From @VM.USC.EDU:APO-L@PURCCVM.BITNET Wed Mar 17 06:59:48 1993 The 20 things that never happen on Star Trek 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encount ered several times before. 2.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists who are perfectly alright. 3.Some of the crew visit the holodeck and it works perfectly. 4.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform which turns out t o be a rather well known lifeform wearing a hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise are stuck by a mysterious plague for which the cu re can only be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick bay. 6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people w hich is made a great deal easier by the Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another w ithout serious incident. 8.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enter prise computer, only to find he has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power serge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed by the highl y trained and competent engineering staff. 10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence and does not get put on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which th ey easily pacify by offering some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits a class M planet called Paradise where everyone is ha ppy at the time. However everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it see ms. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunatly , some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfact ion. 14. The Enterprise is involved with a twentieth century time warp experiment w hich is in some way unconnected with the late twentieth century. 15. Kirk or Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and isn't t ragically torn from her in the end. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out w ithout any intervention from Boy Genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a smarmy chit and consequently has to make some friends his own age for a change. 19.Spock/DAta gets fired from his high ranking posotion for not being able to u nterstand the nuances of about one in three of the sentences that are said. 20.Most things. From: rxs34@po.CWRU.Edu (Rohit Santhanam) Subject: STTNG Enterprise Joke Date: 4 Feb 93 14:15:22 GMT Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty ___________________________________________________________________ 21: Impuse engines stall when used in reverse. 20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88". 19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book. 17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering. 14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward. 13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS. 12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb. 11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. 8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer. 7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 5: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it". 3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program. 2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains. 1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn. Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1993 16:03:17 -0700 From: BITNET list server at PCCVM To: tomis_bi@CATSEQ.CATLIN.EDU Subject: File: "DRINK PARODY" Ladies and Gentleman, Electro Productions is proud to present: THE STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION DRINKING GAME Started December 10, 1988 VERSION 3.00 - RELEASED 12/19/89 1) Sip on holodeck scenes 2) Sip on saucer separations 3) Sip when Troi "senses" something, chug when she asks if someone is 'troubled' when the look on their face makes it obvious they are 4) Sip when someone beats on Worf or Geordi 5) Sip when Yar appears in an episode 6) Sip when Data says "Intriguing!" 7) Sip when the doctor calls Picard "Jean-Luc" 8) Drink a fifth when Wesley saves the ship 9) Sip when Wesley's life is threatened, drown your sorrows when he survives 10) Sip when the Big E fires its weapons 11) Sip when aliens invade the Big E 12) Sip when Starfleet personnel visit the big E; chug if they're admirals 13) Sip when yellowshirts die 14) Chug when the doctor says "He's dead " 15) Chug when Picard/Riker gets the girl 16) Sip on "Engage" from anyone, chug if Picard gestures with his hand 17) Chug on engine room climaxes 18) Chug when the old Big E or its crew are mentioned 19) Chug when a plot complication resolves itself without the crew's interference 20) Sip when bartenders act like counselors/psychiatrists 21) Chug when the auto-destruct is activated 22) Chug when the Big E is hurled into a void or another dimension 23) Sip when Bev defies the Prime Directive in the name of medicine 24) Sip when Data assumes a persona, e.g. Sherlock.Holmes 25) Sip when Data's head jerks 26) Sip when Data spouts all the adjectives of a word 27) Sip when Picard tells orders someone to "Make it so!" 28) Sip when Picard mentions surrender, chug if he does 29) Chug when ST:TOS or STI,II,III,IV,V plots and plot devices are used 30) Sip when Bev "worries" about Wes 31) Sip if Ensign Buxom gets a line 32) Get blasted when Wesley gets a girlfriend (these scenes are sooo bad that this is the only way to tolerate them) 33) Sip when Data is cut off from a long description of something 34) Sip when Riker expresses concern about Picard beaming down 35) Chug when someone hits on Troi 36) Sip when the glass table shatters NOTE: When an item involved an extended scene (e.g. a Holodeck scene or Data acting like Holmes), sip or chug at the start of the scene and again at any returns to that scene later in the episode From: Nicholas Nazarko nnazarko@mtu.edu > THE TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE WATCHED TOO MUCH STAR TREK: > > 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green > Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. > 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble. > 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the > Enterprise. > 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon > and torture you for information. > 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and > crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. > 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers > of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. > 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't > that the one with Luke Skywalker?" > 3) You have no life. > 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list. > 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you > calculated for the planet Vulcan. > > TOP TEN BUMPER STICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE > > 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" > 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it" > 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" > 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" > 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" > 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." > 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" > 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" > 2. "We brake for cubes!" > 1. "Wesley On Board!" > > TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD > > > 20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk > 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares > 18. Hood ornament for Shuttle craft > 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet > 16. Scare blind students in Braille class > 15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews > 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum > 13. Footstool for Captain's chair > 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show > 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores > 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift > 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank > 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in > research > 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards > 6. Two words: tether ball > 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking > 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet > 3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class > 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time > 1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life > insurance policy Credit as far as I know goes to: > ************************************************************************* > * * > * Kenneth Pruett Southern College of Technology * > * kpruett@st6000.sct.edu Marietta, Georgia * > * * > * Beauty is hereditary --- Your mother is ugly! * > * C code. C code run. Run, code, run! * > * * > ************************************************************************ > THE TOP TEN FAVORITE ACTIVITIES OF CAPT. JEAN-LUC PICARD > > 10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on > the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" > 9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a > shuttle craft > 8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge > 7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his > forehead > 6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other > life-forms > 5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick > Hertz is there > 4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a > REAL Picard Maneuver" > 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the > Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" > 2. Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make > it so" > 1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away > team beams back up > > TOP NINE FUN THINGS TO DO ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE: > > 9. Skeet shooting the shuttle craft > 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data > 7. Giving Worf A nuggie > 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just > to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) > 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals > 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during > self destruct sequence > 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression > 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard > Prince Albert In A Can > 1. Tribble sex! From: loong@acfcluster.nyu.edu Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.tech Subject: Action figures-ST vs. SW SW vs. ST action figures Why Star Trek: The Next Generation Action Figures would beat up Star Wars Action figures in a fight: *ST:TNG figures are INDIVIDUALLY NUMBERED for collectors, while SW figures merely have holes in their feet. *SW figures were made by Kenner, previously known only for Play-Doh, while ST:TNG figures are made by Playmates, known far and wide for their work in _Playboy_ centerfolds. *ST:TNG figures are BIGGER than their SW counterparts, and could win easily in a fistfight. *ST:TNG figures are made from an advanced polymer, while SW figures are just made from plastic (specifically, the recycled vinyl upholstery from 1979 Ford Granadas). *SW figures cannot bend at the wrists, elbows, waist, or knees, causing them to fall down during hand-to-hand combat. *Star Trek figures have phasers that are ALWAYS firing on wide beam, while Star Wars figures have blasters that are NEVER firing (and Star Wars lightsabers are just dull plastic toothpicks) *The Force is present in all living things, plus rocks. It is NOT present in vinyl. Therefore, Star Wars action figures could not use The Force on Star Trek action figures. That is why Star Trek figures would beat up Star Wars Action figures. P.S. The only Star Destroyer toy is a die-cast minature, which is smaller than the USS Enterprise toy by Playmates. Plus, the NCC-1701D has electronic sound effects, while the Star Destroyer only has a small red plastic "Blockade Runner" that fits in the hangar. By comparison, the Millenium Falcon by Kenner only makes a rattling noise when you move the guns, and Han Solo is a dummy because he thinks that a "parsec" is a unit of time, when it is actually a measure of plastic. And anyone who thinks that a farmboy could jump from a rockhopper to the cockpit of a fighter-bomber is as big of a dummy as someone who thinks that Counsellor Troi could beat Data at 3-D Chess (put out by the Franklin Mint). *** From: E (eire@ella.mills.edu) Subject: another star trek joke-- Forwarded from a friend at MicroSoft: (Forwards boldly gone where no one has gone before) ---------- Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. 97. One Word: Hair. 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population. 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans. 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 74. One Word: Velour. 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise. 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 69. One Word: Iman. 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck. 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 59. Kirk is not politically correct. 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead. 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? 54. One Word: Miniskirts. 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts. 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF." 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 44. Picard never met Joan Collins. 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. 40. Two Words: Line Delivery. 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school. 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 31. One Word: Fisticuffs. 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 20.Two Words: Crane Shots. 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it. 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice. 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him"four eyes." 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. 10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave. 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign. 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed. 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. 1. One Word: Balls. *** The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we entered an ion storm. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a god, and married an Indian woman. Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain. Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman. Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain found an overloading phaser in his quarters. Y1. Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood- sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay, all on a Klingon triple black alert. Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they wouldn't believe you. Others: Nope. No they wouldn't. *** Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. 97. One Word: Hair. 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population. 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans. 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 74. One Word: Velour. 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise. 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 69. One Word: Iman. 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck. 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 59. Kirk is not politically correct. 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead. 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? 54. One Word: Miniskirts. 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts. 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. From danielm@scp.caltech.edu Thu Jul 7 14:44:36 1994 To: vortex@scp.caltech.edu, adam at xent dot com Subject: [Wesley Alan Wright: The Evil Empire ...] I received the following, and thought that other people might be amused by it. -Daniel ------- Forwarded Message Hint below. Recursions of the Evil Empire of Windows.--ps - ------------------------------------------------------ Date: Sun, 3 Jul 1994 10:46:42 +0600 Originator: lawprof@chicagokent.kentlaw.edu >From: "Edward P. Richards III" <0002766610@mcimail.com> Subject: Fwd: Windows: The Next Generation - ----------------- Forwarded Message For those of you who know both the joys of Windows and the characters of TNG..... Regards John Dale Law Courseware Consortium, UK ========Begin paste======== "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed." "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." "Wait, Captain; I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" "Data, what does your scanners show?" "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality." . . . Two Hours Pass . . . "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?" "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. "How much time will that buy us ?" "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." "Identify." "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" "Lawyers !!" "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." "True, but appearently some must have survived." "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal." "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." ======End paste====== +-------- Ed Richards - LAWPROF List Manager UMKC Law School (816)235-2370 FAX (816)373-7070 Internet erichards@vax1.umkc.edu : 276-6610@MCIMail.com +-------- ------- End of Forwarded Message From dobbin@tma.com Wed Jul 20 13:43:59 1994 Subject: from filippo To: adam at xent dot com (Adam Rifkin [WM BJ]) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] ----- Begin Included Message ----- >------------------------------------------------------------------------- >"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. > "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at >finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access >their command pathways?" > "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through >our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." > > "What the hell is `Microsoft'?" > "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, >for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once >inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at >an unstoppable rate." > "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their >processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" > "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new >version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases >exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt >quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken >over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." > "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable >geometric shape' idea." >. . . 15 Minutes Later . . . > "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's >command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available >resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected >`upgrade'." > "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU >capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for >their increase." > "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is >something we have missed." > "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. >Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending >in their registration cards." > "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin >emergency escape sequence 3F ...." > "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped >to 0% !" > "Data, what does your scanners show?" > "Appearently the Borg have found the internal >`Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU >capacity." > "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their >functionality." >. . . Two Hours Pass . . . > "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" > "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate >for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully >increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to >transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft >Fun-pack'. > "How much time will that buy us?" > "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time >span of 6 more hours." > "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." > "Identify." > "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' >logo..." > "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP >_MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS >SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 >SECONDS TO COMPLY." > "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released >thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." > "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" > "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward >the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the >tortures of deep space?!" > "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer >I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by >twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani >suits." > "Lawyers!!" > "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling >into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." > "True, but appearently some must have survived." > "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all >types of papers." > "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It >often proves fatal." > "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" > "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg >doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!" >-- >Jochen Wiedmann E-Mail: wiedmann@mailserv.zdv.uni-tuebingen.de ----- End Included Message ----- From adam Fri Jan 27 19:37:40 1995 Subject: Trekking. Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher 10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit. 9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons. 8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit." 7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment. 6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide. 5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons. 4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him. 3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining. 2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few. 1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him. The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy 10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations 9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies 8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial 7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits 6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time 5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die 4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon 3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders 2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure 1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise 10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain 9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being 8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate 7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer 6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him 5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices 4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults 3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth 2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!" 1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing" The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors 10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly" 9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation 8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner 7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System 6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator 5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section 4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs 3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign 2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T" 1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise TOP TEN WAYS TO SHUT UP NON TREK GIRLFRIEND WITHOUT KILLING HER 10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!" 9. Vulcan Neck Pinch 8. Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell her to "Shut Up!" (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode") 7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with it. 6. Use transporter to split her into two seperate personalities. Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend. (See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode) 5. Tell her your watching the episode where Picard gets naked. 4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver 3. Try, "Computer - End Program" 2. Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she is interfering with a lesser developed civilization. 1. Borg her. The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble. 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise. 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information. 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?" 3) You have no life. 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list. 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan. TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!" Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: "Blonde Borgs have the same fun." TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD 20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet 16. Scare blind students in Braille class 15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum 13. Footstool for Captain's chair 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards 6. Two words: tether ball 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time and the number one use for Data's detatched head... 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE: 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium. 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer 5. Have figured out the stardate system 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory" 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint 14. Understanding Klingon 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers **20 Things that never happen in Star Trek** 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver" 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so" 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up TOP TEN QUESTIONS NOT TO POST ON STREK-L (10) What does NCC stand for? (9) How come Chekov could recognize Khan in Star Trek II? (8) GET A LIFE!!! (7) Have you seen how fat ? (1) subscribe strek-l. Can you guys help me get logged on? _____..---======+*+=======---.._____ ___________________ __,-='=====____ ============== _____=====`= (.__________________I__) - _-=_/ `------=+=-------' / /__...---==='---+---_' Gabriel Caffrey '----'---.___ - _ = _.-' trekman@netcom.com `-------' "Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise." >From mtroth@bpa.arizona.edu Thu Jan 26 10:15:59 1995 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Subject: fwd humor Date: Wed, 25 Jan 1995 19:25:49 -0800 From: James Rodden To: alley@cats.ucsc.edu, kimo@cats.ucsc.edu, mtroth@bpa.arizona.edu Subject: fwd humor >From mcate@cats.ucsc.edu Wed Jan 25 11:34:43 1995 Return-Path: mcate@cats.ucsc.edu Received: from cats.ucsc.edu (root@cats-po-1.UCSC.EDU [128.114.129.22]) by vault.cse.ucsc.edu (8.6.9/8.6.9) with ESMTP id LAA22262 for ; Wed, 25 Jan 1995 11:34:42 -0800 From: mcate@cats.ucsc.edu Received: from am.UCSC.EDU by cats.ucsc.edu with SMTP id LAA06544; Wed, 25 Jan 1995 11:34:39 -0800 Received: by am.UCSC.EDU (8.6.9/4.7) id LAA04703; Wed, 25 Jan 1995 11:34:38 -0800 Message-Id: <199501251934.LAA04703@am.UCSC.EDU> Subject: 10 best ways to kill Wesley Crusher (fwd) To: rodden@cats.ucsc.edu (James Francis Rodden) Date: Wed, 25 Jan 1995 11:34:34 -0800 (PST) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23] MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Length: 2812 Status: R Forwarded message: >From pearljam@cats.ucsc.edu Thu Jan 12 21:10:19 1995 Date: Thu, 12 Jan 1995 21:10:19 -0800 (PST) From: Shannon Elizabeth Wasley Subject: 10 best ways to kill Wesley Crusher (fwd) To: mcate@cats.ucsc.edu Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 11 Jan 1995 22:13:12 -0800 (PST) From: Matthew Jonathan Wheeland To: UCSC , bsa@cats.ucsc.edu, enewcomb@cats.ucsc.edu, fozzy@cats.ucsc.edu, jes@cats.ucsc.edu, jmborres@cats.ucsc.edu, jpjensky@cats.ucsc.edu, laurenh@cats.ucsc.edu, pearljam@cats.ucsc.edu, puh@cats.ucsc.edu, reb@cats.ucsc.edu Subject: 10 best ways to kill Wesley Crusher (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit. 9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons. 8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit." 7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment. 6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and commits suicide. 5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons. 4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him. 3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining. 2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few. 1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him. From kendall@his.com Thu Jan 25 13:43:09 1996 X-Sender: kendall@mail.his.com X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: adam at xent dot com (Adam Rifkin), erimystax@aol.com, gwydion@infi.net, peter@his.com (Peter Samulevich), vineyard@usita.gov, jfrost@usatpoc.gannett.com, dobbin@tma.com (John Dobbin), jleach@tax.com, fjbark@facstaff.wm.edu, kfridella@randomhouse.com (Kathleen M. Fridella), leigh@harpo.grdl.noaa.gov (Leigh Espy), lad@media.mit.edu, mgray@tax.com, psw@netcom.com (Phil Wherry), prbullen@toppsi.gn.apc.org, rharris@tax.com, rachel.jaffe@lw.com, ronald@his.com (Ronald DeVrou), scotts@his.com (Scott Seller), sstevens@netcom.com (Scott Stevens), sfofanoff@gonzaga.edu Subject: Why Capt. Janeway is the Best Star Trek Captain Cc: rdrucker@tax.org >From:Gerard Monsen > > Why Capt. Janeway is the Best Star Trek Captain > > 1. One word: hair, more hair than all previous Star Trek commanding > officers combined. > 2. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff. > 3. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should. > 4. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line. > 5. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet. > 6. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0 > 7. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to > admit they're lost and pull over for directions. > 8. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her > way through. > 9. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet. > 10. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud. > 11. Isn't French with an English accent. > 12. "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is > here,either,but I loved that line! > 13. Will give you two days off to ponder your life shattering > experience. > 14. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying > to convince them to behave better. > 15. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo. > 16. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way. > 17. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of > trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings. > 18. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship. > 19. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and > lungs.Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet > again take over the ship. > 20. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands. > 21. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a > shirt;Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network > television. > 22. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments. > 23. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day > come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the > deadliest of force". > 24. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off. > 25. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess > Leia. > 26. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, > Paris,are YOU ever stupid." > 27. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time. > 28. Has a more manly voice. > 29. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish! > 30. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time > she wants something to drink. > 31. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles. > 32. Her CONN officer can use contractions. > 33. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over > the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all > humankind. > 34. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her > spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.