eventually return to this fuel source.",
"Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.  -- Earl Wilson",
"Gossip, n.:  A prattlesnake.",
"Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro, 6.02 x 10^23",
"Got a bowling ball in my stomach.  Got a desert in my mouth.  -- Tori Amos",
"Got a devil's haircut in my mind.  -- Beck",
"Got a gun, 'fact I got two/ That's okay, man, 'cause I love frogs.  -- Eddie Vedder, Easter 1994",
"Got a machine head.  Better than the rest.  -- Bush",
"Got more tongue in cheek than a lesbo orgy!  -- Bloodhound Gang",
"Got to find a reason why the money's all gone.  -- Sublime",
"Goto, n.:  A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.  -- Ray Simard",
"Gotta learn to get that \"think speak\" thing in the right order.  -- John Dobbin",
"Government contractor, n.:  A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.",
"Government exists to protect us from each other.  We can't afford the type of government it would take to protect us from ourselves.  -- Ronald Reagan",
"Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.",
"Governments don't raise people.  Parents do.  -- William Bennett",
"Governments never learn.  Only people learn.  -- Milton Friedman",
"Grab a can of pork soda and you'll be feeling just fine; ain't nothing quite like sitting around the house, swilling down them cans of swine.  -- Primus",
"Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.",
"Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity.  -- William Hazlitt",
"Grad school for people who can't cope with drugs.",
"Grad school is the snooze button on the clock-radio of life.  -- John Rogers",
"Grad terminology:  ABCD - All But Comps and Dissertation.",
"Grad terminology:  ABCDE - All but Comps, dissertation and external (examiner).",
"Grad terminology:  ABCDEF - All but Comps, dissertation, external and face (oral exam).",
"Grad terminology:  ABD - All But Dissertation.",
"Graduate life:  It's not just a job, it's an indenture.",
"Grand Challenge, n.:  The task of programming a parallel computer.",
"Grandpa says they just don't make cars like they used to.  The other day he ran over the dog, and twice it survived.  -- Anna Chin-Williams",
"Grandpa's sucking carpet, and the vacuum stole my coat.  -- Rugburns",
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.",
"Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months.  -- Scott Adams",
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.  -- Albert Einstein",
"Gravity brings me down.",
"Gray hair is God's graffiti.  -- Bill Cosby",
"Gray is what black would be if it lightened up a little.",
"Great Dames for sale.",
"Great art is an instant arrested in eternity.  -- James Huneker, Pathos of Distance",
"Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.  -- Herodotus",
"Great ideas are completely worthless without action and commitments.  Just having great ideas is not enough.  Give your great ideas the effort and commitment they deserve.",
"Great is the power of steady misrepresentation; but the history of science shows that fortunately this power does not long endure.  -- Charles Darwin, On The Origin of Species",
"Great jumping mother of Jesus in a smoking birchbark canoe!",
"Great leaders are rare, so I'm following myself.",
"Great leadership requires ethics, courage, vision, and reality.",
"Great minds discuss ideas.  Average minds discuss events.  Small minds discuss people.  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.",
"Great minds have purposes; little minds have wishes.  Little minds are subdued by misfortunes; great minds rise above them.  -- Washington Irving",
"Great minds run in great circles.",
"Great minds think alike, and fools never differ.  -- James Patton's english teacher",
"Great minds travel in the same sewers.",
"Great passions don't exist; they are liars' fantasies.  what do exist are little loves that may last for a short or longer while.  -- Anna Magnani",
"Great presidents don't do great things.  Great presidents get a lot of other people to do great things.  -- POTUS",
"Great seas cannot extinguish love, no river can sweep it away.  -- from The Song of Songs (8:6-7)",
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.  -- Albert Einstein",
"Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"Great!  Friends.  It's the best thing.  <pause>  You realize of course that we could never BE friends.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Great!  Let it lie - that's my policy.  That's what I always say: Let it lie.  <pause> Wanna spend the night in a motel?  See what I did?  I didn't let it lie.  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Great... I'm hearing horses now. Perry would be so pleased.  -- The Fisher King",
"Greater Internet Ladies' Knitting Circle and Terrorist Society.  -- Leslie Devlin",
"Greatest debate of all time:  Elvis in the 50's or 70's for his U.S. postal stamp?",
"Greatest debate of all time:  Paper or plastic?",
"Greatest debate of all time:  Tastes great or less filling?",
"Greatness, in the last analysis, is largely bravery:  courage in escaping from old ideas and old standards and respectable ways of doing things.  -- James Harvey Robinson",
"Greed captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.  -- Wall Street",
"Greed will save our paper company, and that other malfunctioning company, the United States of America.  -- Wall Street",
"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.  Greed works.  -- Gordon Gekko, Wall Street",
"Greener's Law:  Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  DAF = Distinct Absence of Focus.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  DBR = Death by Reaming.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  DUNB = Don't Understand, Need Beer.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  FF = Frustration Factor.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  KMA = Contact my buttocks.",
"Greg and Brian acronym:  NMDB = Not My Darned Business.",
"Grelb's Commentary on Colvard's Logical Premises:  Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.",
"Grelb's Reminder:  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.",
"Grelling's Paradox: if a homological adjective is one that is true of itself (ie. \"polysyllabic\") and a heterological adjective is one which is NOT true of itself (ie. \"German\"), then what about \"heterological?\"  Is it heterological or not?",
"Gresham's Law:  Worse money drives out bad.",
"Grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe.  And reruns all become our history.  A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.  -- Goo Goo Dolls",
"Griffin's Thought:  When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.",
"Grink = grin + wink.  -- Kendall Bullen",
"Groening has managed to tap into the wellsprings of good, old-fashioned, no-political-agenda orneriness that fueled his earliest work.  -- Ken Tucker",
"Gross, man... You can't thwallow it.  -- James Cook",
"Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit's dead.  Is there something wrong?  -- David Bowie",
"Groundhogs grow in the ground, but they ain't vegetables.  -- John Dobbin",
"Grow your own dope.  Plant a man.",
"Growing OLD is mandatory.  Growing UP is optional.",
"Grub first, then ethics.  -- Bertolt Brecht",
"Gum would be perfection.  -- Friends",
"Gun Control means holding it in both hands.",
"Gun Control, n.:  Keeping muzzle pointed at target.",
"Gun control is punishing law-abiding citizens in their constitutional rights.  The difference between Poland and Afghanistan is the right to bear arms.  Had Germany the right to bear arms, there might have been no Holocaust.  -- Newt Gingrich",
"Guns don't kill people... I DO.  -- UHF",
"Guns don't kill people... PUMPKINS kill people.",
"Guns don't kill people... death does.",
"Guns don't kill people... television does.",
"Gurmlish, sniglet:  The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.",
"Guru, n.:  One who knows more jargon than you.",
"Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs. The waitress asks How would you like those eggs cooked? The guy says Hey, that would be great.",
"Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness.  If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.  -- Dave Barry",
"Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.  I wish I could.  It's like having a little pet for your face.  -- Anita Wise",
"Guys need to be asked three times to do something.  The first time, we don't even hear you; the second time, we don't think you mean it.  -- Dennis Miller",
"Guys sleep better on their sides because they have a kickstand.",
"Guys, what's the sitch?  I'm bored.  -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer",
"Gymkata!  -- MST3K",
"Gymming?  No, I'm missing a fifth of my big toe...  -- Rohit Khare",
"Gymnasts do it with grace.",
"H lp!  S m b d  st l   ll th  v w ls fr m th s s nt nc !",
"H.H. Goddard in the 1920s coined the word 'moron' to designate 'high grade' mental defects.  Delineating these people by slightly subaverage scores on primitive IQ tests, Goddard judged them to be more dangerous than obvious idiots because their gene pool might proliferate.  Goddard favored keeping 'morons' happily segregated in colonies where they could be prevented from breeding.  -- Jeffrey Klein, Mother Jones magazine, May/June 1998, page 3",
"H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.  There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.  -- Maxwell Bodenheim",
"HAGGIS!.....Tastes as good as it sounds!  -- Groundkeeper Willy, The Simpsons",
"HEBREW --- the **MANLY** beer!",
"HELLO?  The Web is not a reference source!  It's a cesspool of dubious information!  And for god's sake, Alta Vista is not a dictionary.  -- Catherine Buzzell",
"HELP WANTED.....Man to help assemble Radioactive Nuclear Atomic Fission Plant:...Must believe in God.",
"HELP!  I'M A GRAD STUDENT AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!",
"HODIE NATUS EST FRATER RADICI... Today the brother of the root was born.  -- Multics",
"HONK if you love obscene gestures.",
"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:  Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....  HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:  Show up naked.",
"HOW did YOU know HE WASN'T with ME!?  This is very emasculating...  -- Seinfeld",
"HP always puts DesCartes before DesHorses.",
"HTTP in its current form is in its first trimester of what *TP could be.  It's still legal for us to abort it.  -- Joe Kiniry",
"HTTP is the COBOL of transport protocols.  -- Joe Kiniry",
"HUGE coconut cake with tiers, and there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side...  -- When Harry Met Sally",
"Haagen-DOS:  The new Danish Operating System.",
"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.  -- Mark Twain",
"Hacker's Law:  The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.",
"Hackers do it all night.",
"Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.",
"Hackers do it with their fingers.",
"Hackers have kernel knowledge.",
"Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.",
"Hackito, ergo sum:  I compute, therefore I am.",
"Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.",
"Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been informed.",
"Had to sell my internal organs just to pay the rent.  -- Weird Al Yankovic",
"Haiku Hi Tech: The sand remembers, Once there was beach and sunshine, But chip is warm too.",
"Haiku is pointless.  Culturally obnoxious.  Complete waste of time.  -- Lloyd Wood",
"Haiku: Haiku's inventor, Must have had seven fingers, On his middle hand.  -- Brian Del Vecchio",
"Haiku: Twice five syllables, Plus seven can't say much but, That's Haiku for you.  -- David Neiman",
"Hail to the sun god, Ra! Ra! Ra!",
"Hailing frequencies open, Captain.",
"Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?  -- Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn",
"Hair is a privilege, not a right.  -- Principal Skinner",
"Hairy Navel adds Vodka.  Screwdriver keeps the Vodka, but loses the Schnapps.  I have to say that since I discovered Tropicana Twister's Orange-Peach juice, I've seen no need for a fuzzy navel.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Hakeem will become the most popular name for newborn babies.  -- David Letterman",
"Hakuna matata.  It's our problem-free philosophy.  -- The Lion King",
"Half duplex, n.:  Small apartment.",
"Half of all marriages end in divorce.  The rest end in death.  At least I got out alive!",
"Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.",
"Half of what he said meant something else, and the other half meant nothing at all.",
"Half our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.  -- J. Churton Collins",
"Half the failures of this world arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping.  -- Augustus Hare",
"Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what tomorrow will bring.  The other half is pretending you don't care.",
"Half the lies they tell me aren't true.  -- Yogi Berra",
"Half these people haven't got a clue; they're stealing clothes and saying, Rodney who?  -- Rugburns",
"Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled in Arkansas this year.  Seems the witch left and took the turkey with her.",
"Halting problem, n.:  See halting problem",
"Hamburgers are a medium rarely well-done.  -- Boston Common",
"Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.",
"Hand in glove, the sun shines out of our behinds.  No, it's not like any other love.  This one is different because it's us.  -- Stephen Patrick Morrissey",
"Hand me that piano, and then fold up the cow.  -- overheard when moving",
"Hand me the Constitution and pair of sissors!  -- Troy Tripp impersonating Noot Gingrinch",
"Handball players have little solid rubber balls.",
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was rather large.",
"Handshaking, n.:  State of the user after he discovers rm all",
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns...  He should be drawn and quoted!",
"Hanging out with people more pathetic than you are interferes with your ability to have self-pity.  -- Rohit Khare",
"Hangover, n.:  The wrath of grapes.",
"Hanlon's Razor:  Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.",
"Happily Married Couple, n.:  Husband out with another man's wife.",
"Happiness can't buy money.",
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.  -- Ernest Hemingway, The Garden of Eden",
"Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.",
"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.  -- Mildred Barthel",
"Happiness is a warm gun.  Bang bang, shoot shoot.  -- John Lennon",
"Happiness is a warm modem.",
"Happiness is a warm puppy and a high-speed blender.",
"Happiness is a warm puppy, thought the anaconda.",
"Happiness is an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality.",
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory.  -- Ingrid Bergman",
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.  -- George Burns",
"Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.  -- Ogden Nash",
"Happiness is hearing your little granddaughter say, \"If I ever have any little girls, I'm going to name them Grandma.\"",
"Happiness is itself a kind of gratitude.  -- Joseph Wood Krutch",
"Happiness is merely the remission of pain.",
"Happiness is not a destination.  It's the trip.",
"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.  -- Margaret Lee Runbeck",
"Happiness is not doing what you like, it's liking what you do.",
"Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember.  -- Oscar Lavant",
"Happiness is the longing for repetition.  -- Milan Kundera",
"Happiness isn't something you experience.  It's something you remember.  -- Oscar Levant",
"Happiness, n.:  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Happy Hanukkah!  You guys get 8 days but we only get one, it's not fair!  -- Robert Harley",
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.  -- Leo Tolstoy",
"Happy happy, joy joy, happy happy joy joy!  -- Ren & Stimpy",
"Happy the people whose annals are blank in history-books.  -- Thomas Carlyle",
"Happy:  I'm stupid, you're smart.  I was wrong, you were right.  You're the best, I'm the worst.  You're very good looking, I'm not very attractive.  Chubbs:  All right.  As long as you're willing to admit that now.  -- Happy Gilmore",
"Hard core, man.  Hard core.  -- Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket",
"Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.",
"Hard work may not kill me, but why take the chance?",
"Hardware works best when it matters the least.",
"Hardware, n.:  Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards left after repairman has reassembled cpu.",
"Hardware, n.:  The part of a computer system that can be kicked.",
"Hardware, n.:  e.g., helmet, gauntlets, mace, etc.",
"Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, advertising wondrous things.  -- Tom Lehrer",
"Harlez-vous francais?  Can you drive a French motorcycle?",
"Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:  Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.",
"Harrison's Postulate:  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.",
"Hartley's First Law:  You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.",
"Hartley's Second Law:  Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.",
"Harvard's Law:  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.",
"Has a dog Buddha-nature?  This is the most serious question of all.  If you say yes or no, you lose your own Buddha-nature.  -- Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach",
"Has anyone ever finished a triple mocha capuccino?",
"Has love truly ruined you?  -- Ernest Prabhakar",
"Has she ever forgiven you?  Her eyes say, \"Maybe,\" but the lighter fluid in your hair and the match in her hand say, \"Not really.\"  -- Top 5",
"Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.  -- David Letterman",
"Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.",
"Hasta la bagel.  Buenos nachos.  Sianara.",
"Hasta la vista, bay bee.  -- Terminator 2",
"Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya.  -- Mission Impossible",
"Hate can't end hate.  Only love can do that.  -- MLK",
"Hate the wrong, not the wrong-doer; otherwise God will hate you.",
"Hates job.  Hates spouse.  Hates life.  Loves Cheetos.  -- David Letterman",
"Hath not a Jew eyes?  -- The Merchant of Venice",
"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.  Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.  Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.  -- Martin Luther King Jr.",
"Hatred, n.:  A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.  -- Ambrose Bierce",
"Have I ever had a relationship?  A couple.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Have I responded to this stuff before?  I'm getting Deja View.  -- John Dobbin",
"Have _you_ looked at the NCSA httpd code?  It was so bad by last March that even _I_ didn't understand a lot of it anymore, and I wrote all of it.  -- Rob McCool",
"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.  -- Charles Dickens",
"Have a little fire, Scarecrow!  -- Wizard of Oz",
"Have a nagilah, have two nagilah, have three nagilah... they're pretty small.  -- Laugh-in",
"Have a relatively non-threatening day.",
"Have a seat while I take to the sky.  -- Tori Amos",
"Have a tude, weinerdude.  -- Reality Bites",
"Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.  -- Rita Rudner",
"Have cursor, will curse.",
"Have fun storming the castle!  -- Miracle Max",
"Have him watch Springer.  Remind himself that these idiots are lusted after.  Works for me...  -- John Dobbin",
"Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.  -- St. Francis de Sales",
"Have respect for the instrument. There may be days in your lives where that will be the only thing you can control.  -- Busoni",
"Have the King exhumed, breaded, deep-fried, and reburied.  -- Top 5",
"Have two reasons for doing anything... a good reason and the real reason.",
"Have you been watching the Bobbitt trial on Court TV?  So far, it's been pretty dull.  -- John Dobbin",
"Have you considered business school?  -- Mani Chandy",
"Have you ever TRIED to take candy from a baby?",
"Have you ever been seduced by a good... stiff... martini?  -- Robin Quivers",
"Have you ever danced with the devil in the shadow of the pale moonlight?  -- Batman",
"Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?  -- Judy Tenuda",
"Have you ever dialed up your boss, just by rubbing certain teeth with your tongue?  Or ordered 40,000 tons of wet cement, simply by dragging a pencil across a puddle of spit on a napkin?  You Will!  -- Jeff Burchell",
"Have you ever fallen asleep in one class and awoke in another?  That's the way I felt all term.",
"Have you ever gotten tired of hearing those ridiculous AT&T commercials claiming credit for things that don't even exist yet?  You will.  -- Emmanuel Goldstein, publisher of _2600:_The_Hacker_Quarterly_, 1995",
"Have you ever heard of a self-made failure?",
"Have you ever met a sung hero or experienced requited love?",
"Have you ever noticed how Evian is naive spelled backwards?",
"Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, \"There's a time for work and a time for play,\" never find the time for play?",
"Have you ever noticed that when you leave a piece of clothing in your closet a really, really long time it shrinks two sizes?",
"Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.  -- George Carlin",
"Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable?",
"Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?",
"Have you ever smelled moth balls?",
"Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?",
"Have you ever watched a really disgusting scene in a horror flick, and not been able to avert your eyes because you are curiously attracted to watch the awful things that transpire?  -- Adam Rifkin",
"Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?",
"Have you ever wondered why computers have air conditioned rooms and we don't?  They should be out in the heat and we should be comfortable!  -- Ari Rapkin's uvacs quotes",
"Have you ever wondered why the same people who keep their thermostats on 80 in the winter so they will be warm keep their air conditioning on 70 during the summer to be cool?",
"Have you ever worn a fax machine on your head?  You will.",
"Have you heard about corduroy pillows?  They're really making headlines!  -- Bloom County",
"Have you heard about the armed rat that broke into a cheese store?  He wanted to shoot the bries.",
"Have you lost your (state of) mind?  Mirth, antipathy, jocularity, enmity, fickle, rancor, cynicism, capricious, obdurate, perfidious, illusory, dubious, and of course... bitter.  -- Megan Coughlin",
"Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?  -- Dr. Who",
"Have you seen Quasimodo?  I have a hunch he's back...",
"Have you seen how he romances my towel warmer?  -- Frasier",
"Have you seen the play \"A Street Named Boxcar\"?  -- Thanh Boyer",
"Have you taught FFT before?  I have a terrific set of power point slides that you can modify.  -- Mani Chandy",
"Have your pizza \"shaken, not stirred.\"",
"Haven't felt younger since I woke up on my birthday in existential angst because I was 28 and could no longer view myself as being in my mid-20s.  Minutes later I realized that on that day I had turned 27, not 28, and order was restored to the world.  -- Keith Dawson",
"Haven't we been here before?  Footsteps lead down to the note on the door that says I can't stay here anymore.  -- John Dobbin",
"Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on \"Mayberry R.F.D.\"  -- John Kammer",
"Having a Degree in Communications is like having a Pink Belt in karate.",
"Having a baby is one of the hardest and most strenuous things known to man.  -- Anna Raeburn",
"Having a plunger permanently stuck to your head is one thing, but I bet what really makes you feel dumb is throwing a hat on and realizing you'll never be able to reach it again.  -- Dave James",
"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a urinating section in a swimming pool.",
"Having a wonderful time.  Wish you were her.",
"Having an affair helps break up the monogamy.",
"Having been brought up in a serf-owner's family, I entered active life, like all young men of my time, with a great deal of confidence in the necessity of commanding, ordering, scolding, punishing and the like.  But when, at an early stage, I had to manage serious enterprises and to deal with [free] men, and when each mistake would lead at once to heavy consequences, I began to appreciate the difference between acting on the principle of command and discipline and acting on the principle of common understanding.  The former works admirably in a military parade, but it is worth nothing where real life is concerned, and the aim can be achieved only through the severe effort of many converging wills.  -- 19th-century Russian anarchist Kropotkin, Memoirs of a Revolutionist",
"Having just returned from 7 months in Japan and Korea, it seems to me today that the main purpose of life is: 1) to have a job in whose ultimate purpose you can believe; 2) to have friends whose immediate purposes you can trust; 3) to have some spot on the earth to which you can return as home; 4) to be at same time a citizen of some larger world.  -- James A. Michener, 4/20/52",
"Having thought about the fiery punishments awaiting the wicked after death, I've completely lost my will to die.  -- Peter DeRosa",
"Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.",
"Hawaiian Airlines is reportedly considering filing for bankruptcy.  This could mean massive lei-offs.",
"He agreed with the sign, \"Fine for parking.\"",
"He asked me!  He asked me!  -- Monty Python",
"He believed in the primacy of doubt, not as a blemish upon our ability to know, but as the essence of knowing.  -- James Gliek in The Life and Science of Richard Feynman",
"He better not be good looking!  -- Jerry Maguire",
"He built a bed ten feet by twenty feet.  It was a lot of bunk.",
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I ever met.  -- Abraham Lincoln",
"He can't even run his own life; I'll be damned if he'll run mine.",
"He can't spell either, it's an epidural.  -- John Dobbin",
"He cannot be alone.  -- Jerry Maguire",
"He comes from a light blue collar family.  -- Slacker",
"He decided to write messages on people's whiteboards quoting the famous Rohit Khare negotiation method.  -- Rohit Khare",
"He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.  -- Koran",
"He did ask if I had another job and I said no, so I would assume this would preclude them making another offer. How do you compete with nothing?  -- John Dobbin",
"He didn't have a mission, he didn't even have a business.  His only purpose in life was to be ...  amused.",
"He does the work of 3 Men.  Moe, Larry, and Curly.",
"He doesn't care about maintaining a strategic advantage; he wants to attack, to bring death to the infidels.  We're talking rivers of blood here.  We're talking martyrs.  -- Robert X. Cringely",
"He doesn't disrespect buddhism.  He just uses it as a label.  -- Buddhism",
"He doesn't like the way I spell the word grammar, and I think he finds my consistent use of the active voice to be irritating.  -- Adam Rifkin",
"He don't know me very well, do he?  -- Bugs Bunny",
"He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding.  -- Michel Marriott",
"He filled out an organ donor card.  It seems they took his brain early.",
"He flexed his muscles to keep his flock of sheep in line; he made a virus that would kill off all the swine.  -- Nine Inch Nails",
"He found his aroma lacked a certain appeal.  He could clear the Savannah after every meal.  -- The Lion King",
"He frequently only opens his mouth to lace his shoes.  -- MLS Commissioner Doug Logan responding to some disparaging comments about league management made by DC United coach Bruce Arena.",
"He got a daddy named Forrest too?  -- Forrest Gump",
"He got me involved in some kind of fruit company.  -- Forrest Gump",
"He grabbed the snake and bit the head off.  He skinned it and used the skin as a tourniquet to keep the venom from spreading.",
"He had a coprophagic smile.  -- Martin Amis",
"He had an empathic relationship with her.  -- John Thornley",
"He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put in vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers.  -- Jonathan Swift",
"He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it.  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby",
"He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.",
"He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful.  -- Sydney Smith",
"He had that rare weird electricity about him... that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving 'normally.'  -- Hunter S. Thompson",
"He had untold wealth.  It wasn't reported to the IRS.",
"He hadn't a single redeeming vice.  -- Oscar Wilde",
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.  -- Orson Welles",
"He has a mind like a steel sieve.",
"He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.",
"He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.  -- Horace",
"He has low enough morals that he wil undoubtedly be able to buy us out in ten years.  -- Rohit Khare",
"He has more talent in his little finger than he has in his big finger.",
"He has read everything, and, to his credit, written nothing.",
"He has the Midas touch.  Everything he touches turns into a muffler.",
"He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.",
"He hated the concept of chocolate chocolate-chip ice cream...  He found it redundant.  -- VR5",
"He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.",
"He is a master of time suckage.  -- Reality Bites",
"He is happiest who has the power to gather wisdom from a flower.  -- Mary Howitt",
"He is mad, bad, and dangerous to know.  -- Lady Caroline Lamb",
"He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.",
"He is not much of an ogre.  He just lives on grass and roots and acorns and wouldn't hurt a fly.  -- T.H. White",
"He is not only dull himself, but the cause of dullness in others.  -- Samuel Johnson",
"He is now a heretic with a travel budget.  And we intend to take care of at least one of those.  -- Rohit Khare",
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty.  -- Mark Twain",
"He is one weird mamma jamma.  -- MST3K",
"He is so greas-y.  He's a prehistoric pyromaniac.  We gotta teach him to wease.  We're going psycho with him.  -- Encino Man",
"He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.",
"He is the best sailor who can steer within fewest points of the wind, and exact a motive power out of the greatest obstacles.  -- Henry David Thoreau",
"He is the man who invented the cure for which there was no disease.  Then his wife caught the cure and died.",
"He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.",
"He is wise who is warned by the misfortunes of others.  -- Aesop",
"He just jellied up the sidewalk.  Waring Hudsucker is abstract art on Madison Avenue.  -- Hudsucker Proxy",
"He kept his motor running, but he never kept it clean.  -- Skid Row",
"He knew a lot about railroads, but it had taken a lot of training.",
"He knows not his own strength that hath not met adversity.  -- Ben Jonson",
"He lived his life to the very end.",
"He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.",
"He looked exactly the same when he was alive, only he was vertical.  -- Trouble with Harry",
"He looks at the world through coma-induced eyes.  -- Howard Stern",
"He looks like you and he's working from the inside!  -- Seinfeld",
"He loves me, we have great sex, and he fixes my car.  -- Amy Fisher",
"He made one crucial mistake.  He looked bad on TV.  -- Dennis Miller",
"He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting.  Someone help him up or he's gonna end up quitting.  -- Green Day",
"He may look like nothing more than a big barbarian, but deep down, he's a big barbarian with a caffeine addiction.  -- Andy Simmons",
"He only possesses one thing -- the gift of flight.  And you have taken that away from him.",
"He ordered life boats away, that's when I heard the Chaplain say, \"Women and children and Chaplains first.\"  -- Harry Chapin",
"He owns ten gasoline stations and not one had a roof.  No overhead.",
"He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.  -- J.M. Brown, drama critic",
"He plays the game to find the answer, the sacred geometry of chance.  -- Sting",
"He pledged to be faithful to the cow from his prison cell.  -- Kevin and Bean",
"He pushed me off a building, just when I was beginning to feel good about myself.  -- Catwoman",
"He recycled this gift.  He's a regifter.  -- Seinfeld",
"He said I don't know what it's like to be a black person?  I'm MISTER Black People!  -- Jerry Maguire",
"He said, \"I wish my wish would not be granted\", and the Genie took THAT to be his wish.  -- Douglas Hofstadter",
"He shaves his legs, and so I asked him if he was bi; he grabbed me by the throat and said prepare to die.  -- Rugburns",
"He smelled of pork.  Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it.  -- Top 5",
"He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love.  -- Top 5",
"He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.  -- J.R.R. Tolkein",
"He that bulls the cow must keep the calf.",
"He that can have patience can have what he will.  -- Ben Franklin",
"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.  -- Ben Franklin",
"He that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.",
"He that is of a merry hear hath a continual feast.  -- Proverbs 15:15",
"He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.  -- Ben Franklin",
"He that never compares his notions with those of others, readily acquiesces in his first thoughts, and very seldom discovers the objections which may be raised against his opinions; he, therefore, often thinks himself in possession of truth, when he is only fondling an error long since exploded.  -- Samuel Johnson, The Adventurer",
"He that respects himself if safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.  -- Henry Wordsworth Longfellow",
"He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils, for time is the greatest innovator.  -- Francis Bacon, Essays",
"He thinks a night club is a stick you keep by the bed to fight off intruders.",
"He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.",
"He thinks scruples are a Russian currency and morals are wall paintings.  -- Sabrina",
"He thinks too much.  Such men are dangerous.  -- Shakespeare, Julius Caesar",
"He thought Good Friday was a holiday for the guy who worked with Robinson Crusoe.",
"He thought a fjord was a Norwegian automobile.",
"He thought all women were biased.  \"Buy us this.\" and \"Buy us that.\"",
"He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.",
"He travels the fastest who travels alone.  -- Rudyard Kipling",
"He tried to kill me with a forklift...  -- Fugitive Alien I",
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts... for support rather than illumination.  -- Andrew Lang",
"He uses telnet like a pro... and he drinks Johnny Walker Red.  -- Ed Briggs",
"He wanted a pet, so he asked for an octopus, thinking it would be an eight-sided cat.",
"He wants Amy for his wife?  Well, his wife can't have her!  -- Blackadder III",
"He wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth, cause he knows there's no such thing.  -- They Might Be Giants",
"He wants her to work with Jane Campion?  Why?  Sure we might get to see her naked, but is it really worth it?  -- John Dobbin",
"He was a little dog named Snuckles.  -- Casey Kasem, as used by Negativland",
"He was a small claims court jester.  -- Steven Wright",
"He was a typical American worker... what's in it for me was written all over the guy's face.  -- Ishmael Reed, _Yellow Back Radio Broke-Down_",
"He was a wine taster without a tongue.  -- Richard Jeni",
"He was as happy as a dog with two peni.",
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.  -- Jack Bross",
"He was busier than one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.",
"He was going to sell his armor for twenty nine cents an ounce, it was first class mail.",
"He was going to start a bakery if he could raise the dough.",
"He was in a bar; therefore we can rule him out due to guilt by geographic association.  -- The Opposite Sex",
"He was kicked out of the army, he took a furlong, went too fur, and stayed too long.",
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...",
"He was so short that he could sit on a dime and swing his legs.",
"He was using pins to create microholes in the top of the beer bottle.  -- James Cook",
"He who always goes against the fashion is himself its slave.  -- La Rochefoucald",
"He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.",
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes.  He who does not is a fool forever.",
"He who binds himself to a joy, does the winged life destroy; but he who kisses the joy as it flies, lives in eternity's sunrise.  -- William Blake",
"He who cachinnates ultimately, cachinnates optimally.",
"He who desires but acts not breeds pestilence.  -- William Blake",
"He who despairs of the human condition is a coward; he who has hope for it is a fool.  -- Albert Camus",
"He who dies with the most access, wins.",
"He who dies with the most toys... is still DEAD...",
"He who does not enjoy his own company is usually right.  -- Coco Chanel",
"He who forgets will be destined to remember.  -- Pearl Jam",
"He who had had 'had had' had had the correct ans